Holiday
Repost from 1/4/2016
Even though we all make resolutions for the new year ahead, I have always felt that the new year starts the first Monday after the holidays. It’s when all kids are back in school, and everyone gets back to the routine of work and daily life. So, on the Sunday before the Monday I was busy making lists, doing laundry, cleaning out the refrigerator and getting ready for all the good things that are coming my way in 2016. Then, I overslept this morning by two hours. Not 15 minutes but two hours! Is that an omen for the upcoming year that I am so sure is going to be spectacular? Am I going to sleep through this year and be making the same resolutions next year? No! No! No! It is all happening this year. Why? Because 2016 is the year of Paula, that’s why.
I have decided that rather than look at all the changes I want to make right now, I am going to look at what my life will look like on December 31, 2016. Her we go.
I will be thin, needless to say. Oprah and I will be thin as thin can be by the end of next year. While, I have not signed up for her Weight Watchers, I am very inspired by her commercials on TV and I know that’s all it will take to get me on the right path. So far today I am on a strict diet of frozen grapes and Genoa Salami. Baby steps. As I lose weight, the evidence of all the hard work I have put in at the gym will become evident. I will be stunning and an inspiration as well, no other way to put it.
My employment will be super lucrative, and I will be in demand. Maybe it will be my very popular blog that read by hundreds of thousands of women and is under consideration for an on demand sitcom. While I am busy with the blog, I will also be working with a partner on our social media company. And, my idea for another business services organization will take off and have me traveling quite a bit, to cities I have never visited. My life will be super glam.
I will have invested a small amount of money in women-owned businesses. I will have donated my time and money to a few local causes that I support. For me, that is the best feeling in the world.
Love…I will be in it. I might be in love with one person or with several, and they will be in love with me, too. It goes without saying that many men will be in love with me. After all, I am hot and thin and making big bucks, and I look like what 60 should be. ..awesome.
Since I will qualify as a senior citizen, I will be taking free classes offered by local universities to improve myself. By next year, I will be well schooled in new interests to expand my mind and make me just that much more attractive.
And, I will be cooking more. And I will have knitted several sweaters. And I will be sewing. And I will be riding a motor scooter. I will have long hair, and it will look great.
That is where I will be when the New Year 2017 comes around. Can’t wait!
Paula
Read MoreThe holidays are here: yippee! But, holidays can present tough times for single women. We are surrounded by images of family and joy and the wonder of the season. Visions of people opening gifts, sharing meals and hugging loved ones are all over the tube. Many of us, as single women over fifty, may be feeling left out. I sometimes feel like my chair at the table is an addition: it used to be my table. Well, all of those feelings are valid and all may be true. But, if you let yourself crumble under the weight of those negative feelings, if you let them take over, you’re sunk.
Let’s not let that happen. Right here we are going to kick loneliness and sadness during the holidays to the curb. Let’s get started.
- Plan, plan, plan: Planning is everything when you are trying to eliminate loneliness any time, but especially during the holidays. Take a look ahead and pinpoint those times that are going to be dicey. That might be New Year’s Eve, Christmas morning, Christmas Eve: a time when you will be alone and missing loved ones or those who have passed or those who are far away. For me, that is always the time when my adult children are with their father, family time that no longer includes me. I hate it and I make sure to have plans for that time so I am not sitting at home being a sadsack. I go to a movie, get together with friends or get busy cooking for my family time.
- Volunteer: So many people receive volunteer services all year long and those volunteers need a break during the holidays. You can fill in. Nothing uplifts your spirits more than helping others. Nothing makes you feel better about yourself than helping others. Nothing fills your heart with joy more than helping others. There are endless opportunities for volunteerism year-round and, of course, during the holidays.
- Invite friends to your place: I have no doubt that you have friends who have “gaps” in their holiday celebrations. Invite them to your home for a cocktail or coffee and dessert. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, but there are others who would love an invite and that can come from you. You will feel great getting to share your home with others and they will greatly appreciate it. They are part of your extended “family.”
- Say yes to invitations: We often say no to invitations because we are too tired or overloaded during the holidays. Stop that! You can rest in January. Take advantage of every opportunity to be with others over these next few weeks. This is the time to be social and connected in order to stave off loneliness.
- Invite yourself: That sounds crazy, right? Far from it! Don’t feel sorry for yourself, don’t be too proud, be proactive. You will find that others are happy for you to join them.
