Self Discovery
What can you do when you are stuck? When I think of being stuck I think of mud, right? That works as a good visual when you are stuck in a situation, in a location or in a particular period of your life. You are stuck and need to come up with a solution.
I remember my therapist talking to me a lot about being stuck. I was stuck and she kept trying to help me get unstuck. The issue was that I had an unfaithful husband, and I was stuck because I don’t like philandering husbands, mine or anyone else’s, so clearly that was going to be a struggle because to stay married I had to get unstuck and be able to be in love with a philanderer. I could not. Fifteen years later I figured out how to get unstuck: it had to do with removing a ring from my third finger on my left hand. That’s how I got unstuck.
Connie, who read an article here a couple of weeks ago, commented about her life as a widow in a smaller town and I would call what she described as stuck. She feels stuck in a location. As I thought about what she described, it was just another form of feeling trapped. She doesn’t have a lot of options to remake her life as a single woman in her seventies. What can she do? I don’t have the answer, but I do have some thoughts.
Here is what I can tell you about being stuck: until you take action to change it you will always have those feelings. It will not go away. It will not disappear. It will not “absorb” into the life you want like body lotion.
The only hope of becoming unstuck is to figure out a way to change your mindset or “trick” your brain. It isn’t easy. For me, I was never able to change my mindset about my husband: what was I going to do, love philanderers? Tell my husband, “Good job,” when I found hotel charges on his credit card statements? Nope.
Connie, or anyone, however, can take some steps that might make her feel a little less glued to the floor.
Learn Something New
If you can’t learn something new at home, go online. You would be amazed at how good you feel when you take on a new project. It can look like anything: learn a new skill, find some new recipes for one and prepare them, study some new hairstyles that will give you a lift, learn how to repair that big scratch on your dining room table. Or study accounting if that turns you on. Just learn something new. Not only do you get the benefit of your finished project, but you will be able to use the information in the future. And, there is something about learning online that makes you feel like you are part of a community, even though it is a virtual one. Communication is taking place, and that’s a good thing as long as it isn’t the only communication that comes your way.
Talk to Someone
Talk with a friend or get professional help and work through it with them.
Live with It
If the situation is not going to change and you still want to remain in it, figure out a way to do that.
If I am being honest, I just recently realized that I was stuck in the mindset that being married is better than being single. Me, the one who writes about getting out there and making a great life for yourself, was stuck into thinking that marriage was the only way I would be happy. Guess what, that could not be further from the truth. It took an outside influence to “show” it to me and when I saw that I was stuck, I made a huge change to my mindset, or at least I got started. I am not all there yet but I will be, no question.
Let me say that changing your mindset is not easy. It takes work. It is not a natural process: we all want to stick with what we know until we find it to be uncomfortable. But when you can realize that you are frozen in place, you are on your way to creating a better life for your self.
Read MoreI have a friend, a male friend, who has said to me more than once, ” You are one of the women I would take into the trenches with me.” It is his way of saying when the going gets tough the tough get going. I am proud of that. I find it flattering. So, I thought to myself, “Who would you take to the trenches? And I have to tell you that I look around at the people in my inner circle and I have surrounded myself with people who I would take into the trenches if necessary.
Think about the men and women in your life, the folks in your inner circle: would you take most of them into the trenches with you? If the answer is yes, then you are a lucky girl. Good for you! But, if you are assessing your relationships and don’t feel like more than 50% of your go-tos would walk over coals for you, metaphorically speaking, then it is time to take a good, hard look at your relationships and re-evaluate them. Who stays and who goes?
That may sound a little cold, but hear me out. there have been times in my life when I decided that one friend or group of friends was not serving me well. I couldn’t lean back and feel certain that I wouldn’t hit the ground. When I have felt that way in my life, I have made a change. And, while that change has been difficult, it ultimately has been the right decision. I hate to say it, but it is true.
As single women over fifty, many of us have had significant heartbreaks, at least one, in our lives. Couple that with the fact that we do not have a partner with whom we can navigate the rocky roads of aging, and friendships carry extra importance. So, if any relationships are not supporting you in the way that you need for them to support you, then there is no shame in re-evaluating.
