If you have ever had a baby, I’m sure you had the thought, “Why didn’t anyone tell me what it would be like?” It felt like there were all these secrets that no one ever passed down, maybe because they were too gross and telling the truth about childbirth wasn’t going to make it hurt less, right?
Fast forward to today, a time when I can’t even remember what childbirth was like and don’t feel the need to refresh my memory. Now, I have all kinds of new secrets for those young women who still have so much of their lives ahead. I’m sure they don’t want to know these!
- Age Spots Everywhere: I was sitting at the pool, in the shade mind you, with my daughter-in-law one day and looked at her legs, then looked at my legs, then back at hers, etc. They were gorgeous! I thought to myself, “I wonder if she thinks all of those spots on my legs have always been there? Actually, I would like to know what any of my kids think I looked like thirty years ago. And, it’s not just the spots, it’s the whole looseness of the skin and tissue beneath. Her legs were just, well, the only word I can think to use is admirable! I guess my legs looked like that at one time but I certainly don’t have any memory of it.
- Breast Elevation: This is not about just the sagging, loosely constructed breasts of a sixty-something-year-old, but about the actual line of demarcation. I bought a sports bra at Lululemon about a year ago, without trying it on: I was traveling and forgot my sports bra, and had a lot of sports to do (not really). When I got back to my room and put it on, it was, as best I can explain it, high. It just started to high. So I lifted my right breast with all my might and got it in place, then did the same to my left. That was an education for me. My sagging skin isn’t just the breasts themselves, but starts at the shoulders, thus making the actual bottom of the breast begin closer to the waist. So, this young person bra actually isn’t “deep” enough for these bad boys. Since I figured this out I force myself to wear the bra as often as possible as proof that mine aren’t lower, but by the time I get home I can wait to rip it off.
- Gray or Drooping, It’s Your Call: I am going to describe this as delicately as I can, but heed my warning, don’t try this at home. A few years back I decided to try a Brazilian Wax. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about, so I did it. To say it is painful is an understatement, so I don’t know why, but I continued to do it. The only problem was this: the waxing gave me a bird’s eye view of my vagina and it too had begun to sag. A saggy vagina! No one ever mentioned that. So, I guess it is still the same distance from the breast elevation as discussed previously, but you have got to be kidding me. We can’t catch a break! I thought maybe it would be better not to see it, but guess what, now the hair is gray. So I either have a saggy, naked vag or a gray hairy one, right? Oh no, it gets worse. I had a tummy tuck a few years back and now my naked vagina is, again, no other way to describe this, tall. I have a tall, naked vagina to go with my “below the equator” breasts and spotted legs. Lovely!
- Bye-Bye Chin: Young ladies, have fun allowing anyone to photograph your profile because that will end in just a few short years. Whether it’s your face or your body, it won’t be long before you will learn that from the tip of your chin to your collarbone is now a straight line. And, for me, from my breasts to my bottom is all kind of lined up as well. It’s kind of like the Mucinex Monster on commercials: it just all runs together. When I see a camera now, I stand tall facing it directly.
- Growths: Finally, let’s talk about growths: any kinds of growths that just pop up on your skin. There are skin tags (super pretty and super pretty sounding, as well). There are sunspots, and some of those have some real texture to them. There are those red blood-looking spots like my Grannie used to have. I have some that are combination sunspots and skin tags (I think I should get extra points for those). And, I have some spots that the Dermatologist freezes off once a year but then I just have “freezer burn.”
I hope you are reading this with the humor that is intended. If we didn’t laugh at ourselves we might cry! And, let’s allow the younger women to go on thinking it won’t happen to them. Why ruin their day?
OMG! you must be describing me! I never had a Brazilian Wax – but my hair has rearranged itself on my body nowadays. My vagina has grey-sparse hair, and my chin has sprouted grey whiskers that I have to shave almost every day! On the up side – I don’t have to shave under my arms anymore – nor my legs! I have hardly any hair left in those places. Sports bras are a challenge to get in and I found the best way is to step in them and then pull them up. Much better than wrestling them over your head and doing contortions to try and get it settled.
I hear ya sister! And, as my eyesight gets worse I feel like by the time I see the whiskers I could braid them! Oh well, it is certainly than the alternative and letting it get to you is no good either. You just gotta’ laugh!