Embracing Change Archives · Page 7 of 20

What’s Holding You Back?

July 8, 2019

So, what’s holding you back? Do you think you’ve conquered every demon you have inside from your past? I thought so, but it seems there’s always one more to squash.

Just when I think I have far surpassed my expectations for my new single life, that little devil on my shoulder brings me back to reality, and lets me know that he’s not going away anytime soon: that there will always be remnants of a long, unhappy marriage that alter my thinking via my emotions. Here’s what happened last week:

I have a little convertible that my husband bought me as a gift about 18 years ago. It was expensive: not something I would ever be able to afford now. I loved that car, but it did not fit with my new lifestyle: I couldn’t put a bike rack on it and I ride my bike a lot. And, if there was so much as a flake of snow on the ground I wasn’t going anywhere until the roads were clear. And, of course, it only had two seats.

I’ve needed to replace the vehicle, but my finances are so different from what they were before, and while I am not a totally material girl, I don’t mind admitting that I like nice things. I started to look but didn’t find anything that fit the bill. Then it happened: the clouds opened up to sunlight and the angels started singing and I found my a-little-less-than-new car. Worry set in that I couldn’t afford it, so I went to the dealership and they worked up the numbers and I walked out with a car. Hooray for me!

I honestly had no idea that my old car represented so much to me, but it did. It was holding me back. It was no different from the feeling I had when I was looking for an apartment prior to leaving my husband: the apartments all looked like the ones I had in college and I just couldn’t face the feeling of defeat. But when I walked into my one-room loft downtown I fell in love. I didn’t have to settle for less, I just had to find something that was me. It was the same with the car. Just because I have less money to spend doesn’t have to hold me back from, well, anything!

I learned a couple of lessons buying this new car. First, I created a solution to a situation that was causing me to feel grouchy, even though it was just a silly car. It was what the car represented that mattered. And, second, the way I was feeling about that car was holding me back. I had no idea. Crazy, right?

Now, I realize that there are lots of little things in my life that might be holding me back, that I don’t change, yet I don’t feel good about either. That realization, in my opinion, is huge. I can tell already that I am full of the most minute instances in which I am holding myself back.

I know, this doesn’t sound like much, but it has made a huge difference in the way I am looking at myself and my life and my past. And, the car can represent anything: a wedding ring, your mother’s furniture, even the house that you got in the divorce that is crumbling around you. All of this baggage, from my car to your house, has an effect on our outlooks. And, just by changing the roles of those “things” in your life, you can change everything.

I hope you will take this post and use it to motivate you to think about the things that hold you back. They can be big or small, but no matter the size, they can be critical to your outlook. I think what I am saying is Happy Independence Day!

Don’t Tell ‘Em!

July 1, 2019

If you have ever had a baby, I’m sure you had the thought, “Why didn’t anyone tell me what it would be like?” It felt like there were all these secrets that no one ever passed down, maybe because they were too gross and telling the truth about childbirth wasn’t going to make it hurt less, right?

Fast forward to today, a time when I can’t even remember what childbirth was like and don’t feel the need to refresh my memory. Now, I have all kinds of new secrets for those young women who still have so much of their lives ahead. I’m sure they don’t want to know these!

Age Spots Everywhere: I was sitting at the pool, in the shade mind you, with my daughter-in-law one day and looked at her legs, then looked at my legs, then back at hers, etc. They were gorgeous! I thought to myself, “I wonder if she thinks all of those spots on my legs have always been there? Actually, I would like to know what any of my kids think I looked like thirty years ago. And, it’s not just the spots, it’s the whole looseness of the skin and tissue beneath. Her legs were just, well, the only word I can think to use is admirable! I guess my legs looked like that at one time but I certainly don’t have any memory of it.
Breast Elevation: This is not about just the sagging, loosely constructed breasts of a sixty-something-year-old, but about the actual line of demarcation. I bought a sports bra at Lululemon about a year ago, without trying it on: I was traveling and forgot my sports bra, and had a lot of sports to do (not really). When I got back to my room and put it on, it was, as best I can explain it, high. It just started to high. So I lifted my right breast with all my might and got it in place, then did the same to my left. That was an education for me. My sagging skin isn’t just the breasts themselves, but starts at the shoulders, thus making the actual bottom of the breast begin closer to the waist. So, this young person bra actually isn’t “deep” enough for these bad boys. Since I figured this out I force myself to wear the bra as often as possible as proof that mine aren’t lower, but by the time I get home I can wait to rip it off.
Gray or Drooping, It’s Your Call: I am going to describe this as delicately as I can, but heed my warning, don’t try this at home. A few years back I decided to try a Brazilian Wax. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about, so I did it. To say it is painful is an understatement, so I don’t know why, but I continued to do it. The only problem was this: the waxing gave me a bird’s eye view of my vagina and it too had begun to sag. A saggy vagina! No one ever mentioned that. So, I guess it is still the same distance from the breast elevation as discussed previously, but you have got to be kidding me. We can’t catch a break! I thought maybe it would be better not to see it, but guess what, now the hair is gray. So I either have a saggy, naked vag or a gray hairy one, right? Oh no, it gets worse. I had a tummy tuck a few years back and now my naked vagina is, again, no other way to describe this, tall. I have a tall, naked vagina to go with my “below the equator” breasts and spotted legs. Lovely!
Bye-Bye Chin: Young ladies, have fun allowing anyone to photograph your profile because that will end in just a few short years. Whether it’s your face or your body, it won’t be long before you will learn that from the tip of your chin to your collarbone is now a straight line. And, for me, from my breasts to my bottom is all kind of lined up as well. It’s kind of like the Mucinex Monster on commercials: it just all runs together. When I see a camera now, I stand tall facing it directly.
Growths: Finally, let’s talk about growths: any kinds of growths that just pop up on your skin. There are skin tags (super pretty and super pretty sounding, as well). There are sunspots, and some of those have some real texture to them. There are those red blood-looking spots like my Grannie used to have. I have some that are combination sunspots and skin tags (I think I should get extra points for those). And, I have some spots that the Dermatologist freezes off once a year but then I just have “freezer burn.”

