Relationships and Dating
I talk to so many women who have been single for quite a while and would like to meet someone and maybe go on a date or two. When they ask me how I met a guy and I tell them that we met online, they nearly pass out! “Is it safe?” That is the next question 100% of the time. These are the same women who would buy a Louis Vuitton bag on eBay, the same women who will buy Cher tickets on StubHub, and they ask me if it is safe to meet someone online. Go figure. Do they think I invite a stranger to my door and greet him wearing plastic wrap? I do not. So, let me tell you how I do it and have met several very nice men, and met some big weiners, too! So online dating, what are you afraid of?
When I started looking at dating sites I was nervous. It made me feel exposed. Then I realized that I was only exposing what I chose to, and that doesn’t have to be much. I only post a few general photos and a few facts about myself and that’s it. More than that is not necessary. Do not, I repeat, do not post a photo of your cat. I know that sounds mean but I have heard that from more than a few men who are on the sites. So just be “professional” when you post your profile on any dating site. And, if you like to swing from the chandelier naked, good for you, but you might want to wait until you meet in person before you fly your freak flag!
I remember when I first had someone show some interest in me I was terrified. I hadn’t been asked on a date in about 35 years. I continued to message him back and forth for way too long then, at the end of the day, we weren’t a match and I felt like I had wasted a lot of time. If you are interested in someone and he is interested in you, a few messages back and forth ought to do it. You can plan to meet at a public place for a drink or coffee to see if this is worth pursuing for either of you. Don’t invite him back to your place. Don’t go to his place. Don’t even drive away until he is gone if you are feeling uncertain. Just use your common sense.
You need to put your big girl pants on because there is lots of rejection. Don’t get in a twist about it: that just means you are getting closer to Mr. Right. I know that’s not easy, and that it might be why you haven’t dipped your toe in the online dating pond, but if I can do it anyone can. I do not take rejection well, but I figure it’s his loss, right?
Men have told me two scenarios about meeting women online that seem universal and they don’t like it: one is that their date is interviewing for a husband and the other has to do with wanting to know about the man’s finances. They do not like this! I don’t think I would either. Before I had heard these categories I had already come up with my own answer to, “What are you looking for?” This is it: “I don’t know what I am looking for but what I can tell you is that I am not looking for a pen pal (I don’t want someone who is just into texting, and that is a thing for various reasons) and I am not looking for a husband. That seems to be succinct enough for them.
Now, after all those caveats, the best reason to begin online dating is that you just might meet someone with whom you have lots in common and have a great time together, whether or not it’s love. That’s worthwhile.
Read MoreKnow what triggers your loneliness and you can be pro-active in reducing it. That’s right, I am convinced that we can all take some action to mitigate our own loneliness, not make it go away, but lessen its power.
First, recognize the difference between being alone and being lonely. I love spending time alone. I love to read, watch television, knit: I love all those things and love having time to do them. But, do I want to be doing them on Christmas Eve? No. That’s where the difference lies. The loneliness comes when we would be doing something else in that time period. For example, back when my children were young, if you had told me that I would have the opportunity to spend July 4th alone next to a pool sipping a drink with an umbrella in it, I would have said, “Sign me up!” That holiday was one that seemed to last forever: hot, sticky weather, cookouts, fireworks: it was endless. Fast forward, and I have plenty of time on that day. No one needs me on the Fourth. I am not complaining, but I realize that loneliness strikes when I feel like I am missing out. I am most lonely when I know that there is lots of fun being had elsewhere but not with this girl. It took me a long time to figure that out (not the brightest bulb in the pack). I don’t care one bit about football, but I feel lonely if I am watching the Super Bowl alone: I create a scenario in my mind where everyone I know is living it up, laughing and high-fiving all around. I feel lonely on Valentine’s Day, the day that has been set aside to make many of us miserable. (For the record, it wasn’t my favorite when I was married either).
I am aware that as a single woman in my sixties I am not going to totally rid myself of loneliness. But, I can pay attention and lessen the pain of loneliness. Here are some ideas:
Plan Ahead
When I had first left my marriage, I had a big anniversary coming up. I was not excited about the upcoming anniversary and knew the day would be a killer. So, I made plans to travel and a friend joined me for a couple of those days. We had planned an adventure on the anniversary and it worked so well that I almost forgot about it. I had been saved the torture of sitting in my tiny apartment and feeling sorry for myself. I owe that friend a debt of gratitude.
