relationships
I have written about dating sites for us long-in-the-tooth girls before, but I wanted to revisit that topic at the beginning of a new year and I added some abbreviations that you will want to keep in mind as you move forward in the dating world.
I have been married for the last million years, so when I found myself single and in my sixties, I realized that I would have to approach dating differently. As much as I have heard about online dating, it was completely foreign to me. I just dabbed my toe in the online dating pond and found that I had to be bilingual: I had to speak English and Dating Code (by the way, I’m sure that bilingual means something different online, but I couldn’t think of any other way to say it).
The first thing I noticed when I went to my first dating site was that men take very little time and put nearly no effort into the photos that they post. Do they just know that there are more women than men out there looking so they can come to the table, metaphorically speaking, with their belts unbuckled and their boxers showing? Really, have some self-respect, you guys! Here are a few things not to post:
1. Anything that is blurry. Why do men post out of focus photos? Can’t see? Just take another one. Unless you’re saving “film” or are trying to hide your identity because you are in the witness protection program, post a photograph that is in focus.
2. The picture that you took of yourself in your bathroom. Every single man with an online profile posts a photo of himself looking in the bathroom mirror. Men, this type of selfie never ends well. It just doesn’t. The focus is seldom clear, you are looking into the camera which is usually down around the belt and the flash shows up in the photo. While taking the photo you appear to be looking at your package. Because of the degree of difficulty with this complicated treatment, I have never seen one man smiling when he has posted a bathroom selfie.
3. I do not want to see a photo of your motorcycle. I know what a motorcycle looks like.
4. I do not want to see a photo of you in the seventies. It makes it clear that you peaked early.
5. If you are taking a selfie, reclining in your Barco-lounger tells me that most of your time is spent in that position in front of the TV. It may be true, but ease me into that.
6. And please, please, please do not post a photo of your abs. Leave something to our imaginations. We can see that you are in shape or not with your clothes on.
While the photos are completely self-explanatory, you either like what you see or you don’t, the acronyms used in the online dating world might need a little clarification. Most of us know that SWF means Single White Female, and BBW means Big Beautiful Woman, there are a few acronyms that have a different meaning to those of us over a certain age. Here’s some help:
D/D Free: This means drug and disease free. Important when you are young. However, only dating someone drug and disease free will narrow the pool considerably. There isn’t a man in my age group who isn’t on Lipitor, Coumadin, Pantoprazole, or Insulin. And disease free? Just try to meet a man without diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, or COPD.
FWB: This may be the most important acronym of them all. It means Friends with Benefits. However, say the word benefits to anyone over sixty and you are talking money, not sex. I would marry a man who was a friend, in order to get his benefits (Not really. Just making a point!). Benefits are never more important than when you are in your later years, so don’t even mention benefits unless you are ready to ante up.
MBA: This means Married but Available. Translation, married but asshole! Say no more.
DTE: Down to Earth. Well, I hope you are down to earth! What kind of man is full of himself at 70? There isn’t much time before you are six feet under the earth so get with it.
W: According to an online dating slang dictionary, this has two meanings White or Widowed. I don’t care if you are white, and I don’t care if you are widowed, but I would like to know which one you are and this is a little too open-ended for me. White and Widowed are not interchangeable.
GSOH: Good Sense of Humor. It scares me a little when a man above sixty says that he has a good sense of humor. I feel like it might be a “pull my finger” kind of sense of humor. Just tell me you are funny or tell me you like funny people.
MM: It’s not the candy so who cares what it means.
Good luck with all of this. It’s not easy but it is never dull!
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Hand-off the holidays now! Because, I know that most of us remember the days when the holidays meant thousands of tasks that had to be completed by the December holiday, whatever holiday you celebrate. Cookies, parties, gifts; and that was just for the kids and school. Then family packages sent by the last date possible to make sure they arrived. Buying, wrapping and hiding what seemed like hundreds of gifts, only to forget where they were hidden when the time came to open them (please tell me I am not the only one). There were so many people in my life back then, so many more than I think I have in my life now. Having young children increased the number of people in my life by about 50 per child it seemed. I remember feeling like there were not enough hours in the day, then when I finished that day, there weren’t enough in the next day, until Christmas. I also remember singing in the church choir on Christmas Eve, getting home at about 1 a.m., filling the stockings and crashing. I would get up with the kids and do all of the opening on Christmas morning, then I fell asleep for about 3 hours. Just dead. Every Christmas. Crazy!