Now, I don’t know anyone who likes New Year’s Eve. Not one person. For me, it always feels melancholy. And it may be. But, whatever you do, spend it doing something you love, whether you are alone or with friends or family. Be in a place, mindfully, of peace, whatever that looks like for you, as you welcome the new year with anticipation.
Happy Holidays!
Read MoreRepost from 2/9/2016
My home has changed with my new life. I have always lived in older homes and mostly I have had plenty of room. Not that our houses were fancy, just houses with lots of room. A bedroom for each child growing up and a playroom. My husband and I each had our own dressing rooms (we had plenty of rooms, just no closets). Bathroom space was ample. And, I always had an office at home. As my children left the nest we continued to keep their bedrooms intact; however, my oldest son had to contend with his room becoming my craft and sewing room when he was away. He got over it.
A little background…when I was about 15 my parents split. We had to sell our house, and my Mom and I moved into an apartment. I hated it. I wanted to be an ordinary family and live in a regular house with two regular, married-to-each-other, parents. I was devastated by all of it. I loved my family and my house and my room, and now it was gone. I loved my home. Our new apartment was very cool and probably looked super glamorous to some of my friends. I hated it. Hate hate hated it. Have I made myself clear?
Now fast forward about forty-five years…my husband wanted to keep our house; the man who could not have been less engaged in any part of our home life now wished to maintain the house on the golf course. Shocking. So, my challenge was to find a place that would work for me and allow the kids to stay at my place some of the time when they are home. Of course, I want them all of the time, but we can’t always get what we want. I started looking for an apartment that could accommodate my dog and me, visiting twenty-somethings and my office. What I found was that I would be able to have all of those things if I stacked the children in the office when they visit. Interesting concept: air mattress, son, air mattress, son, air mattress, daughter. I kept looking. It was depressing, and it felt like I was going backward rather than moving forward.
I looked for a new place in the trendiest area of my city, but there was just too much vomit on the sidewalks after Friday and Saturday nights. I love being around young people but not at 2 a.m. when the bars close.
Then the clouds opened up, and a sunbeam was shining on a small brick building in downtown. The ad said it was a loft, but I had my doubts. My search had taught me that loft is a very loose term. I walked into a unit that would be open in a few months and … I … was … home. Brick walls, exposed beams and a concrete floor…it all screamed Paula. My kind of place.
Here is how I can best describe my apartment: one of my favorite TV shows of all time is Everybody Loves Raymond. I am sure I have seen every episode numerous times and can recite many of them line for line. Ray Barone refers to the “cafegymatorium” when talking about an area of the school building. Can’t you just picture it. The long tables, with bench seating and wheels that fold up and move to the side for volleyball, then the room is reworked again that day, for the Girl Scout Talent Show that evening. That’s what my new apartment is. The all-purpose living space. I am trying to come up with a one-word description. All I have is “offlibeddin” (think Armageddon). If you have any suggestions, let me know.
Read MoreHere we go: the holidays are here and those holidays offer a mixed bag of emotions for all of us, no matter what our marital status. But, if you are 50+ and single, you may not see a Norman Rockwell painting when you look ahead at what’s coming. So what can you do about that? How can you make the next six weeks happier and less ominous? One word, plan. Plan, plan, plan. That way you can prepare yourself for the potholes in the road ahead and try to avoid them. You have seen these ideas here before at Starting Over at Sixty, but they can’t be overstated: you must plan your holidays so you can stay out of the darkness that can take over when you get loneliness creeps in.
Are you going to be alone on Thanksgiving? First, remember that not all family affairs are perfect. When I was a kid, I thought everyone in the universe was at a dinner table having the time of their lives on Thanksgiving: family, food and fun. I was an only child and so it was just the three of us. That was not what I thought Thanksgiving should look like. It wasn’t until years later that I realized that not all big, family Thanksgivings are anywhere near perfect, but we do romanticize the day. That being said, many of us have that perfect vision, and when we are left out of it, our hearts are a little broken. So, what can you plan for on Thanksgiving? It’s a good day to take a long walk, to watch the parade and to watch the dog show. It is a great day to go to a movie, or even two. Make a plan to see someone, anyone, at some point during the day so you are not 100% isolated.
Christmas Eve and Christmas are big family days, of course, and I know that I used to dread waking up on Christmas morning alone. But, I also don’t like it when my adult children leave to move on to other family celebrations that don’t include me. So, when I can, I take the afternoon-evening shift so when they get there they are all mine for the rest of the day. I go to church if I am alone on Christmas Eve because it takes my mind off myself for a while and puts the joy back in the holiday. That’s just me. You can choose to do anything you want, but Christmas Eve always feels like a more sacred, joyous time, and you might want to enjoy that feeling, whether you are alone or not, whether you are Christian or not. It is my favorite night of the year. On Christmas, I can get through anything when I know I have something to look forward to.
