Know what triggers your loneliness and you can be pro-active in reducing it.  That’s right, I am convinced that we can all take some action to mitigate our own loneliness, not make it go away, but lessen its power.

First, recognize the difference between being alone and being lonely.  I love spending time alone.  I love to read, watch television, knit: I love all those things and love having time to do them.  But, do I want to be doing them on Christmas Eve?  No.  That’s where the difference lies.  The loneliness comes when we would be doing something else in that time period.  For example, back when my children were young, if you had told me that I would have the opportunity to spend July 4th alone next to a pool sipping a drink with an umbrella in it, I would have said, “Sign me up!”  That holiday was one that seemed to last forever:  hot, sticky weather, cookouts, fireworks: it was endless.  Fast forward, and I have plenty of time on that day.  No one needs me on the Fourth.  I am not complaining, but I realize that loneliness strikes when I feel like I am missing out.  I am most lonely when I know that there is lots of fun being had elsewhere but not with this girl.  It took me a long time to figure that out (not the brightest bulb in the pack).  I don’t care one bit about football, but I feel lonely if I am watching the Super Bowl alone: I create a scenario in my mind where everyone I know is living it up, laughing and high-fiving all around.   I feel lonely on Valentine’s Day, the day that has been set aside to make many of us miserable.  (For the record, it wasn’t my favorite when I was married either).

I am aware that as a single woman in my sixties I am not going to totally rid myself of loneliness.  But, I can pay attention and lessen the pain of loneliness.  Here are some ideas:

Plan Ahead

When I had first left my marriage, I had a big anniversary coming up.  I was not excited about the upcoming anniversary and knew the day would be a killer.  So, I made plans to travel and a friend joined me for a couple of those days.  We had planned an adventure on the anniversary and it worked so well that I almost forgot about it.  I had been saved the torture of sitting in my tiny apartment and feeling sorry for myself.  I owe that friend a debt of gratitude.

When my first Christmas as a single woman was around the corner, I was full of dread.  How was I going to get through it?  But, I did some planning.  Since there were no small children in our family at the time, I opted to spend Christmas afternoon and evening with my children at my place.  I didn’t think I could stand to have them leave me midway through the day.  Again, my bestie helped me by planning to go to a morning movie.  It was great.  It was quiet and we saw a movie that would be sold out later in the day.  I came home and got things ready and barely noticed what I had dreaded for weeks.

Volunteer

I understand that we don’t all have someone to partner up with on tough days, but, you can always find something to do.  If there is no one to help you get through those rough times, volunteer.  Nothing makes you feel better about yourself than serving others.  Period.  It will make the time fly by and when you get home you can pat yourself on the back for helping others.  Bravo!

No No No

Do not plan to go to a spa alone.  You will just think of everyone else having a blast without you.  Do not plan to stay home and clean out under your kitchen sink.  Gross!  Do not plan on seeing a romantic comedy.  I don’t think that needs clarification.  And, do not decide that you are going to read War and Peace on that day because you are not.  Do not go on Facebook to see how much fun the rest of the world is having.

The Moral of This Story

The moral of this story: we all deal with loneliness.  But, we can each improve our outlooks by putting coping mechanisms into place for when we are feeling low.  I want to end with this:  I would love it if you would forward this post to a friend who you think might benefit from reading it, and,  I have never felt as lonely as a single woman as I did in my marriage.  There is no comparison.