I have been faced with my own prejudice over the last few weeks, my own antiquated mindset, and here it is: I believed that my married friends were happier than I was, or that being married equals happiness. Ugh! I hate to admit it because I know that being married isn’t always better. But the thought is right there in my brain hiding behind the “carbs aren’t that bad,” and the “I still look forty” myths that I tell myself.
I have had the opportunity to get together with lots of friends over the last month (I think we all hunker down after the holidays until cabin fever sets in and we emerge out of hibernation). As we’ve chatted I have been made aware of my feelings that my married friends don’t have problems, that they don’t share the same issues as I do, and of course, that isn’t true. We are all women over 50 or 60 or 70 and we all have relationship issues, we all face health concern
Do You Romanticize Marriage?
But I definitely have a romanticized version of their lives in my head. I had a romanticized version of my own life in my head, while I was actually living an anything-but-romantic life when I was married. And, these are not women complaining about their marriages or who are unhappy in their marriages. They are simply women, who, I had forgotten, need support from
While this time of life is supposed to be full of joy as we move into a “new frontier,” it is also a rough transition, no matter what your marital status. I don’t know anyone, male or female, that isn’t dealing with challenges related to aging. And, my married sisters are no different. My married sisters may even need me, and you, more because they need someone to confide in, they need someone they can trust when opening up about what is happening in their lives.
So, while I am facing my own prejudices, do you think you view your married counterparts as happier? Do you see them as not needing friendship and support? It’s time for you and me to change those thoughts.
Read MoreOn the outside, I think I sometimes look like I have it all, like I have conquered getting divorced at 62 and being forced to change my life and lifestyle. “Mrs. Harer, you seem
Most mornings I wake up in a cold sweat, with my brain screaming at me, “Here I am, alone, for possibly the rest of my life, which I hope lasts for at least 30 more years. What should I do about A, B or C? Do I have enough money for D? What is going to happen if I get sick? What am I going to have for dinner? If a tree (me) falls in the woods (down the stairs in my condo) and no one is there to hear it does it make a sound (will anyone notice that I have been missing in action)? How will I manage E? Is startingoveratsixty.com going to make it? Is it a good idea? Can I afford to take the kids on a family vacation to F? Will I ever fall in love again? Did I remember to feed Red last night? Will I be single forever or will my life be different in 5, 10, 15 years? Is this my final chapter?” And, that’s just in the first two minutes that my eyes are open! Sound familiar?
Certainly, when I was married I had tons of things to worry about, but, though I was in an unhappy marriage, I had an underlying expectation about how things were going to go: whatever was going to happen, it would happen two-by-two. My family structure would be the same. Now, I feel a little bit like I am floating through life: there are no real touchpoints, outside of my children and grandson, where I feel grounded. I’m a floater.
What is it that makes me so fearful underneath my skin? What is it that prevents me from feeling like I’m
What I know about myself is that I have too much of that stomach-churning fear-tension, and I am trying to spank my own hand when it’s clearly over the top. You know yourself well enough to know whether or not you are rational with your concerns about the future. If you aren’t sure whether your fears are rational or not, break them down. Often, I find that I am worried about something that wasn’t even an issue, like worrying if the snow will prevent you from driving without looking out the window: it’s not based on reality until you know the snow is actually there.
Let’s take a look:
1. If you are worried about money, figure out if you need to be. I often start worrying about money in the middle of the night then get up, look at my bank account and find out that I had nothing to worry about, that I just let my mind wander for no good reason. If you are worried about retirement and money, talk with a financial planner who can tell you exactly what you have and what you need.
2. Worried about your health? Make an appointment with your physician. None of us has a guarantee about our future health, but we can each do our part to improve our chances for continued good health. If you do have health issues, of course, you are worried. You should be and I am sorry that it’s happening to you. The best thing you can do is follow doctor’s orders and be as proactive as possible. I am a big believer that the more you know about your health the more you will feel like a part of your body’s board of directors.
3. The love thing is tricky, I’ll be the first to admit it. That is the great unknown, for sure. I can only give you my take on it. If you are looking for romance, watching romantic comedies on TV isn’t how to do it! I hear from so many people who say to me, “I hate online dating.” Well, guess what, no one likes it. I have never heard anyone, man or woman, say they love online dating sites. But, it is the way of the world. If you have been able to meet a man without a dating site, you are a rockstar! If you do want to add some romance into your life, you need to change your tune about online dating. I do not enjoy it one bit, but I can honestly say that I have met a few very nice men that way, even if we weren’t a fit. I’m not even sure I could fall in love again, but I hope I can someday. Yes, yes, yes I have met a lot of frogs as well. But I try to be open-minded about it. If you say no to online dating, you need to get several cats and focus on them! Ha!
