self discovery
Keep this word top of mind: accountability. It feels like it is one of several buzzwords for 2018. The first time it caught my attention was when I was watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and the newest member of the group is an Accountability Coach. A what? OK, not sure what that is but I’m listening.
The Oxford Dictionary definition of accountability is the fact or condition of being accountable; responsibility. Responsible? No one is more responsible than I am. I carried the responsibility for keeping my family together during my long and unsuccessful marriage. It felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders every day. How can I be a person who is not accountable?
So, I started thinking about what accountability is and do I need a coach for it? No, I can do that myself, right? I just tell myself I am going to do something then I do it, easy peasy. Then why is it that I never follow through with a lot of the important stuff: less food, less alcohol, less sugar, less weight. Read more, watch Netflix less. Walk my dog five miles every day, hah!
I believe I am smart enough to be accountable to myself. I believe you are smart enough to be accountable to yourself. So why aren’t we and why are others able to help? If I knew the answer I would write a book about it and get rich and live happily ever after. But think about all the programs in the world that are based on changing behaviors and meeting with “helpers” weekly to keep us accountable, to help us stay on track to reach the goals we say we want to reach, whether it is about food issues or substance issues or career issues or motivation issues. There certainly seems to be a need for help with accountability.
Why it is I don’t know, but I do know that I am at the top of the list when it comes to not being accountable for some of the most important issues that I face. And I feel so let down when I get up every day not having fulfilled my promises to myself the day before, don’t you? Here is the answer: I am accountable to everyone else in my life, but not to myself. How terrible is that? To anyone who is depending on me, I am accountable. I feel responsible for my children’s sadness in their parents no longer being married and I feel responsible for money I lost on a terrible business venture, but that is more like guilt. If I tell someone I am going to do something for them, I do it. The end. But for myself, to myself, I am not accountable, and I would guess that a few of you are in that same boat. I hate to admit it but I think it is very much a women’s issue, taking care of others and being accountable to others but not ourselves. And, I feel ashamed of that and I hate carrying that shame around with me like my own invisible Scarlet Letter.
So what to do about that? If you started the year off with goals and haven’t followed through one bit with attained them, guess what, you can start now. You want to be accountable, start being accountable now. That is the good news. Accountability can start on any day of the week, not just Mondays. And if you fail today you can succeed tomorrow. The best part is that when you are accountable to yourself, you feel better. You feel inner pride. You exude confidence because you know you can do something that you hadn’t accomplished in the past.
Accountablity in 2018, that sounds pretty good, right? What are you wanting to be acountable for and are you ready to dig in? Can’t wait to hear from you and can’t wait for you to become accountable this year.
Oh, by the way, I have scheduled an appointment with an Accountablity Coach in two weeks!
Read MoreI think it goes without saying that the breakup of a family is always tragic. And the people who are hurt the most, the children, are the hardest hit, no matter their age. If you ask any child of divorced parents how it feels, he or she will most likely have nothing but sadness, even when things have worked out OK, whether that child five years old or fifty. I fail to remember, however, how much they already know, whether instinctively or first hand, about the issues in the marriage and the divorce. What I thought I was protecting my children from, well, I was kidding myself (go figure). It made me yearn for the days when they were young and I told my little Ryan that his guinea pig died of a heart attack (do you think there is such a thing?). While that made him sad, he didn’t have to know that the dog came down the stairs with the dead pet in his mouth! The problems that he has to deal with as the adult child of a broken family are too, too, too painful, even at his age, and I have tried to shelter my children from as much as I can. But I was made aware this weekend of what a poor job of sheltering I have actually been doing. I am telling you this: never underestimate your children. They know who you are.
I was reminded of that fact when in conversation with one of my sons about a difficult topic. I don’t discuss much about my relationship with their father but I needed to let my children know how I was feeling and a very wise friend told me that he thought I should open up the channels of communication, so I did. They were nothing but kind. They were nothing but smart. They were aware of issues that I thought I had kept well hidden, and had not. They were supportive and caring and loving and all of the things that we all want our children to be. I was blown away and I don’t know why: that is how they were raised.
So, if you are starting over, or started over twenty years ago, it doesn’t matter. Do not underestimate your children. They know who you are. As one of my sons said to me once, ” you raised us.” He was right, I did. And, you did. You raised your children to be the fine humans that they are now, so communicate with them. They will help you find the answers you need when you are struggling with something. After all, as I always say, “the nut doesn’t fall far from the tree.” ( I know the word is apple but in my case, nut is a little more accurate.)
Read MoreI know as a single woman in her later years, it might be scary to think about travel alone. I get it. I wasn’t sure I could even do it, but I can and I do. As a matter of fact, I have been able to gain confidence through travel on my own.
