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5 Keys to Conquering Loneliness

August 5, 2019

I published this article a little over a year ago and I still get comments on it, so I thought I would repost it for you ladies. Hope it gives you some good ideas.

So, you are starting over on a new path and you are killing it! You are happy, you are fulfilled and you are living the life you have always dreamed of living. But, no matter how much you keep telling yourself how great your new life is, you are lonely. Yep, there are times when you are crushingly lonely.

For me, as my marriage of more than 30 years ended, I began moving forward with a vengeance: I was never going to look back, I told myself, and, the truth is, I didn’t. I didn’t romanticize my marriage in my head. But, the hard facts are that lots of the important family events had to be divided in two now: some with Mom and some with Dad. And, while I was prepared to share our adult children, there were times that it just brought me to my knees. I had to keep reminding myself that half of the holidays with my children now is hundreds of times better than the holidays of the past: everyone was enjoying them but me back then.

I had to come up with ways to fight off the demons that sat on my shoulders and told me how much better my life was when I was married. So I did just that: I fought them off. I don’t mean to sound flip about the heartache of loneliness in the moment. But I am suggesting that if you try to be proactive and make plans to get you through the rough patches ahead of time, you will, at least, feel proud of yourself for not just letting loneliness run you over and flatten you like a pancake.

Make a Plan

The first time I was going to be alone on Christmas morning I could see it coming. I was not going to like it one bit. I knew I would be with my adult children the rest of Christmas day, but I dreaded waking up alone and having a big pity party. So, I talked with a friend who was not busy until later in the day as well. We decided to go to a movie in the morning. It was great. I got up, I was happy. I was doing something that I love, going to a movie. And, when the movie was over, I would be coming home and having the rest of the day with the kids. By having a plan in place I was able to push through what could have been a disastrous morning.

Learn Something New

I am a pretty social person, and I do not like being alone when I think everyone else in the world is having fun without me. Where I live, college football is everything. I honestly don’t care one bit about the game itself, but I love the tailgating before. I have found that I get a little blue on those game days. Rather than sitting on the couch and feeling sorry for myself, I find that learning something new makes me feel proud of myself and productive in the moment. I have a running list of things I would like to learn more about, whether it is being better at social media or learning a new knitting stitch or figuring out how to put on false eyelashes, it makes me feel good to know that I moved the needle forward rather than boohooing. I always feel good learning new things.

Plan a Trip

Nothing, in my opinion, is more fun than planning a trip. It doesn’t need to be huge, just something that I can get excited about. The planning is the best part of the trip anyway so I can spend hours figuring out where and when to go, what to see and where to stay. It takes up a lot of time and entertains me. I might plan a trip for myself or for me and my children, which makes the planning even more fun. We can communicate about what to do and where to go and it is just fun. If I am traveling alone, I keep in mind that maybe one day we might want to do this as a family.

No Commiserating if Your Goal is Conquering Loneliness

This is a hard fast rule: do not spend time with someone who is a Debbie Downer when you are already going down that sadsack rabbit hole. All that will do is bring you down more. It just isn’t a good idea, anytime, and certainly not when you are feeling blue. Save that for another day.

Eat Ice Cream

This is the most important advice I can give any woman who is feeling lonely. Eat ice cream. Eat ice cream until you can’t move! The end. It is nature’s little anti-depressant and cures your woes. Of course, I am kidding. Sadly I ate ice cream every time I was lonely or sad in my marriage. I ate a lot of ice cream. Too much and I am paying the price. But, it got me through a lot of troubled times. My point is, go easy on yourself. If treating yourself is what you need to help you move through a rough patch, have at it.

Starting your life over at any age is not an easy task, and starting over a little later in life is that much more difficult. Remember, your life is only going to get better when you take charge. I would love to hear any suggestions that have worked for you to get yourself through difficult times. Share your strategies here and you might read some new ones from other readers.

