Self Discovery
I went to a very inspirational meeting last week in New York where I was blown away by the accomplished speakers, all women in my age group. The audience was all women around my age as well. One of the speakers was an ageism expert and her talk was forceful and aggressive and highly motivating. However, quite a bit of her time was spent speaking about why women color their hair and have plastic surgery to look younger: her point was that we were buying into the youth culture ourselves, or at least that’s what I took away from her speech. She had a note of heightened anger in her voice and I thought to myself, “No more shaming! Take a look around the room.”
The sold-out crowd was full of the most beautiful women I had ever seen, and by beautiful, I mean it in the most inclusive sense of the word. They were black and white, tall and short, fat and thin, American and women from other countries. There were women wearing conservative suits and women in Birkenstocks. I saw women with every style and color of hair you can imagine. Every style of glasses, handbag, hat, and scarf was represented. Hair was curly and straight and blonde, black, gray, and red. I loved every minute of my people watching, so much so that I just found a seat and sat down without introducing myself to anyone or joining in any conversations. It was fascinating to me.
And as I thought about whether or not I was buying into the youth culture, as my speaker made me feel a little ashamed, I thought to myself, “Isn’t doing what I want to do, looking the way I want to look, about as independent and mature thinking as it gets? Shouldn’t I be allowed to do whatever I want to do with my body and hair? Is that not the point? I color my hair because I like the color of my hair. I like my boobs closer to my chin than my knees and that’s why I had them lifted, more than once. If that makes me happy and gave me more confidence, then what is the issue? Being able to do exactly what we want with our own bodies is what our freedom is all about, right?
Shaming women who want to color their hair or have plastic surgery is no better than holding negative opinions about women who do not. Ageism isn’t about the color of hair: ageism is about discrimination based on age. What I was seeing in that room was the power and vitality of women over 50. I was “studying” a room full of smart, diverse, intelligent women from all walks of life who are more than their looks, but who have earned the right to look just the way they want. So stop the shaming. Embrace the differences that make us all unique, even if they come in a bottle!
Honestly, in my opinion, it is such a waste of time to talk about a woman’s looks when there is so much more to each and every one of us.
Read MoreI am not very political. I try to be informed, but I can’t say I’m even that all the time. I have strong opinions about many subjects, but until a couple of years ago, I vacillated on many issues that face our world. I am no longer that woman. You may have similar feelings. But I do know this for sure: unless we women tell our stories to those young women around us, we will have missed an opportunity. We can only help to make the world a better place for our daughters and grand-daughters if we let them know what it was like to be a woman in the 50s, 60s, 70s, and beyond. And, the only way to do that is to talk, to tell them about our lives. You must pass down your wisdom to the women around you.
We have all had them: we all have had experiences in which we were treated unfairly. We all have had experiences in which we were not paid as much as the men we were working with side by side. Many of us know how it feels to have a man make an unwanted advance toward us and not have anyone to report it to. Sadly, these are universal experiences for many of us women and if we keep all of that to ourselves when we leave this world, then shame on us. Shame on us for not letting young women know what it was like then so they can change it now. Shame on us for not telling our stories so other women can find the passion to right those wrongs. Shame on us for keeping them in the dark and not allowing our stories to help effect change.
The young women in your life undoubtedly love and respect you. So why would you not let them into your life as a young woman many years ago and let them know that it was not always that great and not that fair and that you are maybe seeing some of the same monsters rearing their ugly heads today?
OK, that’s all of my “I Am Woman Hear Me Roar” rant. Pass down your stories!
How would you like to see things change for the women in your lives? Do you think that can happen?
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Over the past week and a half I have been traveling some for business and some for pleasure. And, I traveled solo. So I came up with the 5 best reasons to enjoy traveling alone, While that’s not something that has ever bothered me I know so many women who don’t like to travel solo. OK, I understand that dinner conversation isn’t great when there is no one across the table, and I attended a wedding this weekend where most of my dance partners were 11-year-olds. Other than that, let me give you some reasons to enjoy travel alone.
Shopping
I don’t think I need to say any more about this topic except that it is so great not to have to justify purchases. I felt no need to ask anyone if my bottom looked big in these pants. I bought four pairs of shoes, three of which I would have left behind had I not been solo, and I did not have to go to a golf store in fairness to anyone. It was all me, me, me.
My Time is My Own
If I want to sleep in, I can. If I want to stay up into the wee hours of the night to finish a book or binge watch a series, I can do that. I can’t do that when I am on someone else’s schedule. Or, I can schedule something super early, come back and nap if necessary, then head out again. I am on my time.
I Get All the Attention
My children live across the country. I visit them often and when I do I get 100% of their attention. I don’t have to share them with anyone. We do what they want to do and nothing else. If they want to see a movie or go to a play or shop for stuff for their house, we do it. I get one-on-one time while we run errands and pal around together. I can’t put a price on that. I just love being with them in their daily lives.
Not A Sport in Sight
No matter where I am, no matter what teams are in town, I do not have to go to a sporting event! If you are like me, you have had your share of sports with your children and your spouse or friends. I am as big a fan as the next girl, but I do not travel for sports any longer and I love that. I know you know what I am talking about. No rain gear unless I am going to a rainforest! While this may sound like my own pet-peeve, everyone has their thing that they have to do when vacationing with their crowd. When I am with my children we will often go for a run: you can bet when I am alone I don’t pack running shoes! And play tickets are easy to come by when the number is one.
