Embracing Change
I am not very political. I try to be informed, but I can’t say I’m even that all the time. I have strong opinions about many subjects, but until a couple of years ago, I vacillated on many issues that face our world. I am no longer that woman. You may have similar feelings. But I do know this for sure: unless we women tell our stories to those young women around us, we will have missed an opportunity. We can only help to make the world a better place for our daughters and grand-daughters if we let them know what it was like to be a woman in the 50s, 60s, 70s, and beyond. And, the only way to do that is to talk, to tell them about our lives. You must pass down your wisdom to the women around you.
We have all had them: we all have had experiences in which we were treated unfairly. We all have had experiences in which we were not paid as much as the men we were working with side by side. Many of us know how it feels to have a man make an unwanted advance toward us and not have anyone to report it to. Sadly, these are universal experiences for many of us women and if we keep all of that to ourselves when we leave this world, then shame on us. Shame on us for not letting young women know what it was like then so they can change it now. Shame on us for not telling our stories so other women can find the passion to right those wrongs. Shame on us for keeping them in the dark and not allowing our stories to help effect change.
The young women in your life undoubtedly love and respect you. So why would you not let them into your life as a young woman many years ago and let them know that it was not always that great and not that fair and that you are maybe seeing some of the same monsters rearing their ugly heads today?
OK, that’s all of my “I Am Woman Hear Me Roar” rant. Pass down your stories!
How would you like to see things change for the women in your lives? Do you think that can happen?
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I talk to so many women who have been single for quite a while and would like to meet someone and maybe go on a date or two. When they ask me how I met a guy and I tell them that we met online, they nearly pass out! “Is it safe?” That is the next question 100% of the time. These are the same women who would buy a Louis Vuitton bag on eBay, the same women who will buy Cher tickets on StubHub, and they ask me if it is safe to meet someone online. Go figure. Do they think I invite a stranger to my door and greet him wearing plastic wrap? I do not. So, let me tell you how I do it and have met several very nice men, and met some big weiners, too! So online dating, what are you afraid of?
When I started looking at dating sites I was nervous. It made me feel exposed. Then I realized that I was only exposing what I chose to, and that doesn’t have to be much. I only post a few general photos and a few facts about myself and that’s it. More than that is not necessary. Do not, I repeat, do not post a photo of your cat. I know that sounds mean but I have heard that from more than a few men who are on the sites. So just be “professional” when you post your profile on any dating site. And, if you like to swing from the chandelier naked, good for you, but you might want to wait until you meet in person before you fly your freak flag!
I remember when I first had someone show some interest in me I was terrified. I hadn’t been asked on a date in about 35 years. I continued to message him back and forth for way too long then, at the end of the day, we weren’t a match and I felt like I had wasted a lot of time. If you are interested in someone and he is interested in you, a few messages back and forth ought to do it. You can plan to meet at a public place for a drink or coffee to see if this is worth pursuing for either of you. Don’t invite him back to your place. Don’t go to his place. Don’t even drive away until he is gone if you are feeling uncertain. Just use your common sense.
You need to put your big girl pants on because there is lots of rejection. Don’t get in a twist about it: that just means you are getting closer to Mr. Right. I know that’s not easy, and that it might be why you haven’t dipped your toe in the online dating pond, but if I can do it anyone can. I do not take rejection well, but I figure it’s his loss, right?
Men have told me two scenarios about meeting women online that seem universal and they don’t like it: one is that their date is interviewing for a husband and the other has to do with wanting to know about the man’s finances. They do not like this! I don’t think I would either. Before I had heard these categories I had already come up with my own answer to, “What are you looking for?” This is it: “I don’t know what I am looking for but what I can tell you is that I am not looking for a pen pal (I don’t want someone who is just into texting, and that is a thing for various reasons) and I am not looking for a husband. That seems to be succinct enough for them.
Now, after all those caveats, the best reason to begin online dating is that you just might meet someone with whom you have lots in common and have a great time together, whether or not it’s love. That’s worthwhile.
Read MoreKnow what triggers your loneliness and you can be pro-active in reducing it. That’s right, I am convinced that we can all take some action to mitigate our own loneliness, not make it go away, but lessen its power.
First, recognize the difference between being alone and being lonely. I love spending time alone. I love to read, watch television, knit: I love all those things and love having time to do them. But, do I want to be doing them on Christmas Eve? No. That’s where the difference lies. The loneliness comes when we would be doing something else in that time period. For example, back when my children were young, if you had told me that I would have the opportunity to spend July 4th alone next to a pool sipping a drink with an umbrella in it, I would have said, “Sign me up!” That holiday was one that seemed to last forever: hot, sticky weather, cookouts, fireworks: it was endless. Fast forward, and I have plenty of time on that day. No one needs me on the Fourth. I am not complaining, but I realize that loneliness strikes when I feel like I am missing out. I am most lonely when I know that there is lots of fun being had elsewhere but not with this girl. It took me a long time to figure that out (not the brightest bulb in the pack). I don’t care one bit about football, but I feel lonely if I am watching the Super Bowl alone: I create a scenario in my mind where everyone I know is living it up, laughing and high-fiving all around. I feel lonely on Valentine’s Day, the day that has been set aside to make many of us miserable. (For the record, it wasn’t my favorite when I was married either).
I am aware that as a single woman in my sixties I am not going to totally rid myself of loneliness. But, I can pay attention and lessen the pain of loneliness. Here are some ideas:
Plan Ahead
When I had first left my marriage, I had a big anniversary coming up. I was not excited about the upcoming anniversary and knew the day would be a killer. So, I made plans to travel and a friend joined me for a couple of those days. We had planned an adventure on the anniversary and it worked so well that I almost forgot about it. I had been saved the torture of sitting in my tiny apartment and feeling sorry for myself. I owe that friend a debt of gratitude.