The Fountain of Youth? Spending Time with Younger People

July 29, 2019

Over the next few weeks I am writing to you about things that I think keep you feeling young. Today, I want to talk about how spending time with younger people can be one part of the fountain of youth.

I love being with my longtime friends: there is nothing like the familiarity that comes from being with people who knew me in elementary school. But, in my opinion, there is no greater contributor to the fountain of youth than spending time with younger people.

I know the comfort of talking about “back in the day” with peers and friends. Nothing puts a smile on my face faster than talking with old high school friends about who liked who, or remembering our dance in the school play or thinking about how I sewed my own prom dress and was still hemming it on the day of the dance.

Now, let’s talk about the benefits of spending time with younguns and you will quickly see how much of a boost it can be.

Young People Learn from Your Stories

Just think for a moment how fascinating it must be for young people to hear about life before cell phones! I have often told this story to illustrate what that was like when I went to college:

I grew up in Cincinnati and I was off to The Ohio State University and my best friend from elementary school, Laura, was headed to Portland, Oregon. We wrote letters, but not much. Long distance phone calls were expensive (even thought our parents were paying for them!) and I think our unwritten rule was that she was allowed to call me once during the quarter and I was allowed to do the same. So from September to December we talked two times. Now, we talked for as long as we could think of things to say, probably an hour, but that was it.

Young people are so used to being totally connected, so much so, that I think that’s how there are so many long distance relationships during the college and early career years for them: they talk 10 times a day and it’s almost like they are together. I love to watch their faces as I talk about the one call each quarter. It is as if I am speaking Russian: their brains just shut down when I say it.

While I am on the subject of listening to stories about communication, I remember my Grannie telling me this story:

When she was a little girl with her sister, Jacil, they lived in the country and their phone was on a party line (something you will have to describe to anyone under about 60). So, as there wasn’t exactly a lot of money for entertainment, they would get on the party line at 7 p.m. on Saturday nights and play guitar and sing for everyone in the area. Can you imagine? But , now, I can picture it so clearly and I think it gives me a window into a world long before I was born.

They Have So Few Expectations of Us Old Folks

I used to go to a workout class that was all young people, well, except one. Me. When I told people that I went to classes at S.O.S. They would gasp, as if I was climbing Mt. Everest three times a week. It was hard. But, I quickly learned that the young people thought I was so old, in fact, that if I just stayed for the whole class I had already exceeded expectations! If I actually did anything with even the least amount of difficulty, I was called amazing: who doesn’t want to be called amazing? Oh, by the way, I got a workout in while I was being marveled at.

We Know Important People and that Makes Us Valuable to Young People

Think back to when you were young and starting off in your career and building a life. Remember what it felt like to think to yourself, “If I could only meet (fill in the blank). But, you couldn’t, because you weren’t important, yet. You needed a hand up.

Live long enough, and you will know all those people. You will have built your lives together over the years in your communities, with your kids and in organizations. I love nothing more than to be in conversation with a younger person and someone walks by and we give each other a hug and cheek-kiss, leaving a young person in utter shock: “You know her?” “Well, yes, our kids went to pre-school together 30 years ago. I’d be happy to introduce you.” That feels pretty good.

So, relish your time with younger people: they can help you feel important, and who doesn’t want to feel important?

First Date Strategy

July 21, 2019

Last week I talked to you about changing your attitude about online dating if you really do want to get back out there. Today, as promised, I am giving you my first date strategy that worked very well a couple of times. They were dates that clearly were not going anywhere on my end and it was time to make my exit. I am not telling you to do this, I am just saying it worked well for me and you might like to come up with your own plan.

I had a date with a man I met online and we were scheduled to meet at a bar for Happy Hour in a shopping district. I can’t remember why I did this, but I took Uber there (something that became very helpful later). He was very nice, but as we talked for a while his politics became an issue: he was very committed to his extreme beliefs and they were not mine: we were not on the same side of the aisle. By the time this all came to light, we were on our second cocktail. My date got up to go to the restroom and I decided to tie this evening up into a nice little bow and call it a day.

