self help
Know what triggers your loneliness and you can be pro-active in reducing it. That’s right, I am convinced that we can all take some action to mitigate our own loneliness, not make it go away, but lessen its power.
First, recognize the difference between being alone and being lonely. I love spending time alone. I love to read, watch television, knit: I love all those things and love having time to do them. But, do I want to be doing them on Christmas Eve? No. That’s where the difference lies. The loneliness comes when we would be doing something else in that time period. For example, back when my children were young, if you had told me that I would have the opportunity to spend July 4th alone next to a pool sipping a drink with an umbrella in it, I would have said, “Sign me up!” That holiday was one that seemed to last forever: hot, sticky weather, cookouts, fireworks: it was endless. Fast forward, and I have plenty of time on that day. No one needs me on the Fourth. I am not complaining, but I realize that loneliness strikes when I feel like I am missing out. I am most lonely when I know that there is lots of fun being had elsewhere but not with this girl. It took me a long time to figure that out (not the brightest bulb in the pack). I don’t care one bit about football, but I feel lonely if I am watching the Super Bowl alone: I create a scenario in my mind where everyone I know is living it up, laughing and high-fiving all around. I feel lonely on Valentine’s Day, the day that has been set aside to make many of us miserable. (For the record, it wasn’t my favorite when I was married either).
I am aware that as a single woman in my sixties I am not going to totally rid myself of loneliness. But, I can pay attention and lessen the pain of loneliness. Here are some ideas:
Plan Ahead
When I had first left my marriage, I had a big anniversary coming up. I was not excited about the upcoming anniversary and knew the day would be a killer. So, I made plans to travel and a friend joined me for a couple of those days. We had planned an adventure on the anniversary and it worked so well that I almost forgot about it. I had been saved the torture of sitting in my tiny apartment and feeling sorry for myself. I owe that friend a debt of gratitude.
When my first Christmas as a single woman was around the corner, I was full of dread. How was I going to get through it? But, I did some planning. Since there were no small children in our family at the time, I opted to spend Christmas afternoon and evening with my children at my place. I didn’t think I could stand to have them leave me midway through the day. Again, my bestie helped me by planning to go to a morning movie. It was great. It was quiet and we saw a movie that would be sold out later in the day. I came home and got things ready and barely noticed what I had dreaded for weeks.
Volunteer
I understand that we don’t all have someone to partner up with on tough days, but, you can always find something to do. If there is no one to help you get through those rough times, volunteer. Nothing makes you feel better about yourself than serving others. Period. It will make the time fly by and when you get home you can pat yourself on the back for helping others. Bravo!
No No No
Do not plan to go to a spa alone. You will just think of everyone else having a blast without you. Do not plan to stay home and clean out under your kitchen sink. Gross! Do not plan on seeing a romantic comedy. I don’t think that needs clarification. And, do not decide that you are going to read War and Peace on that day because you are not. Do not go on Facebook to see how much fun the rest of the world is having.
The Moral of This Story
The moral of this story: we all deal with loneliness. But, we can each improve our outlooks by putting coping mechanisms into place for when we are feeling low. I want to end with this: I would love it if you would forward this post to a friend who you think might benefit from reading it, and, I have never felt as lonely as a single woman as I did in my marriage. There is no comparison.
Read MoreI always look at which posts are more popular on Starting Over at Sixty than others so I can learn more about my readers and their interests. One topic that repeatedly gets the most hits is loneliness. Loneliness is at the top of the heap consistently. Even if I reprint a post about loneliness it is again, very popular. That tells me that many single women over 50, 60 and 70 deal with loneliness. It is so sad because we still have 30-50% of our lives left to live with passion while in the grips of loneliness. Well, guess what, we are not a subculture: we are not an “also-ran.” Americans live more than 60% of there lives single. But, I am often heartbroken by the loneliness that single women feel.
So, that’s what I have been focusing on: a program that helps single women live lives that are as full and meaningful as they can possibly be. We need to live with the same strength and drive to have a happy life as we did when we were younger, no matter what our end game is. I am offering a free 8-week program that I am calling Starting Over at Sixty Sisters. It will include interactive webinars, actionable items to tackle and support and pep-talks along the way. Will it be inspirational? Yes. Will you be part of the conversation? Yes. And, will you feel like you are part of a powerful, vibrant community? Oh yes, you will!
I can’t wait to get started: just go to this link to sign up for the free 8-week course. You will hear more about it in the weeks to come. You have nothing to lose by joining and I know you are going to love the ride. These are the phrases that are rolling in my head every minute:
Never give up, never give in and go get ’em!
Read MoreThree years ago I ran away from home: I moved out of the home that I shared with my husband before he returned from work at 6 p.m. I moved into a one-room industrial loft, the one in the photo here, that I absolutely loved. The apartment felt small and safe. It was the one little place where I could hide from the world while my marriage was crumbling.
Last Saturday I took a giant step in building a happy life for myself again: I moved again. I now own my own condo (well, of course, the bank owns my condo!). I have lots of space and a wonderful view, two stories and the biggest closet I have ever owned (I will post some pictures when the boxes are unpacked)! And, while it is filled to the brim with boxes right now, it represents a new beginning for me; a new, happy chapter filled with hope and success and family and friends. “All that, just from changing your address,” you might ask. Yes! Yes! Yes! When I moved to my loft, I felt that it was important for it to look like home for my adult children. I wanted them to know that no matter where I lived, it would be their home. It might have been just one room, but it was their home. And that’s what it was, their home.
