Inspiration
Repost from 3/8/2016
It has been clear to me for a long time that I am not the same girl I used to be. I changed along the way, and I didn’t know if I was coming back.
I always felt that I was kind of fun to be around. And, I certainly thought my husband would agree. But, from the start of our marriage, I was, apparently, mistaken. I felt like “the old ball and chain,” and I knew that wasn’t me. But I must have been…right? Why else would he treat me that way?
So I would try harder and harder and harder. And, by the time I realized that I had built a fortress around myself to protect me from the heartache, the old Paula was long gone. I knew what would fix it, but I couldn’t do it.
I used to have a saying, “for a better marriage, just lower your expectations.” It worked for me but is so sad.
I can say without hesitation, I was enough. Our family was enough. Our family should have been the focus, not a distraction.
I can breathe now. While I am so sad that my marriage didn’t make it, it makes me happy to know that my children will get to know the real Mom all over again. I think they will be surprised at the me that they didn’t know existed. The happy, light-hearted, fun person who had been buried under the weight of an unhappy marriage and all the sadness that came along with that. They will get to know Paula, not just Mom. Can’t wait for that to happen.
Do you ever feel mad at yourself for committing to something that you just don’t want to do? I know you know what I mean. You just don’t have time and no one will miss you if you aren’t there, but you committed and you aren’t that person who doesn’t follow up on her commitments. Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s OK to change your mind.
Recently I found myself feeling down and I came to a major realization about why. That is a much longer story, but one of the issues I was having was that I had committed to a few things that I just didn’t want to do. Nothing big, but they were preventing me from making plans for times that seemed like they were going to be much more fun. Now, I am the girl who always shows up, even when no one else does. I am dependable. If I say I will be there I will be there. And, I know that’s a good quality.
However, that “I never let anyone down” piece of me had gone way too far. I had become too rigid. I was not enjoying myself as much as I should have been because I was actually being overly responsible (I know that sounds crazy). I was becoming a Debbie Downer within my own mind! It was just silly.
Then, within a matter of minutes, I changed my mind, and it was OK. I changed a couple of plans and I had a great evening with friends I lightened up the reigns on my dating life and found that every date doesn’t have to be over thought. It can just be a date and now I am having lots of fun again. And, I figured out that every decision I make isn’t set in stone. It was just a decision and now I am making another one. All of this has changed my life! Really!
Of course, I am not advocating ditching important commitments and loved family and friends, but I am suggesting that, if you are like me and sometimes too rigid, it might not be a bad thing to throw caution to the wind and change your plans. There is absolutely no reason not to when it comes to your happiness. Sometimes it pays to make a change.
Try it and let me know how it feels. Do you feel a little naughty? Good. Oh, by the way, the photo above is yarn and knitting needles: I canceled going to a knitting group because I didn’t have a project to work on and was feeling guilty. Problem solved!
Read MoreRepost from 1/20/2016
Sometimes you are freed from something that you didn’t know was holding you back. That’s me. And it’s not just the age thing. I’ve never been one to worry about my age that much. My Mother died at 49 (cancer) and my Father died at 55 (stroke). So I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have the opportunity to turn sixty. To be here with my kids at sixty. To get to see them as young adults and beyond. I am a grateful girl at this point. I love sixty!
It is a great time to be unhitching my self from my husband. I had no idea how beat down I had felt for years (not physically, let me make that clear). I was oppressed by the lack of trust in my marriage and that darkened everything in my life. Waiting for him to come home, maybe, and not knowing what that was going to look like was torture. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it always dropped eventually. I built a fortress around myself for protection. I had no idea the enormity of the weight of that fortress and it is gone. Read…my…lips……..gone!
And, while I was living with that, my business was oppressive because I really just didn’t like it and wasn’t good at it. I did it to impress him. It did not. I have been carrying too much weight because there had to be some “place” of happiness and ice cream was that place. I was drinking too much, well, you know why. I was living in a big house on a golf course because I thought that if we moved there maybe my husband would like me better. He just likes golf better now.
I sold the restaurants, I moved to a one room, 1000 sq. foot loft apartment: my husband wanted to keep the house because living on the golf course makes him feel like a big man: you’re welcome. I probably drink less but Have fun more. I am never going to like working out, but I am doing so for way better reasons than to try to make my husband like me again. Funny, I seem to have lost about 195 lbs. (you get my drift I’m sure).
Hooray for me! Happy Birthday!
Read MoreWould you want to spend time with… you? That’s a strange question, isn’t it? But I’m serious. The way you present yourself when you sit down for coffee at the local coffee shop or the way you introduce yourself to a possible love interest; would you look forward to hearing what you had to say? Let’s look at this.
