One night about four years ago I was absolutely miserable. That’s it, just pure misery from head to toe. I had left my husband after more than 30 years of marriage, it was below zero outside and I was as lonely as I could be. I sat on my sofa and just started typing about those feelings and as I did, the words came pouring out of my fingertips. That really is how it felt. That’s how Starting OVer at Sixty was born.
Since that time I have loved writing about what being single and over sixty is like for me; the good, the bad and the ugly. Some of my posts have been written from the edge, for sure, and some have been offered with great enthusiasm. Sometimes the world has been my oyster and other times I was sure the sky was falling: many of you were right there with me from the comments.
Since that time my life has changed a hundred times: good, bad, good, sideways, bad, backward, good, bad and back to neutral. Sound familiar? When I write to you I always try to be open and honest. I want you to feel like you’re listening to a friend when you read Starting Over at Sixty.
Recently a friend let me know that she went back to the beginning of Starting Over at Sixty and read forward: she commented on how she felt like it reflected where I was then and where I am now and the evolution that it represents. Yay for that!
So, no matter where you are as a single woman over sixty, I hope you get encouragement from the site. Go back and “find” yourself in the archives: chances are if you’re feeling it, you will find a post about it.
Thank You!
And, thank you. Thank you for following Starting Over at Sixty over these last four years. You will continue to read about the highs and lows of being single in this phase of life, and again, the good and the bad. There is so much for us to look forward to and so much yet to discover so let’s do it together!
As always, please let me know if there is something you would like to see in Starting Over at Sixty. I want you to feel like this is home, a place to find community. I may be the creator of the site, but you are where the communication occurs.
Stay safe and stay healthy!
Read MoreIt appears that the lockdown that we’ve been living in for the past several weeks will soon be changing and our lives will once again shift. I, for one, am ready! And, as we plan for the weeks and months ahead, it is a great time to re-evaluate: it is a great time to reset life.
I’m feeling a little like I do when I am coming up to a new year: I want to make plans for the things that I haven’t been able to do lately. But the lockdown has taught me a few things about myself that I want to remember as I make plans for the future.
Social Butterfly or a Loner?
I am a social butterfly and I like to be around people. I always thought of myself as someone who loves to be alone, and I do. Reading and knitting and watching TV all favorite activities, but I enjoy that within a life that includes lots of other time with people. You might say I thrive on social interaction, but I had no idea how much I did until I, someone who lives solo, was locked down.
What this social distancing has taught me is that I like to spend time alone when I am living a super busy, super socially connected life (oh, of course, I do!). When I am surrounded by people and commitments, I love time alone. But when the party is over and alone is all there is, not so much.
Now, with that knowledge (it’s only taken me 64 years to get a good handle on that one) I will move forward in a different way than I have in years past. I really understand that in order for me to be happy alone I need to have that social element integrated into my life as well. Without it, I’m just lonely. As I have time to reset life, I want to keep that knowledge top of mind. I only wish I had figured it out about thirty years ago: it would have saved me a lot of difficulties.
Adversity or Inconvenience?
About ten days into social distancing, I had a meltdown. I was talking with a friend on the phone after a long lonely weekend and with tears in my eyes said, “I don’t think I can do this!” Of course, I did do it, and I got better at it. But I am ashamed to think that just because I had to be alone for a while, even a long while, I was falling apart.
Get a hold of yourself, Paula. Staying at home for several weeks has been an inconvenience, but I didn’t get the disease. I haven’t had a loved one pass away. That’s adversity. While it took me a while to turn my thinking around, I was no more than inconvenienced. When I changed my attitude from boo-hoo to oh-well, I began to enjoy the time I had alone. Adversity or inconvenience? It’s how I frame things in my mind that dictates how I react to them. Lesson learned.
Change Moving Forward?
After all this, how will I change moving forward? How will you change moving forward? What will I do with this time to reset my life? What will you do?
Of course, I can’t wait to squeeze my children! But attitude-wise, I want to be more mindful of how lucky I am that no one in my family and close-friend world got sick.
And, I want to take the lessons I learned about myself and my love of social situations and incorporate them into my everyday life in a healthy and balanced way. It’s about balance. I need to balance my life by including both a busy schedule and downtime. And, I want to do that both in my personal life and my “outside” life. That will be the best way to maintain a happy, healthy daily emotional balance.
Now it’s your turn. What have you learned about yourself during sheltering in place that you will carry over into your regular life? What will you do differently? And what did you really enjoy while you were at home?
Stay safe and healthy!
Read MoreIn this crazy time, I never know which Paula I am going to be when I awaken: Scared to Death Paula,, Oh Well We Will Get Through This Paula, When I Get It and I Have to Call the Squad How Will They Get Into the Building Paula, or the I’ll Just Use This Time to Learn a New Skill Paula. Really, I have no idea how I am going to feel when I wake up each morning. There have been mornings that as soon as I know where I am my stomach starts to roll with fear. Other days my brain seems to embrace where we are and I feel steadfast and determined and patriotic. But I never ever know what it will be until I begin to feel conscious at dawn.
When I am talking with people over the phone or in a Zoom meeting or Facetime call, and they ask me how I am doing or how I am feeling, I have no answer. I can’t be the only one. My feelings are all over the place and they change daily from hopeful to depressed to anxious then back to hopeful.
