self improvement
Know what triggers your loneliness and you can be pro-active in reducing it. That’s right, I am convinced that we can all take some action to mitigate our own loneliness, not make it go away, but lessen its power.
First, recognize the difference between being alone and being lonely. I love spending time alone. I love to read, watch television, knit: I love all those things and love having time to do them. But, do I want to be doing them on Christmas Eve? No. That’s where the difference lies. The loneliness comes when we would be doing something else in that time period. For example, back when my children were young, if you had told me that I would have the opportunity to spend July 4th alone next to a pool sipping a drink with an umbrella in it, I would have said, “Sign me up!” That holiday was one that seemed to last forever: hot, sticky weather, cookouts, fireworks: it was endless. Fast forward, and I have plenty of time on that day. No one needs me on the Fourth. I am not complaining, but I realize that loneliness strikes when I feel like I am missing out. I am most lonely when I know that there is lots of fun being had elsewhere but not with this girl. It took me a long time to figure that out (not the brightest bulb in the pack). I don’t care one bit about football, but I feel lonely if I am watching the Super Bowl alone: I create a scenario in my mind where everyone I know is living it up, laughing and high-fiving all around. I feel lonely on Valentine’s Day, the day that has been set aside to make many of us miserable. (For the record, it wasn’t my favorite when I was married either).
I am aware that as a single woman in my sixties I am not going to totally rid myself of loneliness. But, I can pay attention and lessen the pain of loneliness. Here are some ideas:
Plan Ahead
When I had first left my marriage, I had a big anniversary coming up. I was not excited about the upcoming anniversary and knew the day would be a killer. So, I made plans to travel and a friend joined me for a couple of those days. We had planned an adventure on the anniversary and it worked so well that I almost forgot about it. I had been saved the torture of sitting in my tiny apartment and feeling sorry for myself. I owe that friend a debt of gratitude.
When my first Christmas as a single woman was around the corner, I was full of dread. How was I going to get through it? But, I did some planning. Since there were no small children in our family at the time, I opted to spend Christmas afternoon and evening with my children at my place. I didn’t think I could stand to have them leave me midway through the day. Again, my bestie helped me by planning to go to a morning movie. It was great. It was quiet and we saw a movie that would be sold out later in the day. I came home and got things ready and barely noticed what I had dreaded for weeks.
Volunteer
I understand that we don’t all have someone to partner up with on tough days, but, you can always find something to do. If there is no one to help you get through those rough times, volunteer. Nothing makes you feel better about yourself than serving others. Period. It will make the time fly by and when you get home you can pat yourself on the back for helping others. Bravo!
No No No
Do not plan to go to a spa alone. You will just think of everyone else having a blast without you. Do not plan to stay home and clean out under your kitchen sink. Gross! Do not plan on seeing a romantic comedy. I don’t think that needs clarification. And, do not decide that you are going to read War and Peace on that day because you are not. Do not go on Facebook to see how much fun the rest of the world is having.
The Moral of This Story
The moral of this story: we all deal with loneliness. But, we can each improve our outlooks by putting coping mechanisms into place for when we are feeling low. I want to end with this: I would love it if you would forward this post to a friend who you think might benefit from reading it, and, I have never felt as lonely as a single woman as I did in my marriage. There is no comparison.
Read MoreI have a question for you: do you take every opportunity that comes your way? I had the honor of having an in-depth conversation with a group of women who are incarcerated. The topic was freedom and I was floored when they unanimously told me that they attained true freedom when they came to prison: they were freed from the demons that had haunted them on the outside. They also let me know that there is no lack of opportunity within those walls: that there is no excuse not to grow personally inside the prison.
Those words have been rolling around in my head for several days: no lack of opportunity. Well, if there is no lack of opportunity inside prison walls, then there is certainly no lack of opportunity on the outside. Am I recognizing opportunity when it shows up and am I taking every opportunity that comes my way? Ask yourself the same question: are you taking every opportunity that comes your way at 50, 60 and beyond? I hope the answer is yes, but if it’s not, it’s time to make a change.
Lack of Growth is Aging
To me, one of the fastest ways to age prematurely is to stop learning, to stop expanding your knowledge and to stop being curious. When you have one-third of your life left to live why would you stop in your tracks? You most likely have more free time now than at any other time in your life, so do you really want to waste it? Whether you are furthering your education or learning how to knit, you are expanding that limitless brain, and that keeps you young, I am convinced.
