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Women are the great re-inventors, it’s true. If there is one quality that sets women apart from men and is one of the keys to remaining happy over a lifetime, it is the ability to re-invent oneself. Certainly, I can name famous women, most of them having one name like Cher, Madonna, Gaga, who have all had several incarnations. Look at Joan Rivers, who started out in stand-up, ended up on a fashion television show and in between ran a jewelry empire. Or how about Martha Stewart who built an empire, was sentenced to prison time then emerged strong after serving that time. The point is that women seem to have the ability to pick themselves up after defeat, assess the damage and then pivot and start over in a new direction.
I have a theory that women are so good at re-invention because their lives biologically are set up that way. Through youth, then motherhood or the reproductive years, followed by menopause, it is biology at its most basic level. We go through so many changes internally that making necessary changes to our lives is already in our DNA.
Think about how many versions of you there have been. Speaking for myself, I was a single woman, then a wife, then a mother, then a single woman again and soon will be a grandmother: all very different stages in life with different expectations. While men’s roles are very clearly defined over the course of their lives, women change roles almost daily. So, is it any wonder that women seem to be more able to handle, and better prepared to deal with, life when it throws them curve balls? Is it a surprise that women seem to thrive on change while men simply do not? No, it is not.
Looking back over my adult life, I was a single woman working in advertising when I met my future husband and no sooner did the minister say, “I now pronounce you husband and wife,” I was pregnant. I was having a difficult time finding childcare and wasn’t madly in love with my job, so I stayed at home with that baby and the one who followed. Now I was an at-home mother working as hard at being good in that role as I had at selling advertising time. When I look back at that young woman I wonder what made her feel like she had to be great at everything? It might be that my husband didn’t value my expertise at home as much as he valued my expertise earning a paycheck, but, that is how it was. I went back to work a couple of years later and was now a mother of two baby boys and a daughter on the way, working fulltime outside the home and full time inside the home. Not uncommon. Not complaining, just the truth. When my daughter came along I hung up my working outside the home shoes more permanently and dived into the world of at-home motherhood. Lots of trials along the way and a not so happy marriage lead me to where I am today (there is a lot of stuff in-between but this isn’t a book. Kids grew up and moved on, my marriage finally crumbled, etc.).
Here I am and now I get to start over: I have the chance to wipe the slate clean and really be purposeful with the direction I take. It is already happening in small doses: I live downtown in a one-room loft while my husband insisted on keeping the big house on a country club golf course (this appears to be a win for each of us, illustrating our differences). I love it!
So, back to Madonna and Cher: neither one of them was an actress until their respective singing careers lead them down that path, and the same can be said for Lady Gaga. And, how many hats did Joan Rivers wear over the course of her life? How many hats have you worn? Here is an exercise for you: write down the roles you have played over the course of your life. How many careers, responsibilities and supervisory positions have you been involved in along the way? Can you start over at sixty or beyond? Absolutely, without question. And, you can excel through those changes: you can make your life better.
Not all change is positive and not all change is fun, but change is inevitable, and if you don’t learn to roll with it you will not be able to age happily, that’s just the truth. We must adapt if we want to be happy in our sixties, seventies and beyond. Re-invent, re-prioritize and re-locate if you want to, and learn how much you still have to give to this world. And never stop moving forward.
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If you are starting over and feeling lonely, just remember that you can make new friends at any age. If you think that sounds like work, it is. But, it’s necessary and worthwhile. One thing I realized when I was starting over was that as much as I loved my friends, most of them were married. I was married. We were all married together. And as much as I love them and they are still a huge part of my life, they had a life at home. I did not. We went out together (I am a lucky girl. Most of my friends seem to not mind having me tag along.) and then they went home together and had a family life. My life is not like that anymore.
It wasn’t very long until I figured out that I had to attack this loneliness head-on. Sitting at home crying myself to sleep had to stop. No one was going to find me in my apartment: that’s like sitting in a movie theater waiting to be discovered! So, I found some ways to get to know new people, people who were not part of my past. They know me as I am now. If you need help with loneliness try these tips.