Enjoy Watching Others Do It All!
So, as I think about all that uproar, and I am over sixty and single, I think about how much I really get to enjoy every minute of the month ahead. Sure, there is plenty of gift giving and plenty of parties, but the pressure is off. I am not the head elf anymore and I gladly give up that title and hand-off the holidays. I watch it all unfold in front of me and I love being a spectator. I have passed the baton and get to watch my adult children take over. It’s heartwarming for me when they ask what church service we are going to attend (since they don’t have to go anymore) and to know that some things “stuck” with them.
And, I get excited to see what they have for me, not because I care what the gift is, but because it gives me a glimpse of who my children see me as, who they think I am and what they think I will like. A window into our relationship.
So, enjoy every minute of not being the top dog this holiday season. Enjoy the fact that you did it for all those years and now have successfully handed the reigns off to children or nieces and nephews or grandchildren. And, just watch all the seeds you planted for years grow before your eyes. Now, that, to me, is what the season is all about.
Read MoreI am an only child, so I have always been used to being alone. And, I love being alone. In my single years, I rented apartments that I could afford on my own, I didn’t have roommates. I was super social and always out so when I came home it was all mine. I was never lonely. I loved reading and watching TV and knitting and was totally happy alone in my apartment. Then I got married.
It took a while for me to get used to living with another person, although he was my husband. And, he was a mess. I am not a neat freak but this was a whole new level. But, when we bought our first house our new normal set in and I got used to living with another person. We had enough room to get away from each other when we needed to and life settled in. Then came baby number one, and baby number two and baby number three. I didn’t have time to be alone or lonely. I just kept moving forward.
However, as the kids starting to grow and go to school and participate in after-school activities I noticed that I didn’t just have time alone, which I loved, I was lonely. I had plenty to do and I worked outside the home off and on during that time but I was so lonely. I tried to explain it to my husband but failed to make a connection there. He really didn’t care how I was feeling as long as it didn’t interfere with his life and livelihood. Over the next couple of decades, I felt lonely most of the time in my marriage. I loved the kids and our family and friends, but I was lonely. My husband knew it.
The Kids Grew Up
When the kids went off to college, I filled my days and evenings and weekends with lots of activities and work, but I was still lonely, and it wasn’t my imagination and it wasn’t the blues or hormonal changes, it was real loneliness. The writing was on the wall but I ignored it in order to keep the family together for as long a possible. I was the only one in the marriage.
I moved out and was living alone again for the first time in 30 years. I vacillated between the highest highs and the lowest lows on a daily basis. Now I wasn’t just lonely, I was alone, too. And there were plenty of nights when I thought being in a bad marriage was better than being in no marriage at all. I was wrong. It took me a year to get to this point, but I am no longer lonely, I’m just alone and I love it.
I am back to reading and knitting and watching TV when I am not out with friends, and I am out with friends a lot. I have to work at it. I am often the one making plans and inviting friends to join me and sometimes they can. If not, I go alone. I’m a big girl, I can do that.
Time Alone
There are still times when I am feeling lonely, mostly when I have a weekend with nothing to do. I feel like everyone goes home to their loved ones and I just go home. And, I know that I haven’t seen the last of the loneliness monster. But, I find that I enjoy my time alone again. I feel a little bit like I used to when I was young: my place is my own little sanctuary.
Here is what I know…
- I know the difference between loneliness and being alone. They are very different and they feel very different. One brings sadness and the other feels more like contentment.
- Being alone is a temporary condition of geography: I’m just somewhere where there aren’t any other people at the moment. Being lonely is internal and isn’t a function of locale.
- Both are beneficial. I know I’m not happy when I am lonely and I have to find a way to change my circumstances. When I am alone, I have time to reflect, time to plan and time to grow. It is when I dream, make lists and plan travel. I am happy when I’m alone.
- If it is painful, it’s loneliness…if it’s just quiet, it’s alone time.
- I can go to the movie when I am alone and eat as much popcorn and M&Ms as I want and laugh as loud as I want. If I am lonely…well…who am I kidding, popcorn and M&Ms make that better, too.
I don’t know about you, but I have gained and lost friends over the years: some by my choice and sometimes it’s been their decision. While I have wonderful, long-term friends, not all friendships stand the test of time, in my book. That’s not always a bad thing…it’s just a fact of life and longevity: sometimes things change. I have certain essential qualities in friends that I look for.
