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I went to a very inspirational meeting last week in New York where I was blown away by the accomplished speakers, all women in my age group. The audience was all women around my age as well. One of the speakers was an ageism expert and her talk was forceful and aggressive and highly motivating. However, quite a bit of her time was spent speaking about why women color their hair and have plastic surgery to look younger: her point was that we were buying into the youth culture ourselves, or at least that’s what I took away from her speech. She had a note of heightened anger in her voice and I thought to myself, “No more shaming! Take a look around the room.”
The sold-out crowd was full of the most beautiful women I had ever seen, and by beautiful, I mean it in the most inclusive sense of the word. They were black and white, tall and short, fat and thin, American and women from other countries. There were women wearing conservative suits and women in Birkenstocks. I saw women with every style and color of hair you can imagine. Every style of glasses, handbag, hat, and scarf was represented. Hair was curly and straight and blonde, black, gray, and red. I loved every minute of my people watching, so much so that I just found a seat and sat down without introducing myself to anyone or joining in any conversations. It was fascinating to me.
And as I thought about whether or not I was buying into the youth culture, as my speaker made me feel a little ashamed, I thought to myself, “Isn’t doing what I want to do, looking the way I want to look, about as independent and mature thinking as it gets? Shouldn’t I be allowed to do whatever I want to do with my body and hair? Is that not the point? I color my hair because I like the color of my hair. I like my boobs closer to my chin than my knees and that’s why I had them lifted, more than once. If that makes me happy and gave me more confidence, then what is the issue? Being able to do exactly what we want with our own bodies is what our freedom is all about, right?
Shaming women who want to color their hair or have plastic surgery is no better than holding negative opinions about women who do not. Ageism isn’t about the color of hair: ageism is about discrimination based on age. What I was seeing in that room was the power and vitality of women over 50. I was “studying” a room full of smart, diverse, intelligent women from all walks of life who are more than their looks, but who have earned the right to look just the way they want. So stop the shaming. Embrace the differences that make us all unique, even if they come in a bottle!
Honestly, in my opinion, it is such a waste of time to talk about a woman’s looks when there is so much more to each and every one of us.
Read MoreI am not very political. I try to be informed, but I can’t say I’m even that all the time. I have strong opinions about many subjects, but until a couple of years ago, I vacillated on many issues that face our world. I am no longer that woman. You may have similar feelings. But I do know this for sure: unless we women tell our stories to those young women around us, we will have missed an opportunity. We can only help to make the world a better place for our daughters and grand-daughters if we let them know what it was like to be a woman in the 50s, 60s, 70s, and beyond. And, the only way to do that is to talk, to tell them about our lives. You must pass down your wisdom to the women around you.
We have all had them: we all have had experiences in which we were treated unfairly. We all have had experiences in which we were not paid as much as the men we were working with side by side. Many of us know how it feels to have a man make an unwanted advance toward us and not have anyone to report it to. Sadly, these are universal experiences for many of us women and if we keep all of that to ourselves when we leave this world, then shame on us. Shame on us for not letting young women know what it was like then so they can change it now. Shame on us for not telling our stories so other women can find the passion to right those wrongs. Shame on us for keeping them in the dark and not allowing our stories to help effect change.
The young women in your life undoubtedly love and respect you. So why would you not let them into your life as a young woman many years ago and let them know that it was not always that great and not that fair and that you are maybe seeing some of the same monsters rearing their ugly heads today?
OK, that’s all of my “I Am Woman Hear Me Roar” rant. Pass down your stories!
How would you like to see things change for the women in your lives? Do you think that can happen?
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I have the opportunity to talk with single women 50+ often about their lives and what isn’t working for them. It can get a little heavy. But this weekend I was reminded to suck up all the joy I can find in life! No matter what you have been through or what obstacles you are facing, you have the opoortunity to feel some happiness each and every day and if you fail to allow it to lift your spirit, then shame on you.
Let’s face it, there are daily challenges for everyone. Then, add the number of years we all have under our “belts” and the little aches and pains that come with those years. OK, keep piling it on. Sprinkle in some divorce, death and financial issues and you may as well just lay in bed and wither away. It can all be too much. So much, in fact, that you might be unaware that you have become a Debbie Downer. You might not know that your negative outlook on life now and in the future is weighing you down figuratively and in my case, literally.
So how do you turn things around? How do you start to suck up all the joy you can find?
1. Start small: The sun is shining, yay. It is Pumpkin Latte season, hoorah. You catch my drift.
2. Be thoughtful about your joy: Purposefully add in some happiness, whether it is buying some flowers at the grocery for your bedroom or cleaning your kitchen junk drawer, do something each day that makes you feel good.
3. Plan, plan, plan: If you are coming up on some tough times, plan some good to mix in with the bad for some balance.
4. Create your own fun: You can’t always expect others to entertain you. So you always have to be willing to plan your own fun, whatever that might look like. Whether it is a painting class or going to a movie, if you are just waiting for someone else to make things happen, you will be disappointed.
Here is what triggered me to write about joy today:
Saturday night I was looking forward to Sunday: I did not have one thing on the calendar for Sunday. I was thrilled. Then, my phone rang and it was my son letting me know that his wife’s water just broke and they would be going to the hospital that night. My first grandchild. I was over the moon. I had to decide whether to sit by the phone on Sunday in my jammies awaiting the news, or get myself there. Expensive? Yes. A difficult day of travel? Absolutely. Leave the house early in teh morning, from the dog off, get to the airport, hospital, hospital, hospital, back to the airport, arrive home at 1:00 a.m. on a Sunday night.