Now, while this is still their home, it is my home, it is me. My new place is not a miniature replica of my married life: it is a home for a single woman over 60 who has a full, exciting life. It is a place where I can entertain, where my children can sleep in separate rooms when they visit (rather than all in one room) and it is a place where I can really start my life over. There is nothing about it that screams, “I am a sad, sad woman who is having to pick up the pieces of her failed marriage and trudge through life.” Instead, I feel like it says, “Paula has overcome a mountain of obstacles and look at her now!”
Join My New Program!
So, I am launching a test program for Starting Over at Sixty followers designed to build community among women who are 50+ and single and want to live the fullest lives possible. I mention it here because the focus of the group will be how to take steps forward in order to live a life on the outside the way you feel on the inside: vibrant, vital and relevant. I want you to live in alignment! I hope you will join other women who support each other through this chapter of life. Please register here. This test group is 100% free and launches August 1, 2018. I can’t wait to get started!
Read MoreThink about this: are you the woman you want to be? Really, if you listed all the attributes that you would possess if you were exactly who you want to be, do you have them? That thought came to me during a conversation with a coach that I hired to help me move forward more intentionally. I thought I knew all the answers by now but I began to think about what pieces are missing, and how I can change that. As much as I write about embracing change, I am not doing that as fully as I thought I was, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you might be in the same boat.
I believe that for the first time I am totally aware that while I appear to be making everything work out great on the outside, I still have too many demons on the inside and they are holding me back from being the woman I want to be. So, you know what, it is time to change that and my hope is that you will join me. Take a look at these steps to getting closer to being the woman you want to be.
What is Missing in Your Life?
Honestly, if you had a perfect life, what would it look like? When you are daydreaming, and we all do, what is that dream? Where do you live? Who is with you? What does your average day look like? Are you the rockstar of your own life? Of course, you are, it’s your dream. Allow yourself to think about what your best life would look like. Not your win the lottery life but your best real life. What is missing from that life and do you really want it, or you just say you do? If you honestly do want to change your life, then how can you make it happen?
How Can You Get There?
To get to a new restaurant you need directions right? Well, if you need help moving forward toward your perfect life, do you know where to get that assistance? Tomorrow, what action will you take? Are you moving forward in the process, or are you just paying lip service to it? What professionals can help you make that dream a reality? Or friends? Or colleagues? Or family members?
Are You Sure It Is What You Want?
Be honest with yourself. Even though you say you would like to quit working, maybe the reason you haven’t is that it isn’t really what you want. If what you say and what you do are not the same, there is a fly in the ointment? Something isn’t quite right. Focusing your attention inward will eventually lead you to what you genuinely care about. When your daily activities are not aligning with where you want to go, something is off. Here’s an idea: write down what your perfect life would look like. Match it up to what your life is right now. Do they align? If the answer is yes, yay! If the answer is no, then maybe it isn’t what you want, or maybe you need to focus more on that piece of your life so you can actually get there.
When you align what you value with how you live your life, it doesn’t get any better. You are living your life as you intend. You are who you say you are and that is peace of mind.
Read MoreKeep this word top of mind: accountability. It feels like it is one of several buzzwords for 2018. The first time it caught my attention was when I was watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and the newest member of the group is an Accountability Coach. A what? OK, not sure what that is but I’m listening.
The Oxford Dictionary definition of accountability is the fact or condition of being accountable; responsibility. Responsible? No one is more responsible than I am. I carried the responsibility for keeping my family together during my long and unsuccessful marriage. It felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders every day. How can I be a person who is not accountable?
So, I started thinking about what accountability is and do I need a coach for it? No, I can do that myself, right? I just tell myself I am going to do something then I do it, easy peasy. Then why is it that I never follow through with a lot of the important stuff: less food, less alcohol, less sugar, less weight. Read more, watch Netflix less. Walk my dog five miles every day, hah!
I believe I am smart enough to be accountable to myself. I believe you are smart enough to be accountable to yourself. So why aren’t we and why are others able to help? If I knew the answer I would write a book about it and get rich and live happily ever after. But think about all the programs in the world that are based on changing behaviors and meeting with “helpers” weekly to keep us accountable, to help us stay on track to reach the goals we say we want to reach, whether it is about food issues or substance issues or career issues or motivation issues. There certainly seems to be a need for help with accountability.
Why it is I don’t know, but I do know that I am at the top of the list when it comes to not being accountable for some of the most important issues that I face. And I feel so let down when I get up every day not having fulfilled my promises to myself the day before, don’t you? Here is the answer: I am accountable to everyone else in my life, but not to myself. How terrible is that? To anyone who is depending on me, I am accountable. I feel responsible for my children’s sadness in their parents no longer being married and I feel responsible for money I lost on a terrible business venture, but that is more like guilt. If I tell someone I am going to do something for them, I do it. The end. But for myself, to myself, I am not accountable, and I would guess that a few of you are in that same boat. I hate to admit it but I think it is very much a women’s issue, taking care of others and being accountable to others but not ourselves. And, I feel ashamed of that and I hate carrying that shame around with me like my own invisible Scarlet Letter.
So what to do about that? If you started the year off with goals and haven’t followed through one bit with attained them, guess what, you can start now. You want to be accountable, start being accountable now. That is the good news. Accountability can start on any day of the week, not just Mondays. And if you fail today you can succeed tomorrow. The best part is that when you are accountable to yourself, you feel better. You feel inner pride. You exude confidence because you know you can do something that you hadn’t accomplished in the past.
Accountablity in 2018, that sounds pretty good, right? What are you wanting to be acountable for and are you ready to dig in? Can’t wait to hear from you and can’t wait for you to become accountable this year.
Oh, by the way, I have scheduled an appointment with an Accountablity Coach in two weeks!
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