I have the opportunity to talk with single women 50+ often about their lives and what isn’t working for them. It can get a little heavy. But this weekend I was reminded to suck up all the joy I can find in life! No matter what you have been through or what obstacles you are facing, you have the opoortunity to feel some happiness each and every day and if you fail to allow it to lift your spirit, then shame on you.
Let’s face it, there are daily challenges for everyone. Then, add the number of years we all have under our “belts” and the little aches and pains that come with those years. OK, keep piling it on. Sprinkle in some divorce, death and financial issues and you may as well just lay in bed and wither away. It can all be too much. So much, in fact, that you might be unaware that you have become a Debbie Downer. You might not know that your negative outlook on life now and in the future is weighing you down figuratively and in my case, literally.
So how do you turn things around? How do you start to suck up all the joy you can find?
1. Start small: The sun is shining, yay. It is Pumpkin Latte season, hoorah. You catch my drift.
2. Be thoughtful about your joy: Purposefully add in some happiness, whether it is buying some flowers at the grocery for your bedroom or cleaning your kitchen junk drawer, do something each day that makes you feel good.
3. Plan, plan, plan: If you are coming up on some tough times, plan some good to mix in with the bad for some balance.
4. Create your own fun: You can’t always expect others to entertain you. So you always have to be willing to plan your own fun, whatever that might look like. Whether it is a painting class or going to a movie, if you are just waiting for someone else to make things happen, you will be disappointed.
Here is what triggered me to write about joy today:
Saturday night I was looking forward to Sunday: I did not have one thing on the calendar for Sunday. I was thrilled. Then, my phone rang and it was my son letting me know that his wife’s water just broke and they would be going to the hospital that night. My first grandchild. I was over the moon. I had to decide whether to sit by the phone on Sunday in my jammies awaiting the news, or get myself there. Expensive? Yes. A difficult day of travel? Absolutely. Leave the house early in teh morning, from the dog off, get to the airport, hospital, hospital, hospital, back to the airport, arrive home at 1:00 a.m. on a Sunday night.
I will never forget my day with my new grandson in my arms, and no phone call could replace the look on my son’s face when I walked into the room after the birth.
Suck up all the joy you can find.
Read MoreI can’t count the number of times I have written a post about loneliness. I think it is one of the most important factors in the lives of single women over fifty, and it is the main culprit in diminishing the quality of our lives if we let it. Some loneliness we just have to accept as part of life and growing older, but if you pay attention to the signs of loneliness and what is causing it for you there is a way to manage it.
Webster’s Dictionary defines loneliness as being without company. That’s alone in my book, not loneliness. Or sad from being alone. Nope, that’s not it either. Then it goes on to extend the definition as producing sadness and bleakness. Now that is closer. But I think I have come up with an explanation for my own lonely times that is helping me learn to better cope.
You need to know this, I love being alone. I always have. It might stem from my being an only child, a child who probably had more privacy than my friends who had three or four or five children in the family. As soon as I graduated from college, I got my own apartment. This doesn’t mean that I don’t like people, I do. As a matter of fact, I am super social. I love to be around lots of people. At the same time, I love reading and knitting and watching television alone. I can entertain myself for hours and days and weeks. Having time alone is awesome.
I am happy to be alone until it hits me that my children and friends are having fun without me! I am talking about holidays or long weekends traveling: when I think everyone is out having fun and I am not I get lonely. I feel left out and I feel sad. So I believe loneliness is not just being alone, it is being alone and missing something. Missing out. Missing something that you used to have or do. I was talking with a woman yesterday who told me that since her partner died she is so lonely. I get that: she had one life that she enjoyed and now that is gone and she misses it. Loneliness is in the missing.
One of the loneliest feelings for me is when my adult children are with their dad, now that I am divorced. It is not that I think they are having more fun with him than they are with me (don’t worry, they are not). It is the feeling that my time with them is cut in half, that I don’t get the whole holiday or visit. Just my part of it. Hate it hate it hate it and that is probably the loneliest feeling in the world.
So what can I do to combat the lonely times in my life? What can you do? First, plan ahead. Thanksgiving comes around every year and this year will be no exception. Get ready for it. I have been planning my holiday, well probably since last year. You don’t have to go that far, but make sure you have a plan in place, whether that is a movie or a Turkey Trot or dinner with friends. Never ever think that you can just ride it out with a good book and a bottle (did I say bottle? I meant glass) of something. You will end up more depressed and feel more alone than you did before. I have three holiday weekends that make me come unglued: Martin Luther King Day, President’s Day and Labor Day. Two are freezing and dark and one signals the end of summer. I know myself and I know I need to plan for those. If I don’t I will be miserable. It doesn’t have to be fancy, just something that keeps me occupied and happy and busy.
So prepare yourself. Don’t let that monster eat you, you eat that loneliness monster!
