single

On the outside, I think I sometimes look like I have it all, like I have conquered getting divorced at 62 and being forced to change my life and lifestyle. “Mrs. Harer, you seem like you’re killing it,” as one of my daughter’s friends said to me. It felt great when I heard it and for a New York minute, I believed it. But as we all know, looks can be deceiving. I am excellent at putting on a happy face and hiding behind that mask, but underneath I am no different from many of you: I have mountains of self-doubt and plain old fear, anxiety and worry.

Most mornings I wake up in a cold sweat, with my brain screaming at me, “Here I am, alone, for possibly the rest of my life, which I hope lasts for at least 30 more years. What should I do about A, B or C? Do I have enough money for D? What is going to happen if I get sick? What am I going to have for dinner? If a tree (me) falls in the woods (down the stairs in my condo) and no one is there to hear it does it make a sound (will anyone notice that I have been missing in action)? How will I manage E? Is startingoveratsixty.com going to make it? Is it a good idea? Can I afford to take the kids on a family vacation to F? Will I ever fall in love again? Did I remember to feed Red last night? Will I be single forever or will my life be different in 5, 10, 15 years? Is this my final chapter?” And, that’s just in the first two minutes that my eyes are open! Sound familiar?

Certainly, when I was married I had tons of things to worry about, but, though I was in an unhappy marriage, I had an underlying expectation about how things were going to go: whatever was going to happen, it would happen two-by-two. My family structure would be the same. Now, I feel a little bit like I am floating through life: there are no real touchpoints, outside of my children and grandson, where I feel grounded. I’m a floater.

What is it that makes me so fearful underneath my skin? What is it that prevents me from feeling like I’m OK, like I am going to make it just fine, because the reality is that I will most likely be just fine. Is it a good thing to have a certain level of fear? I think the answer is yes, we should all have a little bit of fear that helps us continue to move forward in our lives. It’s like the chain on a rollercoaster as we make the ascent up the first hill: it holds us in line and pushes us at the same time. That constant fear “tension” is what gets me up in the morning and keeps pushing me all day, week and year.

What I know about myself is that I have too much of that stomach-churning fear-tension, and I am trying to spank my own hand when it’s clearly over the top. You know yourself well enough to know whether or not you are rational with your concerns about the future. If you aren’t sure whether your fears are rational or not, break them down. Often, I find that I am worried about something that wasn’t even an issue, like worrying if the snow will prevent you from driving without looking out the window: it’s not based on reality until you know the snow is actually there.

Let’s take a look:

1. If you are worried about money, figure out if you need to be. I often start worrying about money in the middle of the night then get up, look at my bank account and find out that I had nothing to worry about, that I just let my mind wander for no good reason. If you are worried about retirement and money, talk with a financial planner who can tell you exactly what you have and what you need.

2. Worried about your health? Make an appointment with your physician. None of us has a guarantee about our future health, but we can each do our part to improve our chances for continued good health. If you do have health issues, of course, you are worried. You should be and I am sorry that it’s happening to you. The best thing you can do is follow doctor’s orders and be as proactive as possible. I am a big believer that the more you know about your health the more you will feel like a part of your body’s board of directors.

3. The love thing is tricky, I’ll be the first to admit it. That is the great unknown, for sure. I can only give you my take on it. If you are looking for romance, watching romantic comedies on TV isn’t how to do it! I hear from so many people who say to me, “I hate online dating.” Well, guess what, no one likes it. I have never heard anyone, man or woman, say they love online dating sites. But, it is the way of the world. If you have been able to meet a man without a dating site, you are a rockstar! If you do want to add some romance into your life, you need to change your tune about online dating. I do not enjoy it one bit, but I can honestly say that I have met a few very nice men that way, even if we weren’t a fit. I’m not even sure I could fall in love again, but I hope I can someday. Yes, yes, yes I have met a lot of frogs as well. But I try to be open-minded about it. If you say no to online dating, you need to get several cats and focus on them! Ha!

4. Finally, the one topic that I always worry over is my past mistakes. I absolutely hate to tell you that, but it is true. I ruminate over how I got here, and how I got there, and why did I make such poor decisions in my past. This is the most maddening worry because it’s something that I have no control over, yet it uses up lots of my worry time! I hate, hate, hate it! So, when I’m in bed and focusing on the past, I try to switch up my thinking. That’s right, I force myself to change my thought. Like I start to think about ice cream! It doesn’t work every time, but it works once in a while (however, I am eating way too much ice cream).

That’s it. Those are most of the things that I fear and worry about ad nauseam in bed. I try to resolve them by taking action on the topics sometime during the day, so they don’t visit me again the next night. I just hate to spend any of my time fretting over the same worries over and over, and I hate for you to do the same.

Let me know what fears you face when you hit-the-hay and again when you wake up. Can you make some changes to alleviate some of those worries? Do y ou feel like an Imposter?

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