I will never forget my day with my new grandson in my arms, and no phone call could replace the look on my son’s face when I walked into the room after the birth.
Suck up all the joy you can find.
Read MoreI can’t count the number of times I have written a post about loneliness. I think it is one of the most important factors in the lives of single women over fifty, and it is the main culprit in diminishing the quality of our lives if we let it. Some loneliness we just have to accept as part of life and growing older, but if you pay attention to the signs of loneliness and what is causing it for you there is a way to manage it.
Webster’s Dictionary defines loneliness as being without company. That’s alone in my book, not loneliness. Or sad from being alone. Nope, that’s not it either. Then it goes on to extend the definition as producing sadness and bleakness. Now that is closer. But I think I have come up with an explanation for my own lonely times that is helping me learn to better cope.
You need to know this, I love being alone. I always have. It might stem from my being an only child, a child who probably had more privacy than my friends who had three or four or five children in the family. As soon as I graduated from college, I got my own apartment. This doesn’t mean that I don’t like people, I do. As a matter of fact, I am super social. I love to be around lots of people. At the same time, I love reading and knitting and watching television alone. I can entertain myself for hours and days and weeks. Having time alone is awesome.
I am happy to be alone until it hits me that my children and friends are having fun without me! I am talking about holidays or long weekends traveling: when I think everyone is out having fun and I am not I get lonely. I feel left out and I feel sad. So I believe loneliness is not just being alone, it is being alone and missing something. Missing out. Missing something that you used to have or do. I was talking with a woman yesterday who told me that since her partner died she is so lonely. I get that: she had one life that she enjoyed and now that is gone and she misses it. Loneliness is in the missing.
One of the loneliest feelings for me is when my adult children are with their dad, now that I am divorced. It is not that I think they are having more fun with him than they are with me (don’t worry, they are not). It is the feeling that my time with them is cut in half, that I don’t get the whole holiday or visit. Just my part of it. Hate it hate it hate it and that is probably the loneliest feeling in the world.
So what can I do to combat the lonely times in my life? What can you do? First, plan ahead. Thanksgiving comes around every year and this year will be no exception. Get ready for it. I have been planning my holiday, well probably since last year. You don’t have to go that far, but make sure you have a plan in place, whether that is a movie or a Turkey Trot or dinner with friends. Never ever think that you can just ride it out with a good book and a bottle (did I say bottle? I meant glass) of something. You will end up more depressed and feel more alone than you did before. I have three holiday weekends that make me come unglued: Martin Luther King Day, President’s Day and Labor Day. Two are freezing and dark and one signals the end of summer. I know myself and I know I need to plan for those. If I don’t I will be miserable. It doesn’t have to be fancy, just something that keeps me occupied and happy and busy.
So prepare yourself. Don’t let that monster eat you, you eat that loneliness monster!
Read MoreI talk to so many women who have been single for quite a while and would like to meet someone and maybe go on a date or two. When they ask me how I met a guy and I tell them that we met online, they nearly pass out! “Is it safe?” That is the next question 100% of the time. These are the same women who would buy a Louis Vuitton bag on eBay, the same women who will buy Cher tickets on StubHub, and they ask me if it is safe to meet someone online. Go figure. Do they think I invite a stranger to my door and greet him wearing plastic wrap? I do not. So, let me tell you how I do it and have met several very nice men, and met some big weiners, too! So online dating, what are you afraid of?
When I started looking at dating sites I was nervous. It made me feel exposed. Then I realized that I was only exposing what I chose to, and that doesn’t have to be much. I only post a few general photos and a few facts about myself and that’s it. More than that is not necessary. Do not, I repeat, do not post a photo of your cat. I know that sounds mean but I have heard that from more than a few men who are on the sites. So just be “professional” when you post your profile on any dating site. And, if you like to swing from the chandelier naked, good for you, but you might want to wait until you meet in person before you fly your freak flag!
I remember when I first had someone show some interest in me I was terrified. I hadn’t been asked on a date in about 35 years. I continued to message him back and forth for way too long then, at the end of the day, we weren’t a match and I felt like I had wasted a lot of time. If you are interested in someone and he is interested in you, a few messages back and forth ought to do it. You can plan to meet at a public place for a drink or coffee to see if this is worth pursuing for either of you. Don’t invite him back to your place. Don’t go to his place. Don’t even drive away until he is gone if you are feeling uncertain. Just use your common sense.
You need to put your big girl pants on because there is lots of rejection. Don’t get in a twist about it: that just means you are getting closer to Mr. Right. I know that’s not easy, and that it might be why you haven’t dipped your toe in the online dating pond, but if I can do it anyone can. I do not take rejection well, but I figure it’s his loss, right?
Men have told me two scenarios about meeting women online that seem universal and they don’t like it: one is that their date is interviewing for a husband and the other has to do with wanting to know about the man’s finances. They do not like this! I don’t think I would either. Before I had heard these categories I had already come up with my own answer to, “What are you looking for?” This is it: “I don’t know what I am looking for but what I can tell you is that I am not looking for a pen pal (I don’t want someone who is just into texting, and that is a thing for various reasons) and I am not looking for a husband. That seems to be succinct enough for them.
Now, after all those caveats, the best reason to begin online dating is that you just might meet someone with whom you have lots in common and have a great time together, whether or not it’s love. That’s worthwhile.
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