Repost from 8/1/2016
One year ago, my husband pulled out of the driveway to go to work, I picked up a truck, packed everything I had room to take with me, and moved out. I was gone by the time he got home. His only text to me was, “Where should I forward your mail?”
I had lived with a stomach ache for a year prior to that. When he refused to sleep somewhere else, I moved to another room. When he refused to leave the house, I knew that it would be me who would have to make the move. It took me quite a while to get used to that idea, but once I did, I was determined to change my life. I still wake up with a stomach ache here and there, but I can handle that.
Most often, I wake up happy. I love my life. I sure didn’t think I would be here at sixty, but now I can’t believe I lived the way I did for so long. I think the biggest change that I have found in myself over the past year has been that I am actually smart. I am actually a nice person. That I actually have value at my age and there are some people who really like me. I am proud of who I am and where I am going. I’m all “Woman Hear Me Roar” about myself and I like it. Now, I may wake up tomorrow and have a big sobfest, but for now…I am happy.
One of my sons wrote me a note a few months ago telling me how proud he is of what I have accomplished in the past year and it shocked me. I really didn’t know that the kids saw that when they look at me. I thought they just saw a Mom who cries when they get here to visit and cries when they leave. The Mom they have to talk to at least once a week. Now…the pressure is on and I love it.
Read MoreDo you ever look around the room at your friends and think to yourself, “When did everyone stop trying? When did we just give up?” You know what I mean: no one is wearing make-up. No one appears to have combed their hair all day. Those walking shoes have seen way better days. And, is there a bra in the room that wasn’t around for the turn of the century? Doesn’t anyone try any more?
I am not talking about spending a lot of money, so don’t get all judgy with me. It is more about giving up than it is about being frugal. I can look around a table of women my age and see a collective “just stopped caring.” And, I get it. Many of us spent years in a work “uniform” whether it was self imposed or an actual uniform and when we finally got the opportunity to ditch what we had to wear for what we wanted to wear we did a deep dive into comfort. We stopped wearing any clothing that wasn’t jammies. We dropped our fashionable footwear for sensible shoes full time, whether going to a wedding or taking a 3 mile walk. Make-up? Why? And, our hair? Forget it.
I am all about being sensible, but turning 50 or 60 or 70 doesn’t signal a new era of not caring, or at least it shouldn’t. This is a great time to have fun with your looks: who do you have to impress? I grant you that our hair, our skin and our bodies are not at all what they used to be, but in my mind that gives us more reason to step it up a notch.
I was having this same discussion with a friend last week and as I was talking, I realized that she doesn’t wear make-up. And, she told me that she never did wear make-up, so why would she start now? But she does like fashion and it shows. I wear make-up every day of my life and always have, so for me to stop that would feel un-natural. I have always been a person who puts herself together everyday but I don’t expect everyone to be like me. However, it makes me sad to look at a friend who is energetic and alive and confident about herself on the inside, and looks nothing like that same woman on the outside.
So, I want you to think about this: does your outside represent the woman you are on the inside? If not, what’s missing? Do you wish you could look more lively on the outside but you don’t know how? Ask a friend, or, better yet, ask your daughter or son. Any one of those people will tell you in a hot second what you need to change.
I think what you might find is that when you look like you care about yourself, others are interested in learning more about you on the inside. I want you to shine as brightly on the outside as your light is in your heart. You don’t have to invest in a new wardrobe but you do have to appear to care.
Remember when you were young and interested in fashion and how your looks were such a big part of your world? It was because it mattered to you. That doesn’t have to change just because you are a single woman over 50, 60 or 70. It’s hard enough to get noticed in this youthful world so keep fighting girl!
Read MoreRepost from 3/24/2016
One Tuesday about 15 years ago the kids took off for school and I laid down for a while: I wasn’t feeling well. My husband came back to the house, which never happened, and proceeded to tell me about some bad choices he had made that affected our marriage and family. It was shocking. It stopped time. And my life was never the same. When the kids came home from school, their family had changed forever without their knowledge.
From that moment forward, I ended every phone conversation, every drop off, every walk out the door, every goodnight with “Love you.” I still say it to them every time and they say it back. I wanted to make sure that if time stopped again, those words were etched in their memories.
Now that trouble has struck me again, I have a new ritual. Every night when I go to bed I tell myself and God what I am grateful for. It may be just one thing and sometimes I have to stretch to find that one thing, but I find something. Usually I have lots of things for which to be grateful. Thank you for my phone conversation with Ryan. Thank you for keeping Kevyn safe when she was traveling. Thank you for my visit with Kyle. Thank you for the warm day. Thank you for the sun. Thank you for the one pound lost. Anything. It makes me feel better. It reminds me of all the blessings in my life.