I handed our server my credit card and paid the bill. Next, I called Uber for my ride home. When my date returned to the table I thanked him for a lovely evening and told him that I had taken care of the bill. He asked if he could walk me to my car and I let him know that there was no need, that a car was waiting for me downstairs.

When I got home I had a message from him asking if he might see me again and I thanked him but said no. I can’t tell you that I had this plan all mapped out because I didn’t, but I did actually use it again, and again, it worked nicely.

Here’s what I liked about it: it was respectful and generous, and those are two qualities that I hope I have. First, while the bill was very inexpensive, it didn’t appear that I was taking advantage of my date by expecting that he pay the bill. Quite the contrary, I took care of it. I think that’s generous. And, for all I knew, he may not have been very excited about our date either, but since I knew we wouldn’t see each other again, I took the lead and paid the check. I think that’s respectful.

The other piece of the story is that by taking Uber I didn’t have to worry about him walking me to my car and the awkwardness that always follows. And, once I made the call, my deadline was set, the car was on it’s way.

Use this if you will. Or let me know if you have any tricks up your sleeve that have worked for you on an uncomfortable date. We’re all in this together!

Good luck!

Dating Site Photo Don’ts

July 18, 2019

These are what I used to call “Glamour Don’ts.” They are photos that one would not want to represent them to the world. However, men use them all the time on dating sites and I just don’t get it. Is it that there are just so many women for each available man that they can throw anything they want up and get hundreds of right swipes?

I am not very familiar with online dating; haven’t done it much, but I have looked at the sites in order ease myself back into the game. First, the lack of men in my particular demo was apparent right away. Not a lot from which to select. If in his bio, a man writes that he is breathing on his own, he is one of the most popular men and is snatched up immediately. Regardless, men, if you are going to play the game, make it a game. Get good at it and use some photos that show you in a way that would make you proud. I’m here to help. Use this as a guide ladies and gentlemen. I would not be surprised to see this photo below in a man’s dating bio.

Anything that is blurry. Why do men post out of focus photos? Can’t see? Just take another one. Unless you saving “film” or are trying to hide your identity because you are in the witness protection program, post a better photograph.
The picture that you took of yourself in your bathroom. Standing in front of your bathroom mirror, taking a selfie never ends well. It just doesn’t. The focus is unclear, you are looking into the camera which is often down around the belt and the flash shows up in the photo. Men, you appear to be looking at your package. I have never seen one man smiling when he has posted a bathroom selfie. The men are working too hard to smile when they take the shot.
I do not want to see a photo of your motorcycle. I know what a motorcycle looks like.
I do not want to see a photo of you in the seventies. It makes it clear that you peaked early.
If you are taking a selfie, reclining in your Barco-lounger tells me that most of your time is spent in that position in front of the TV. It may be true, but don’t show all of your cards before the game even starts.
And please, please, please do not post a photo of your abs. I love abs as much as the next girl, but when I see that photo I think, “well, my tummy doesn’t look like that so I am not going near that guy.” You price yourself out of the market, so to speak.

Guys, all we want to see is a nice man who is taking the time to show himself in a positive light to meet a nice woman. Put in a little effort. Show us your best side. Honestly, we will do the rest for you if you just show that you care about the process.

Online Dating

July 15, 2019

I was out with some single friends last week and we started talking about online dating. As soon as the words came into the air each woman just kind of sank in her chair, like a deflated balloon. I feel the same way, don’t get me wrong, and I am wondering if that attitude somehow leaks through my pores and is evident to my dates? You think? Like I’m a skunk and feel danger!

