change
I have written before about a little book that I think has lots of tips in a small amount pages. Design Your Day, by Claire Diaz-Ortiz, is a great, quick read for organizing your life, rather than just your sock drawer! One of the tidbits that has stuck with me is the creation of one word or thought that is your mantra, your go-to when you feel like you are veering off track. So a couple of years ago I came up with the word “forward” to keep me moving in that direction. I still like that one and I still use it to “right the ship” when I feel like I am off course. But, my life has changed so much in the last few years since I am now well into my sixties and single, I thought it was time to come up with a new word that better defines how I want my life to go in the next year or two. Forward, I am not abandoning you and I want to keep moving that way, and I will always love you as my first word, but it is time to expand my repertoire of directional focus (that sounds like a self-help phrase doesn’t it?).
Goodbye Forward, Hello Goal
When my life was turned upside down and my marriage crumbled after more than thirty years, I constantly felt unstable, like I was walking on a waterbed of the seventies (don’t pretend you don’t remember). Every step was unstable and I was constantly wobbling and falling and having to catch my balance and try to stay upright. I spent a lot of time clinging to the edge. So “forward” gave me a direction and I could keep it in my sights. It helped me to put one foot in front of the other when I could barely move. Fast forward (pun intended) and I am perfectly capable of standing on my own two feet now and need to set the bar a little higher. I need to look ahead farther down the road.
Enter “Goal.” That is my word for 2018. I have given it a lot of thought and while I have moved forward quite nicely, I need more incentive to move to the next stage of life. I am now a fully functional single woman in her sixties, not the weepy sadsack that I was even one year ago. In my head, I am using goal as a verb, not as a thing but as an action. It is not something to achieve, but the act of achieving it. After all, it isn’t the achievement that is important but the getting there that makes it worthwhile, that creates inner growth and gives you that “job well done,” feeling. “Goal me,” is how I will think about it in my head. Kind of a “bring it on,” mentality.
What is Your Word?
During this holiday season, there are often times of sadness, especially if you are a woman who has had to start your life over after fifty, sixty or beyond. So start now, start right now thinking about a word that can help get you one step closer to where you want to be. You will know when you have the right one for you. It will stick in your head and you will revisit it over and over. Then get going. You don’t have to wait for 2018 to get started. However, let me say this: if your word turns out to be a bust, if it just doesn’t fit, guess what, pick another word. “Forward” was not the first word I landed on a year or two ago. I had others but as I put them into practice they just were not right. Be flexible with yourself. After all, it is yourself, your word, your motion.
What is the right word for you? What is the word that is sticking in your head for 2018? And, what will it mean for you in the coming year? I would love to hear from you, not just now, but all year long. I want to know how just one word helps you in your daily life. Believe it or not, one word can make a huge difference.
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Hand-off the holidays now! Because, I know that most of us remember the days when the holidays meant thousands of tasks that had to be completed by the December holiday, whatever holiday you celebrate. Cookies, parties, gifts; and that was just for the kids and school. Then family packages sent by the last date possible to make sure they arrived. Buying, wrapping and hiding what seemed like hundreds of gifts, only to forget where they were hidden when the time came to open them (please tell me I am not the only one). There were so many people in my life back then, so many more than I think I have in my life now. Having young children increased the number of people in my life by about 50 per child it seemed. I remember feeling like there were not enough hours in the day, then when I finished that day, there weren’t enough in the next day, until Christmas. I also remember singing in the church choir on Christmas Eve, getting home at about 1 a.m., filling the stockings and crashing. I would get up with the kids and do all of the opening on Christmas morning, then I fell asleep for about 3 hours. Just dead. Every Christmas. Crazy!
Enjoy Watching Others Do It All!
So, as I think about all that uproar, and I am over sixty and single, I think about how much I really get to enjoy every minute of the month ahead. Sure, there is plenty of gift giving and plenty of parties, but the pressure is off. I am not the head elf anymore and I gladly give up that title and hand-off the holidays. I watch it all unfold in front of me and I love being a spectator. I have passed the baton and get to watch my adult children take over. It’s heartwarming for me when they ask what church service we are going to attend (since they don’t have to go anymore) and to know that some things “stuck” with them.
And, I get excited to see what they have for me, not because I care what the gift is, but because it gives me a glimpse of who my children see me as, who they think I am and what they think I will like. A window into our relationship.
So, enjoy every minute of not being the top dog this holiday season. Enjoy the fact that you did it for all those years and now have successfully handed the reigns off to children or nieces and nephews or grandchildren. And, just watch all the seeds you planted for years grow before your eyes. Now, that, to me, is what the season is all about.
Read MoreI like to try new things. I always have. Especially if it is something that I am not good at. I was afraid of motorcycles so I took the classes. Why they passed me I will never know. When I went to buy a motorcycle I knew there was no way that I could drive it home. I had to have it delivered. They told me I was not the first person to do that, thank heavens. I bought all the motorcycle clothes and my fancy helmet and drove it maybe 20 miles over 2 years and donated it to Goodwill. I was still scared of it. I guess I thought my husband would get interested in it and join me. I saw us on long drives in the Hocking Hills on a beautiful Sunday. He saw me doing that while he did anything else. Lesson learned.
I had never had one accounting class and I felt that I was lacking because of it. I took accounting, online. About chapter 3 I figured out why I hadn’t studied accounting. I hated it. When I looked at the pages in the book my eyes crossed. I kept trying to get interested and I just couldn’t do it. I am all about girls in math and science, but sadly, no matter how cool I think it is, I am not one of them. Lesson learned.
So when it became clear that my husband found women who were nothing like me more attractive, I decided to be someone else. I decided that I could own restaurants. Well, I could, that was true, but I hated every day of it and I was terrible at it. In my mind I saw it going so differently and I thought it might bring us closer together. I thought he might become more interested in me. I thought we might be able to solve problems together, go over ideas together. You know, like a real husband and wife. I could not have been more wrong. Lesson learned.
I can name a hundred other times when I wanted to be good at something and was sure that I could do it, only to find that I couldn’t make myself good at it. I could not force myself to learn it or practice it or use it. I don’t think that I am not smart enough, or coordinated enough or that I don’t have a strong skill set. I am just better at some things than I am at others, and as I start my life over, I don’t think I have to change that. When I was married I was trying to be everything that I wasn’t, because clearly, I wasn’t enough. So I tried to be everything and was so miserable.
Now, I know my lane. That doesn’t mean I always have to stay in my lane, but I am becoming crystal clear on what I am good at, what I am interested in and what I like to spend my time doing. I used to say yes to everything. I was on committees that I dreaded. I was in organizations that were not of any interest, just to be in them. I did things socially that I really didn’t enjoy. Now I am done with all of that. Done done done. No more. Every day isn’t a picnic, but I know my lane. I know who I am. And, lots of things that I like to do are nerdy, but that’s me.
Get to know who you are. Get to know your lane. Again, it doesn’t mean you can’t try new things, but it does mean that you will be more mindful when you do. And, you will be more content and more at peace.
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