self discovery Archives · Page 4 of 6 · Starting Over At Sixty

Jaime’s Life Changes Course

July 1, 2018

That arrest may have been the best thing that could have happened to Jaime. First, it got her out of an abusive, captive relationship, where she was already in a prison of sorts. Then, it lead her to Tapestry, a recovery program within the Ohio Reformatory for Women: it was a critical pivot point in her life. Jaime learned self-validation, rather than seeking validation from others. She learned that she had so much anger internally, anger aimed at herself, that had not been addressed over the years. The dissociative disorder that had been diagnosed when she was a young child was brought to the forefront. She was taught how to recognize the signs of those internal demons and how to stop the behavior before it takes over.

While in prison she also joined a program focused on human trafficking victims, where she learned how to trust someone prior to intimacy, a concept that would have been lost on the old Jaime. She took classes focused on domestic violence while there as well.

Jaime spent 3.5 years in prison before going to a halfway house. She then traveled to Columbus, Ohio to join the Harmony Project, and David Brown, the director. “I knew he wouldn’t let me down,” Jaime told me. “I knew I’d be OK with David Brown,” she said, and we both knew what she meant. The Harmony Project group took Jaime under their “wings.”

“Now, I work at The Old Spaghetti Warehouse full-time, and I go to Columbus State Community College full-time,” she told me with great pride. And she should be proud. Her youngest son is living with her, too. “It breaks my heart that I wasn’t there for them when they needed me,” she said of her relationship with her children. While her youngest lives with her, her daughter is more in and out of her life and her other son is in constant communication. And, that man who cared for Jaime’s son back when she was using and was not able to be the parent that she wished she could have been. “I have a lot of shame about that. I don’t talk about it a lot because I have to admit to myself the mess I made.” Well, she has spoken with him. He was someone who was so kind to her when she wasn’t being kind to herself.

“What do you want to do next,” I asked her. If she could do anything, and I believe she can after all of this, it would be to put in place a program in which a judge, or children’s services, could give a female offender one more chance, one more opportunity for change before she loses everything. “Prison ended up being my chance,” she said. But she went on to say that she feels that there could be a program that could be used at a judge’s discretion for a woman to have one more opportunity before losing her children and serving jail time. “It (prison) definitely worked for me. I just wish I had had the resources, the knowledge, sooner.”

Jaime has been back to the prison where she spent years of her life, talking to women about her story. Her mantra, “Just start.” She said she writes it on her hand sometimes when she gets nervous. “I tell them to take chances, be willing to learn and just start. Take the necessary steps and be willing to be reachable. Don’t let the fear take over, just start.”

Jaime was featured in a brief documentary about human trafficking here.

To learn more about Dissociative Identity Disorder click here.

Do You Ever Feel Invisible?

May 20, 2018

Do you ever feel invisible? Here’s a story: a friend had to hire a private detective and a woman who was 50+ was recommended. When she asked why this former police officer was a good detective, the answer was, “No one who walks into a bar notices a woman who is over 50.” Ouch!

Let’s face it, we all feel invisible from time to time but that statement has stuck with me for years. It was depressing to think about. How could I continue to feel good about myself when I felt unnoticed every time I walked into a room full of strangers. But here is what I find to be true: if you carry yourself as if you are invisible, you will be. And, if you don’t, you won’t.

Being worthy of notice isn’t about how young or how beautiful you are. Being noticed is as much in your head as it is about others around you. If you chose to dress like no one should look at you, they won’t. If you chose to carry yourself as if there isn’t anything special about you, there isn’t. For years I felt like I was nothing because I was with a man who made me feel that way and I let him. In the last year, however, I have really come back to my true self and I never feel invisible.

When I walk into a room I want to be noticed, not passed over. I want to look like a confident woman. I want people to see me coming in and say, “Here comes the fun!” And, now I think I do. I am and want t always be, relevant. When you exude liveliness others feel it and it rubs off on them. They have no choice but to notice you.

So, if you are not showing up to your life as a woman who deserves to be seen, who deserves to be noticed, and you want to change that, you know what to do. Make s change. Tell yourself how beautiful you are, how much fun it is to be with you and you will find that others begin to feel the same.

I dare someone not to notice me in a bar. Say it to yourself and soon you will believe it and others will too.

