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This has nothing to do with being single except that I guess I am glad that no one else has to witness this horror! But, I woke up this week and what I saw was frightening. What happened to me?
Just after I awakened I raised my arms up and over my head and there it was, the inside of my arm. It was like nothing I had ever seen before. Wrinkles doesn’t even begin to describe my skin. And the way it hung from my arm was prehistoric, so much so that I had to figure out a way to take a photo because I knew no one would believe it unless they saw it with their own eyes. That’s what you are looking at in the photo, the inside of my arm.
OK, I expected my breasts to sag, and I expected my middle to grow. I knew my hair would turn gray and that my thighs would look like cottage cheese. My feet and toes can be used as weapons in case of emergency. In the winter I can use the palms of my hands as sandpaper if I am into a home project. But, the inside of my elbows? What a cruel trick to play on us girls!
The good news is, as I stated earlier, is that no one was around to see this but me. That’s the beauty of being single! After I took the photo I immediately lowered my arms and grabbed the nearest gallon jug of body lotion and began the process of, actually, making no difference whatsoever. My arms were just wet and saggy now. So, I put on what I can only call my arm “Spanx” top that sucks me in from my waist to my chin and hands, and went on my way.
It struck me that much of my time as I age is spent figuring out how to cover up, lift up and fold up many parts of my body. I hadn’t thought about that before. Now, it’s just a way of life.
Listen, I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am a lucky girl. I have no real health problems to speak of. I am in pretty good shape. I try to follow a sort-of healthy diet. I do what I can, but there is nothing I can do about the inside of my elbows.
The moral of the story is this, do what you can, but don’t think for a minute that you can prevent aging. You’ve just got to go with the flow, and laugh a lot!
Read MoreI work with single women over 50 in my WingWoman Program. I ask each woman what she wants to change in her life, and all of them tell me several areas of their lives that aren’t going well. Then, without exception, each one tells me why she can’t change things, and I am always reminded of the phrase made popular by Dr. Phil, “How’s that working for you? What you are doing right now, how’s that working for you?”
So, without saying that, I talk with them about how they can make adjustments that will get them closer to their goals, and the next phrase I hear is, “My problem is…” That one sentence is one that sends me over the top.
You say that you want to make changes, and that must be true or you wouldn’t be talking with me. However, every woman I work with holds on tight to who she is now, without putting any work into moving toward what she wants.
So, do we really want to change the direction of our lives for the better, or do we want something to complain about? Do we want to hold on to those very actions that are keeping us from what we “say” we want? I don’t know the answers to those questions, but I do know that if you change your actions, you can change the direction of your life.
Now, if I am working with someone who says she wants to make new friends who have some similar interests, I might suggest that she look into joining a meetup group. When the excuse on the other end is, “Well, they meet on Saturday mornings and that’s when I go to the grocery because it is the only time I can do that,” I hit her with good old Dr. Phil. And, honestly, if I get pushback, I know that the changes are all talk.
A few months ago I felt like I was just so unhappy. I was depressed. I cried all the time. I wasn’t motivated to do anything. I was miserable. I knew I had to make some plans to move myself forward and away from the doldrums. Not just talk about it but actually get into action. And I did and it worked and I am a new woman from the actions I took!
So, if you are wishing you could make some changes, stop the excuses for why you can’t make them happen and remember Dr. Phil. “What you are doing now, how’s it working for you?”
Read MoreAre you choking right now? Laughing? Crying? Well, stop it because I am serious: I have never felt sexier. At 63 I might be in my prime, as sad as that might sound to some of you.
I can honestly say that I haven’t felt sexy for maybe thirty years. Let’s face it, when your marriage is bad the word sexy doesn’t even exist. Add to that the stream of women in my husband’s life during our marriage, ending with someone much younger than I am (and yes I am aware that younger isn’t always better) and you get the drift. It chipped away at me until there was nothing left.
Even after I became single, I now realize, I carried so much of that in my head with me, that feeling that I wasn’t young therefore I wasn’t desirable or sexy. Well guess what girls, none of that was true for me and it isn’t true for you. It’s hogwash!
I am 63 years old. The only thin thing on me is my hair, which is almost all white and I’m not just talking about my head! My feet, without sandblasting, look pre-historic. My breast “base” is closer to my waist than to my shoulders. I used to have really great legs and, well, those days are over.
So why is it that I think I am sexier now than I have ever been? One word: freedom.
This year was not an easy one for me. I foolishly thought that once I was divorced I would cruise through a new and exciting life. That was partially true, but this last year presented many challenges for me. By the end of July, I was a mess: sad, lonely, depressed, feeling hopeless. You name it, it wasn’t going well around me. Then one day I told myself that I had to turn things around or continue to go down an unhappy slippery slope. So I made a conscious effort to make changes, and that helped, but I still wasn’t there.