I hope you are reading this with the humor that is intended. If we didn’t laugh at ourselves we might cry! And, let’s allow the younger women to go on thinking it won’t happen to them. Why ruin their day?

Throwback Thursday

June 13, 2019

Goodbye Marriage, Hello New Adventure

Original Post: November 2015

After thirty years of marriage, I find myself coming to the end of holy matrimony. I have to say, on one hand, I would have never thought this could happen to me in a million years and on the other hand… I knew at the wedding that something was off. Now it is goodbye marriage, hello new adventure.

My soon to be former husband (SBFH) wanted the house. After all, it sits on his prized golf course like a great big penis: as long as he has that house he is the man. So, I found an apartment, moved out one weekday and here I am in a one-room loft with my dog. I have been here for three months and I love it. I feel content and safe and at ease, without the stomach ache I had every day for the last, oh I don’t know, 15 years. I feel good in my own skin. And the longer I am in my new life, the more excited I get about my future.

I would love it if you would stick with me in this chapter of my life: it is going to be a blast!

Paula

The New Normal

May 27, 2019

Last night I got home from book club, walked the dog, put my jammies on and hopped in bed to read a little and watch some housewives yell at each other! Regular night: quiet, enjoyable, alone. The way my bedtimes have been for nearly four years since I left my husband.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I cried every night for about the first year. I just couldn’t believe that my life was taking this twist, although looking back, there had never been any other way for it to end. It was, of course, destined to come to an end.

I have become more and more accustomed to my life as a single woman over sixty. It was a slow process, but I slowly had fewer nights in tears and began to have some positive moments. Bedtime, however, was always the dreaded misery hour: when I was faced with thinking about where I was in my life, missing my family, missing being a married mother of three, missing the life that I had planned for myself and my children. Every night I prayed the same prayer, to anyone who was listening, “Please take this man off my mind, out of my heart and out of my life.”

Fast forward to the present and my prayers were answered. It took a long time for me to know that I could do it, I could be single and over sixty. And, it took even longer for me to get to the point where I knew my life would be better. I just couldn’t see it for so long.

So, here is my new normal. I am happy and healthy. My life is probably the best it has been, ever, with the exception of every minute spent with my children. And, they now know me as the woman I was meant to be, a happy woman, a woman they had never known before.

What does your new normal look like? Are you happy with it or does it need some tweaking? Make it a life you can be proud of!

Confidence is Sexy! 5 Steps to Help You Feel More Confident

May 20, 2019

As a single woman over sixty, I am keenly aware that it’s often tough to feel confident. After all, we live in a world that equates beauty and talent with youth. And, as we age, it’s easy to buy into that narrative. But I am here to tell you that believing in that way of thinking erodes our confidence and confidence it hot! Confidence is youthful! Confidence is sexy!

So here are five ways to improve that confident feeling.

Smile: That’s it, just smile. Look happy. Look like you are enjoying your life. Look like you are important to the world. Look like you know a huge secret, not like you are exhausted. Let’s face it, as our faces age those lines can make us look a little cranky before our feet even hit the ground as we get out of bed, so unless you are consciously working on having a happy expression, you might look cross, and who wants to engage with that? A happy expression is the fountain of youth. And, if you don’t feel like smiling, smile anyway.
Move with a purpose: Someone who is moving with purpose is going somewhere, right? That woman is part of the world and part of life and is important. That is a woman who has vitality. So, who would you rather spend time with, the woman who drags herself down the sidewalk or the woman who wants to get where she is going? Make your steps have a purpose.
Wear what makes you feel good about yourself: This is a big one so let me ask you this: what makes you feel better, an outfit that you are tugging on all night or one that makes you feel like you look your best? This isn’t about weight, or how much you spend or what’s in style. This is about meeting yourself where ever you are and wearing clothing to match. If you need a bigger size, get it. If your heels are too high and you can’t walk in them, chuck them. You aren’t looking and feeling your best by wearing them.
Have joy: Joy is the ultimate confidence builder. When you are feeling joyous, you are exuding confidence. Your joy is infectious. It makes others want to be around you. It makes you fun. Not feeling joy? Just fake it until you do.
Stay relevant: Know what’s going on around you. Be interested. Be active. Confidence comes from being able to hold your own in any group situation.

You need to know that when you put these five pieces into action, you will attract attention. I guarantee it. People enjoy spending time with confident women because they are interesting and fun. They bring something to the table. And why wouldn’t you be confident? You have slain the dragons, you have lived and are still living a full life. You have done it all and now you continue to grow and evolve with confidence.

So, when you are smiling and joyous, when you are well informed and moving with a purpose, and when you look comfortable in your own skin, you will exude confidence. And, confidence is sexy!

Embracing Change