Embracing Change
I have written about this topic ad nauseum, but here it comes again: Labor Day weekend is coming up next week and it is my least favorite holiday of the year. Yuck! It signals the end of the summer, the beginning of the busy fall season and worse, it’s usually not a weekend for which I make plans. But that changed a couple of years ago.
I had nothing happening for the long weekend and had no worries about it either. I thought I would just relax and hang around my place. Well, I live downtown and downtown is a ghost town on a holiday weekend like Labor Day. So, stopping into my neighborhood pizza and beer joint was just plain sad. There no one on the street. There was no one in the hallway. There was no one, period!
I could not wait for that weekend to be over and I vowed to myself that I would never spend that weekend with no plans again. And, I’ve kept my word. I didn’t have anything going on this year so I made a plan, and that’s what I want to pass on to you; if you don’t make plans for a time when you know you may be lonely, you are not doing yourself any favors.
I went from dreading the first Monday in September to now looking forward to it and here’s what it will look like for me: I am heading to visit one of my best friends in my hometown, Cincinnati. I haven’t seen her for a while and I can’t wait to have some regular time with her, without any events to bring us together. Maybe we will go to a movie, maybe some pool time, but whatever we do, it will be fun and away from ordinary life.
So what I want to tell you is that if you have a time coming up that starts to bring you down in your thinking, then make your own plan. I am not spending much money to get away, but the feelings of anticipation are so much better than the feelings of dread the week before a weekend in which the highlight is walking my dog.
Please please please, listen to this: you have the ability to change your thinking about what’s ahead by planning it for yourself. Try it and I promise you will be glad you did.
Read MoreWould you want to spend time with… you? That’s a strange question, isn’t it? But I’m serious. The way you present yourself when you sit down for coffee at the local coffee shop or the way you introduce yourself to a possible love interest; would you look forward to hearing what you had to say? Let’s look at this.
I spend time with lots of single women over sixty and one thing I can tell you about us women, single or married, is that as we age, we get a little grouchy (the same goes for men but I don’t care about them right now). Let tell you the things we gripe about immediately when we sit down to a table of, well, anyone who will listen: the weather, the heat, the sore ankle (knee, hip, elbow, foot, shoulder, wrist, neck), what’s on the menu that causes gas, bloating, heartburn, acid reflux, diarrhea, constipation, irritable bowel syndrome, inflammation of anything, swelling of anything, insomnia, and general pain. And, we can’t stay too late because we have to get home before dark because we can’t see to drive in the dark. The humidity makes my hair frizzy. The humidity makes my hair flat. The humidity makes my feel swell. I can’t sit here at this high top because it hearts my knees. The air conditioning is blowing on my neck. It’s too cold. It’s too hot in here.
This is all before the first glass of water has been served! You think I’m kidding: I am not. I have heard every one of these complaints when women have just arrived at the table to sit down. Who wouldn’t to spend time with that? I wouldn’t. I don’t. I don’t want to spend time with that woman and I don’t want to invite her to another opportunity to waste my time with her moaning! I just don’t.
Here’s the thing, most women who hit the ground running with this dialogue don’t even know they are doing it. They just moan on and on and wonder why their phones aren’t ringing off the hook (that’s an old fashioned expression, isn’t it?) with invitations to more get togethers. Well, wonder no more, it’s because that’s not fun to be around. That isn’t happy one bit. And, why would I want to be around that again?
Guess what, everything we just said as we strolled up to the table is true. Everything does hurt and it is hot outside and our hair is a collective mess, but, no one wants to hear that. No one cares, at least no one cares right off the bat.
I don’t want to talk to that woman and neither do you and neither do any men who she is considering for a relationship. And, I am not saying we have to be fake. That’s not the message either. Here is the message: if you want to continue to be social and active, if you want people to invite you to join them for various outings, if you want to be asked on a date, you need to present yourself in a way that makes them want you around.
I am working in my Sisters Program on this very topic and I am working with a couple of clients in the WingWoman program on the same. I think it is making a difference in how these woman are being perceived and will continue to make a difference as they work on creating m ore and more relationships.
In order to remain socially active, we must each put our best foot forward. We must be women who others enjoy spending time with and with whom others want to engage.