Volunteer
Whether it is faith-based or through your community or is directed where you work, get yourself into some volunteer activity. Not only are you doing something good-hearted, which makes you feel better automatically, you make friends with the people on either side of you. You are working together. You already have something in common, you like to help others. If it is a recurring activity, you will naturally bond with your fellow volunteers and coffee or a glass of wine can’t be far behind. Everyone has a passion for something philanthropic, so get engaged in it and see what happens. You will reap such benefits: you will feel good about what you have accomplished, you will meet new friends, you will fill some time if you are feeling like you have too much isolated time in your new life, and you will let a few more people in the world know that you are single and looking for other opportunities to meet new friends. And, best of all, you spend some time not thinking about yourself, which is an unavoidable byproduct of the turmoil in your life. Bingo!
Take a Class
Want to learn something new? Then, learn it! For me, it’s knitting. I like to knit. I like to take knitting classes. When I take a class I am usually with women around my age so those are new friends. We talk while we knit, so we get to know each other. If we enjoy each other’s company we might get a cup of tea afterward. You may be thinking that you would like to meet some men as well. Take a class that offers you that opportunity. Any class, or training, allows you to improve yourself and make some new acquaintances, male or female, at the same time. You can even plan to take another class together, to keep the friendship going.
I love spending time with young people. And, taking a class at a local university or community college allows you to do that, again, while bettering yourself. I am a lifelong Spanish class taker: I have taken so many Spanish classes without seeming to learn a word of Spanish, but I keep trying and I have met some lovely young people in the process.
Become a Regular
OK, I’m sure that this will not sit well with some of you but just keep reading and I think you will stop judging me! When I left my big fancy home and moved to a one-room loft space downtown I had some bleak evenings. I could walk into my place at 5:00 and not talk to another soul until the next day. Once I walked Red, my cute dog, we were done for the night. Horrible. So, I walked myself down to one of the restaurants on my block and sat down at the bar. I introduced my self to the bartender, Tony, who was the Thursday night bartender. I told him I was new to the neighborhood and that was all I had to do. He introduced me to a couple of guys who were super connected around my area and they helped me know about the neighborhood organization that meets monthly. I ran into a couple who I had known in my previous life and they invited me to a party. Needless to say, I went to that restaurant every Thursday night and still do. I did the same thing at another place near me and had the same results. And, it can be a neighborhood coffee shop: it doesn’t have to be a bar. Just a place where you can walk in and introduce yourself and let people know that you are there and want to be social. Is it hard to walk into a bar and sit down by yourself? Absolutely. But without having done that, I would still be sitting in my apartment watching Wheel with Red.
Meetups
If you don’t know about meetups, here you go https://www.meetup.com. There is a meetup in every city around the world about any topic that you can imagine. They are held at restaurants and coffee shops and are groups of people who have similar interests. It is exactly what it sounds like, you meet up and discuss the topic of choice. So, there is a knitting meetup. There is a Spanish meetup that I want to attend but am too afraid since I have learned virtually no Spanish! There is a running meetup. There is a social media meetup. There is a French meetup. There is a wine enthusiast’s meetup. There is a parenting meetup. You name it, there is a meetup for it.
Please don’t think that I am being flip about loneliness. I did all of these things and I was still lonely after my marriage broke up. Years lonely. Still sometimes lonely. But, you must be proactive and you must do the work that it takes to get yourself back on your feet. Try just one of these tips and you will be amazed at how you will feel. And, if you have some tried and true methods of beating loneliness, please let me know in the comments. If you know someone who might benefit from these tips, please share with her.