So, I’ve decided to make a shift in my way of thinking and I will get back to that in a minute. First I want to tell you about a sales training I once attended back in my first life: I sold media for a number of years. The trainer said to us that we should not hold disdain for our clients. He said that while we may not be crazy about some them, they are the people who put bread on our tables and that we should think of them as such. That really hit home for me. I thought about the times when I would whine to myself because I had to call on client A or client B and wasn’t looking forward to it. After he said that I felt like maybe that came through in my body language and vocal tone.

I remember that little nugget often, especially when I’m meeting with someone for any reason and I am not super excited to see them. I try to think about what I want the outcome to be and set my mind and demeanor accordingly.

The same holds true for online dating: how can I expect to meet someone great online when my attitude about the whole thing is negative? It’s just not logical, is it? And, really, what would it be like if there was no online dating? I have met some very nice men, maybe not the right fit but some nice men, through online dating. Honestly, every single man I have met since I have been on my own has been online in some fashion, whether it has been a dating site or another social website.

Here’s the change I am going to make and I want you to think about making the change as well: I am going to face online dating with a new, positive attitude. I will have a smile on my face when I look at dating profiles, even though no one can see me.

Now let me say this, if you are not interested in dating, great. But, if it’s fear or frustration with dating sites, then give it another try. The odds of meeting someone without a dating site are about the same as winning the lottery (although show me the money any day over a date!).

Next week I will tell you about a “best practices” way of going on a first date that has worked well for me over the last couple of years.

What’s Holding You Back?

July 8, 2019

So, what’s holding you back? Do you think you’ve conquered every demon you have inside from your past? I thought so, but it seems there’s always one more to squash.

Just when I think I have far surpassed my expectations for my new single life, that little devil on my shoulder brings me back to reality, and lets me know that he’s not going away anytime soon: that there will always be remnants of a long, unhappy marriage that alter my thinking via my emotions. Here’s what happened last week:

I have a little convertible that my husband bought me as a gift about 18 years ago. It was expensive: not something I would ever be able to afford now. I loved that car, but it did not fit with my new lifestyle: I couldn’t put a bike rack on it and I ride my bike a lot. And, if there was so much as a flake of snow on the ground I wasn’t going anywhere until the roads were clear. And, of course, it only had two seats.

I’ve needed to replace the vehicle, but my finances are so different from what they were before, and while I am not a totally material girl, I don’t mind admitting that I like nice things. I started to look but didn’t find anything that fit the bill. Then it happened: the clouds opened up to sunlight and the angels started singing and I found my a-little-less-than-new car. Worry set in that I couldn’t afford it, so I went to the dealership and they worked up the numbers and I walked out with a car. Hooray for me!

I honestly had no idea that my old car represented so much to me, but it did. It was holding me back. It was no different from the feeling I had when I was looking for an apartment prior to leaving my husband: the apartments all looked like the ones I had in college and I just couldn’t face the feeling of defeat. But when I walked into my one-room loft downtown I fell in love. I didn’t have to settle for less, I just had to find something that was me. It was the same with the car. Just because I have less money to spend doesn’t have to hold me back from, well, anything!

I learned a couple of lessons buying this new car. First, I created a solution to a situation that was causing me to feel grouchy, even though it was just a silly car. It was what the car represented that mattered. And, second, the way I was feeling about that car was holding me back. I had no idea. Crazy, right?

Now, I realize that there are lots of little things in my life that might be holding me back, that I don’t change, yet I don’t feel good about either. That realization, in my opinion, is huge. I can tell already that I am full of the most minute instances in which I am holding myself back.

I know, this doesn’t sound like much, but it has made a huge difference in the way I am looking at myself and my life and my past. And, the car can represent anything: a wedding ring, your mother’s furniture, even the house that you got in the divorce that is crumbling around you. All of this baggage, from my car to your house, has an effect on our outlooks. And, just by changing the roles of those “things” in your life, you can change everything.

I hope you will take this post and use it to motivate you to think about the things that hold you back. They can be big or small, but no matter the size, they can be critical to your outlook. I think what I am saying is Happy Independence Day!

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