Are you ready for some science and dating? In the last couple of weeks, I have come to follow a man who professes to have many of the answers when it comes to dating: I can always use a little help. Today’s email took me to this New York Times article that chronicles the author’s use of 36 questions on a date. I found her experience not only interesting but it would appear that it might have been a successful one, too.
She followed the findings of Dr. Arthur Aron and she and her date decided to take on Dr. Aron’s 36 questions. I don’t need to dissect the article and Dr. Aron’s questions, you can do that yourself, but, it looks like it isn’t a task for the faint of heart: it is a pretty extensive undertaking. I’m not saying it’s a chore, rather an investment of time into a possible relationship.
As I read the questions and imagined what it would be like to do the exercise with someone across the table, I groaned a little inside. Then I thought about whether or not a relationship is worth the time and the answer is, of course, yes. Even more worthwhile in my mind, is finding out that a relationship isn’t in the cards.
Take a look at the New York Times article then look over Dr. Aron’s questions and see what you think. The technique isn’t for everyone, but I might give it a try if I am in a position in which I need some clarity.
Let me know what you think about Dr. Aron’s method. Do you have any rituals that you go through to see if someone is right for you or if you should hit the road? Is Dr. Aron’s exercise something that you would be willing to try? Good luck with finding love if love is, in fact, what you are looking for.
Read MoreYou’ve heard the expression, “When one door closes, another one opens.” Well, it’s true. And, if you are single and 50, 60, 70 or beyond, a door has, most likely, closed in your face in a big way. You are divorced or widowed or have always been single and might wish that that hadn’t been the case. But, at some point, either a door closed or you figured out that something had come to an end.
So here we are, women who have had doors closed in our faces, some harder doors to take than others. What do we do about it? Do we lay down and feel sorry for ourselves or do we make it so that another door opens? You know the answer to that, right?
It’s hard to admit when you have lost something, maybe hardest to admit to ourselves. Accepting that a door is closed is tough. It’s over. But, you know what I am going to say here, it’s what you do with that ending that makes all the difference in how your life moves forward.
I have a friend who has been looking for a new job for probably two years. No joke, two years! Every door closed in her face and I am not telling you that she didn’t go a bit berserk over the months and months of trying: interview after interview with lots of hopeful signs, then no thank you. I spent many a Friday night after a rejection talking with her and friends about what she could do next. We all just kept saying that eventually something would happen and guess what? It just did and I have a feeling that it is going to be the best option out of all of those who didn’t want her!
What does it feel like to have a door slammed in your face? Bad. Really bad. Then I like to get mad at the slammer and I feel that is perfectly normal, right?
But then the magic happens: someone or something new and better comes along and I forget all about that evil door (aka man, job, other woman, client who says no, dress that doesn’t fit now). There is nothing like the feeling of the other door opening. Nothing. It lightens your steps, it eases your mind and you are a new woman.
Here’s what I want to tell you: another door always opens. Always. Even when the worst is happening to you, something good can come into your life and help ease your pain, whether emotional or physical, real or imagined, the pain will get better.
I want you to keep this in your mind and when a door closes this week, remember that another, I promise, will open.
Read MoreI am working on a book and here is a brief intro. I would love for you to give me your advice about being single and over 50. Let me know what you think about the book and tell me what your biggest obstacles have been. Can’t wait to hear from you.
If you are over 50 and single it’s likely that a series of events has brought you to this place: and even more likely that all of those events were not pleasant ones. Probably, life has dealt you some rotten cards along the way.
Through my website, startingoveratsixty.com, I have met and talked with so many women who are single and feel like something is missing in their lives. Life hasn’t always been kind to them and they are just a little bit sad. They want to be happier but need some help figuring out how to get there. I get it. When I first became single I felt like a deer in the headlights: I had no idea how to move forward. I was in pain, I was lonely, I had been married forever, I needed to make new friends, I lived in a new neighborhood, I didn’t know if I was going to have enough money. You name it, I was lost.
I began writing about how unhappy I was and through that writing I began to understand that the only way things would get better would be if I changed them. And, I was not going down without a fight! So I made it my mission to change my life and make it a happy one. I can honestly say that I am as happy as I have ever been and I want all of you to be living at your best level, too. I’m not a doctor. I’m not a shrink. I am not a wellness expert, but I am a woman who knows when she needs to make changes to her life and does it.
Why am I writing this book? Because I hear from so many women who are looking for ways to improve their single lives and I think I can help. I hope you find some nuggets of ideas that you will work into your own life. Let’s go!
Read MoreThis has nothing to do with being single except that I guess I am glad that no one else has to witness this horror! But, I woke up this week and what I saw was frightening. What happened to me?
Just after I awakened I raised my arms up and over my head and there it was, the inside of my arm. It was like nothing I had ever seen before. Wrinkles doesn’t even begin to describe my skin. And the way it hung from my arm was prehistoric, so much so that I had to figure out a way to take a photo because I knew no one would believe it unless they saw it with their own eyes. That’s what you are looking at in the photo, the inside of my arm.
OK, I expected my breasts to sag, and I expected my middle to grow. I knew my hair would turn gray and that my thighs would look like cottage cheese. My feet and toes can be used as weapons in case of emergency. In the winter I can use the palms of my hands as sandpaper if I am into a home project. But, the inside of my elbows? What a cruel trick to play on us girls!