My Friend Confronted with the Truth, Now I’ve Never Felt Sexier
Then my friend Cy said something to me that changed everything. He said, “Just have fun. What are you waiting for?” His actual words were, “What are you saving it for?” And with that I was free. He was absolutely right. I had been the keeper of the flame for family and some close friends for so long that I was miserable. I was constantly trying to be a positive role model for my children. I wanted to always be there for a very ill friend. I wanted to date but couldn’t stand to hurt anyone’s feelings if I didn’t think we were a fit so it had become a burden. Crazy, right! I wasn’t enjoying anything and he was right, when was the fun going to start for me?
So here I am, the sexiest I have ever been and loving it. And, I may not even be sexy on the outside. Don’t care. I feel alive and desirable. I feel smart. I feel accomplished. I am more interesting now. I feel independent. I feel free, and I think my newfound freedom shows in my zest for life. To me, that’s sexy!
Let me tell you something, feeling sexy, having a joie de vivre, isn’t bad. I now have a spring in my step that I had lost and I am a new girl again. Thank you, Cy.
Read MoreDo you ever look around the room at your friends and think to yourself, “When did everyone stop trying? When did we just give up?” You know what I mean: no one is wearing make-up. No one appears to have combed their hair all day. Those walking shoes have seen way better days. And, is there a bra in the room that wasn’t around for the turn of the century? Doesn’t anyone try any more?
I am not talking about spending a lot of money, so don’t get all judgy with me. It is more about giving up than it is about being frugal. I can look around a table of women my age and see a collective “just stopped caring.” And, I get it. Many of us spent years in a work “uniform” whether it was self imposed or an actual uniform and when we finally got the opportunity to ditch what we had to wear for what we wanted to wear we did a deep dive into comfort. We stopped wearing any clothing that wasn’t jammies. We dropped our fashionable footwear for sensible shoes full time, whether going to a wedding or taking a 3 mile walk. Make-up? Why? And, our hair? Forget it.
I am all about being sensible, but turning 50 or 60 or 70 doesn’t signal a new era of not caring, or at least it shouldn’t. This is a great time to have fun with your looks: who do you have to impress? I grant you that our hair, our skin and our bodies are not at all what they used to be, but in my mind that gives us more reason to step it up a notch.
I was having this same discussion with a friend last week and as I was talking, I realized that she doesn’t wear make-up. And, she told me that she never did wear make-up, so why would she start now? But she does like fashion and it shows. I wear make-up every day of my life and always have, so for me to stop that would feel un-natural. I have always been a person who puts herself together everyday but I don’t expect everyone to be like me. However, it makes me sad to look at a friend who is energetic and alive and confident about herself on the inside, and looks nothing like that same woman on the outside.
So, I want you to think about this: does your outside represent the woman you are on the inside? If not, what’s missing? Do you wish you could look more lively on the outside but you don’t know how? Ask a friend, or, better yet, ask your daughter or son. Any one of those people will tell you in a hot second what you need to change.
I think what you might find is that when you look like you care about yourself, others are interested in learning more about you on the inside. I want you to shine as brightly on the outside as your light is in your heart. You don’t have to invest in a new wardrobe but you do have to appear to care.
Remember when you were young and interested in fashion and how your looks were such a big part of your world? It was because it mattered to you. That doesn’t have to change just because you are a single woman over 50, 60 or 70. It’s hard enough to get noticed in this youthful world so keep fighting girl!
Read MoreI know I know I know, last week I wrote a post about giving yourself a break and allowing yourself to drop out of a couple of commitments in order to not feel weighed down but what you “should” do. And, I stand by that: it can lighten your mood tremendously. However, what I am talking about today is showing up fully for your life.
I was thinking about a friend of mine this week. She walks into every room like she is making a grand stage entrance. When she hugs you, you know you’ve been hugged. The woman seems to do everything, absolutely everything, at 100%. Whether it is working or playing, she attacks life.
I admire this quality and I want to emulate it for a couple of reasons. First, this woman is a blast to be around and I find myself looking forward to seeing her. I am happy to run into her. And, I want others to feel the same way about me, I want others to look forward to spending time with me. When I was newly single I felt lonely and isolated, then I realized that the only person who could make sure that I wasn’t lonely was me. I want to be a person who others are happy to run into.
But, showing up is more than that. Think about the times when you have had to help “host” even when the event had nothing to do with you. Maybe you were at a shower for a close friend’s daughter and you ended up being the one to entertain Grandma. That is showing up. That is what it means to show up and help ensure that the event is a success. Whether it is dinner or a party or Thanksgiving, I want to be a person who shows up. I want others to know that they can count on me to show up.
So, think about whether you are just walking through life, or are you really showing up for everything you do. If not, it’s time to change. I want you to show up for everything you do to improve your life. You will feel a fullness to your life. And, when your head hits the pillow you will feel like you have squeezed everything you could out of your day.
How do you define showing up for your life?
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