Embracing Change
If you are starting over and feeling lonely, just remember that you can make new friends at any age. If you think that sounds like work, it is. But, it’s necessary and worthwhile. One thing I realized when I was starting over was that as much as I loved my friends, most of them were married. I was married. We were all married together. And as much as I love them and they are still a huge part of my life, they had a life at home. I did not. We went out together (I am a lucky girl. Most of my friends seem to not mind having me tag along.) and then they went home together and had a family life. My life is not like that anymore.
It wasn’t very long until I figured out that I had to attack this loneliness head-on. Sitting at home crying myself to sleep had to stop. No one was going to find me in my apartment: that’s like sitting in a movie theater waiting to be discovered! So, I found some ways to get to know new people, people who were not part of my past. They know me as I am now. If you need help with loneliness try these tips.
Volunteer
Whether it is faith-based or through your community or is directed where you work, get yourself into some volunteer activity. Not only are you doing something good-hearted, which makes you feel better automatically, you make friends with the people on either side of you. You are working together. You already have something in common, you like to help others. If it is a recurring activity, you will naturally bond with your fellow volunteers and coffee or a glass of wine can’t be far behind. Everyone has a passion for something philanthropic, so get engaged in it and see what happens. You will reap such benefits: you will feel good about what you have accomplished, you will meet new friends, you will fill some time if you are feeling like you have too much isolated time in your new life, and you will let a few more people in the world know that you are single and looking for other opportunities to meet new friends. And, best of all, you spend some time not thinking about yourself, which is an unavoidable byproduct of the turmoil in your life. Bingo!
Take a Class
Want to learn something new? Then, learn it! For me, it’s knitting. I like to knit. I like to take knitting classes. When I take a class I am usually with women around my age so those are new friends. We talk while we knit, so we get to know each other. If we enjoy each other’s company we might get a cup of tea afterward. You may be thinking that you would like to meet some men as well. Take a class that offers you that opportunity. Any class, or training, allows you to improve yourself and make some new acquaintances, male or female, at the same time. You can even plan to take another class together, to keep the friendship going.
I love spending time with young people. And, taking a class at a local university or community college allows you to do that, again, while bettering yourself. I am a lifelong Spanish class taker: I have taken so many Spanish classes without seeming to learn a word of Spanish, but I keep trying and I have met some lovely young people in the process.
Become a Regular
OK, I’m sure that this will not sit well with some of you but just keep reading and I think you will stop judging me! When I left my big fancy home and moved to a one-room loft space downtown I had some bleak evenings. I could walk into my place at 5:00 and not talk to another soul until the next day. Once I walked Red, my cute dog, we were done for the night. Horrible. So, I walked myself down to one of the restaurants on my block and sat down at the bar. I introduced my self to the bartender, Tony, who was the Thursday night bartender. I told him I was new to the neighborhood and that was all I had to do. He introduced me to a couple of guys who were super connected around my area and they helped me know about the neighborhood organization that meets monthly. I ran into a couple who I had known in my previous life and they invited me to a party. Needless to say, I went to that restaurant every Thursday night and still do. I did the same thing at another place near me and had the same results. And, it can be a neighborhood coffee shop: it doesn’t have to be a bar. Just a place where you can walk in and introduce yourself and let people know that you are there and want to be social. Is it hard to walk into a bar and sit down by yourself? Absolutely. But without having done that, I would still be sitting in my apartment watching Wheel with Red.
Meetups
If you don’t know about meetups, here you go https://www.meetup.com. There is a meetup in every city around the world about any topic that you can imagine. They are held at restaurants and coffee shops and are groups of people who have similar interests. It is exactly what it sounds like, you meet up and discuss the topic of choice. So, there is a knitting meetup. There is a Spanish meetup that I want to attend but am too afraid since I have learned virtually no Spanish! There is a running meetup. There is a social media meetup. There is a French meetup. There is a wine enthusiast’s meetup. There is a parenting meetup. You name it, there is a meetup for it.