Read MoreA colleague introduced me to a young woman who needed some help or advice for her vision of an organization dedicated to helping women 18-34 get a leg up, get themselves moving in a positive direction. I was happy to do it, and when we met for a cup of coffee I was reminded how much enthusiasm can come out of one person: like a puppy wagging its tail so hard it falls over (I mean that in the most positive way). She was excited, she had events planned, she wanted to do something good. Just do good for these young women. She is driven, and maybe just lacks some direction and organizational skills to get herself going. So we talked for a while and I asked if she has an elevator pitch: a sentence or two or three that would tell the story of her organization to someone she might meet in an elevator. When she said she had never heard of that before, I told her to start there. I know she will do it and I will feel like I was able to help another lady out.
For some of you, an elevator pitch is a well-known phrase, for others, you’ve never heard the term. It doesn’t matter. The point is that I knew something that she didn’t and I was able to give her that little nugget to get her focused. Easy, right? Yes, it was and is easy. That is what I want to share today: that all of us women of a certain age have tons to offer other women and this is the year to get all that knowledge out there.
I think that we will look back at 2018 as the Year of the Woman. The movement got started with the Women’s March in January 2017, which led to additional activism along the way. Add to that the #MeToo movement and by the end of 2017, women were poised with a strength that I am not sure I have witnessed. It wasn’t some women, it was all women. And now, it isn’t just women, and I think that makes an enormous difference. Once evolved men began to see what women had been up against for so many years, they too started to take action and got onboard. Make no mistake about it, if you are a politician you know without appealing to women and women’s issues in your next election, you are going to have a very difficult time getting elected.
So where am I going with this? Here it is: this is our time and we are not passed our prime. We are necessary to the women’s movement. We women 50+ may have felt a little invisible from time to time, but no longer. It is not only our privilege it is our duty to help other women get to the top of their game, whatever that is. It is our obligation to help other women who are struggling financially. Helping is what we women do and we should be doing it for other women as much as we can. Let’s focus on supporting other women and watch what happens. I know it will be amazing what comes of us working together.
I plan on continuing the discussion about how we women can help one another over the course of the year. I hope you will contribute to that discussion with ideas and what you see working in your community. This week, think about what you can do to Help Another Lady Out. FYI, my original title for this article was Help Another Girl, but #HAG was more than I could stand!
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Do you feel like you keep starting over with the same goals? About this time every winter I realize that I have already given up on many of the things that I wanted to change about myself in the new year. About two weeks in! I can’t believe it. Then I tell myself that next Monday I will kick into gear, and so it goes all year long. I start over at something almost every Monday, 52 times each, in some cases. Then I start with the same goals next year. I get mad at myself for not following through and I stay mad at myself for being so spineless. Rats!
But every once in a blue moon a new behavior takes hold, and I am super proud of myself when it does. Good job. For example, I wanted to drink more water every day and started it in the new year a couple of years ago. That lasted about a week, then I went back to my old ways. But, each Monday I started again trying to drink more water daily until it actually happened. Imagine that. Now I don’t have to try, it just happens. Good for me.
Things that many of us vow to do in the new year are: lose weight (of course), spend more time at the gym, walk 10,000 steps a day, spend less money, floss every day, keep the closet organized, make the bed every day, read more and watch less, clear the clutter at home, learn how to _______ (fill in the blank). You get the picture. If it is any consolation, most of those are on my list every annually.
Keep Starting Over Until Change Occurs
My point is that without starting, no change will occur. Without beginning to make the change you will never make the change. And the number of times that you begin has nothing to do with it. If I hadn’t begun over and over trying to incorporate more water in my day, it would not have happened. If I don’t make an effort to add some steps into my day, I will not add steps into my day, it’s that simple. What I want to say to you is this: no one achieves progress by not starting somewhere. You may have started a diet on January 2nd, and fell off the wagon on January 5th, but that is no reason to stop trying. And if there are people in your life who tell you anything different, tell them to kindly pipe down. Keep starting over. Yes, keep starting over every week if that is what it takes to get you to that one Monday when you just do it, whatever it is. Keep working toward 10,000 steps daily even if it is one added step each day. You will get there eventually. Keep starting over making your bed every day until you notice one week that you did it for seven days, then do it some more.
