change
If you are a regular at Starting Over at Sixty, you know that I selected a word for myself for 2018. It was forward, and I really took it to heart. I believe that I got the idea from the book, Design Your Day by Claire Díaz-Ortiz (love that book). I was finally divorced at the beginning of the year so I traveled for several weeks to wash the stink off from all of that, then came home, bought a condo, moved in, spent several months living out of boxes and finally got possession of it (from the painters, plumbers, floor installers, etc.) in November. In the meantime, I have been working with consultants and tech types to figure out what direction the website should lean. More about that later. I had a little minor surgery to repair an old mistake, and here I am. I moved forward!
So, I was trying to think of what word would fit best for me for 2019. What would be a word that would motivate me to keep moving forward, and not actually be the word forward again? Nothing was coming to mind.
Then it happened. I was cleaning up in the kitchen while the kids were home for the holidays and I decided to put on some music. My Spotify was playing something from an evangelist who, I believe, was Eddie James. I couldn’t figure out why this was coming up, but when I looked at the screen the word “Breakthrough” was showing: I guess that’s what Mr. James’ topic was all about. It stopped me in my tracks (not that hard when I am cleaning!). That was the perfect word for 2019, Breakthrough, and here is why.
I’ve been feeling like I’m underwater lately, just trying to crash through the surface on nearly every front. Every project that I am super excited about in my life has been delayed a number of times. I am treading water at every turn and it has been wearing me down. So, while I have made a lot of
Well, not since I found Breakthrough, Sister! 2019 is the year of the breakthrough for me. It is the year to break through the barriers that have been holding me back for months or even years. For example, I have been hovering around a certain weight: I lose some then gain it back, or I go up then lose that. No way that is going to continue. It just isn’t. It is time to break through that certain number permanently. That’s it.
And, you may know that I have been working on two new programs for Starting Over at Sixty and they have been delayed and delayed and delayed. The website has been on hold for an eternity, it seems, and I was seriously considering dropping it altogether. I couldn’t break through and the delays were winning. Not any more! I am moving full speed ahead and in March you will be able to participate in the Sisters and WingWoman programs fully. I am so excited about it and you will hear more about it in the coming weeks.
So, just deciding what the word of the year will be has changed my outlook from dreary to excited again. And you can do the very same thing yourself. Think about how you would like to move through 2019. Do you want to take charge of your life this year? Or, have you been on a tread mill for months and just want to slow down? It’s your life and it can look like what you want, but I promise you that if you select a word to guide you through the year, you will stay focused on that word.
We all need little tricks to keep us on the path that we want to follow. Try a word for the year and see if it helps you. Let me know what you select in the comments. Happy January!
Read MoreStarting Over at Sixty has been a labor of love, a love letter, from me to you over the past few years and I get excited every week when I sit down to write my post: I feel like I am talking with best friends. But, I’ve been wanting to connect with you, my sisters, on deeper, more personal levels. I want to strengthen our community of single women, 50+, through discussion, through the sharing of best practices and through offering solutions to the many issues we all have in common. I want Starting Over at Sixty to be your go-to resource when you feel like you need strength, when you feel like you need understanding and when you feel like you are confused by the direction of your life. Because, everything you want is within reach, you just might need a little direction finding the path.
So, in the coming weeks, you will notice a re-vamping of Starting Over at Sixty. For those of you who love what you read, thank you, and don’t worry, the site will continue to contain all of the original content that you enjoy and I will continue to speak to you through writing about my experiences. In addition, for those of you looking to be a part of a strong community of women, you will find it here. You can subscribe for more pinpointed content just for you: content that will lead you along a path of action, a path of self-improvement and a path toward the happy life you are looking for.
But, there’s more. If you are lonely and looking for a way to turn your life around, I can help you. If you are isolated and looking for direction toward the life that seems to elude you year after year, I can help you. And, if you are tired of waiting to charge up your life for the next chapter, I can help you. I want to be your “wing woman.” Through one-on-one teamwork, we will get you moving forward to the life you have been dreaming about but have been unable to attain.
I am offering so many new ways for you to “use” Starting Over at Sixty as your inspiration and as your community. It should be your warm blanket and your kick in the pants at the same time. Get ready to start changing your life!
Read MoreI am not very political. I try to be informed, but I can’t say I’m even that all the time. I have strong opinions about many subjects, but until a couple of years ago, I vacillated on many issues that face our world. I am no longer that woman. You may have similar feelings. But I do know this for sure: unless we women tell our stories to those young women around us, we will have missed an opportunity. We can only help to make the world a better place for our daughters and grand-daughters if we let them know what it was like to be a woman in the 50s, 60s, 70s, and beyond. And, the only way to do that is to talk, to tell them about our lives. You must pass down your wisdom to the women around you.
We have all had them: we all have had experiences in which we were treated unfairly. We all have had experiences in which we were not paid as much as the men we were working with side by side. Many of us know how it feels to have a man make an unwanted advance toward us and not have anyone to report it to. Sadly, these are universal experiences for many of us women and if we keep all of that to ourselves when we leave this world, then shame on us. Shame on us for not letting young women know what it was like then so they can change it now. Shame on us for not telling our stories so other women can find the passion to right those wrongs. Shame on us for keeping them in the dark and not allowing our stories to help effect change.
The young women in your life undoubtedly love and respect you. So why would you not let them into your life as a young woman many years ago and let them know that it was not always that great and not that fair and that you are maybe seeing some of the same monsters rearing their ugly heads today?
OK, that’s all of my “I Am Woman Hear Me Roar” rant. Pass down your stories!
How would you like to see things change for the women in your lives? Do you think that can happen?