Read MoreI talk to so many women who have been single for quite a while and would like to meet someone and maybe go on a date or two. When they ask me how I met a guy and I tell them that we met online, they nearly pass out! “Is it safe?” That is the next question 100% of the time. These are the same women who would buy a Louis Vuitton bag on eBay, the same women who will buy Cher tickets on StubHub, and they ask me if it is safe to meet someone online. Go figure. Do they think I invite a stranger to my door and greet him wearing plastic wrap? I do not. So, let me tell you how I do it and have met several very nice men, and met some big weiners, too! So online dating, what are you afraid of?
When I started looking at dating sites I was nervous. It made me feel exposed. Then I realized that I was only exposing what I chose to, and that doesn’t have to be much. I only post a few general photos and a few facts about myself and that’s it. More than that is not necessary. Do not, I repeat, do not post a photo of your cat. I know that sounds mean but I have heard that from more than a few men who are on the sites. So just be “professional” when you post your profile on any dating site. And, if you like to swing from the chandelier naked, good for you, but you might want to wait until you meet in person before you fly your freak flag!
I remember when I first had someone show some interest in me I was terrified. I hadn’t been asked on a date in about 35 years. I continued to message him back and forth for way too long then, at the end of the day, we weren’t a match and I felt like I had wasted a lot of time. If you are interested in someone and he is interested in you, a few messages back and forth ought to do it. You can plan to meet at a public place for a drink or coffee to see if this is worth pursuing for either of you. Don’t invite him back to your place. Don’t go to his place. Don’t even drive away until he is gone if you are feeling uncertain. Just use your common sense.
You need to put your big girl pants on because there is lots of rejection. Don’t get in a twist about it: that just means you are getting closer to Mr. Right. I know that’s not easy, and that it might be why you haven’t dipped your toe in the online dating pond, but if I can do it anyone can. I do not take rejection well, but I figure it’s his loss, right?
Men have told me two scenarios about meeting women online that seem universal and they don’t like it: one is that their date is interviewing for a husband and the other has to do with wanting to know about the man’s finances. They do not like this! I don’t think I would either. Before I had heard these categories I had already come up with my own answer to, “What are you looking for?” This is it: “I don’t know what I am looking for but what I can tell you is that I am not looking for a pen pal (I don’t want someone who is just into texting, and that is a thing for various reasons) and I am not looking for a husband. That seems to be succinct enough for them.
Now, after all those caveats, the best reason to begin online dating is that you just might meet someone with whom you have lots in common and have a great time together, whether or not it’s love. That’s worthwhile.
Read MoreOver the past week and a half I have been traveling some for business and some for pleasure. And, I traveled solo. So I came up with the 5 best reasons to enjoy traveling alone, While that’s not something that has ever bothered me I know so many women who don’t like to travel solo. OK, I understand that dinner conversation isn’t great when there is no one across the table, and I attended a wedding this weekend where most of my dance partners were 11-year-olds. Other than that, let me give you some reasons to enjoy travel alone.
Shopping
I don’t think I need to say any more about this topic except that it is so great not to have to justify purchases. I felt no need to ask anyone if my bottom looked big in these pants. I bought four pairs of shoes, three of which I would have left behind had I not been solo, and I did not have to go to a golf store in fairness to anyone. It was all me, me, me.
My Time is My Own
If I want to sleep in, I can. If I want to stay up into the wee hours of the night to finish a book or binge watch a series, I can do that. I can’t do that when I am on someone else’s schedule. Or, I can schedule something super early, come back and nap if necessary, then head out again. I am on my time.
I Get All the Attention
My children live across the country. I visit them often and when I do I get 100% of their attention. I don’t have to share them with anyone. We do what they want to do and nothing else. If they want to see a movie or go to a play or shop for stuff for their house, we do it. I get one-on-one time while we run errands and pal around together. I can’t put a price on that. I just love being with them in their daily lives.
Not A Sport in Sight
No matter where I am, no matter what teams are in town, I do not have to go to a sporting event! If you are like me, you have had your share of sports with your children and your spouse or friends. I am as big a fan as the next girl, but I do not travel for sports any longer and I love that. I know you know what I am talking about. No rain gear unless I am going to a rainforest! While this may sound like my own pet-peeve, everyone has their thing that they have to do when vacationing with their crowd. When I am with my children we will often go for a run: you can bet when I am alone I don’t pack running shoes! And play tickets are easy to come by when the number is one.
Eating Alone
This is a big one for some women. Not everyone likes eating alone and I agree that day after day it can get a little rough. But I went to a brunch at a lovely resort where you must have a reservation well in advance for brunch. I walked up and asked if I could get a table and when I said table for one the hostess brightened up and said she could accommodate me. Both of us couldn’t believe it! Not only did I get a table, I got a table on the window that was a little tight for two. How lucky was I?
This brunch was the best, and I didn’t waste one inch of my plate on protein at this beautiful buffet: bread pudding, waffle, biscuits, bananas foster, strawberry shortcake. Would I do that with others watching? The answer is heck no (let me just say that I did not eat any else the rest of the day).
If I am having dinner by myself I always eat at the bar. Usually, I can get a conversation going with someone and it’s great when that person is a local so I can get some tips and suggestions on local attractions; dinner and a virtual tour!
