Relationships and Dating
Are you choking right now? Laughing? Crying? Well, stop it because I am serious: I have never felt sexier. At 63 I might be in my prime, as sad as that might sound to some of you.
I can honestly say that I haven’t felt sexy for maybe thirty years. Let’s face it, when your marriage is bad the word sexy doesn’t even exist. Add to that the stream of women in my husband’s life during our marriage, ending with someone much younger than I am (and yes I am aware that younger isn’t always better) and you get the drift. It chipped away at me until there was nothing left.
Even after I became single, I now realize, I carried so much of that in my head with me, that feeling that I wasn’t young therefore I wasn’t desirable or sexy. Well guess what girls, none of that was true for me and it isn’t true for you. It’s hogwash!
I am 63 years old. The only thin thing on me is my hair, which is almost all white and I’m not just talking about my head! My feet, without sandblasting, look pre-historic. My breast “base” is closer to my waist than to my shoulders. I used to have really great legs and, well, those days are over.
So why is it that I think I am sexier now than I have ever been? One word: freedom.
This year was not an easy one for me. I foolishly thought that once I was divorced I would cruise through a new and exciting life. That was partially true, but this last year presented many challenges for me. By the end of July, I was a mess: sad, lonely, depressed, feeling hopeless. You name it, it wasn’t going well around me. Then one day I told myself that I had to turn things around or continue to go down an unhappy slippery slope. So I made a conscious effort to make changes, and that helped, but I still wasn’t there.
My Friend Confronted with the Truth, Now I’ve Never Felt Sexier
Then my friend Cy said something to me that changed everything. He said, “Just have fun. What are you waiting for?” His actual words were, “What are you saving it for?” And with that I was free. He was absolutely right. I had been the keeper of the flame for family and some close friends for so long that I was miserable. I was constantly trying to be a positive role model for my children. I wanted to always be there for a very ill friend. I wanted to date but couldn’t stand to hurt anyone’s feelings if I didn’t think we were a fit so it had become a burden. Crazy, right! I wasn’t enjoying anything and he was right, when was the fun going to start for me?
So here I am, the sexiest I have ever been and loving it. And, I may not even be sexy on the outside. Don’t care. I feel alive and desirable. I feel smart. I feel accomplished. I am more interesting now. I feel independent. I feel free, and I think my newfound freedom shows in my zest for life. To me, that’s sexy!
Let me tell you something, feeling sexy, having a joie de vivre, isn’t bad. I now have a spring in my step that I had lost and I am a new girl again. Thank you, Cy.
Read MoreThese are what I used to call “Glamour Don’ts.” They are photos that one would not want to represent them to the world. However, men use them all the time on dating sites and I just don’t get it. Is it that there are just so many women for each available man that they can throw anything they want up and get hundreds of right swipes?
I am not very familiar with online dating; haven’t done it much, but I have looked at the sites in order ease myself back into the game. First, the lack of men in my particular demo was apparent right away. Not a lot from which to select. If in his bio, a man writes that he is breathing on his own, he is one of the most popular men and is snatched up immediately. Regardless, men, if you are going to play the game, make it a game. Get good at it and use some photos that show you in a way that would make you proud. I’m here to help. Use this as a guide ladies and gentlemen. I would not be surprised to see this photo below in a man’s dating bio.
- Anything that is blurry. Why do men post out of focus photos? Can’t see? Just take another one. Unless you saving “film” or are trying to hide your identity because you are in the witness protection program, post a better photograph.
- The picture that you took of yourself in your bathroom. Standing in front of your bathroom mirror, taking a selfie never ends well. It just doesn’t. The focus is unclear, you are looking into the camera which is often down around the belt and the flash shows up in the photo. Men, you appear to be looking at your package. I have never seen one man smiling when he has posted a bathroom selfie. The men are working too hard to smile when they take the shot.
- I do not want to see a photo of your motorcycle. I know what a motorcycle looks like.
- I do not want to see a photo of you in the seventies. It makes it clear that you peaked early.
- If you are taking a selfie, reclining in your Barco-lounger tells me that most of your time is spent in that position in front of the TV. It may be true, but don’t show all of your cards before the game even starts.
- And please, please, please do not post a photo of your abs. I love abs as much as the next girl, but when I see that photo I think, “well, my tummy doesn’t look like that so I am not going near that guy.” You price yourself out of the market, so to speak.
