relationships
I always look at which posts are more popular on Starting Over at Sixty than others so I can learn more about my readers and their interests. One topic that repeatedly gets the most hits is loneliness. Loneliness is at the top of the heap consistently. Even if I reprint a post about loneliness it is again, very popular. That tells me that many single women over 50, 60 and 70 deal with loneliness. It is so sad because we still have 30-50% of our lives left to live with passion while in the grips of loneliness. Well, guess what, we are not a subculture: we are not an “also-ran.” Americans live more than 60% of there lives single. But, I am often heartbroken by the loneliness that single women feel.
So, that’s what I have been focusing on: a program that helps single women live lives that are as full and meaningful as they can possibly be. We need to live with the same strength and drive to have a happy life as we did when we were younger, no matter what our end game is. I am offering a free 8-week program that I am calling Starting Over at Sixty Sisters. It will include interactive webinars, actionable items to tackle and support and pep-talks along the way. Will it be inspirational? Yes. Will you be part of the conversation? Yes. And, will you feel like you are part of a powerful, vibrant community? Oh yes, you will!
I can’t wait to get started: just go to this link to sign up for the free 8-week course. You will hear more about it in the weeks to come. You have nothing to lose by joining and I know you are going to love the ride. These are the phrases that are rolling in my head every minute:
Never give up, never give in and go get ’em!
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If you are starting over and feeling lonely, just remember that you can make new friends at any age. If you think that sounds like work, it is. But, it’s necessary and worthwhile. One thing I realized when I was starting over was that as much as I loved my friends, most of them were married. I was married. We were all married together. And as much as I love them and they are still a huge part of my life, they had a life at home. I did not. We went out together (I am a lucky girl. Most of my friends seem to not mind having me tag along.) and then they went home together and had a family life. My life is not like that anymore.
It wasn’t very long until I figured out that I had to attack this loneliness head-on. Sitting at home crying myself to sleep had to stop. No one was going to find me in my apartment: that’s like sitting in a movie theater waiting to be discovered! So, I found some ways to get to know new people, people who were not part of my past. They know me as I am now. If you need help with loneliness try these tips.
Volunteer
Whether it is faith-based or through your community or is directed where you work, get yourself into some volunteer activity. Not only are you doing something good-hearted, which makes you feel better automatically, you make friends with the people on either side of you. You are working together. You already have something in common, you like to help others. If it is a recurring activity, you will naturally bond with your fellow volunteers and coffee or a glass of wine can’t be far behind. Everyone has a passion for something philanthropic, so get engaged in it and see what happens. You will reap such benefits: you will feel good about what you have accomplished, you will meet new friends, you will fill some time if you are feeling like you have too much isolated time in your new life, and you will let a few more people in the world know that you are single and looking for other opportunities to meet new friends. And, best of all, you spend some time not thinking about yourself, which is an unavoidable byproduct of the turmoil in your life. Bingo!
Take a Class
Want to learn something new? Then, learn it! For me, it’s knitting. I like to knit. I like to take knitting classes. When I take a class I am usually with women around my age so those are new friends. We talk while we knit, so we get to know each other. If we enjoy each other’s company we might get a cup of tea afterward. You may be thinking that you would like to meet some men as well. Take a class that offers you that opportunity. Any class, or training, allows you to improve yourself and make some new acquaintances, male or female, at the same time. You can even plan to take another class together, to keep the friendship going.
I love spending time with young people. And, taking a class at a local university or community college allows you to do that, again, while bettering yourself. I am a lifelong Spanish class taker: I have taken so many Spanish classes without seeming to learn a word of Spanish, but I keep trying and I have met some lovely young people in the process.
Become a Regular
OK, I’m sure that this will not sit well with some of you but just keep reading and I think you will stop judging me! When I left my big fancy home and moved to a one-room loft space downtown I had some bleak evenings. I could walk into my place at 5:00 and not talk to another soul until the next day. Once I walked Red, my cute dog, we were done for the night. Horrible. So, I walked myself down to one of the restaurants on my block and sat down at the bar. I introduced my self to the bartender, Tony, who was the Thursday night bartender. I told him I was new to the neighborhood and that was all I had to do. He introduced me to a couple of guys who were super connected around my area and they helped me know about the neighborhood organization that meets monthly. I ran into a couple who I had known in my previous life and they invited me to a party. Needless to say, I went to that restaurant every Thursday night and still do. I did the same thing at another place near me and had the same results. And, it can be a neighborhood coffee shop: it doesn’t have to be a bar. Just a place where you can walk in and introduce yourself and let people know that you are there and want to be social. Is it hard to walk into a bar and sit down by yourself? Absolutely. But without having done that, I would still be sitting in my apartment watching Wheel with Red.