Remember the women in the prison, who say they have no excuse not to grow within those walls. Do you really have any excuse not to grow on the outside? Are you closing yourself off from opportunity? This is a good time to self-assess and if the answer is yes, it’s time to make a change. As the women told me, there is no excuse for not growing and improving yourself, whether behind prison walls or not.
Read MoreWhat can you do when you are stuck? When I think of being stuck I think of mud, right? That works as a good visual when you are stuck in a situation, in a location or in a particular period of your life. You are stuck and need to come up with a solution.
I remember my therapist talking to me a lot about being stuck. I was stuck and she kept trying to help me get unstuck. The issue was that I had an unfaithful husband, and I was stuck because I don’t like philandering husbands, mine or anyone else’s, so clearly that was going to be a struggle because to stay married I had to get unstuck and be able to be in love with a philanderer. I could not. Fifteen years later I figured out how to get unstuck: it had to do with removing a ring from my third finger on my left hand. That’s how I got unstuck.
Connie, who read an article here a couple of weeks ago, commented about her life as a widow in a smaller town and I would call what she described as stuck. She feels stuck in a location. As I thought about what she described, it was just another form of feeling trapped. She doesn’t have a lot of options to remake her life as a single woman in her seventies. What can she do? I don’t have the answer, but I do have some thoughts.
Here is what I can tell you about being stuck: until you take action to change it you will always have those feelings. It will not go away. It will not disappear. It will not “absorb” into the life you want like body lotion.
The only hope of becoming unstuck is to figure out a way to change your mindset or “trick” your brain. It isn’t easy. For me, I was never able to change my mindset about my husband: what was I going to do, love philanderers? Tell my husband, “Good job,” when I found hotel charges on his credit card statements? Nope.
Connie, or anyone, however, can take some steps that might make her feel a little less glued to the floor.
Learn Something New
If you can’t learn something new at home, go online. You would be amazed at how good you feel when you take on a new project. It can look like anything: learn a new skill, find some new recipes for one and prepare them, study some new hairstyles that will give you a lift, learn how to repair that big scratch on your dining room table. Or study accounting if that turns you on. Just learn something new. Not only do you get the benefit of your finished project, but you will be able to use the information in the future. And, there is something about learning online that makes you feel like you are part of a community, even though it is a virtual one. Communication is taking place, and that’s a good thing as long as it isn’t the only communication that comes your way.
Talk to Someone
Talk with a friend or get professional help and work through it with them.
Live with It
If the situation is not going to change and you still want to remain in it, figure out a way to do that.
If I am being honest, I just recently realized that I was stuck in the mindset that being married is better than being single. Me, the one who writes about getting out there and making a great life for yourself, was stuck into thinking that marriage was the only way I would be happy. Guess what, that could not be further from the truth. It took an outside influence to “show” it to me and when I saw that I was stuck, I made a huge change to my mindset, or at least I got started. I am not all there yet but I will be, no question.
Let me say that changing your mindset is not easy. It takes work. It is not a natural process: we all want to stick with what we know until we find it to be uncomfortable. But when you can realize that you are frozen in place, you are on your way to creating a better life for your self.
Read MoreIt ‘s time for a new chapter at Starting Over at Sixty. Exactly three years ago I began living alone, having left my husband of more than 30 years. and while I know there are many of you who have been single a lot longer than three years, I can honestly say that I have felt a sense of urgency about starting my life over because I have much less time to do so than my counterparts who have been single for decades. I had to learn the ropes on the fly and get going to create the life I deserved to live all along. I moved into a one-room loft and started over. Fast forward three years and I moved to a much larger place. I can spread out a little and live in a little less cramped environment. I love it!
And on this three year anniversary of my life reboot, I have been thinking about how my life has changed and what I have learned through the experience and I could write a book, as I know you all could, and here are the cliff notes:
I Can Do Anything
When I became painfully aware that this marriage was finally over, I just kept saying to myself and my husband, “I can’t do it. I can’t do it.” I was thinking that I can’t do this to the kids, but I now know that I didn’t think I could actually do it myself: live as a single woman. I was a married mother of three and that was everything that I was. I was wrong: I am a woman who has three children and a really great life now. It took time. Lots of time. But I learned that the only person who was allowing that marriage to define me was me. No more.