4. Finally, the one topic that I always worry over is my past mistakes. I absolutely hate to tell you that, but it is true. I ruminate over how I got here, and how I got there, and why did I make such poor decisions in my past. This is the most maddening worry because it’s something that I have no control over, yet it uses up lots of my worry time! I hate, hate, hate it! So, when I’m in bed and focusing on the past, I try to switch up my thinking. That’s right, I force myself to change my thought. Like I start to think about ice cream! It doesn’t work every time, but it works once in a while (however, I am eating way too much ice cream).
That’s it. Those are most of the things that I fear and worry about ad nauseam in bed. I try to resolve them by taking action on the topics sometime during the day, so they don’t visit me again the next night. I just hate to spend any of my time fretting over the same worries over and over, and I hate for you to do the same.
Let me know what fears you face when you hit-the-hay and again when you wake up. Can you make some changes to alleviate some of those worries? Do
If you’re someone who makes resolutions each year, I’m impressed. It just doesn’t happen for me, other than what I call the triple crown (lose weight, eat better, exercise more). I know myself and know that I will fall short, and the disappointment is more than I can manage. But, if you do make resolutions, this might be the time of year that you realize that you have already failed, you have already fallen off the wagon of your choice. It’s over.
Well the truth is that it isn’t over. And, rather than give up, use this time to right the ship and get yourself back on track. Here’s how:
- Ease into it. You may have failed because youdecided to work out more so you went to the gym 10 days in a row and you were exhausted and gave up. Nobody can go to the gym day after day without feeling worn out. You can’t expect to go from the couch to a marithon in three weeks. If you want to change you sedentary ways, do it gradually. Try one hour in week one, add another the second week and a third then following week. You are much more likely to stick with it if you change gradually.
- Have reasonable expectations. Did you think that eating better meant that you would never crave sugar again? Of course not. Eating better might start with clearing your refrigerator of desserts. Or you could say goodbye to bread. After a while you can add in another food group to avoid. Not everyone can eliminate all carbohydrates completely on day one, but that is no reason to give up hope.
- Be patient. If you made a resolution to lose weight and you are quitting because you have only lost two pounds, that’s two pounds. Maybe it isn’t 10, but you can lose two more next month, then two more the next, etc. In a year that would equal 24 pounds, and that sounds like a lot to me.
If you made a resolution to floss your teeth every night and you haven’t been following through, start. Did you resolve to make your bed every morning, then make it three days each week for a while. The point is that you move yourself forward. That’s all. You want to make yourself better at the end of this year than you were at the end of last year. That’s really all you want to do, right? You want to be a better person by 2020. You can be, if you don’t stop trying.
We all know that most New Year’s resolutions flop. But that’s because we almost give up before we start. Remember, you haven’t failed at anything until you give up all together. Until you throw in the towel, you are still working on it. Stay in the game and you will find success sooner or later.
Did you make some resolutions that you haven’t kept? Are you willing to take them up again? Let me know. I look forward to hearing from you.
Read MoreThere are plenty of things that I don’t love about being single since my marriage of more than thirty years ended: it can often be a very lonely life. I sometimes wish I had someone to talk with about ideas or plans or family issues. I wouldn’t mind having another body in my house to do a chore or two (not that I ever had that kind of help when I was married!). And, it’s not that great to watch the Academy Awards by myself (My dog, Red, hasn’t seen any of the movies. Haha!).
But, when I find that I am feeling sorry for myself about being single, I have to remind myself about all of the things that are really great about being single at this stage of my life.
Here are a few:
It’s dinner time and I have nothing in the fridge. No worries. There is a bag of popcorn and a half gallon of ice-cream at my fingertips!
Let’s see, I have no plans to go anywhere today so I think I will brush my teeth. That’s it. Yoga pants, sweatshirt, brushed teeth. Then, when I go to bed, I will brush my teeth again.
There is not a sports event of any kind on
I have a pink sofa. That’s right, my living room has a pink sofa in it. My bed has a pink blanket on it. I have some new dishes that are pink. I get to be a girl and decorated my new abode for me and me alone. While it isn’t a very frilly place, it is clear that a girl lives here and I love it. Everything is bright and cheery and just a little girly.
If there is a pile of clothes on the floor, it’s my pile. If there are dishes in the sink, they are mine. Honestly, my place is always clean, something I have never experienced. I had only heard tell of a land where the homes remained clean for more than a day.