Fill your life with people who you would take to the trenches and you will feel more settled, more confident and more at ease in every phase of your life. I promise you that. You deserve people around you who will dive in with you and who will help you come out on the other side alive. When you have that kind of inner circle, it will free you up to be that same kind of friend to others. Try it.
Read MoreI was at a conference this week with young women from across the country, women who all own their own businesses and are all rewriting the rules of business. Much of the content of the conference was focused on women’s health issues, women’s equality in the workplace and what the landscape will look like moving forward. As I listened to the speakers, I was reminded that I have a story, you have a story, we all have stories that we should be telling our sons and daughters. It is important for me to pass my story forward.
So that evening while I was having dinner with my daughter and we were talking about our day, I brought up the topics that had been discussed in the meetings. We started a frank conversation about politics and women’s health and women’s rights, you know, some very light dinner banter! It was probably one of the best discussions I have had with her for a long time. And, I shared with her something that had happened to me when I was in my twenties, something that she didn’t know, and I saw her expression change. For a moment we were just two women talking, not mom and daughter. It was beyond a pivitol moment for us in my mind.
Let me assure you, my daughter knows that I am far from perfect: that ship sailed years ago. And I didn’t tell her that I had ax murdered someone in the ‘70s. But I think for her to know that I had had things happen to me that she could have happen to her, and how I handled it, and that we have similar viewpoints on some of the most important issues of our times for women was important. She certainly doesn’t have to agree with me all the time (but how great is it when she does?), but she is a thinking, rational, intelligent woman. What more can I ask?
So, I plan to tell more of my story from here on out; to my daughter, my sons and anyone else who wants to hear it. They won’t be able to shut me up! Not because it is so fascinating, but because it is history no matter what you think of it. It is the history of my family and of women in my age group.
My mother died when I was in my twenties. We really didn’t get to talk much about what her life had been like when she was in high school, in college, when she met my dad, when she was a military wife. I wish we had had more time. And, I did talk with my grandmother often about what life was like for her because she and I were the only ones left and she didn’t die until she was nearly 100.
Help Women Around You
Do not let time go by. Talk with the young women in your life about the issues that matter; about women’s health, about childcare issues, about equal pay. Let them know what it was like in the olden days and by that I mean in the ‘50s, ‘60s, ‘70s. Let them know what it looked like before we had the freedoms that we enjoy now, and let them know they can be taken away. Telling your stories will strengthen the women around you.
Read MoreIt ‘s time for a new chapter at Starting Over at Sixty. Exactly three years ago I began living alone, having left my husband of more than 30 years. and while I know there are many of you who have been single a lot longer than three years, I can honestly say that I have felt a sense of urgency about starting my life over because I have much less time to do so than my counterparts who have been single for decades. I had to learn the ropes on the fly and get going to create the life I deserved to live all along. I moved into a one-room loft and started over. Fast forward three years and I moved to a much larger place. I can spread out a little and live in a little less cramped environment. I love it!
And on this three year anniversary of my life reboot, I have been thinking about how my life has changed and what I have learned through the experience and I could write a book, as I know you all could, and here are the cliff notes:
I Can Do Anything
When I became painfully aware that this marriage was finally over, I just kept saying to myself and my husband, “I can’t do it. I can’t do it.” I was thinking that I can’t do this to the kids, but I now know that I didn’t think I could actually do it myself: live as a single woman. I was a married mother of three and that was everything that I was. I was wrong: I am a woman who has three children and a really great life now. It took time. Lots of time. But I learned that the only person who was allowing that marriage to define me was me. No more.
I Can Be Anything
OK, I can’t be a supermodel, or a famous singer or an acrobat, but none of that is because my marriage failed. It is because those are not things I was ever going to be (I think singer still has a chance!). Honestly, I feel motivated, and strong, and smart, and courageous; more so than I ever did when I was married. Because my husband didn’t seem to value the things that I was good at doing, I stopped valuing those things, too. Now, I am back to living a life that is more in line with who I am. I don’t have to keep trying to be someone I am not.