Eating Alone
This is a big one for some women. Not everyone likes eating alone and I agree that day after day it can get a little rough. But I went to a brunch at a lovely resort where you must have a reservation well in advance for brunch. I walked up and asked if I could get a table and when I said table for one the hostess brightened up and said she could accommodate me. Both of us couldn’t believe it! Not only did I get a table, I got a table on the window that was a little tight for two. How lucky was I?
This brunch was the best, and I didn’t waste one inch of my plate on protein at this beautiful buffet: bread pudding, waffle, biscuits, bananas foster, strawberry shortcake. Would I do that with others watching? The answer is heck no (let me just say that I did not eat any else the rest of the day).
If I am having dinner by myself I always eat at the bar. Usually, I can get a conversation going with someone and it’s great when that person is a local so I can get some tips and suggestions on local attractions; dinner and a virtual tour!
I have several friends who would not think of traveling alone, but I think if they tried it just one time they would be hooked. And if you can pepper it with trips with people you love then you have the best of all worlds!
What was your favorite trip that you did solo? What tips would you give others who want to take the plunge?
Read MoreKnow what triggers your loneliness and you can be pro-active in reducing it. That’s right, I am convinced that we can all take some action to mitigate our own loneliness, not make it go away, but lessen its power.
First, recognize the difference between being alone and being lonely. I love spending time alone. I love to read, watch television, knit: I love all those things and love having time to do them. But, do I want to be doing them on Christmas Eve? No. That’s where the difference lies. The loneliness comes when we would be doing something else in that time period. For example, back when my children were young, if you had told me that I would have the opportunity to spend July 4th alone next to a pool sipping a drink with an umbrella in it, I would have said, “Sign me up!” That holiday was one that seemed to last forever: hot, sticky weather, cookouts, fireworks: it was endless. Fast forward, and I have plenty of time on that day. No one needs me on the Fourth. I am not complaining, but I realize that loneliness strikes when I feel like I am missing out. I am most lonely when I know that there is lots of fun being had elsewhere but not with this girl. It took me a long time to figure that out (not the brightest bulb in the pack). I don’t care one bit about football, but I feel lonely if I am watching the Super Bowl alone: I create a scenario in my mind where everyone I know is living it up, laughing and high-fiving all around. I feel lonely on Valentine’s Day, the day that has been set aside to make many of us miserable. (For the record, it wasn’t my favorite when I was married either).
I am aware that as a single woman in my sixties I am not going to totally rid myself of loneliness. But, I can pay attention and lessen the pain of loneliness. Here are some ideas:
Plan Ahead
When I had first left my marriage, I had a big anniversary coming up. I was not excited about the upcoming anniversary and knew the day would be a killer. So, I made plans to travel and a friend joined me for a couple of those days. We had planned an adventure on the anniversary and it worked so well that I almost forgot about it. I had been saved the torture of sitting in my tiny apartment and feeling sorry for myself. I owe that friend a debt of gratitude.
When my first Christmas as a single woman was around the corner, I was full of dread. How was I going to get through it? But, I did some planning. Since there were no small children in our family at the time, I opted to spend Christmas afternoon and evening with my children at my place. I didn’t think I could stand to have them leave me midway through the day. Again, my bestie helped me by planning to go to a morning movie. It was great. It was quiet and we saw a movie that would be sold out later in the day. I came home and got things ready and barely noticed what I had dreaded for weeks.
Volunteer
I understand that we don’t all have someone to partner up with on tough days, but, you can always find something to do. If there is no one to help you get through those rough times, volunteer. Nothing makes you feel better about yourself than serving others. Period. It will make the time fly by and when you get home you can pat yourself on the back for helping others. Bravo!
No No No
Do not plan to go to a spa alone. You will just think of everyone else having a blast without you. Do not plan to stay home and clean out under your kitchen sink. Gross! Do not plan on seeing a romantic comedy. I don’t think that needs clarification. And, do not decide that you are going to read War and Peace on that day because you are not. Do not go on Facebook to see how much fun the rest of the world is having.
The Moral of This Story
The moral of this story: we all deal with loneliness. But, we can each improve our outlooks by putting coping mechanisms into place for when we are feeling low. I want to end with this: I would love it if you would forward this post to a friend who you think might benefit from reading it, and, I have never felt as lonely as a single woman as I did in my marriage. There is no comparison.
Read MoreI have a question for you: do you take every opportunity that comes your way? I had the honor of having an in-depth conversation with a group of women who are incarcerated. The topic was freedom and I was floored when they unanimously told me that they attained true freedom when they came to prison: they were freed from the demons that had haunted them on the outside. They also let me know that there is no lack of opportunity within those walls: that there is no excuse not to grow personally inside the prison.
Those words have been rolling around in my head for several days: no lack of opportunity. Well, if there is no lack of opportunity inside prison walls, then there is certainly no lack of opportunity on the outside. Am I recognizing opportunity when it shows up and am I taking every opportunity that comes my way? Ask yourself the same question: are you taking every opportunity that comes your way at 50, 60 and beyond? I hope the answer is yes, but if it’s not, it’s time to make a change.
Lack of Growth is Aging
To me, one of the fastest ways to age prematurely is to stop learning, to stop expanding your knowledge and to stop being curious. When you have one-third of your life left to live why would you stop in your tracks? You most likely have more free time now than at any other time in your life, so do you really want to waste it? Whether you are furthering your education or learning how to knit, you are expanding that limitless brain, and that keeps you young, I am convinced.
Remember the women in the prison, who say they have no excuse not to grow within those walls. Do you really have any excuse not to grow on the outside? Are you closing yourself off from opportunity? This is a good time to self-assess and if the answer is yes, it’s time to make a change. As the women told me, there is no excuse for not growing and improving yourself, whether behind prison walls or not.
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