One Key to the Fountain of Youth: Continue Learning

May 13, 2018

I was not the best student when I was young. I think I just didn’t feel that I had time when there was so much other interesting stuff going on! Now, of course, I see things differently and I often wish that I had buckled down a little more in school. I did, however, like to work so that was kind of where I found myself, I was way more into a job than I had been as a student. Now that I am in my sixties I think I have found one key to the fountain of youth: learning. I love learning. Maybe it’s because I kind of missed it the first go ’round. I don’t know, but I am usually game for any class or tutorial. I just love it and I think that love of learning keeps me young.

Learning makes me feel like I am still an important part of this world. I’m not just a space holder, but really contributing to the world by continuing to better myself. It gives me confidence. After I have been studying or working on a project I always feel more tired, so I sleep better. I am happier. I feel a sense of accomplishment. I feel young.

Here are a few ideas:

Learn a New Skill

Recently I met a young woman who teaches a free, online, build your own website tutorial (Let me give her some credit: https://www.courses.wp-bff.com/ ). Since it was free I decided that I would try it, but expected to drop out after the first unit. Well, guess what, I did not drop out and I have built a website, kind of, but the point is that I don’t think I would have given it a thought when I was younger. I was busy with life: husband, kids, house. Now, I want to give it the time it needs because I think it will be of value to me and I think stretching my brain is important. I am proud of myself and I have enrolled in a couple of other web courses. I now have a little bit of confidence in that area.

Do you love music and want to learn to read music? Take lessons. Just open your mind and learn what you can. Take a cooking class. Take a gardening class. Listen to a lecture at your library.

Get Better at an Old Favorite

I like to knit. I’ve done it for quite some time but I usually knit very simple pieces because I don’t think of myself as an expert knitter. So, what is an expert knitter? Is there a club that I can’t join? Of course not. I can call myself an expert if I want to or I can learn to do more stitches and harder pieces and actually become one. And all that entails is finding a class and jumping in. I like to go to knitting shows and take a few classes. I learn so much and even if I never use it I think it makes a difference in my quality of life. Anything you like to do improves your life and becoming better at that thing improves it even more. Expanding on something you already know fills you with joy. What’s better than that?

Technology

You might not like this, but here it is: when I hear a person my age or older talk about technology then shrug their shoulders and hold up their hands, I feel sorry for them. I hear people all the time say they don’t understand it. Well, start to understand it. Learn a little about it. Because if you plan to live for a while it is not going to go away. It is going to progress with or without you and your life can be opened up to so many possibilities with just a little bit of tech knowledge. Seniors who are computer savvy study their portfolios, plan travel routes and skype with their grandchildren across the world. To not stay somewhat up to date with technology is to deny yourself the opportunity to learn. There is an app called Lynda that offers tutorials for all kinds of tech studies so you can learn at your own pace. You can take classes through your community outreach programs.

Go to School

In most states in the U.S. colleges offer classes to senior citizens for free. The admissions office can help you register. It is one of the most rewarding experiences to be in class with young people; to make friends with them. If you want that kind of interaction make sure not to take an online class. You are really out of your comfort zone when you take a class at a college or university. It stretches your mind and they learn that one can learn at any age.

Are You the Woman You Want to Be?

May 6, 2018

Think about this: are you the woman you want to be? Really, if you listed all the attributes that you would possess if you were exactly who you want to be, do you have them? That thought came to me during a conversation with a coach that I hired to help me move forward more intentionally. I thought I knew all the answers by now but I began to think about what pieces are missing, and how I can change that. As much as I write about embracing change, I am not doing that as fully as I thought I was, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you might be in the same boat.

I believe that for the first time I am totally aware that while I appear to be making everything work out great on the outside, I still have too many demons on the inside and they are holding me back from being the woman I want to be. So, you know what, it is time to change that and my hope is that you will join me. Take a look at these steps to getting closer to being the woman you want to be.

What is Missing in Your Life?

Honestly, if you had a perfect life, what would it look like? When you are daydreaming, and we all do, what is that dream? Where do you live? Who is with you? What does your average day look like? Are you the rockstar of your own life? Of course, you are, it’s your dream. Allow yourself to think about what your best life would look like. Not your win the lottery life but your best real life. What is missing from that life and do you really want it, or you just say you do? If you honestly do want to change your life, then how can you make it happen?

How Can You Get There?