When it comes to vacations, my former husband and I had such different ideas that I now realize that I have been traveling by alone all my adult life. There is hardly any difference, except that there is not another body at the dinner table. But if I am honest with myself, that was all my husband was when we went on trips, another body. He was always very busy checking scores: it seemed to be a full-time job. His other activities were finding a sporting event in the area to attend, finding a local golf course and finding a sports bar to watch sports-anything. So, to say that traveling by myself is new isn’t quite accurate: I have always made my own plans for travel.
Gain Confidence
So, if you want to travel as a single woman but feel unsure about it, start small. My adult children live in great cities around the country, so if I am visiting them for a weekend, I usually add a day or two on the beginning or end of the trip to scout out shops, restaurants and culture (OK, no culture). That is the perfect way to to make arrangements for travel with the safety net being your children or other family members.
I have also found that registering for an event or conference that sounds interesting to you is a great way to travel alone. You meet people there to maybe have dinner with or at least sit next to for the day. I am a knitter, so once a year I go to Vogue Knitting Live in New York. I take classes during the day for a couple of days, see a play, try a new restaurant and do a little shopping on the extra day that I add in.
All these baby steps will give you the confidence to do more. And, confidence is sexy.
Some Trips are Better Than Others
So, those are easy, right? Not all travel is that easy alone. I had to spend about a week in Florida by myself last year and you might think that would be heavenly. It was not. I sat by myself on the beach all day watching lots of families having a great time. I rode a bike during the day by myself. I then would force myself to go to one of the local restaurants and get something to eat at the bar, hoping to have someone to talk to during dinner. I did not. Then I would go back to my sad little room and do the same thing the next day. The lesson learned? I don’t need solitude. I am single and I have solitude out the wazoo! I need a little interaction. Now, if I want to take a trip somewhere and don’t have a companion or plan, I look for classes in the area. Cooking classes are number one on my list because you interact with the natives. They can give you ideas as to what to do and what to see in the area. It can be anything, just use it as a way to talk and interact with locals. You have to give yourself a little push now and then when you are on your own but it is worth it.
So, now my story about confidence and learning about myself through travel. Yesterday I decided to go horseback riding, which is something I do not do. I wanted to expand my horizons, and I did. I learned that I will have much more confidence if I ever do that again because I will wear a Depends!
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Don’t confuse loneliness with sadness: that’s a tall order, right? But, I have realized lately that there are times when I am doing just that, confusing loneliness with sadness. For me, the lines are blurred, but trying to figure out which one I am feeling helps me come up with the right distraction to get through it.
Was I Feeling Loneliness or Sadness?
I realized that what I was feeling was sadness rather than loneliness over the holidays. I was a little blue the closer I got to the actual festivities. The kids were coming in and I had so much to look forward to but there was an underlying feeling that I couldn’t pinpoint. I was busy, busy, busy and almost never alone, but felt lonely.
It wasn’t loneliness at all. It was sadness. Sadness for what the holidays look like versus what I wish they were: happy, whole family celebrations. Decorating, cooking, wrapping for everyone under one roof with parties and church and a big bow to wrap it all up. I miss it, mess and all: laundry everywhere, waking up when everyone comes in late, hearing about the night before. Now, the reality is the back and forth that comes with a split family. I always feel like I am missing something. I am not present when my children are having part of their Christmas. Hate it. Hate, hate, hate it. And, that is not loneliness at all. It is pure sadness.
Three Things to Try
So how can one help herself through a little sadness? These are on my checklist now for when I am feeling sadness and one or all of them may work for you:
- Know what you are feeling. If I know what I am sad about, I can work on how to “treat” it. For me, it means asking myself what I haven’t had time for in teh past, like maybe watching a moving and knitting, or reading. When I was married and had an intact family, that was often not on the agenda Not the same but I have to spin it for myself sometimes.
- I give myself a gift. I know that sounds crazy, but when one lives alone, there are, most likely, fewer gifts at birthdays, Valentine’s Day and Christmas. So this year I gave myself a bottle of perfume that I love. Not a big deal, I know, but it is not something I can pick up at Costco so it feels like a treat.
- Finally, I have a conversation with myself. I know, I know, that sounds so lame, but I do it. It sounds like this, “OK Girlie, this is how it is going to be for the rest of your life. How can you handle it from here on out?” Otherwise, I risk being the “have to make her happy” parent rather than the “ can’t wait to see her” parent with my children and their families.
None of this is perfect, I know. But we all have to work with the hand that we are dealt. The more I take charge of managing my feelings the more likely I am to win with that hand.
How do you deal with sadness? How do you deal with loneliness? I hope you will share your ideas.
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