So, for the rest of the month and into September I am going to be focusing on how we want to present ourselves to others and what we can do, how we can reframe our conversation, to make others want to spend more and more time with us. So, I go back to my original question: would you want to spend time with…you?
Read MoreI had a conversation last week with one of my closest friends about our work life, home life and what they look like moving forward. She is married, I am not. After we parted I realized something that had escaped me to this point: we honestly have many of the same issues in our 60+ lives. I truly thought that my issues were particular to single women about 60-70, and some may be, but we have many of the same thoughts rolling around in our heads.
My friend said to me, “This is a hard time of life. Everybody I know is grappling with whether or not they should make a career change or ride it out or retire or get a new job all together. She’s right. This is a complicated time in our lives and it is unexpected for me.
When I was first divorced, I guess I thought I would ride my life out as planned, creating content for single women over fifty and working with women to help them make their lives look like their visions. I love doing this and I hope I get to do it forever. But, I pay my own health insurance and maybe I should be thinking of adding another “gig” to my schedule in order to have that covered. And, I’m not sure that I wouldn’t enjoy more interaction with live human beings, since much of my “socializing” is actually online through social media.
My friend was communicating that she might like a job that was a little more fulfilling for her. Or would she? She carries the health insurance for her whole family, and wondered if that is worth sticking it out for a while. Add to that the fact that she isn’t ready to hang up her working shoes when she turns 65. How did things get this complicated.
When I was married, I was always worried about retirement for my husband. He wasn’t someone who I thought would ever retire: his only hobby was golf. The thought of him not leaving the house in the morning had me sweating bullets! And, we had nothing in common, so I can’t imagine what that would have even looked like. I always saw myself working at something forever and I always saw him working forever. I just did. That didn’t necessarily mean employment, but I don’t think I am an at-home kind of girl anymore.
But, when I became single, my outlook changed forever. Continuing to work might be a necessity rather than an option. I guess it didn’t hit me that my married friends were in the same boat. Or, might choose to be in that same boat because they aren’t ready to throw in the towel either. Some don’t feel like they have as much money as they thought they would and want to add to their nest egg. Some want to do something different. Some want to be more fulfilled for the next ten years. Whatever it is, we are all finding ourselves a little off balance and not knowing which direction to face.
So, it’s not just me who feels the pinch of being in my sixties and not knowing what should come next. And it’s not just single women over 50 who are looking forward with big question marks in their eyes. All of us girls are looking for clarity as we gaze into the future. We all wish we had a crystal ball. I Sure do!
Maybe, there will just never be a time when any of us feel settled with our plans for the future, single or not. Is that OK? Let me know what you think.
Read MoreI published this article a little over a year ago and I still get comments on it, so I thought I would repost it for you ladies. Hope it gives you some good ideas.
So, you are starting over on a new path and you are killing it! You are happy, you are fulfilled and you are living the life you have always dreamed of living. But, no matter how much you keep telling yourself how great your new life is, you are lonely. Yep, there are times when you are crushingly lonely.
For me, as my marriage of more than 30 years ended, I began moving forward with a vengeance: I was never going to look back, I told myself, and, the truth is, I didn’t. I didn’t romanticize my marriage in my head. But, the hard facts are that lots of the important family events had to be divided in two now: some with Mom and some with Dad. And, while I was prepared to share our adult children, there were times that it just brought me to my knees. I had to keep reminding myself that half of the holidays with my children now is hundreds of times better than the holidays of the past: everyone was enjoying them but me back then.
I had to come up with ways to fight off the demons that sat on my shoulders and told me how much better my life was when I was married. So I did just that: I fought them off. I don’t mean to sound flip about the heartache of loneliness in the moment. But I am suggesting that if you try to be proactive and make plans to get you through the rough patches ahead of time, you will, at least, feel proud of yourself for not just letting loneliness run you over and flatten you like a pancake.