And, weight loss, I know it is tough. I have struggled with it for years, but for some reason, this time around I seem to be on a good track. I would not have found this track, however, without starting a diet every Monday 842 times! Who knows whether this time will work or not, but so far so good. I may get rid of a few pounds or I may not. I may get rid of a lot of pounds. And if I don’t, then I will start over.
The people who do not ever reach any goals, no matter how small, are those who do not start to make a change in the first place. They don’t want the personal let down. Or they don’t have the confidence. They don’t take the first step and they let doubting Thomases interfere, they listen to the little devil sitting on one shoulder. Maybe they are insecure or maybe they are perfect, who knows. I am pretty sure I am not either of those.
The moral of this story is this: I had to start my life over at sixty. Didn’t want to, didn’t like it, didn’t know how. And, I failed at every at everything I started, then, cried and screamed and threw a fit, then started over, rinse and repeat! Now, it is finally working. 2018 looks so bright and happy and fun and fulfilling, but it would have never happened if I hadn’t started over a million times.
What Are You Starting New in 2018?
Tell me what goals you have for 2018. Is this the first time you have worked on this particular goal or are you starting over again? It doesn’t matter how many times you have tried to conquer it, start over and do it.
Read MoreDo you lack confidence? I came across an article in the Wall Street Journal this week about women in the workplace lacking confidence: young women were the focus, so I didn’t give it much thought since I am not one of those. Then I was meeting with my coach, Robin McAllister-Zaas, and we started talking about the fact that I lack confidence because of my body, a body that is what I like to call ample. I told her that I don’t like to post photos of myself because I don’t like my body (maybe I need counseling rather than a coach!). As we talked I realized that much of my lack of confidence can be traced right back to my unhappy marriage and that I need to take a good hard look at how that has changed my self-perception. That lack of confidence among women appears to be universal, whether you are young or old, single or married, a professional or not, a mom or not.
I was first made aware of how severe my lack of confidence was when I started dating again. I thought I was the most hideous troll on the planet, and so old that no one would ever look at me again. I had barnacles. Wonder where that came from? I thought I would live out my life knitting blankets with cat hair I collected, which would mean I would have to get a cat. Then, in what can only be considered a miracle, I went on a few dates and guess what, I wasn’t so gross after all. Men who were actually alive and breathing wanted to go out with me. Quelle shock! Not only go out, but they were interested in what I had to say. They thought I was pretty and nice and fun and smart, all the things that I thought had vanished. I knew I was those things 30 years ago but thought that I had lost my groove. Then, Paula got her groove back!
When I look back at my marriage, I know that I began to feel less confident as soon as I became an at-home mom. I know I was not alone. I truly believe that my husband lost interest in me at that time and I bought into his ridiculous thinking. I bought it! I let that make me feel small and unimportant. I can’t believe I let that happen. I am honestly a pretty tough cookie so if that happened to me I can’t imagine what it can do to a woman who lacks confidence from the start. Back to the Wall Street Journal article, I don’t think the lack of confidence that I experienced is much different from the lack of confidence that young women, or any women for that matter, face in the workplace. Those women feel like they don’t deserve a seat at the table just as I thought I didn’t deserve, well, anything.
Whatever the reason, men exude much more confidence, even when they are not. Remember that, even when they are not. And we buy it. But, as women, we have to do a better job. If I could talk to the at-home mom Paula now, I would say, “you are the same confident woman you were the day you got married. You had a career, you were smart, you were attractive, and you were confident. On the last day of the job, you were confident and the next day should have been no different.”
I learned a valuable lesson from my divorce attorney that did improve my confidence when I had to face contentious meetings with my husband in the room. Those meeting made me a basket case for days prior. My attorney had me rehearse over and over and over. That is something that I would have never thought of on my own. I worked on every scenario out loud, and when I got to the meeting, I was confident. I could not be rattled. I could not be minimized or made to feel stupid. So here is the key to confidence: know your stuff. Know how to prepare yourself for the next day, whatever is happening, so that people think you are the confident one in the room. Because you are!
I am attaching the link for the WSJ article in case you have interest in reading more.
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