Please don’t think that I am being flip about loneliness. I did all of these things and I was still lonely after my marriage broke up. Years lonely. Still sometimes lonely. But, you must be proactive and you must do the work that it takes to get yourself back on your feet. Try just one of these tips and you will be amazed at how you will feel. And, if you have some tried and true methods of beating loneliness, please let me know in the comments. If you know someone who might benefit from these tips, please share with her.
Read MoreA colleague introduced me to a young woman who needed some help or advice for her vision of an organization dedicated to helping women 18-34 get a leg up, get themselves moving in a positive direction. I was happy to do it, and when we met for a cup of coffee I was reminded how much enthusiasm can come out of one person: like a puppy wagging its tail so hard it falls over (I mean that in the most positive way). She was excited, she had events planned, she wanted to do something good. Just do good for these young women. She is driven, and maybe just lacks some direction and organizational skills to get herself going. So we talked for a while and I asked if she has an elevator pitch: a sentence or two or three that would tell the story of her organization to someone she might meet in an elevator. When she said she had never heard of that before, I told her to start there. I know she will do it and I will feel like I was able to help another lady out.
For some of you, an elevator pitch is a well-known phrase, for others, you’ve never heard the term. It doesn’t matter. The point is that I knew something that she didn’t and I was able to give her that little nugget to get her focused. Easy, right? Yes, it was and is easy. That is what I want to share today: that all of us women of a certain age have tons to offer other women and this is the year to get all that knowledge out there.
I think that we will look back at 2018 as the Year of the Woman. The movement got started with the Women’s March in January 2017, which led to additional activism along the way. Add to that the #MeToo movement and by the end of 2017, women were poised with a strength that I am not sure I have witnessed. It wasn’t some women, it was all women. And now, it isn’t just women, and I think that makes an enormous difference. Once evolved men began to see what women had been up against for so many years, they too started to take action and got onboard. Make no mistake about it, if you are a politician you know without appealing to women and women’s issues in your next election, you are going to have a very difficult time getting elected.
So where am I going with this? Here it is: this is our time and we are not passed our prime. We are necessary to the women’s movement. We women 50+ may have felt a little invisible from time to time, but no longer. It is not only our privilege it is our duty to help other women get to the top of their game, whatever that is. It is our obligation to help other women who are struggling financially. Helping is what we women do and we should be doing it for other women as much as we can. Let’s focus on supporting other women and watch what happens. I know it will be amazing what comes of us working together.
I plan on continuing the discussion about how we women can help one another over the course of the year. I hope you will contribute to that discussion with ideas and what you see working in your community. This week, think about what you can do to Help Another Lady Out. FYI, my original title for this article was Help Another Girl, but #HAG was more than I could stand!
Read MoreDo you lack confidence? I came across an article in the Wall Street Journal this week about women in the workplace lacking confidence: young women were the focus, so I didn’t give it much thought since I am not one of those. Then I was meeting with my coach, Robin McAllister-Zaas, and we started talking about the fact that I lack confidence because of my body, a body that is what I like to call ample. I told her that I don’t like to post photos of myself because I don’t like my body (maybe I need counseling rather than a coach!). As we talked I realized that much of my lack of confidence can be traced right back to my unhappy marriage and that I need to take a good hard look at how that has changed my self-perception. That lack of confidence among women appears to be universal, whether you are young or old, single or married, a professional or not, a mom or not.
I was first made aware of how severe my lack of confidence was when I started dating again. I thought I was the most hideous troll on the planet, and so old that no one would ever look at me again. I had barnacles. Wonder where that came from? I thought I would live out my life knitting blankets with cat hair I collected, which would mean I would have to get a cat. Then, in what can only be considered a miracle, I went on a few dates and guess what, I wasn’t so gross after all. Men who were actually alive and breathing wanted to go out with me. Quelle shock! Not only go out, but they were interested in what I had to say. They thought I was pretty and nice and fun and smart, all the things that I thought had vanished. I knew I was those things 30 years ago but thought that I had lost my groove. Then, Paula got her groove back!