To get to a new restaurant you need directions right? Well, if you need help moving forward toward your perfect life, do you know where to get that assistance? Tomorrow, what action will you take? Are you moving forward in the process, or are you just paying lip service to it? What professionals can help you make that dream a reality? Or friends? Or colleagues? Or family members?

Are You Sure It Is What You Want?

Be honest with yourself. Even though you say you would like to quit working, maybe the reason you haven’t is that it isn’t really what you want. If what you say and what you do are not the same, there is a fly in the ointment? Something isn’t quite right. Focusing your attention inward will eventually lead you to what you genuinely care about. When your daily activities are not aligning with where you want to go, something is off. Here’s an idea: write down what your perfect life would look like. Match it up to what your life is right now. Do they align? If the answer is yes, yay! If the answer is no, then maybe it isn’t what you want, or maybe you need to focus more on that piece of your life so you can actually get there.

When you align what you value with how you live your life, it doesn’t get any better. You are living your life as you intend. You are who you say you are and that is peace of mind.

Women Are The Great Re-Inventors

April 29, 2018

Women are the great re-inventors, it’s true. If there is one quality that sets women apart from men and is one of the keys to remaining happy over a lifetime, it is the ability to re-invent oneself. Certainly, I can name famous women, most of them having one name like Cher, Madonna, Gaga, who have all had several incarnations. Look at Joan Rivers, who started out in stand-up, ended up on a fashion television show and in between ran a jewelry empire. Or how about Martha Stewart who built an empire, was sentenced to prison time then emerged strong after serving that time. The point is that women seem to have the ability to pick themselves up after defeat, assess the damage and then pivot and start over in a new direction.

I have a theory that women are so good at re-invention because their lives biologically are set up that way. Through youth, then motherhood or the reproductive years, followed by menopause, it is biology at its most basic level. We go through so many changes internally that making necessary changes to our lives is already in our DNA.

Think about how many versions of you there have been. Speaking for myself, I was a single woman, then a wife, then a mother, then a single woman again and soon will be a grandmother: all very different stages in life with different expectations. While men’s roles are very clearly defined over the course of their lives, women change roles almost daily. So, is it any wonder that women seem to be more able to handle, and better prepared to deal with, life when it throws them curve balls? Is it a surprise that women seem to thrive on change while men simply do not? No, it is not.

Looking back over my adult life, I was a single woman working in advertising when I met my future husband and no sooner did the minister say, “I now pronounce you husband and wife,” I was pregnant. I was having a difficult time finding childcare and wasn’t madly in love with my job, so I stayed at home with that baby and the one who followed. Now I was an at-home mother working as hard at being good in that role as I had at selling advertising time. When I look back at that young woman I wonder what made her feel like she had to be great at everything? It might be that my husband didn’t value my expertise at home as much as he valued my expertise earning a paycheck, but, that is how it was. I went back to work a couple of years later and was now a mother of two baby boys and a daughter on the way, working fulltime outside the home and full time inside the home. Not uncommon. Not complaining, just the truth. When my daughter came along I hung up my working outside the home shoes more permanently and dived into the world of at-home motherhood. Lots of trials along the way and a not so happy marriage lead me to where I am today (there is a lot of stuff in-between but this isn’t a book. Kids grew up and moved on, my marriage finally crumbled, etc.).

Here I am and now I get to start over: I have the chance to wipe the slate clean and really be purposeful with the direction I take. It is already happening in small doses: I live downtown in a one-room loft while my husband insisted on keeping the big house on a country club golf course (this appears to be a win for each of us, illustrating our differences). I love it!

So, back to Madonna and Cher: neither one of them was an actress until their respective singing careers lead them down that path, and the same can be said for Lady Gaga. And, how many hats did Joan Rivers wear over the course of her life? How many hats have you worn? Here is an exercise for you: write down the roles you have played over the course of your life. How many careers, responsibilities and supervisory positions have you been involved in along the way? Can you start over at sixty or beyond? Absolutely, without question. And, you can excel through those changes: you can make your life better.

Not all change is positive and not all change is fun, but change is inevitable, and if you don’t learn to roll with it you will not be able to age happily, that’s just the truth. We must adapt if we want to be happy in our sixties, seventies and beyond. Re-invent, re-prioritize and re-locate if you want to, and learn how much you still have to give to this world. And never stop moving forward.

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