Now, for New Year’s Eve; is there any more hated holiday? I hated it when I was young and single, I hated it when I was married and I hate it now that I am old and single. It feels to me like a time to celebrate how painfully aware I am of how fast time goes by! I am happy to see the dawn of January 1st so I can say goodbye to New Year’s Eve. So, I am always proactive for New Year’s Eve because it is not an evening that I want to leave to chance. I have invited friends for a dinner party. I have gone to a comedy club for some fun. And, this year I have planned to go to an Inn for a couple of days to do absolutely nothing! But, the key to getting through it is to do more than get through it: it is to create your own fun. Make it happen!
So, I want you to sit down right now and plan your next six weeks: plan for parties or the lack thereof. Plan for the actual holidays and your possible lonely times. And, plan for the fun, the moments that make the holidays happy and joyful and full of love. Make the most of this time by preparing for the worst and enjoying the best the holidays can offer.
Happy Holidays!
Read MoreKnow what triggers your loneliness and you can be pro-active in reducing it. That’s right, I am convinced that we can all take some action to mitigate our own loneliness, not make it go away, but lessen its power.
First, recognize the difference between being alone and being lonely. I love spending time alone. I love to read, watch television, knit: I love all those things and love having time to do them. But, do I want to be doing them on Christmas Eve? No. That’s where the difference lies. The loneliness comes when we would be doing something else in that time period. For example, back when my children were young, if you had told me that I would have the opportunity to spend July 4th alone next to a pool sipping a drink with an umbrella in it, I would have said, “Sign me up!” That holiday was one that seemed to last forever: hot, sticky weather, cookouts, fireworks: it was endless. Fast forward, and I have plenty of time on that day. No one needs me on the Fourth. I am not complaining, but I realize that loneliness strikes when I feel like I am missing out. I am most lonely when I know that there is lots of fun being had elsewhere but not with this girl. It took me a long time to figure that out (not the brightest bulb in the pack). I don’t care one bit about football, but I feel lonely if I am watching the Super Bowl alone: I create a scenario in my mind where everyone I know is living it up, laughing and high-fiving all around. I feel lonely on Valentine’s Day, the day that has been set aside to make many of us miserable. (For the record, it wasn’t my favorite when I was married either).
I am aware that as a single woman in my sixties I am not going to totally rid myself of loneliness. But, I can pay attention and lessen the pain of loneliness. Here are some ideas:
Plan Ahead
When I had first left my marriage, I had a big anniversary coming up. I was not excited about the upcoming anniversary and knew the day would be a killer. So, I made plans to travel and a friend joined me for a couple of those days. We had planned an adventure on the anniversary and it worked so well that I almost forgot about it. I had been saved the torture of sitting in my tiny apartment and feeling sorry for myself. I owe that friend a debt of gratitude.
When my first Christmas as a single woman was around the corner, I was full of dread. How was I going to get through it? But, I did some planning. Since there were no small children in our family at the time, I opted to spend Christmas afternoon and evening with my children at my place. I didn’t think I could stand to have them leave me midway through the day. Again, my bestie helped me by planning to go to a morning movie. It was great. It was quiet and we saw a movie that would be sold out later in the day. I came home and got things ready and barely noticed what I had dreaded for weeks.
Volunteer
I understand that we don’t all have someone to partner up with on tough days, but, you can always find something to do. If there is no one to help you get through those rough times, volunteer. Nothing makes you feel better about yourself than serving others. Period. It will make the time fly by and when you get home you can pat yourself on the back for helping others. Bravo!
No No No
Do not plan to go to a spa alone. You will just think of everyone else having a blast without you. Do not plan to stay home and clean out under your kitchen sink. Gross! Do not plan on seeing a romantic comedy. I don’t think that needs clarification. And, do not decide that you are going to read War and Peace on that day because you are not. Do not go on Facebook to see how much fun the rest of the world is having.
The Moral of This Story
The moral of this story: we all deal with loneliness. But, we can each improve our outlooks by putting coping mechanisms into place for when we are feeling low. I want to end with this: I would love it if you would forward this post to a friend who you think might benefit from reading it, and, I have never felt as lonely as a single woman as I did in my marriage. There is no comparison.
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