I can’t imagine that I am the only one feeling uncertain every night as to what my emotions will be the next day. And that lack of control over myself and my life is driving me crazy. How about you? While I try to get control over my life, that very lack of control sends me into a spin again.
The only thing I can say to you is that I hope you wake up in a better place tomorrow than you did today, and that life continues that way for you during this 2020 pandemic. Things are uncertain and they will be for a while. Here’s the good news: we are strong, seasoned women. We have been through a lot. We are all survivors and will come out on the other side just fine. I know it’s hard not to have control over the direction your life is heading right now, but it will pass. Stay safe and stay healthy.
Read MoreWhile we have watched and heard and read about ways to entertain ourselves during social distancing and sheltering in place, I want to remind you, Starting Over at Sixty followers, that we’re ready for this. We know how to live alone and how to overcome loneliness and isolation and that’s how we can help others: we can let them know that it’s not only possible to live alone for a while, but difficulties can be sidestepped.
Last time I talked about things you can do to fill the time alone, but now it’s time to talk about emotions: let’s talk about how to deal with real feelings of isolation and mental diversions we can use. This is where the rubber meets the road. This is where we separate the women from the girls. This is how we can make it through successfully versus muddling through. Take a look:
Allow Yourself the Lows
When you are spending lots of time alone, like now, it’s easy to let yourself get down, it’s easy to sink. And, when you are in that place the spiral can take on a life of its own. At least it can for me. So, I’ve tried a tactic with myself: I allow myself to wallow in it for the day, but I make myself have a plan for the following day. That way, I don’t feel guilty about the bad day, and can look forward to the good day. I make plans, even if I don’t have any. It doesn’t matter whether it is cleaning out a drawer or going for a walk or finishing a book, I just need to accomplish something to bring myself out of my pity party. Try it during this time of isolation.
Reach Out to Others
OK, I live alone, I feel isolated and there’s no place to go. Now, it’s not just me, it ‘s everyone. So, just because I’m alone doesn’t mean that I can’t do for others. I have been reaching out to those people who I know are alone, maybe even more alone than I am. It takes one minute. That’s it. I know that I have been the recipient of people reaching to me and including me in conversations, and I can do the same. It’s a cure for loneliness, reaching out to others.
Change It Up
It’s certain that you will feel a lack of accomplishment if you do the same thing everyday. Especially while we are distant, make sure to change up your routine, even if it is making something different for lunch! That’s all it takes, just a little alteration to normal life. Now that your calendar is blank, you can make your own “appointments.” Today, my calendar has “set up tripod for virtual piano lessons.” I know it’s silly, but it makes me feel like I have an actual schedule during this social isolation time.
So, these are my tricks for beating isolation. We single women over sixty already have this in the bag. We know how to make it work and how to make it better. What are you doing for distractions?
Stay Safe and Stay Healthy!
Read MoreIf you haven’t heard enough Coronavirus woes everywhere you look and listen and watch, I will give you more right here (I didn’t want to be left out of the fun!). For most of us single women over sixty, self-distancing means one thing: we are alone. For whatever the time period is, whether it’s a weekend, a couple of weeks or longer, we are alone. And, that alone time can turn to isolation and loneliness quickly. I can’t make that better, but I do have a couple of tips that are helping me through this time.
Turn It Off
If you have the television on a news channel all day, and you are looking at every alert that pops up on your phone and you are on Facebook reading what your friends say about the grocery store, you will go mad! How does that help? Turn it off! You can check in to all of your sources every once in a while, but if you have it on constantly your anxiety level will escalate. Be informed, but don’t overdo it. Everything that comes across isn’t factual and isn’t going to help you in your own life so just check in once in a while, don’t make it your 24/7 way of life.
Don’t Look at Your 401K
Of course, you should know what you have. But, I decided that I am not going to look at my savings until things have become less volatile. what is the point? I am worried, certainly, but there is nothing I can do about it right now and I have no idea what things will look like in six months. It’s not easy, I know, and it doesn’ mean I am not paying attention, but I know my savings isn’t what it was even a few weeks ago. I have decided to put that on the backburner of worries right now. There are things I can control right now, and that is not one of them.
Watch What You are Eating
Doesn’t that sound crazy? But, I noticed that the items I had picked up at the grocery were things I never keep in my place: crackers, peanut butter and ramen noodles are not on the menu at Chez Paula, but for some reason, that’s what I bought, and started to eat. By the time the crisis is lifted, I will be self-distancing because my stomach will have grown! I went back to the grocery today and bought salad and vegetables. I don’t know why I thought from this point forward I could only eat food sealed in cardboard boxes! And there was plenty of produce. Eat that now and save the noodles for later.
Take a Walk
My friend said this to me last night: if you are uncomfortable about going to the gym and you are getting cabin fever, you can at least take a walk. Good advice. Get a little fresh air to clear the cobwebs off if you are stuck in the house for too long.
Stay Connected
This is most important: stay connected to the outside world, not just with Hoda and Savannah, but with real people. Talk with friends on the phone rather than texting so it feels more real. Make sure to check on other people you know who live alone. And, let your buddies know that you would love a call here and there too. It will make a big difference in breaking up your day during this uncertain time.
Stay Safe and Healthy!
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