What’s your vision for your future? Do you even know? Do you know your vision? Because, if you don’t know what you want the movie of your life to look like, how will you get there?

When I am thinking about my happy place, here’s what I see in the little cloud above my head:

1. I am in California, where one of my sons lives, with a little house and a little pool out back. My children and grandchildren are there visiting me for the holidays. I am working there in the winter as a comedy writer.
2. It’s summer looking out over a lake with all the kids, grandchildren and friends sitting on the deck out back as the sun sets. Not fancy. Some of us are playing guitars and everybody is singing. Firepit, somemores, sweaters, shorts, flipflops.

That’s perfection for me. That is everything. It includes work, play, family, and fun. That is a life that I would love to have. And, when I realized that I see myself happy in these vignettes, I thought, “What are you doing to make the dreams come to reality?”

I give Coronavirus the credit for putting me in the mindset to think about what I want and what I am doing to get there. I’ve had boatloads of time to think about everything. So here I am with all of that newfound enlightenment: what’s next?

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Over the next couple of months, I’d like to talk with you about how you see your future, what your dreams look like. OK, it’s hard to know what the future will look like on the other side of the pandemic, but we all have dreams, right? We all have ideas as to what our lives will look like in five, ten, and fifteen years, but does your mission match your vision? Are your daily actions moving you closer to what you want?

With so much time to focus on me (way too much time) during the lockdown, something about the way the puzzle of my life was fitting together wasn’t working for me. You know that feeling of something being off? Something weighing on you but not knowing what it is or why? That’s been me.

I would say to friends, “Something’s not working,” but I would just shrug my shoulders and move on in the conversation. Kind of ho-hum. But, it kept gnawing at my brain and my heart. What’s wrong?

Then it came to me: when I think of myself happy I am living a life much different from my current experience. I’m not actively working toward the dream. Bingo! And here I thought I was so smart! How do I expect to get there if I’m not on that mission every day?

Whatever it was that was eating at me has set me on a new path and it’s one that aligns better with the pictures in my head. Whether or not all the pieces fall into place honestly isn’t important. What is important is how I feel inside: I feel settled and focused on the future. All of my stars are in alignment. I have my orders (from myself) and I am focused on my steps to move forward.

I want you to go with me on this “clarity tour.” Are you living your life in a way that will get you where you want to be? Do you need to make changes that will help you get there?

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It’s hard for me to believe that I’ve been single for five years. In some ways, it seems like just yesterday that I moved out of my marital home, and in others, I can’t even remember what my old, married life was like.

So what’s it like after five years single? It’s taken me that much time to come to the realization that my life is my own. I don’t have to make decisions with anyone else in mind now. It’s my turn. I’m sure I could have figured that out about four years ago, but I’m a slow learner. I’ve been trying to get a grip on where I want to go and what I want to do for my remaining years, but, until a few short months ago, I hadn’t allowed myself to think solo. That changed during the pandemic.

Forced to spend a lot of time alone, really alone, changed how I’m viewing things moving forward. I can’t travel to spend time with my children. I can’t hang my happiness on our time together, because it may be awhile before that luxury returns.

And, and this is a big one, I may be single for the rest of my life. I was so used to being part of a couple that I honestly didn’t think of myself as single until recently. I am more settled in that fact now. Thank you pandemic. If that’s the case, what will make me happy? How will I find happiness? And, where?

The next five years are going to bring the biggest changes to my life, even bigger than the past five. I’m certain of that. I have not been this excited about my life for some time. There are no concrete options on the horizon, but I can feel it like never before. Hope you will stick with me on this voyage.

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This is a repost of an article I wrote for Sixty and Me. Remember, it was before Coronavirus so adjust your thinking accordingly.

BY PAULA HARER  •  MARCH 11, 2019  •  MINDSET

Having been in a bad marriage for more than 30 years, I thought I was the biggest loser on the planet. I felt I was certainly not attractive and unappealing. I was overweight. I was not good at making money, but I was good at spending them. I wasn’t sexy at all and had zero sex appeal.