When my first Christmas as a single woman was around the corner, I was full of dread. How was I going to get through it? But, I did some planning. Since there were no small children in our family at the time, I opted to spend Christmas afternoon and evening with my children at my place. I didn’t think I could stand to have them leave me midway through the day. Again, my bestie helped me by planning to go to a morning movie. It was great. It was quiet and we saw a movie that would be sold out later in the day. I came home and got things ready and barely noticed what I had dreaded for weeks.
Volunteer
I understand that we don’t all have someone to partner up with on tough days, but, you can always find something to do. If there is no one to help you get through those rough times, volunteer. Nothing makes you feel better about yourself than serving others. Period. It will make the time fly by and when you get home you can pat yourself on the back for helping others. Bravo!
No No No
Do not plan to go to a spa alone. You will just think of everyone else having a blast without you. Do not plan to stay home and clean out under your kitchen sink. Gross! Do not plan on seeing a romantic comedy. I don’t think that needs clarification. And, do not decide that you are going to read War and Peace on that day because you are not. Do not go on Facebook to see how much fun the rest of the world is having.
The Moral of This Story
The moral of this story: we all deal with loneliness. But, we can each improve our outlooks by putting coping mechanisms into place for when we are feeling low. I want to end with this: I would love it if you would forward this post to a friend who you think might benefit from reading it, and, I have never felt as lonely as a single woman as I did in my marriage. There is no comparison.
Read MoreI have a question for you: do you take every opportunity that comes your way? I had the honor of having an in-depth conversation with a group of women who are incarcerated. The topic was freedom and I was floored when they unanimously told me that they attained true freedom when they came to prison: they were freed from the demons that had haunted them on the outside. They also let me know that there is no lack of opportunity within those walls: that there is no excuse not to grow personally inside the prison.
Those words have been rolling around in my head for several days: no lack of opportunity. Well, if there is no lack of opportunity inside prison walls, then there is certainly no lack of opportunity on the outside. Am I recognizing opportunity when it shows up and am I taking every opportunity that comes my way? Ask yourself the same question: are you taking every opportunity that comes your way at 50, 60 and beyond? I hope the answer is yes, but if it’s not, it’s time to make a change.
Lack of Growth is Aging
To me, one of the fastest ways to age prematurely is to stop learning, to stop expanding your knowledge and to stop being curious. When you have one-third of your life left to live why would you stop in your tracks? You most likely have more free time now than at any other time in your life, so do you really want to waste it? Whether you are furthering your education or learning how to knit, you are expanding that limitless brain, and that keeps you young, I am convinced.
Remember the women in the prison, who say they have no excuse not to grow within those walls. Do you really have any excuse not to grow on the outside? Are you closing yourself off from opportunity? This is a good time to self-assess and if the answer is yes, it’s time to make a change. As the women told me, there is no excuse for not growing and improving yourself, whether behind prison walls or not.
Read MoreWhat can you do when you are stuck? When I think of being stuck I think of mud, right? That works as a good visual when you are stuck in a situation, in a location or in a particular period of your life. You are stuck and need to come up with a solution.
I remember my therapist talking to me a lot about being stuck. I was stuck and she kept trying to help me get unstuck. The issue was that I had an unfaithful husband, and I was stuck because I don’t like philandering husbands, mine or anyone else’s, so clearly that was going to be a struggle because to stay married I had to get unstuck and be able to be in love with a philanderer. I could not. Fifteen years later I figured out how to get unstuck: it had to do with removing a ring from my third finger on my left hand. That’s how I got unstuck.
Connie, who read an article here a couple of weeks ago, commented about her life as a widow in a smaller town and I would call what she described as stuck. She feels stuck in a location. As I thought about what she described, it was just another form of feeling trapped. She doesn’t have a lot of options to remake her life as a single woman in her seventies. What can she do? I don’t have the answer, but I do have some thoughts.
Here is what I can tell you about being stuck: until you take action to change it you will always have those feelings. It will not go away. It will not disappear. It will not “absorb” into the life you want like body lotion.
The only hope of becoming unstuck is to figure out a way to change your mindset or “trick” your brain. It isn’t easy. For me, I was never able to change my mindset about my husband: what was I going to do, love philanderers? Tell my husband, “Good job,” when I found hotel charges on his credit card statements? Nope.
Connie, or anyone, however, can take some steps that might make her feel a little less glued to the floor.
Learn Something New
If you can’t learn something new at home, go online. You would be amazed at how good you feel when you take on a new project. It can look like anything: learn a new skill, find some new recipes for one and prepare them, study some new hairstyles that will give you a lift, learn how to repair that big scratch on your dining room table. Or study accounting if that turns you on. Just learn something new. Not only do you get the benefit of your finished project, but you will be able to use the information in the future. And, there is something about learning online that makes you feel like you are part of a community, even though it is a virtual one. Communication is taking place, and that’s a good thing as long as it isn’t the only communication that comes your way.
Talk to Someone
Talk with a friend or get professional help and work through it with them.
Live with It
If the situation is not going to change and you still want to remain in it, figure out a way to do that.
If I am being honest, I just recently realized that I was stuck in the mindset that being married is better than being single. Me, the one who writes about getting out there and making a great life for yourself, was stuck into thinking that marriage was the only way I would be happy. Guess what, that could not be further from the truth. It took an outside influence to “show” it to me and when I saw that I was stuck, I made a huge change to my mindset, or at least I got started. I am not all there yet but I will be, no question.
Let me say that changing your mindset is not easy. It takes work. It is not a natural process: we all want to stick with what we know until we find it to be uncomfortable. But when you can realize that you are frozen in place, you are on your way to creating a better life for your self.
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