When I look back at my marriage, I know that I began to feel less confident as soon as I became an at-home mom. I know I was not alone. I truly believe that my husband lost interest in me at that time and I bought into his ridiculous thinking. I bought it! I let that make me feel small and unimportant. I can’t believe I let that happen. I am honestly a pretty tough cookie so if that happened to me I can’t imagine what it can do to a woman who lacks confidence from the start. Back to the Wall Street Journal article, I don’t think the lack of confidence that I experienced is much different from the lack of confidence that young women, or any women for that matter, face in the workplace. Those women feel like they don’t deserve a seat at the table just as I thought I didn’t deserve, well, anything.
Whatever the reason, men exude much more confidence, even when they are not. Remember that, even when they are not. And we buy it. But, as women, we have to do a better job. If I could talk to the at-home mom Paula now, I would say, “you are the same confident woman you were the day you got married. You had a career, you were smart, you were attractive, and you were confident. On the last day of the job, you were confident and the next day should have been no different.”
I learned a valuable lesson from my divorce attorney that did improve my confidence when I had to face contentious meetings with my husband in the room. Those meeting made me a basket case for days prior. My attorney had me rehearse over and over and over. That is something that I would have never thought of on my own. I worked on every scenario out loud, and when I got to the meeting, I was confident. I could not be rattled. I could not be minimized or made to feel stupid. So here is the key to confidence: know your stuff. Know how to prepare yourself for the next day, whatever is happening, so that people think you are the confident one in the room. Because you are!
I am attaching the link for the WSJ article in case you have interest in reading more.
Read MoreKeep this word top of mind: accountability. It feels like it is one of several buzzwords for 2018. The first time it caught my attention was when I was watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and the newest member of the group is an Accountability Coach. A what? OK, not sure what that is but I’m listening.
The Oxford Dictionary definition of accountability is the fact or condition of being accountable; responsibility. Responsible? No one is more responsible than I am. I carried the responsibility for keeping my family together during my long and unsuccessful marriage. It felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders every day. How can I be a person who is not accountable?
So, I started thinking about what accountability is and do I need a coach for it? No, I can do that myself, right? I just tell myself I am going to do something then I do it, easy peasy. Then why is it that I never follow through with a lot of the important stuff: less food, less alcohol, less sugar, less weight. Read more, watch Netflix less. Walk my dog five miles every day, hah!
I believe I am smart enough to be accountable to myself. I believe you are smart enough to be accountable to yourself. So why aren’t we and why are others able to help? If I knew the answer I would write a book about it and get rich and live happily ever after. But think about all the programs in the world that are based on changing behaviors and meeting with “helpers” weekly to keep us accountable, to help us stay on track to reach the goals we say we want to reach, whether it is about food issues or substance issues or career issues or motivation issues. There certainly seems to be a need for help with accountability.
Why it is I don’t know, but I do know that I am at the top of the list when it comes to not being accountable for some of the most important issues that I face. And I feel so let down when I get up every day not having fulfilled my promises to myself the day before, don’t you? Here is the answer: I am accountable to everyone else in my life, but not to myself. How terrible is that? To anyone who is depending on me, I am accountable. I feel responsible for my children’s sadness in their parents no longer being married and I feel responsible for money I lost on a terrible business venture, but that is more like guilt. If I tell someone I am going to do something for them, I do it. The end. But for myself, to myself, I am not accountable, and I would guess that a few of you are in that same boat. I hate to admit it but I think it is very much a women’s issue, taking care of others and being accountable to others but not ourselves. And, I feel ashamed of that and I hate carrying that shame around with me like my own invisible Scarlet Letter.