Guess what I have learned about myself in the last three years since I left my husband: there’s nothing wrong with me after all! That’s right, there is nothing wrong with me. I have a feeling that if you are reading this article, there is nothing wrong with you either. Amazing, right?

It took me a long time to get here, though. After years of being beaten up, figuratively, I left my husband and moved into a one-room loft. I was what I refer to as a hot mess. I was truly broken, and I thought I was all used up.

I felt that I was unlovable and had grown thorns on my body. I had definitely built a wall around me to protect myself from the unhappy life that I led with my husband. I honestly thought that the real me was gone, buried so deep that I wouldn’t get it back.

It took some time – a lot of time, in fact. And, while I worked to be content on the inside, it didn’t hurt when a man paid attention to me, whether as a date or a new friend. It felt good and made me think that “I still got it.” That is probably the icing on the “new-old Paula.”

Be OK with Yourself First

So, if you are in the position of having to start over, due to divorce or death, follow these steps and you will get it right.

First, you need to be OK with yourself. If your life is in transition, this is the best time to take stock of who you are and who you want to be. Figure out what changes, if any, need to be made.

In my case, I was in a business that I despised, and I needed to get out of it no matter what the consequences. It did cost me, but I did it anyway because as long as I was trying to be something I was not, my life was never going to improve.

Getting out of that business allowed me to spend time thinking about what I wanted my life to look like moving forward. It gave me permission to dream. I was out from under a huge boulder.

I started thinking about what I used to like to do – before I met my husband, before I had children and before I was Mrs. Harer.

My husband valued popularity – I know it sounds goofy but it is true. So, in order to make him like me, I valued who I was on the outside. I wasn’t happy. I love being a party girl as much as the next person, but constantly living in that lifestyle was not fulfilling.

Now I have a great time when I am with people, but it does not define me. I knit, I go to the movies alone and I read. I am happy with myself.

When you can find that girl inside, the one you were all those years ago, I think it makes for a more grounded feeling. I know who I am and I know what I like and what I don’t like, and I don’t have to change that. How empowering is that knowledge?

Add in What You Like to Do

At first, when I was living alone again, I joined every event I could in order to meet new people: neighborhood groups, a single women’s social group – though I think I would be more comfortable calling it a gang – a book club, and a couple other meetups.

I needed to feel connected. But, after a while, I began to dread some of the meetings and realized that they just weren’t me.

I did get to know more new people, but I wasn’t enjoying the activities and the people weren’t necessarily a good fit for me. Lesson learned. However, I love singing in a citywide choir and I love volunteering in that choir at the women’s prison near my home.

So, I have found out what I like to do and what I can live without, and I am making changes in how I spend my time. I don’t want to do what I don’t want to do anymore.

Take the Risk with New Relationships

Now, the hard part. Dating after 60 is horrible. There’s no other way to put it. It is simply horrible! But if having a man in your life is something that you want, and I do like having a man in my life, then you just have to put yourself out there.

Here’s how I look at it: I wasn’t going to meet someone by sitting at home and telling myself how gross online dating sites are. They are, it’s true, but they are what is available, so I just had to buck up and get on board.

Whatever method you use to meet a new partner or friend, you have to be proactive. When I was in my 20s, I didn’t have to be proactive. Those days are over. And sitting on your couch complaining about how there are no men doesn’t help either.

I have met many frogs. And it’s not like all of them call me back, so I’m a frog too. But, occasionally, I have met a nice guy: he might be a friend or might be more.

There are still a few great guys, but I would not have met them without taking the risk, without putting myself out there. So, if you want to meet a partner or a friend, put on your big girl pants and get out there.

Going through all these steps has helped me figure out that I am OK exactly as I am. If you are in the position of having to start over, you may need to find out that you are OK just as you are as well. When you do, you will be able to start living life the way you always intended it to be.

What are you doing to find yourself again? What has worked for you and what has not? Can’t wait to hear! Let’s have a chat!

Let’s Have a Conversation!

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