The good news is, as I stated earlier, is that no one was around to see this but me. That’s the beauty of being single! After I took the photo I immediately lowered my arms and grabbed the nearest gallon jug of body lotion and began the process of, actually, making no difference whatsoever. My arms were just wet and saggy now. So, I put on what I can only call my arm “Spanx” top that sucks me in from my waist to my chin and hands, and went on my way.
It struck me that much of my time as I age is spent figuring out how to cover up, lift up and fold up many parts of my body. I hadn’t thought about that before. Now, it’s just a way of life.
Listen, I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am a lucky girl. I have no real health problems to speak of. I am in pretty good shape. I try to follow a sort-of healthy diet. I do what I can, but there is nothing I can do about the inside of my elbows.
The moral of the story is this, do what you can, but don’t think for a minute that you can prevent aging. You’ve just got to go with the flow, and laugh a lot!
Read MoreI work with single women over 50 in my WingWoman Program. I ask each woman what she wants to change in her life, and all of them tell me several areas of their lives that aren’t going well. Then, without exception, each one tells me why she can’t change things, and I am always reminded of the phrase made popular by Dr. Phil, “How’s that working for you? What you are doing right now, how’s that working for you?”
So, without saying that, I talk with them about how they can make adjustments that will get them closer to their goals, and the next phrase I hear is, “My problem is…” That one sentence is one that sends me over the top.
You say that you want to make changes, and that must be true or you wouldn’t be talking with me. However, every woman I work with holds on tight to who she is now, without putting any work into moving toward what she wants.
So, do we really want to change the direction of our lives for the better, or do we want something to complain about? Do we want to hold on to those very actions that are keeping us from what we “say” we want? I don’t know the answers to those questions, but I do know that if you change your actions, you can change the direction of your life.
Now, if I am working with someone who says she wants to make new friends who have some similar interests, I might suggest that she look into joining a meetup group. When the excuse on the other end is, “Well, they meet on Saturday mornings and that’s when I go to the grocery because it is the only time I can do that,” I hit her with good old Dr. Phil. And, honestly, if I get pushback, I know that the changes are all talk.
A few months ago I felt like I was just so unhappy. I was depressed. I cried all the time. I wasn’t motivated to do anything. I was miserable. I knew I had to make some plans to move myself forward and away from the doldrums. Not just talk about it but actually get into action. And I did and it worked and I am a new woman from the actions I took!
So, if you are wishing you could make some changes, stop the excuses for why you can’t make them happen and remember Dr. Phil. “What you are doing now, how’s it working for you?”
Read MoreAre you choking right now? Laughing? Crying? Well, stop it because I am serious: I have never felt sexier. At 63 I might be in my prime, as sad as that might sound to some of you.
I can honestly say that I haven’t felt sexy for maybe thirty years. Let’s face it, when your marriage is bad the word sexy doesn’t even exist. Add to that the stream of women in my husband’s life during our marriage, ending with someone much younger than I am (and yes I am aware that younger isn’t always better) and you get the drift. It chipped away at me until there was nothing left.
Even after I became single, I now realize, I carried so much of that in my head with me, that feeling that I wasn’t young therefore I wasn’t desirable or sexy. Well guess what girls, none of that was true for me and it isn’t true for you. It’s hogwash!
I am 63 years old. The only thin thing on me is my hair, which is almost all white and I’m not just talking about my head! My feet, without sandblasting, look pre-historic. My breast “base” is closer to my waist than to my shoulders. I used to have really great legs and, well, those days are over.
So why is it that I think I am sexier now than I have ever been? One word: freedom.
This year was not an easy one for me. I foolishly thought that once I was divorced I would cruise through a new and exciting life. That was partially true, but this last year presented many challenges for me. By the end of July, I was a mess: sad, lonely, depressed, feeling hopeless. You name it, it wasn’t going well around me. Then one day I told myself that I had to turn things around or continue to go down an unhappy slippery slope. So I made a conscious effort to make changes, and that helped, but I still wasn’t there.
My Friend Confronted with the Truth, Now I’ve Never Felt Sexier
Then my friend Cy said something to me that changed everything. He said, “Just have fun. What are you waiting for?” His actual words were, “What are you saving it for?” And with that I was free. He was absolutely right. I had been the keeper of the flame for family and some close friends for so long that I was miserable. I was constantly trying to be a positive role model for my children. I wanted to always be there for a very ill friend. I wanted to date but couldn’t stand to hurt anyone’s feelings if I didn’t think we were a fit so it had become a burden. Crazy, right! I wasn’t enjoying anything and he was right, when was the fun going to start for me?
So here I am, the sexiest I have ever been and loving it. And, I may not even be sexy on the outside. Don’t care. I feel alive and desirable. I feel smart. I feel accomplished. I am more interesting now. I feel independent. I feel free, and I think my newfound freedom shows in my zest for life. To me, that’s sexy!
Let me tell you something, feeling sexy, having a joie de vivre, isn’t bad. I now have a spring in my step that I had lost and I am a new girl again. Thank you, Cy.
Read More
Search through my blog posts