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What can you do when you are stuck? When I think of being stuck I think of mud, right? That works as a good visual when you are stuck in a situation, in a location or in a particular period of your life. You are stuck and need to come up with a solution.
I remember my therapist talking to me a lot about being stuck. I was stuck and she kept trying to help me get unstuck. The issue was that I had an unfaithful husband, and I was stuck because I don’t like philandering husbands, mine or anyone else’s, so clearly that was going to be a struggle because to stay married I had to get unstuck and be able to be in love with a philanderer. I could not. Fifteen years later I figured out how to get unstuck: it had to do with removing a ring from my third finger on my left hand. That’s how I got unstuck.
Connie, who read an article here a couple of weeks ago, commented about her life as a widow in a smaller town and I would call what she described as stuck. She feels stuck in a location. As I thought about what she described, it was just another form of feeling trapped. She doesn’t have a lot of options to remake her life as a single woman in her seventies. What can she do? I don’t have the answer, but I do have some thoughts.
Here is what I can tell you about being stuck: until you take action to change it you will always have those feelings. It will not go away. It will not disappear. It will not “absorb” into the life you want like body lotion.
The only hope of becoming unstuck is to figure out a way to change your mindset or “trick” your brain. It isn’t easy. For me, I was never able to change my mindset about my husband: what was I going to do, love philanderers? Tell my husband, “Good job,” when I found hotel charges on his credit card statements? Nope.
Connie, or anyone, however, can take some steps that might make her feel a little less glued to the floor.
Learn Something New
If you can’t learn something new at home, go online. You would be amazed at how good you feel when you take on a new project. It can look like anything: learn a new skill, find some new recipes for one and prepare them, study some new hairstyles that will give you a lift, learn how to repair that big scratch on your dining room table. Or study accounting if that turns you on. Just learn something new. Not only do you get the benefit of your finished project, but you will be able to use the information in the future. And, there is something about learning online that makes you feel like you are part of a community, even though it is a virtual one. Communication is taking place, and that’s a good thing as long as it isn’t the only communication that comes your way.
Talk to Someone
Talk with a friend or get professional help and work through it with them.
Live with It
If the situation is not going to change and you still want to remain in it, figure out a way to do that.
If I am being honest, I just recently realized that I was stuck in the mindset that being married is better than being single. Me, the one who writes about getting out there and making a great life for yourself, was stuck into thinking that marriage was the only way I would be happy. Guess what, that could not be further from the truth. It took an outside influence to “show” it to me and when I saw that I was stuck, I made a huge change to my mindset, or at least I got started. I am not all there yet but I will be, no question.
Let me say that changing your mindset is not easy. It takes work. It is not a natural process: we all want to stick with what we know until we find it to be uncomfortable. But when you can realize that you are frozen in place, you are on your way to creating a better life for your self.
Read MoreIt ‘s time for a new chapter at Starting Over at Sixty. Exactly three years ago I began living alone, having left my husband of more than 30 years. and while I know there are many of you who have been single a lot longer than three years, I can honestly say that I have felt a sense of urgency about starting my life over because I have much less time to do so than my counterparts who have been single for decades. I had to learn the ropes on the fly and get going to create the life I deserved to live all along. I moved into a one-room loft and started over. Fast forward three years and I moved to a much larger place. I can spread out a little and live in a little less cramped environment. I love it!
And on this three year anniversary of my life reboot, I have been thinking about how my life has changed and what I have learned through the experience and I could write a book, as I know you all could, and here are the cliff notes:
I Can Do Anything
When I became painfully aware that this marriage was finally over, I just kept saying to myself and my husband, “I can’t do it. I can’t do it.” I was thinking that I can’t do this to the kids, but I now know that I didn’t think I could actually do it myself: live as a single woman. I was a married mother of three and that was everything that I was. I was wrong: I am a woman who has three children and a really great life now. It took time. Lots of time. But I learned that the only person who was allowing that marriage to define me was me. No more.
I Can Be Anything
OK, I can’t be a supermodel, or a famous singer or an acrobat, but none of that is because my marriage failed. It is because those are not things I was ever going to be (I think singer still has a chance!). Honestly, I feel motivated, and strong, and smart, and courageous; more so than I ever did when I was married. Because my husband didn’t seem to value the things that I was good at doing, I stopped valuing those things, too. Now, I am back to living a life that is more in line with who I am. I don’t have to keep trying to be someone I am not.
I Am All Cried Out
I know that sounds ridiculous but it’s true, almost. When I moved into my little loft, I was beyond broken. My hair was falling out. I woke up shaking. And I cried. I cried and cried and cried and cried. So as I was walking out the door for the final time on moving day, I turned around and gave myself a minute to take it all in. I gave myself a few minutes to cry and guess what: I didn’t cry. I could look at that empty place and think, “I made it.” I was all cried out.
It is So Far From Over
My biggest lesson over the last three years is that my life is so far from over. Really, I have just begun to get my groove back. Let me say this: it sure isn’t all sunshine. And I can be walking down the street feeling like a million bucks and some ugliness comes my way and my brain goes to the darkness that I was living in for so long. Then I pull up my britches (as my friend Don likes to say) and get back to the business of Operation Be-the-Best-Paula-You-Can-Be! So, I hope you will notice more upbeat content here at Starting Over at Sixty and less “my life is over.” If you are feeling like your life is over, it is not and I know you will find comfort here.
A New Chapter at Starting Over at Sixty
Starting Over at Sixty Sisters is a free 8-week interactive course for single women 50 and over who want to continually improve their lives through community and guided “best practices.” I can’t wait to meet you there.
To join the group go to:
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1ZYEXS9ICDsu5KDOo9PzAuQ_97meeXmAL3Ntp88ttpmU/edit?usp=drive_open&ths=true
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