I have several friends who would not think of traveling alone, but I think if they tried it just one time they would be hooked. And if you can pepper it with trips with people you love then you have the best of all worlds!
What was your favorite trip that you did solo? What tips would you give others who want to take the plunge?
Read MoreKnow what triggers your loneliness and you can be pro-active in reducing it. That’s right, I am convinced that we can all take some action to mitigate our own loneliness, not make it go away, but lessen its power.
First, recognize the difference between being alone and being lonely. I love spending time alone. I love to read, watch television, knit: I love all those things and love having time to do them. But, do I want to be doing them on Christmas Eve? No. That’s where the difference lies. The loneliness comes when we would be doing something else in that time period. For example, back when my children were young, if you had told me that I would have the opportunity to spend July 4th alone next to a pool sipping a drink with an umbrella in it, I would have said, “Sign me up!” That holiday was one that seemed to last forever: hot, sticky weather, cookouts, fireworks: it was endless. Fast forward, and I have plenty of time on that day. No one needs me on the Fourth. I am not complaining, but I realize that loneliness strikes when I feel like I am missing out. I am most lonely when I know that there is lots of fun being had elsewhere but not with this girl. It took me a long time to figure that out (not the brightest bulb in the pack). I don’t care one bit about football, but I feel lonely if I am watching the Super Bowl alone: I create a scenario in my mind where everyone I know is living it up, laughing and high-fiving all around. I feel lonely on Valentine’s Day, the day that has been set aside to make many of us miserable. (For the record, it wasn’t my favorite when I was married either).
I am aware that as a single woman in my sixties I am not going to totally rid myself of loneliness. But, I can pay attention and lessen the pain of loneliness. Here are some ideas:
Plan Ahead
When I had first left my marriage, I had a big anniversary coming up. I was not excited about the upcoming anniversary and knew the day would be a killer. So, I made plans to travel and a friend joined me for a couple of those days. We had planned an adventure on the anniversary and it worked so well that I almost forgot about it. I had been saved the torture of sitting in my tiny apartment and feeling sorry for myself. I owe that friend a debt of gratitude.
When my first Christmas as a single woman was around the corner, I was full of dread. How was I going to get through it? But, I did some planning. Since there were no small children in our family at the time, I opted to spend Christmas afternoon and evening with my children at my place. I didn’t think I could stand to have them leave me midway through the day. Again, my bestie helped me by planning to go to a morning movie. It was great. It was quiet and we saw a movie that would be sold out later in the day. I came home and got things ready and barely noticed what I had dreaded for weeks.
Volunteer
I understand that we don’t all have someone to partner up with on tough days, but, you can always find something to do. If there is no one to help you get through those rough times, volunteer. Nothing makes you feel better about yourself than serving others. Period. It will make the time fly by and when you get home you can pat yourself on the back for helping others. Bravo!
No No No
Do not plan to go to a spa alone. You will just think of everyone else having a blast without you. Do not plan to stay home and clean out under your kitchen sink. Gross! Do not plan on seeing a romantic comedy. I don’t think that needs clarification. And, do not decide that you are going to read War and Peace on that day because you are not. Do not go on Facebook to see how much fun the rest of the world is having.
The Moral of This Story
The moral of this story: we all deal with loneliness. But, we can each improve our outlooks by putting coping mechanisms into place for when we are feeling low. I want to end with this: I would love it if you would forward this post to a friend who you think might benefit from reading it, and, I have never felt as lonely as a single woman as I did in my marriage. There is no comparison.
Read MoreI have a question for you: do you take every opportunity that comes your way? I had the honor of having an in-depth conversation with a group of women who are incarcerated. The topic was freedom and I was floored when they unanimously told me that they attained true freedom when they came to prison: they were freed from the demons that had haunted them on the outside. They also let me know that there is no lack of opportunity within those walls: that there is no excuse not to grow personally inside the prison.
Those words have been rolling around in my head for several days: no lack of opportunity. Well, if there is no lack of opportunity inside prison walls, then there is certainly no lack of opportunity on the outside. Am I recognizing opportunity when it shows up and am I taking every opportunity that comes my way? Ask yourself the same question: are you taking every opportunity that comes your way at 50, 60 and beyond? I hope the answer is yes, but if it’s not, it’s time to make a change.
Lack of Growth is Aging
To me, one of the fastest ways to age prematurely is to stop learning, to stop expanding your knowledge and to stop being curious. When you have one-third of your life left to live why would you stop in your tracks? You most likely have more free time now than at any other time in your life, so do you really want to waste it? Whether you are furthering your education or learning how to knit, you are expanding that limitless brain, and that keeps you young, I am convinced.
Remember the women in the prison, who say they have no excuse not to grow within those walls. Do you really have any excuse not to grow on the outside? Are you closing yourself off from opportunity? This is a good time to self-assess and if the answer is yes, it’s time to make a change. As the women told me, there is no excuse for not growing and improving yourself, whether behind prison walls or not.
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