Inspiration
On the outside, I think I sometimes look like I have it all, like I have conquered getting divorced at 62 and being forced to change my life and lifestyle. “Mrs. Harer, you seem
Most mornings I wake up in a cold sweat, with my brain screaming at me, “Here I am, alone, for possibly the rest of my life, which I hope lasts for at least 30 more years. What should I do about A, B or C? Do I have enough money for D? What is going to happen if I get sick? What am I going to have for dinner? If a tree (me) falls in the woods (down the stairs in my condo) and no one is there to hear it does it make a sound (will anyone notice that I have been missing in action)? How will I manage E? Is startingoveratsixty.com going to make it? Is it a good idea? Can I afford to take the kids on a family vacation to F? Will I ever fall in love again? Did I remember to feed Red last night? Will I be single forever or will my life be different in 5, 10, 15 years? Is this my final chapter?” And, that’s just in the first two minutes that my eyes are open! Sound familiar?
Certainly, when I was married I had tons of things to worry about, but, though I was in an unhappy marriage, I had an underlying expectation about how things were going to go: whatever was going to happen, it would happen two-by-two. My family structure would be the same. Now, I feel a little bit like I am floating through life: there are no real touchpoints, outside of my children and grandson, where I feel grounded. I’m a floater.
What is it that makes me so fearful underneath my skin? What is it that prevents me from feeling like I’m
What I know about myself is that I have too much of that stomach-churning fear-tension, and I am trying to spank my own hand when it’s clearly over the top. You know yourself well enough to know whether or not you are rational with your concerns about the future. If you aren’t sure whether your fears are rational or not, break them down. Often, I find that I am worried about something that wasn’t even an issue, like worrying if the snow will prevent you from driving without looking out the window: it’s not based on reality until you know the snow is actually there.
Let’s take a look:
1. If you are worried about money, figure out if you need to be. I often start worrying about money in the middle of the night then get up, look at my bank account and find out that I had nothing to worry about, that I just let my mind wander for no good reason. If you are worried about retirement and money, talk with a financial planner who can tell you exactly what you have and what you need.
2. Worried about your health? Make an appointment with your physician. None of us has a guarantee about our future health, but we can each do our part to improve our chances for continued good health. If you do have health issues, of course, you are worried. You should be and I am sorry that it’s happening to you. The best thing you can do is follow doctor’s orders and be as proactive as possible. I am a big believer that the more you know about your health the more you will feel like a part of your body’s board of directors.
3. The love thing is tricky, I’ll be the first to admit it. That is the great unknown, for sure. I can only give you my take on it. If you are looking for romance, watching romantic comedies on TV isn’t how to do it! I hear from so many people who say to me, “I hate online dating.” Well, guess what, no one likes it. I have never heard anyone, man or woman, say they love online dating sites. But, it is the way of the world. If you have been able to meet a man without a dating site, you are a rockstar! If you do want to add some romance into your life, you need to change your tune about online dating. I do not enjoy it one bit, but I can honestly say that I have met a few very nice men that way, even if we weren’t a fit. I’m not even sure I could fall in love again, but I hope I can someday. Yes, yes, yes I have met a lot of frogs as well. But I try to be open-minded about it. If you say no to online dating, you need to get several cats and focus on them! Ha!
4. Finally, the one topic that I always worry over is my past mistakes. I absolutely hate to tell you that, but it is true. I ruminate over how I got here, and how I got there, and why did I make such poor decisions in my past. This is the most maddening worry because it’s something that I have no control over, yet it uses up lots of my worry time! I hate, hate, hate it! So, when I’m in bed and focusing on the past, I try to switch up my thinking. That’s right, I force myself to change my thought. Like I start to think about ice cream! It doesn’t work every time, but it works once in a while (however, I am eating way too much ice cream).
That’s it. Those are most of the things that I fear and worry about ad nauseam in bed. I try to resolve them by taking action on the topics sometime during the day, so they don’t visit me again the next night. I just hate to spend any of my time fretting over the same worries over and over, and I hate for you to do the same.
Let me know what fears you face when you hit-the-hay and again when you wake up. Can you make some changes to alleviate some of those worries? Do
There are plenty of things that I don’t love about being single since my marriage of more than thirty years ended: it can often be a very lonely life. I sometimes wish I had someone to talk with about ideas or plans or family issues. I wouldn’t mind having another body in my house to do a chore or two (not that I ever had that kind of help when I was married!). And, it’s not that great to watch the Academy Awards by myself (My dog, Red, hasn’t seen any of the movies. Haha!).
But, when I find that I am feeling sorry for myself about being single, I have to remind myself about all of the things that are really great about being single at this stage of my life.
Here are a few:
It’s dinner time and I have nothing in the fridge. No worries. There is a bag of popcorn and a half gallon of ice-cream at my fingertips!
Let’s see, I have no plans to go anywhere today so I think I will brush my teeth. That’s it. Yoga pants, sweatshirt, brushed teeth. Then, when I go to bed, I will brush my teeth again.
There is not a sports event of any kind on
I have a pink sofa. That’s right, my living room has a pink sofa in it. My bed has a pink blanket on it. I have some new dishes that are pink. I get to be a girl and decorated my new abode for me and me alone. While it isn’t a very frilly place, it is clear that a girl lives here and I love it. Everything is bright and cheery and just a little girly.
If there is a pile of clothes on the floor, it’s my pile. If there are dishes in the sink, they are mine. Honestly, my place is always clean, something I have never experienced. I had only heard tell of a land where the homes remained clean for more than a day.
Let me add the fact that I get all the closet space and all the bathroom counter space. And, I don’t go to sleep with the sports on in the background.