Guys, all we want to see is a nice man who is taking the time to show himself in a positive light to meet a nice woman. Put in a little effort. Show us your best side. Honestly, we will do the rest for you if you just show that you care about the process.
Read MoreI was out with some single friends last week and we started talking about online dating. As soon as the words came into the air each woman just kind of sank in her chair, like a deflated balloon. I feel the same way, don’t get me wrong, and I am wondering if that attitude somehow leaks through my pores and is evident to my dates? You think? Like I’m a skunk and feel danger!
So, I’ve decided to make a shift in my way of thinking and I will get back to that in a minute. First I want to tell you about a sales training I once attended back in my first life: I sold media for a number of years. The trainer said to us that we should not hold disdain for our clients. He said that while we may not be crazy about some them, they are the people who put bread on our tables and that we should think of them as such. That really hit home for me. I thought about the times when I would whine to myself because I had to call on client A or client B and wasn’t looking forward to it. After he said that I felt like maybe that came through in my body language and vocal tone.
I remember that little nugget often, especially when I’m meeting with someone for any reason and I am not super excited to see them. I try to think about what I want the outcome to be and set my mind and demeanor accordingly.
The same holds true for online dating: how can I expect to meet someone great online when my attitude about the whole thing is negative? It’s just not logical, is it? And, really, what would it be like if there was no online dating? I have met some very nice men, maybe not the right fit but some nice men, through online dating. Honestly, every single man I have met since I have been on my own has been online in some fashion, whether it has been a dating site or another social website.
Here’s the change I am going to make and I want you to think about making the change as well: I am going to face online dating with a new, positive attitude. I will have a smile on my face when I look at dating profiles, even though no one can see me.
Now let me say this, if you are not interested in dating, great. But, if it’s fear or frustration with dating sites, then give it another try. The odds of meeting someone without a dating site are about the same as winning the lottery (although show me the money any day over a date!).
Next week I will tell you about a “best practices” way of going on a first date that has worked well for me over the last couple of years.
Read MoreGoodbye Marriage, Hello New Adventure
Original Post: November 2015
After thirty years of marriage, I find myself coming to the end of holy matrimony. I have to say, on one hand, I would have never thought this could happen to me in a million years and on the other hand… I knew at the wedding that something was off. Now it is goodbye marriage, hello new adventure.
My soon to be former husband (SBFH) wanted the house. After all, it sits on his prized golf course like a great big penis: as long as he has that house he is the man. So, I found an apartment, moved out one weekday and here I am in a one-room loft with my dog. I have been here for three months and I love it. I feel content and safe and at ease, without the stomach ache I had every day for the last, oh I don’t know, 15 years. I feel good in my own skin. And the longer I am in my new life, the more excited I get about my future.
I would love it if you would stick with me in this chapter of my life: it is going to be a blast!
Paula
Read MoreA very close friend of mine became ill a few months ago. While he will survive the illness, his recovery is slow and I miss my great friend so much. His illness brought to my attention the fact that this man has been my rock for a couple of years. That rock is missing from my life right now and I am heartbroken about it.
As I was thinking about the effect that Don has had on my life, I came to the realization that no man has ever been my rock. I know that sounds ridiculous but it’s true: not my husband or my father or any other man in my life. I have had no male significant others for support.
As a matter of fact, if I am using the word rock to describe my friend Don and our friendship, I can use the word quicksand to describe pretty much all of my male role models. With the exception of a few, I have spent my life with quicksand.
I love love loved my father, but he faced his own demons and wasn’t a pillar of strength for me. Sadly, I would guess that my daughter might feel the same way about her father, however, I don’t want to put words into her mouth. I can only project my own feelings there. I had no siblings, so no brothers to look up to.
And, now that I have had a rock in my life, I don’t think I can ever go back to the quicksand that I settled for in earlier years. I need that strength around me. I need that settled feeling around me, that comfortable, soft-place-to-land feeling that comes with a man or woman who is a rock.
If I try hard enough I can actually envision sitting on a rock, resting, regrouping. And, quicksand? I am just dancing. Always dancing trying to stay just above the surface, and constantly floundering.
If you can picture yourself in each of these situations, you know what I’m talking about. And you can feel what I am feeling. Never, ever, ever allow yourself to be sucked in by that quicksand. Go with a rock every time.
Do you have a quicksand story? Or a rock story? I would love to hear from you.
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