Meetups
If you don’t know about meetups, here you go https://www.meetup.com. There is a meetup in every city around the world about any topic that you can imagine. They are held at restaurants and coffee shops and are groups of people who have similar interests. It is exactly what it sounds like, you meet up and discuss the topic of choice. So, there is a knitting meetup. There is a Spanish meetup that I want to attend but am too afraid since I have learned virtually no Spanish! There is a running meetup. There is a social media meetup. There is a French meetup. There is a wine enthusiast’s meetup. There is a parenting meetup. You name it, there is a meetup for it.
Please don’t think that I am being flip about loneliness. I did all of these things and I was still lonely after my marriage broke up. Years lonely. Still sometimes lonely. But, you must be proactive and you must do the work that it takes to get yourself back on your feet. Try just one of these tips and you will be amazed at how you will feel. And, if you have some tried and true methods of beating loneliness, please let me know in the comments. If you know someone who might benefit from these tips, please share with her.
Read MoreI know you have all heard the saying that holding on to anger is like trying to kill your husband by drinking poison yourself; well it is something like that. Last week I received a phone call from a woman who just began to spew anger, not at me, but on me. I was having a perfectly great day and in 20 minutes I was a puddle on the floor. I was a wreck. It was as if I had stepped into quicksand. My mind was transported back to the terrible years I spent living with heartache and anger before I left my marriage. I actually began to sweat, physically sweat, while she was talking to me. I understood her pain, but I didn’t want to be part of that world any longer, and just hearing about it made me so sad. I thought to myself, “how did this just happen? How did I go from happy and looking forward to the weekend, to a red-faced woman with tears and snot running down my face?” I know you can’t make yourself let go of past issues, that happens in its own time. But, you can give yourself some guidelines, or rules, to follow that will help you have more good days than bad. When you are armed with your own “blueprint” of who and what you want in your life you are released from so much of the bad.
My Blueprint
My rules, the ones that I try to live by, are pretty simple. I have learned that if I am dreading seeing someone, whatever the reason, it’s time to give that relationship another look. It may not be a friendship that is worth keeping. Of course, if it’s a relative, there is no getting out of it, good luck with that. But you can move friends who constantly bring you down to a lower “importance” tier on your imaginary chart. If you feel guilty about that, don’t. It puts you in a bad mood and why would you let someone do that to you? You are doing it to yourself!
A more serious matter is betrayal. If I feel that someone has betrayed me, and there are lots of levels of betrayal, I’m most likely out. Once that trust is broken I am probably never going to get it back. I’m just not. Whether it is a friend, spouse or co-worker, we are done. Remember, these are the rules that I follow, and they don’t have to be your rules. One thing about being older is that I know myself and what works for me. I thought I could bring my marriage back from the dead once, but looking back, there was no way. I was sleeping with the enemy, literally. I wasted fifteen years trying to figure out how to like my husband when the answer was right in front of me: I was never going to like him again. Sadly, betrayal won that battle.
That is my blueprint, but it doesn’t have to be yours. You may be a person who is able to work through betrayal and that is great for you. Or you don’t want to sever a relationship that isn’t working, whatever the reason. That’s OK.
Forgive and Move Forward
No matter what rules you live by in the friendship/relationship piece of your life, start to notice how you feel when you are with certain people. Are you excited? That’s perfect. Are you clenching your teeth? You might want to re-think that one. And, what about forgive and forget? Forgiveness is a wonderful quality and one we should all practice. But, forgetting is a mistake in my book. One thing we old girls have is experience, and to forget what we have experienced would be to erase our past. I say, forgive and move forward. You should take what you know and put it in your back pocket for the journey ahead.
Grow Younger
Are you still wondering where the grow younger part is? Well, people tell me all the time now how great I look, and I know they aren’t talking about my body! They are talking about my face: I knocked ten years off my face by leaving a bad situation. I can even see it in the mirror, so I know they aren’t blowing smoke up my bottom. Letting go of the muck that I was living in has actually made me look younger, something all the botox and fillers in the world couldn’t do. I promise if you let go of some of the things that are on a reel in your mind running over and over you will look, and feel, younger, too. Take a look at the photo of me above and the photos on the site that were taken more recently. Wow!