When my first Christmas as a single woman was around the corner, I was full of dread. How was I going to get through it? But, I did some planning. Since there were no small children in our family at the time, I opted to spend Christmas afternoon and evening with my children at my place. I didn’t think I could stand to have them leave me midway through the day. Again, my bestie helped me by planning to go to a morning movie. It was great. It was quiet and we saw a movie that would be sold out later in the day. I came home and got things ready and barely noticed what I had dreaded for weeks.
Volunteer
I understand that we don’t all have someone to partner up with on tough days, but, you can always find something to do. If there is no one to help you get through those rough times, volunteer. Nothing makes you feel better about yourself than serving others. Period. It will make the time fly by and when you get home you can pat yourself on the back for helping others. Bravo!
No No No
Do not plan to go to a spa alone. You will just think of everyone else having a blast without you. Do not plan to stay home and clean out under your kitchen sink. Gross! Do not plan on seeing a romantic comedy. I don’t think that needs clarification. And, do not decide that you are going to read War and Peace on that day because you are not. Do not go on Facebook to see how much fun the rest of the world is having.
The Moral of This Story
The moral of this story: we all deal with loneliness. But, we can each improve our outlooks by putting coping mechanisms into place for when we are feeling low. I want to end with this: I would love it if you would forward this post to a friend who you think might benefit from reading it, and, I have never felt as lonely as a single woman as I did in my marriage. There is no comparison.
Read MoreWhat can you do when you are stuck? When I think of being stuck I think of mud, right? That works as a good visual when you are stuck in a situation, in a location or in a particular period of your life. You are stuck and need to come up with a solution.
I remember my therapist talking to me a lot about being stuck. I was stuck and she kept trying to help me get unstuck. The issue was that I had an unfaithful husband, and I was stuck because I don’t like philandering husbands, mine or anyone else’s, so clearly that was going to be a struggle because to stay married I had to get unstuck and be able to be in love with a philanderer. I could not. Fifteen years later I figured out how to get unstuck: it had to do with removing a ring from my third finger on my left hand. That’s how I got unstuck.
Connie, who read an article here a couple of weeks ago, commented about her life as a widow in a smaller town and I would call what she described as stuck. She feels stuck in a location. As I thought about what she described, it was just another form of feeling trapped. She doesn’t have a lot of options to remake her life as a single woman in her seventies. What can she do? I don’t have the answer, but I do have some thoughts.
Here is what I can tell you about being stuck: until you take action to change it you will always have those feelings. It will not go away. It will not disappear. It will not “absorb” into the life you want like body lotion.
The only hope of becoming unstuck is to figure out a way to change your mindset or “trick” your brain. It isn’t easy. For me, I was never able to change my mindset about my husband: what was I going to do, love philanderers? Tell my husband, “Good job,” when I found hotel charges on his credit card statements? Nope.
Connie, or anyone, however, can take some steps that might make her feel a little less glued to the floor.
Learn Something New
If you can’t learn something new at home, go online. You would be amazed at how good you feel when you take on a new project. It can look like anything: learn a new skill, find some new recipes for one and prepare them, study some new hairstyles that will give you a lift, learn how to repair that big scratch on your dining room table. Or study accounting if that turns you on. Just learn something new. Not only do you get the benefit of your finished project, but you will be able to use the information in the future. And, there is something about learning online that makes you feel like you are part of a community, even though it is a virtual one. Communication is taking place, and that’s a good thing as long as it isn’t the only communication that comes your way.
Talk to Someone
Talk with a friend or get professional help and work through it with them.
Live with It
If the situation is not going to change and you still want to remain in it, figure out a way to do that.
If I am being honest, I just recently realized that I was stuck in the mindset that being married is better than being single. Me, the one who writes about getting out there and making a great life for yourself, was stuck into thinking that marriage was the only way I would be happy. Guess what, that could not be further from the truth. It took an outside influence to “show” it to me and when I saw that I was stuck, I made a huge change to my mindset, or at least I got started. I am not all there yet but I will be, no question.
Let me say that changing your mindset is not easy. It takes work. It is not a natural process: we all want to stick with what we know until we find it to be uncomfortable. But when you can realize that you are frozen in place, you are on your way to creating a better life for your self.
Read MoreI have a friend, a male friend, who has said to me more than once, ” You are one of the women I would take into the trenches with me.” It is his way of saying when the going gets tough the tough get going. I am proud of that. I find it flattering. So, I thought to myself, “Who would you take to the trenches? And I have to tell you that I look around at the people in my inner circle and I have surrounded myself with people who I would take into the trenches if necessary.