Listen, I thought I would be married forever and I will always regret that it didn’t happen, mostly for my children. But, I’ve learned to celebrate the pieces of my life that I really enjoy, and there are plenty of those.
What do you like about being single and over 50? There is so much life to enjoy during this act of
The answer is yes, looks matter, but not in the way you might think. It truly doesn’t matter what you look like, it matters what you think you look like. Those of you who are Starting Over at SIxty Sisters may have heard this story and if so, I apologize.
I went to a wedding one Saturday evening solo. If you have done this you know, it isn’t easy. Honestly, I had poured myself into my outfit and I felt terrible: yanking my blouse down all night and twisting my skirt back where it belonged. I hated myself!
The next morning I put on a new outfit, one that I thought made me look like a million bucks, and I felt like I looked great. I felt confident, I felt professional and I felt like I was on top of my game. So what was the difference? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I looked exactly the same in that 12 hour period but I felt awful in one outfit and great in another. The only difference was the way I felt, not the clothes on my back. It wasn’t about the cost of the clothes or the style or the size or the color. It was about how I felt.
So, you can imagine how I carried myself when I was feeling like dog poop. I sat in my chair longer than I normally would have and I didn’t mingle or put myself out there in any way. Fast forward to the next day, when I thought I was the belle of the ball, talking to people, introducing myself and reaching out to others. The polar opposite of who I had been 12 hours prior. AND NOTHING HAD CHANGED.
Think about this, if I only kept the clothes in my closet that make me feel like a rockstar, what would change? How would my life be different on a daily basis? I can tell you: your mood would be elevated. You would have some pep in your step. You would take more risks because you would have more confidence in your self and the way you look. But remember this: the only change would be in your head. the only person who needs to think you look good is you.
You can decide whether or not to clean out your closet and toss those pieces that don’t make you feel good about yourself. At the very least, pull out your five favorite outfits and wear them this week and see how it changes your attitude. I promise you will feel your mood lift and you will feel better about yourself, because looks do matter but only in your head.
Read MoreIt’s easy: it’s cold outside and going home and watching TV every night sounds like the best option for you. The weekend comes and you’re looking forward to binge-watching Netflix and reading a book. That sounds heavenly, doesn’t it? Well, maybe.
It’s OK to do once in a while, but if you let yourself think that the luxury of alone time is better than being out in the world with friends or seeing a movie or working out, you are creating a slippery slope. Becoming isolated is an issue for many single women and can spiral into depression easily.
So if you have to force yourself to stay active outside your own home, then do it. Make yourself go to a movie. Meet a friend for dinner. Go to a meetup in your town. Workout. Do anything you can do to stay active and to spend time off your couch. It will help you in so many ways.
The loneliness that can set in for single women over fifty is no joke. No kids at home, no love interest, maybe less money than you used to have. It can bring you to your knees. And, becoming isolated just allows you to wallow in that pool of loneliness and can only make it worse.
Make plans! Make plans for the week, right now, whether they are by yourself or with friends. You will help yourself fight off increased loneliness and depression. You will spend less time alone. You will feel like part of the outside world. You may make some new friends. And, you will definitely feel less like an observer and more like a participant in your own life.
Read MoreAround this time of year I starting to get a little blue: the days are still long and there are more clouds in the sky than sunshine. It’s freezing. It’s windy. It’s slushy. I can easily climb into bed when I get home, or eat until it’s time to go to bed. A bad weekend weather report can send me into a planning frenzy, listing all the binge watching I want to do, what snacks I will need and what sweats I will wear for the duration. I get mad because I have to go outside to walk my dog and I put it off until he is crossing his legs.
If I let it, winter can claim me as a casualty. So I have to fight back. I have to fight the urge to “hunker down.” Here are some of the tricks I play on myself. Maybe they will help you get through the season better.
- Dress warmly. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it helps. When I’m cold, all I want to do is go home and get under three blankets. And, if I am not wearing clothes that keep me comfortable throughout the day, I am miserable. However, when I dress warmly, maybe even to the point of being too warm at some points during the day, I am not likely to want to race home for warmth. I don’t need to be stationary in front of the fireplace. This sounds like the silliest thing you have ever heard, but I swear, it works. I am much more mobile and “life-like” when I am plenty warm. Try it. It makes a difference.
- Exercise: Whether it’s indoors or outdoors, it warms you up. You feel good about yourself. It elevates your mood (at least that’s what they say). Nothing more to say about that.
- Make plans for a few evenings each week. The earlier I head home each day, the more likely I am to become a couch potato at night. And, there is no way that once I am home in the winter I am heading back out. Even if I am at home most of the day in the winter, I find that if I make plans a few evenings a week my cabin fever is much less severe than those times when I just come home and lock the door behind me.
- Go Outside. What? Go outside? I know it sounds insane, but I learned this from walking the dog. I live in an urban area so just letting the dog out isn’t an option. I have to take him for a walk. But, if I really bundle up and hit the sidewalk, I find that the temperature isn’t nearly as bad as it seems in my head. Of course, there are those days when I ask him to just hold it until tomorrow (that works so well). But, the staying in gives the conditions power. Sounds crazy but it’s true. No dog? Take a walk around the block. The fresh air kind of perks you up, or maybe it is just making you run home! Either way it gets you moving. Try it.
- Have a dinner party. You don’t even have to go outside! Cook a hearty meal and invite friends. You’ll laugh. You’ll socialize. You’ll have fun, and fun beats the winter blahs.
So fight the winter doldrums any way you can, and let me know what works for you, other than pie!
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