I Am All Cried Out
I know that sounds ridiculous but it’s true, almost. When I moved into my little loft, I was beyond broken. My hair was falling out. I woke up shaking. And I cried. I cried and cried and cried and cried. So as I was walking out the door for the final time on moving day, I turned around and gave myself a minute to take it all in. I gave myself a few minutes to cry and guess what: I didn’t cry. I could look at that empty place and think, “I made it.” I was all cried out.
It is So Far From Over
My biggest lesson over the last three years is that my life is so far from over. Really, I have just begun to get my groove back. Let me say this: it sure isn’t all sunshine. And I can be walking down the street feeling like a million bucks and some ugliness comes my way and my brain goes to the darkness that I was living in for so long. Then I pull up my britches (as my friend Don likes to say) and get back to the business of Operation Be-the-Best-Paula-You-Can-Be! So, I hope you will notice more upbeat content here at Starting Over at Sixty and less “my life is over.” If you are feeling like your life is over, it is not and I know you will find comfort here.
A New Chapter at Starting Over at Sixty
Starting Over at Sixty Sisters is a free 8-week interactive course for single women 50 and over who want to continually improve their lives through community and guided “best practices.” I can’t wait to meet you there.
To join the group go to:
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1ZYEXS9ICDsu5KDOo9PzAuQ_97meeXmAL3Ntp88ttpmU/edit?usp=drive_open&ths=true
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I was in my doctor’s office waiting room last week and picked up O Magazine to flip through. The issue was all about happiness and Oprah talked about the places where she feels happy: in the yard playing with her dogs, with the girls from her school, traveling with best friends. I started thinking about what pictures in my mind make me feel happy. I surprised myself when the first thing that came to mind was an old memory: I thought of my marital home, in the summer, on a Friday morning. I could hear the sprinklers on the golf course behind us and I could see that the green grass that rolls on forever on the course. The pool in the backyard was shiny in the sun and I had beautiful planters around the pool with lots of purple flowers and greenery. I always liked Friday morning because I was looking forward to the weekend. Maybe the kids were coming home, maybe not. Most likely my husband would be playing golf on Friday afternoon and we would have plans to meet up afterward. That was my happy place, full of anticipation for the weekend and hanging out at the pool with family and friends. That was everything to me.
Oh no! The first thing that came to mind was a picture of a family that no longer exists? A picture of a family that never was? That is not allowed! So I set my mind to thinking about where and what makes me happiest where I am now and guess what, my happiness is still focused on my family. What is surprising to me, however, is that I have not replaced the old mental picture with a new one. All my happy places in my brain are still stuck in a life that I no longer live and honestly, that never was, and that just makes me mad at myself! I thought I was killing this single thing and to think that the only memories that come to mind when I want to think of happy scenes in my life are ones in which I am married. That ends today!
So I have to make a conscious change at once! It can be very easy to look at the past and see it in rose-colored glasses. But it wasn’t rosy. That’s why it isn’t my current life. Now that I know that my subconscious mind romanticizes my married life, I am going to smash those thoughts right out. I’m not sure how, but it will happen. I have to replace those memories but I am not sure I have any replacements right now as go-to happy place memories. So I have to look to the future.
Replacing those memories are new thoughts of what my life will look like in the next year or two or three. So many great opportunities are coming my way and I think making room for them by clearing out the dead weight of my marriage memories is a great way to start. The happiness on the horizon now that I am out of a bad marriage is limitless.
What is the moral of this story? It might be time to clear out some old, romanticized memories to make room for new, exciting ones that are coming your way, or already have. You still have plenty of time to create what one day will be your happy places. If you are romanticizing your former life, stop it! Look at where you are going and imagine how happy you will be. So happy that what lies ahead makes your former life look like chopped liver. You may not be able to see it clearly right now but just getting started on creating a new vision for your life will take over your thinking and help you make new memories.
Thank you, Oprah! You’ve done it again.
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