In the morning, I give thanks for letting me wake up another day. It sounds corny, but it helps me appreciate my life.
And, when all that negative talk starts swirling around in my head; what I did right, what I did wrong, what he did to me, how bad he is, how stupid I was, I say this little prayer to myself: “God, please take this mind off of my mind and out of my heart.” That’s really the best I can do. I know there will come a day when I say that and hear in my head…done.
Read MoreI know I know I know, last week I wrote a post about giving yourself a break and allowing yourself to drop out of a couple of commitments in order to not feel weighed down but what you “should” do. And, I stand by that: it can lighten your mood tremendously. However, what I am talking about today is showing up fully for your life.
I was thinking about a friend of mine this week. She walks into every room like she is making a grand stage entrance. When she hugs you, you know you’ve been hugged. The woman seems to do everything, absolutely everything, at 100%. Whether it is working or playing, she attacks life.
I admire this quality and I want to emulate it for a couple of reasons. First, this woman is a blast to be around and I find myself looking forward to seeing her. I am happy to run into her. And, I want others to feel the same way about me, I want others to look forward to spending time with me. When I was newly single I felt lonely and isolated, then I realized that the only person who could make sure that I wasn’t lonely was me. I want to be a person who others are happy to run into.
But, showing up is more than that. Think about the times when you have had to help “host” even when the event had nothing to do with you. Maybe you were at a shower for a close friend’s daughter and you ended up being the one to entertain Grandma. That is showing up. That is what it means to show up and help ensure that the event is a success. Whether it is dinner or a party or Thanksgiving, I want to be a person who shows up. I want others to know that they can count on me to show up.
So, think about whether you are just walking through life, or are you really showing up for everything you do. If not, it’s time to change. I want you to show up for everything you do to improve your life. You will feel a fullness to your life. And, when your head hits the pillow you will feel like you have squeezed everything you could out of your day.
How do you define showing up for your life?
Read MoreRepost from 3/8/2016
It has been clear to me for a long time that I am not the same girl I used to be. I changed along the way, and I didn’t know if I was coming back.
I always felt that I was kind of fun to be around. And, I certainly thought my husband would agree. But, from the start of our marriage, I was, apparently, mistaken. I felt like “the old ball and chain,” and I knew that wasn’t me. But I must have been…right? Why else would he treat me that way?
So I would try harder and harder and harder. And, by the time I realized that I had built a fortress around myself to protect me from the heartache, the old Paula was long gone. I knew what would fix it, but I couldn’t do it.
I used to have a saying, “for a better marriage, just lower your expectations.” It worked for me but is so sad.
I can say without hesitation, I was enough. Our family was enough. Our family should have been the focus, not a distraction.
I can breathe now. While I am so sad that my marriage didn’t make it, it makes me happy to know that my children will get to know the real Mom all over again. I think they will be surprised at the me that they didn’t know existed. The happy, light-hearted, fun person who had been buried under the weight of an unhappy marriage and all the sadness that came along with that. They will get to know Paula, not just Mom. Can’t wait for that to happen.
Do you ever feel mad at yourself for committing to something that you just don’t want to do? I know you know what I mean. You just don’t have time and no one will miss you if you aren’t there, but you committed and you aren’t that person who doesn’t follow up on her commitments. Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s OK to change your mind.
Recently I found myself feeling down and I came to a major realization about why. That is a much longer story, but one of the issues I was having was that I had committed to a few things that I just didn’t want to do. Nothing big, but they were preventing me from making plans for times that seemed like they were going to be much more fun. Now, I am the girl who always shows up, even when no one else does. I am dependable. If I say I will be there I will be there. And, I know that’s a good quality.
However, that “I never let anyone down” piece of me had gone way too far. I had become too rigid. I was not enjoying myself as much as I should have been because I was actually being overly responsible (I know that sounds crazy). I was becoming a Debbie Downer within my own mind! It was just silly.
Then, within a matter of minutes, I changed my mind, and it was OK. I changed a couple of plans and I had a great evening with friends I lightened up the reigns on my dating life and found that every date doesn’t have to be over thought. It can just be a date and now I am having lots of fun again. And, I figured out that every decision I make isn’t set in stone. It was just a decision and now I am making another one. All of this has changed my life! Really!
Of course, I am not advocating ditching important commitments and loved family and friends, but I am suggesting that, if you are like me and sometimes too rigid, it might not be a bad thing to throw caution to the wind and change your plans. There is absolutely no reason not to when it comes to your happiness. Sometimes it pays to make a change.
Try it and let me know how it feels. Do you feel a little naughty? Good. Oh, by the way, the photo above is yarn and knitting needles: I canceled going to a knitting group because I didn’t have a project to work on and was feeling guilty. Problem solved!
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