Let me add the fact that I get all the closet space and all the bathroom counter space. And, I don’t go to sleep with the sports on in the background.
Listen, I thought I would be married forever and I will always regret that it didn’t happen, mostly for my children. But, I’ve learned to celebrate the pieces of my life that I really enjoy, and there are plenty of those.
What do you like about being single and over 50? There is so much life to enjoy during this act of
Do you ever have one of those days when you just feel unlucky: the dog tinkled at the back door, you forgot your umbrella in the pouring rain and you missed your exit because some weiner in the car next to you wouldn’t give you a break? It’s enough to make you drag yourself home at the end of the day and put on your jammies and open up a box of Girl Scout Cookies and binge-watch some Housewives, right? It is an Unlucky day.
I had one of those days last week. At the end of the busy day, I made a quick stop in the grocery store and it started to rain sideways. I had a full cart and the wind blew my hat off and away into the next row of cars. I had to run after it while my cart began to roll away. Back in the car and soaked I was having a real pity party: wet hair, wet clothes and I still had two more engagements before the day would end. I went to a happy hour, for which I was the organizer, and eight out of the 35 women who responded showed up. Eight! But, the night wasn’t over. I had one more stop to make, book club. I was late and I’m sure I was less than the perfect guest. When I got back in the car I was really in a mood: I know you know what I mean. I had about 20 minutes to drive home and I did it in silence: no radio, no phone, just drove.
Look at your Luck with a New Lens
That was the best thing I could have done for myself. I thought about the day. I was feeling so unlucky, like someone was looking down on me and laughing.
I started thinking about the happy hour and about the women who I met that night and how much I enjoyed talking with them. Because it was a small group I got to have more extensive conversations with a couple of them. That was lucky. And at book club, I met a new member and loved the discussion about the book we had just completed (and I had actually read it!) and really enjoyed myself. And, there was chocolate and that was extra lucky!
The moral of this story? I was feeling so sorry for myself. I was cranky and was getting madder at the world by the minute. Poor, poor me, right? But, in that time it took me to get home, I made a 180 degree turn around in my brain, and it changed everything. How lucky am I to have these places to go and people with whom I can spend time? Haven’t there been times when I would have done anything to have somewhere to go? Yes.
Everyone has unlucky days, or months, or years, but there’s a piece that we bring upon ourselves: luck isn’t always luck, right? And, knowing that we can change it is key.
I learned a valuable lesson that night and while I know I won’t be able to turn every pile of poop into rose petals, I can try to improve my “luck”, and that’s half the battle, isn’t it?
So the next time you are feeling out of sorts or grouchy (and I feel that way a lot) take a moment to re-evaluate your mood and I promise you will have more good days than bad: your “luck” will change. I’ve decided to make a point of trying to regulate my inner grouch when I am feeling particularly unlucky and change my
The answer is yes, looks matter, but not in the way you might think. It truly doesn’t matter what you look like, it matters what you think you look like. Those of you who are Starting Over at SIxty Sisters may have heard this story and if so, I apologize.
I went to a wedding one Saturday evening solo. If you have done this you know, it isn’t easy. Honestly, I had poured myself into my outfit and I felt terrible: yanking my blouse down all night and twisting my skirt back where it belonged. I hated myself!
The next morning I put on a new outfit, one that I thought made me look like a million bucks, and I felt like I looked great. I felt confident, I felt professional and I felt like I was on top of my game. So what was the difference? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I looked exactly the same in that 12 hour period but I felt awful in one outfit and great in another. The only difference was the way I felt, not the clothes on my back. It wasn’t about the cost of the clothes or the style or the size or the color. It was about how I felt.
So, you can imagine how I carried myself when I was feeling like dog poop. I sat in my chair longer than I normally would have and I didn’t mingle or put myself out there in any way. Fast forward to the next day, when I thought I was the belle of the ball, talking to people, introducing myself and reaching out to others. The polar opposite of who I had been 12 hours prior. AND NOTHING HAD CHANGED.
Think about this, if I only kept the clothes in my closet that make me feel like a rockstar, what would change? How would my life be different on a daily basis? I can tell you: your mood would be elevated. You would have some pep in your step. You would take more risks because you would have more confidence in your self and the way you look. But remember this: the only change would be in your head. the only person who needs to think you look good is you.
You can decide whether or not to clean out your closet and toss those pieces that don’t make you feel good about yourself. At the very least, pull out your five favorite outfits and wear them this week and see how it changes your attitude. I promise you will feel your mood lift and you will feel better about yourself, because looks do matter but only in your head.
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