Read MoreI think it goes without saying that the breakup of a family is always tragic. And the people who are hurt the most, the children, are the hardest hit, no matter their age. If you ask any child of divorced parents how it feels, he or she will most likely have nothing but sadness, even when things have worked out OK, whether that child five years old or fifty. I fail to remember, however, how much they already know, whether instinctively or first hand, about the issues in the marriage and the divorce. What I thought I was protecting my children from, well, I was kidding myself (go figure). It made me yearn for the days when they were young and I told my little Ryan that his guinea pig died of a heart attack (do you think there is such a thing?). While that made him sad, he didn’t have to know that the dog came down the stairs with the dead pet in his mouth! The problems that he has to deal with as the adult child of a broken family are too, too, too painful, even at his age, and I have tried to shelter my children from as much as I can. But I was made aware this weekend of what a poor job of sheltering I have actually been doing. I am telling you this: never underestimate your children. They know who you are.
I was reminded of that fact when in conversation with one of my sons about a difficult topic. I don’t discuss much about my relationship with their father but I needed to let my children know how I was feeling and a very wise friend told me that he thought I should open up the channels of communication, so I did. They were nothing but kind. They were nothing but smart. They were aware of issues that I thought I had kept well hidden, and had not. They were supportive and caring and loving and all of the things that we all want our children to be. I was blown away and I don’t know why: that is how they were raised.
So, if you are starting over, or started over twenty years ago, it doesn’t matter. Do not underestimate your children. They know who you are. As one of my sons said to me once, ” you raised us.” He was right, I did. And, you did. You raised your children to be the fine humans that they are now, so communicate with them. They will help you find the answers you need when you are struggling with something. After all, as I always say, “the nut doesn’t fall far from the tree.” ( I know the word is apple but in my case, nut is a little more accurate.)
Read MoreDon’t confuse loneliness with sadness: that’s a tall order, right? But, I have realized lately that there are times when I am doing just that, confusing loneliness with sadness. For me, the lines are blurred, but trying to figure out which one I am feeling helps me come up with the right distraction to get through it.
Was I Feeling Loneliness or Sadness?
I realized that what I was feeling was sadness rather than loneliness over the holidays. I was a little blue the closer I got to the actual festivities. The kids were coming in and I had so much to look forward to but there was an underlying feeling that I couldn’t pinpoint. I was busy, busy, busy and almost never alone, but felt lonely.
It wasn’t loneliness at all. It was sadness. Sadness for what the holidays look like versus what I wish they were: happy, whole family celebrations. Decorating, cooking, wrapping for everyone under one roof with parties and church and a big bow to wrap it all up. I miss it, mess and all: laundry everywhere, waking up when everyone comes in late, hearing about the night before. Now, the reality is the back and forth that comes with a split family. I always feel like I am missing something. I am not present when my children are having part of their Christmas. Hate it. Hate, hate, hate it. And, that is not loneliness at all. It is pure sadness.
Three Things to Try
So how can one help herself through a little sadness? These are on my checklist now for when I am feeling sadness and one or all of them may work for you:
- Know what you are feeling. If I know what I am sad about, I can work on how to “treat” it. For me, it means asking myself what I haven’t had time for in teh past, like maybe watching a moving and knitting, or reading. When I was married and had an intact family, that was often not on the agenda Not the same but I have to spin it for myself sometimes.
- I give myself a gift. I know that sounds crazy, but when one lives alone, there are, most likely, fewer gifts at birthdays, Valentine’s Day and Christmas. So this year I gave myself a bottle of perfume that I love. Not a big deal, I know, but it is not something I can pick up at Costco so it feels like a treat.
- Finally, I have a conversation with myself. I know, I know, that sounds so lame, but I do it. It sounds like this, “OK Girlie, this is how it is going to be for the rest of your life. How can you handle it from here on out?” Otherwise, I risk being the “have to make her happy” parent rather than the “ can’t wait to see her” parent with my children and their families.
None of this is perfect, I know. But we all have to work with the hand that we are dealt. The more I take charge of managing my feelings the more likely I am to win with that hand.
How do you deal with sadness? How do you deal with loneliness? I hope you will share your ideas.
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