I spend time with lots of single women over sixty and one thing I can tell you about us women, single or married, is that as we age, we get a little grouchy (the same goes for men but I don’t care about them right now). Let tell you the things we gripe about immediately when we sit down to a table of, well, anyone who will listen: the weather, the heat, the sore ankle (knee, hip, elbow, foot, shoulder, wrist, neck), what’s on the menu that causes gas, bloating, heartburn, acid reflux, diarrhea, constipation, irritable bowel syndrome, inflammation of anything, swelling of anything, insomnia, and general pain. And, we can’t stay too late because we have to get home before dark because we can’t see to drive in the dark. The humidity makes my hair frizzy. The humidity makes my hair flat. The humidity makes my feel swell. I can’t sit here at this high top because it hearts my knees. The air conditioning is blowing on my neck. It’s too cold. It’s too hot in here.
This is all before the first glass of water has been served! You think I’m kidding: I am not. I have heard every one of these complaints when women have just arrived at the table to sit down. Who wouldn’t to spend time with that? I wouldn’t. I don’t. I don’t want to spend time with that woman and I don’t want to invite her to another opportunity to waste my time with her moaning! I just don’t.
Here’s the thing, most women who hit the ground running with this dialogue don’t even know they are doing it. They just moan on and on and wonder why their phones aren’t ringing off the hook (that’s an old fashioned expression, isn’t it?) with invitations to more get togethers. Well, wonder no more, it’s because that’s not fun to be around. That isn’t happy one bit. And, why would I want to be around that again?
Guess what, everything we just said as we strolled up to the table is true. Everything does hurt and it is hot outside and our hair is a collective mess, but, no one wants to hear that. No one cares, at least no one cares right off the bat.
I don’t want to talk to that woman and neither do you and neither do any men who she is considering for a relationship. And, I am not saying we have to be fake. That’s not the message either. Here is the message: if you want to continue to be social and active, if you want people to invite you to join them for various outings, if you want to be asked on a date, you need to present yourself in a way that makes them want you around.
I am working in my Sisters Program on this very topic and I am working with a couple of clients in the WingWoman program on the same. I think it is making a difference in how these woman are being perceived and will continue to make a difference as they work on creating m ore and more relationships.
In order to remain socially active, we must each put our best foot forward. We must be women who others enjoy spending time with and with whom others want to engage.
So, for the rest of the month and into September I am going to be focusing on how we want to present ourselves to others and what we can do, how we can reframe our conversation, to make others want to spend more and more time with us. So, I go back to my original question: would you want to spend time with…you?
Read MoreI had a conversation last week with one of my closest friends about our work life, home life and what they look like moving forward. She is married, I am not. After we parted I realized something that had escaped me to this point: we honestly have many of the same issues in our 60+ lives. I truly thought that my issues were particular to single women about 60-70, and some may be, but we have many of the same thoughts rolling around in our heads.
My friend said to me, “This is a hard time of life. Everybody I know is grappling with whether or not they should make a career change or ride it out or retire or get a new job all together. She’s right. This is a complicated time in our lives and it is unexpected for me.
When I was first divorced, I guess I thought I would ride my life out as planned, creating content for single women over fifty and working with women to help them make their lives look like their visions. I love doing this and I hope I get to do it forever. But, I pay my own health insurance and maybe I should be thinking of adding another “gig” to my schedule in order to have that covered. And, I’m not sure that I wouldn’t enjoy more interaction with live human beings, since much of my “socializing” is actually online through social media.
My friend was communicating that she might like a job that was a little more fulfilling for her. Or would she? She carries the health insurance for her whole family, and wondered if that is worth sticking it out for a while. Add to that the fact that she isn’t ready to hang up her working shoes when she turns 65. How did things get this complicated.
When I was married, I was always worried about retirement for my husband. He wasn’t someone who I thought would ever retire: his only hobby was golf. The thought of him not leaving the house in the morning had me sweating bullets! And, we had nothing in common, so I can’t imagine what that would have even looked like. I always saw myself working at something forever and I always saw him working forever. I just did. That didn’t necessarily mean employment, but I don’t think I am an at-home kind of girl anymore.
But, when I became single, my outlook changed forever. Continuing to work might be a necessity rather than an option. I guess it didn’t hit me that my married friends were in the same boat. Or, might choose to be in that same boat because they aren’t ready to throw in the towel either. Some don’t feel like they have as much money as they thought they would and want to add to their nest egg. Some want to do something different. Some want to be more fulfilled for the next ten years. Whatever it is, we are all finding ourselves a little off balance and not knowing which direction to face.
So, it’s not just me who feels the pinch of being in my sixties and not knowing what should come next. And it’s not just single women over 50 who are looking forward with big question marks in their eyes. All of us girls are looking for clarity as we gaze into the future. We all wish we had a crystal ball. I Sure do!
Maybe, there will just never be a time when any of us feel settled with our plans for the future, single or not. Is that OK? Let me know what you think.
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