I Can Be Anything
OK, I can’t be a supermodel, or a famous singer or an acrobat, but none of that is because my marriage failed. It is because those are not things I was ever going to be (I think singer still has a chance!). Honestly, I feel motivated, and strong, and smart, and courageous; more so than I ever did when I was married. Because my husband didn’t seem to value the things that I was good at doing, I stopped valuing those things, too. Now, I am back to living a life that is more in line with who I am. I don’t have to keep trying to be someone I am not.
I Am All Cried Out
I know that sounds ridiculous but it’s true, almost. When I moved into my little loft, I was beyond broken. My hair was falling out. I woke up shaking. And I cried. I cried and cried and cried and cried. So as I was walking out the door for the final time on moving day, I turned around and gave myself a minute to take it all in. I gave myself a few minutes to cry and guess what: I didn’t cry. I could look at that empty place and think, “I made it.” I was all cried out.
It is So Far From Over
My biggest lesson over the last three years is that my life is so far from over. Really, I have just begun to get my groove back. Let me say this: it sure isn’t all sunshine. And I can be walking down the street feeling like a million bucks and some ugliness comes my way and my brain goes to the darkness that I was living in for so long. Then I pull up my britches (as my friend Don likes to say) and get back to the business of Operation Be-the-Best-Paula-You-Can-Be! So, I hope you will notice more upbeat content here at Starting Over at Sixty and less “my life is over.” If you are feeling like your life is over, it is not and I know you will find comfort here.
A New Chapter at Starting Over at Sixty
Starting Over at Sixty Sisters is a free 8-week interactive course for single women 50 and over who want to continually improve their lives through community and guided “best practices.” I can’t wait to meet you there.
To join the group go to:
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1ZYEXS9ICDsu5KDOo9PzAuQ_97meeXmAL3Ntp88ttpmU/edit?usp=drive_open&ths=true
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I was in my doctor’s office waiting room last week and picked up O Magazine to flip through. The issue was all about happiness and Oprah talked about the places where she feels happy: in the yard playing with her dogs, with the girls from her school, traveling with best friends. I started thinking about what pictures in my mind make me feel happy. I surprised myself when the first thing that came to mind was an old memory: I thought of my marital home, in the summer, on a Friday morning. I could hear the sprinklers on the golf course behind us and I could see that the green grass that rolls on forever on the course. The pool in the backyard was shiny in the sun and I had beautiful planters around the pool with lots of purple flowers and greenery. I always liked Friday morning because I was looking forward to the weekend. Maybe the kids were coming home, maybe not. Most likely my husband would be playing golf on Friday afternoon and we would have plans to meet up afterward. That was my happy place, full of anticipation for the weekend and hanging out at the pool with family and friends. That was everything to me.
Oh no! The first thing that came to mind was a picture of a family that no longer exists? A picture of a family that never was? That is not allowed! So I set my mind to thinking about where and what makes me happiest where I am now and guess what, my happiness is still focused on my family. What is surprising to me, however, is that I have not replaced the old mental picture with a new one. All my happy places in my brain are still stuck in a life that I no longer live and honestly, that never was, and that just makes me mad at myself! I thought I was killing this single thing and to think that the only memories that come to mind when I want to think of happy scenes in my life are ones in which I am married. That ends today!
So I have to make a conscious change at once! It can be very easy to look at the past and see it in rose-colored glasses. But it wasn’t rosy. That’s why it isn’t my current life. Now that I know that my subconscious mind romanticizes my married life, I am going to smash those thoughts right out. I’m not sure how, but it will happen. I have to replace those memories but I am not sure I have any replacements right now as go-to happy place memories. So I have to look to the future.
Replacing those memories are new thoughts of what my life will look like in the next year or two or three. So many great opportunities are coming my way and I think making room for them by clearing out the dead weight of my marriage memories is a great way to start. The happiness on the horizon now that I am out of a bad marriage is limitless.
What is the moral of this story? It might be time to clear out some old, romanticized memories to make room for new, exciting ones that are coming your way, or already have. You still have plenty of time to create what one day will be your happy places. If you are romanticizing your former life, stop it! Look at where you are going and imagine how happy you will be. So happy that what lies ahead makes your former life look like chopped liver. You may not be able to see it clearly right now but just getting started on creating a new vision for your life will take over your thinking and help you make new memories.
Thank you, Oprah! You’ve done it again.
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