Think about the men and women in your life, the folks in your inner circle: would you take most of them into the trenches with you? If the answer is yes, then you are a lucky girl. Good for you! But, if you are assessing your relationships and don’t feel like more than 50% of your go-tos would walk over coals for you, metaphorically speaking, then it is time to take a good, hard look at your relationships and re-evaluate them. Who stays and who goes?
That may sound a little cold, but hear me out. there have been times in my life when I decided that one friend or group of friends was not serving me well. I couldn’t lean back and feel certain that I wouldn’t hit the ground. When I have felt that way in my life, I have made a change. And, while that change has been difficult, it ultimately has been the right decision. I hate to say it, but it is true.
As single women over fifty, many of us have had significant heartbreaks, at least one, in our lives. Couple that with the fact that we do not have a partner with whom we can navigate the rocky roads of aging, and friendships carry extra importance. So, if any relationships are not supporting you in the way that you need for them to support you, then there is no shame in re-evaluating.
Fill your life with people who you would take to the trenches and you will feel more settled, more confident and more at ease in every phase of your life. I promise you that. You deserve people around you who will dive in with you and who will help you come out on the other side alive. When you have that kind of inner circle, it will free you up to be that same kind of friend to others. Try it.
Read MoreIt ‘s time for a new chapter at Starting Over at Sixty. Exactly three years ago I began living alone, having left my husband of more than 30 years. and while I know there are many of you who have been single a lot longer than three years, I can honestly say that I have felt a sense of urgency about starting my life over because I have much less time to do so than my counterparts who have been single for decades. I had to learn the ropes on the fly and get going to create the life I deserved to live all along. I moved into a one-room loft and started over. Fast forward three years and I moved to a much larger place. I can spread out a little and live in a little less cramped environment. I love it!
And on this three year anniversary of my life reboot, I have been thinking about how my life has changed and what I have learned through the experience and I could write a book, as I know you all could, and here are the cliff notes:
I Can Do Anything
When I became painfully aware that this marriage was finally over, I just kept saying to myself and my husband, “I can’t do it. I can’t do it.” I was thinking that I can’t do this to the kids, but I now know that I didn’t think I could actually do it myself: live as a single woman. I was a married mother of three and that was everything that I was. I was wrong: I am a woman who has three children and a really great life now. It took time. Lots of time. But I learned that the only person who was allowing that marriage to define me was me. No more.
I Can Be Anything
OK, I can’t be a supermodel, or a famous singer or an acrobat, but none of that is because my marriage failed. It is because those are not things I was ever going to be (I think singer still has a chance!). Honestly, I feel motivated, and strong, and smart, and courageous; more so than I ever did when I was married. Because my husband didn’t seem to value the things that I was good at doing, I stopped valuing those things, too. Now, I am back to living a life that is more in line with who I am. I don’t have to keep trying to be someone I am not.
I Am All Cried Out
I know that sounds ridiculous but it’s true, almost. When I moved into my little loft, I was beyond broken. My hair was falling out. I woke up shaking. And I cried. I cried and cried and cried and cried. So as I was walking out the door for the final time on moving day, I turned around and gave myself a minute to take it all in. I gave myself a few minutes to cry and guess what: I didn’t cry. I could look at that empty place and think, “I made it.” I was all cried out.
It is So Far From Over
My biggest lesson over the last three years is that my life is so far from over. Really, I have just begun to get my groove back. Let me say this: it sure isn’t all sunshine. And I can be walking down the street feeling like a million bucks and some ugliness comes my way and my brain goes to the darkness that I was living in for so long. Then I pull up my britches (as my friend Don likes to say) and get back to the business of Operation Be-the-Best-Paula-You-Can-Be! So, I hope you will notice more upbeat content here at Starting Over at Sixty and less “my life is over.” If you are feeling like your life is over, it is not and I know you will find comfort here.
A New Chapter at Starting Over at Sixty
Starting Over at Sixty Sisters is a free 8-week interactive course for single women 50 and over who want to continually improve their lives through community and guided “best practices.” I can’t wait to meet you there.
To join the group go to:
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1ZYEXS9ICDsu5KDOo9PzAuQ_97meeXmAL3Ntp88ttpmU/edit?usp=drive_open&ths=true
Read More
Search through my blog posts