Different Friend Groups
I do have my lifelong friends, and they are worth their weight in gold. They are the ones who are my home, who see me a little bit as I was when I was a kid, a little bit as I was when I was a young adult, and they see me as I am now. They remember my parents, the house I grew up in and my first car. And I remember those things about them. Those are the friends who can even come in and out of my life and we just pick up where we left off.
Longtime family friends are the ones who know me as a wife and mother. They don’t really know me as a single person, they know me as part of a couple.
And, I’ve made some new friends since I have been single, which was necessary. I had to. Until now, my world has been with married people, other couples. I needed some friends who I can call on Tuesday night to get a bite to eat. I have been working hard on that group of friends and I am lucky enough to have those people in my life.
Sadly, I have had friends who have dropped me and friends who I have dropped. Even long-term friends. I can honestly say about myself that if I don’t feel like I can trust a friend to have my back in tough situations, I’m out. Not mad, just out. It might not be my best quality, but it is true. Maybe it’s because I lived with a man who couldn’t be trusted, so I couldn’t tolerate that from anyone else who was close.
So, I have come up with a list of attributes that are deal breakers for me when it comes to bringing someone into my life as a friend or more. Without these, it will not be happening. These are not for people who are acquaintances, these are for those close to me. If you like it, use it in your daily life.
My TICT List
- Transparent: Transparency is maybe the most important attribute for me, and I have my husband to thank for that. I thought I knew him, but who I knew was what he wanted me to know. That was throughout our marriage. And, it wasn’t just the bad stuff: it was anything that he thought I might find questionable was left out of the narrative of his daily life and his life before Paula. So, that is number one On my list. I really didn’t even know that it was a thing…it is a thing.
- Integrity: That’s the core. And, not just the the illusion of integrity but the real deal.
- Communication: It killed my marriage and I am sure it has killed millions of others. The lack of communication is a death sentence for any relationship. I have one son who, I am sure, wishes to never again get the communications lecture from his mother. Without it there is just no way to manage the bumps of life.
- Trustworthiness: It took me a long time to really get a good understanding of trustworthiness. It’s not about telling and keeping secrets. It is about honesty between people. Not “Do I look fat in this dress” honesty (but the answer is always no). But the kind of honesty that lets you know that you are getting the whole story. Not a sugar coated version. That is a trustworthy relationship. Give me the truth.
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Since I am starting over at sixty, I get a do-over…a second chance, late in the game, at life. I don’t take that for granted. It wasn’t the way I thought my life would go, but here I am. So, I am taking control of what I want my life to look like, how I want my days and weeks and months to look for the next 30 years (or more), I hope.
Where to Start: Know Your Step One
In planning what my life will look like I am picking a starting point and working out from there. For me, the starting point is my kids. Not one of them lives in our hometown any longer. Maybe one day, but for now, they are spread out across the country. So, it is critical that I be able to travel to visit them or travel with them often. That is a must, that is my tent pole. So, whatever I am doing, I want to be able to pick up and go. I want to be mobile. A couple of things might make it a little tough, like this guy, my dog Red, but he is my bestie so we are in it together
Be Patient and Work Your Plan
I am not complaining about my age…I love where I am and who I am. But, I do know that time isn’t infinite (something that wasn’t on my radar when I was young). In the past, I have had a tendency to jump in head first. Now, I don’t want to waste any time, so I am more pensive about where I am going and what I am doing.
My children aren’t all settled yet. So I am using this time to get ready for the next phase of life. I am not sure what it is, but I feel a real peace knowing that it will present itself to me at the right time. It sounds kind of out-there, I know, but I really do feel it. I am moving in the right direction.
Visualize What Success Will Look Like
When I use the word success, I don’t mean it in monetary terms. It doesn’t have to be a big house or a lot of money. I mean, what will a day in my life look like if I get what I want? When I got married, I had a vision of what life would look like. When I had children I had an idea of what my life would look like. This is no different. What will success be if I get what I want? As a mom. As a grandma (someday). As a partner (maybe). As a volunteer in the community. As a friend.
I get a smile on my face when I think about it, so I must be on the right path.
Take Action
Now, work your way there. If you want to learn something new, learn it. If you want to look different, work on it. If you want more money, work toward it.
Honestly, I don’t know if any of my plans will unfold, but it’s in the process that I find happiness.
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