So what to do about that? If you started the year off with goals and haven’t followed through one bit with attained them, guess what, you can start now. You want to be accountable, start being accountable now. That is the good news. Accountability can start on any day of the week, not just Mondays. And if you fail today you can succeed tomorrow. The best part is that when you are accountable to yourself, you feel better. You feel inner pride. You exude confidence because you know you can do something that you hadn’t accomplished in the past.
Accountablity in 2018, that sounds pretty good, right? What are you wanting to be acountable for and are you ready to dig in? Can’t wait to hear from you and can’t wait for you to become accountable this year.
Oh, by the way, I have scheduled an appointment with an Accountablity Coach in two weeks!
Read MoreI know you have all heard the saying that holding on to anger is like trying to kill your husband by drinking poison yourself; well it is something like that. Last week I received a phone call from a woman who just began to spew anger, not at me, but on me. I was having a perfectly great day and in 20 minutes I was a puddle on the floor. I was a wreck. It was as if I had stepped into quicksand. My mind was transported back to the terrible years I spent living with heartache and anger before I left my marriage. I actually began to sweat, physically sweat, while she was talking to me. I understood her pain, but I didn’t want to be part of that world any longer, and just hearing about it made me so sad. I thought to myself, “how did this just happen? How did I go from happy and looking forward to the weekend, to a red-faced woman with tears and snot running down my face?” I know you can’t make yourself let go of past issues, that happens in its own time. But, you can give yourself some guidelines, or rules, to follow that will help you have more good days than bad. When you are armed with your own “blueprint” of who and what you want in your life you are released from so much of the bad.
My Blueprint
My rules, the ones that I try to live by, are pretty simple. I have learned that if I am dreading seeing someone, whatever the reason, it’s time to give that relationship another look. It may not be a friendship that is worth keeping. Of course, if it’s a relative, there is no getting out of it, good luck with that. But you can move friends who constantly bring you down to a lower “importance” tier on your imaginary chart. If you feel guilty about that, don’t. It puts you in a bad mood and why would you let someone do that to you? You are doing it to yourself!
A more serious matter is betrayal. If I feel that someone has betrayed me, and there are lots of levels of betrayal, I’m most likely out. Once that trust is broken I am probably never going to get it back. I’m just not. Whether it is a friend, spouse or co-worker, we are done. Remember, these are the rules that I follow, and they don’t have to be your rules. One thing about being older is that I know myself and what works for me. I thought I could bring my marriage back from the dead once, but looking back, there was no way. I was sleeping with the enemy, literally. I wasted fifteen years trying to figure out how to like my husband when the answer was right in front of me: I was never going to like him again. Sadly, betrayal won that battle.
That is my blueprint, but it doesn’t have to be yours. You may be a person who is able to work through betrayal and that is great for you. Or you don’t want to sever a relationship that isn’t working, whatever the reason. That’s OK.
Forgive and Move Forward
No matter what rules you live by in the friendship/relationship piece of your life, start to notice how you feel when you are with certain people. Are you excited? That’s perfect. Are you clenching your teeth? You might want to re-think that one. And, what about forgive and forget? Forgiveness is a wonderful quality and one we should all practice. But, forgetting is a mistake in my book. One thing we old girls have is experience, and to forget what we have experienced would be to erase our past. I say, forgive and move forward. You should take what you know and put it in your back pocket for the journey ahead.
Grow Younger
Are you still wondering where the grow younger part is? Well, people tell me all the time now how great I look, and I know they aren’t talking about my body! They are talking about my face: I knocked ten years off my face by leaving a bad situation. I can even see it in the mirror, so I know they aren’t blowing smoke up my bottom. Letting go of the muck that I was living in has actually made me look younger, something all the botox and fillers in the world couldn’t do. I promise if you let go of some of the things that are on a reel in your mind running over and over you will look, and feel, younger, too. Take a look at the photo of me above and the photos on the site that were taken more recently. Wow!
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