Make a Plan
The first time I was going to be alone on Christmas morning I could see it coming. I was not going to like it one bit. I knew I would be with my adult children the rest of Christmas day, but I dreaded waking up alone and having a big pity party. So, I talked with a friend who was not busy until later in the day as well. We decided to go to a movie in the morning. It was great. I got up, I was happy. I was doing something that I love, going to a movie. And, when the movie was over, I would be coming home and having the rest of the day with the kids. By having a plan in place I was able to push through what could have been a disastrous morning.
Learn Something New
I am a pretty social person, and I do not like being alone when I think everyone else in the world is having fun without me. Where I live, college football is everything. I honestly don’t care one bit about the game itself, but I love the tailgating before. I have found that I get a little blue on those game days. Rather than sitting on the couch and feeling sorry for myself, I find that learning something new makes me feel proud of myself and productive in the moment. I have a running list of things I would like to learn more about, whether it is being better at social media or learning a new knitting stitch or figuring out how to put on false eyelashes, it makes me feel good to know that I moved the needle forward rather than boohooing. I always feel good learning new things.
Plan a Trip
Nothing, in my opinion, is more fun than planning a trip. It doesn’t need to be huge, just something that I can get excited about. The planning is the best part of the trip anyway so I can spend hours figuring out where and when to go, what to see and where to stay. It takes up a lot of time and entertains me. I might plan a trip for myself or for me and my children, which makes the planning even more fun. We can communicate about what to do and where to go and it is just fun. If I am traveling alone, I keep in mind that maybe one day we might want to do this as a family.
No Commiserating if Your Goal is Conquering Loneliness
This is a hard fast rule: do not spend time with someone who is a Debbie Downer when you are already going down that sadsack rabbit hole. All that will do is bring you down more. It just isn’t a good idea, anytime, and certainly not when you are feeling blue. Save that for another day.
Eat Ice Cream
This is the most important advice I can give any woman who is feeling lonely. Eat ice cream. Eat ice cream until you can’t move! The end. It is nature’s little anti-depressant and cures your woes. Of course, I am kidding. Sadly I ate ice cream every time I was lonely or sad in my marriage. I ate a lot of ice cream. Too much and I am paying the price. But, it got me through a lot of troubled times. My point is, go easy on yourself. If treating yourself is what you need to help you move through a rough patch, have at it.
Starting your life over at any age is not an easy task, and starting over a little later in life is that much more difficult. Remember, your life is only going to get better when you take charge. I would love to hear any suggestions that have worked for you to get yourself through difficult times. Share your strategies here and you might read some new ones from other readers.
Read MoreI was out with some single friends last week and we started talking about online dating. As soon as the words came into the air each woman just kind of sank in her chair, like a deflated balloon. I feel the same way, don’t get me wrong, and I am wondering if that attitude somehow leaks through my pores and is evident to my dates? You think? Like I’m a skunk and feel danger!
So, I’ve decided to make a shift in my way of thinking and I will get back to that in a minute. First I want to tell you about a sales training I once attended back in my first life: I sold media for a number of years. The trainer said to us that we should not hold disdain for our clients. He said that while we may not be crazy about some them, they are the people who put bread on our tables and that we should think of them as such. That really hit home for me. I thought about the times when I would whine to myself because I had to call on client A or client B and wasn’t looking forward to it. After he said that I felt like maybe that came through in my body language and vocal tone.
I remember that little nugget often, especially when I’m meeting with someone for any reason and I am not super excited to see them. I try to think about what I want the outcome to be and set my mind and demeanor accordingly.
The same holds true for online dating: how can I expect to meet someone great online when my attitude about the whole thing is negative? It’s just not logical, is it? And, really, what would it be like if there was no online dating? I have met some very nice men, maybe not the right fit but some nice men, through online dating. Honestly, every single man I have met since I have been on my own has been online in some fashion, whether it has been a dating site or another social website.
Here’s the change I am going to make and I want you to think about making the change as well: I am going to face online dating with a new, positive attitude. I will have a smile on my face when I look at dating profiles, even though no one can see me.
Now let me say this, if you are not interested in dating, great. But, if it’s fear or frustration with dating sites, then give it another try. The odds of meeting someone without a dating site are about the same as winning the lottery (although show me the money any day over a date!).
Next week I will tell you about a “best practices” way of going on a first date that has worked well for me over the last couple of years.
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