loneliness
You can learn a lot about yourself by being alone. It’s not always a bad thing. I have learned way more about myself when I am on my own than I have when I am in a crowd. That crowd Paula is happy and loud and funny. When I am alone, I’m just Paula. My time alone means time to think, time to process and time to understand what I like and what I don’t like. And, if you are not a person who spends much time alone, you need to start. It can be lifesaving. Without that time, that time to rest your mind and kind of zone out for a while, it is difficult to get centered. It is hard to fuel back up without putting on the brakes every once in a while.
Becoming Comfortable Alone
I have to say, I have always been comfortable alone. The man I was married to for more than thirty years was not. I was an only child so I always had my own room. I could hang out in my room for hours and hours and do nothing. It was my nest. I would do handstands against the door of my closet hour after hour (what would happen if I had to do a handstand now? I can picture my arms just crumbling to rubble and me landing on my head!) I would just hang around in my room and I like to think that the time was spent making me who I am today. That was the time for imagination and dreaming and wondering why some boy didn’t call me, then deciding I didn’t want him to call me anyway, then crying because that boy who I didn’t want to call me anyway, didn’t call me.
For as long as I can remember, I have always been comfortable being alone. I’ve been lucky enough to have lots of friends throughout my life and loved being in big houses full of other kids when I spent the night when I was young, but I got to come home and spend the rest of my time the way I wanted to, without much interruption.
I was also a kid who learned to sew and knit, so as I grew up I usually had some project going, like crocheting blankets for my parents and friends for Christmas. I could sit in front of the TV making something for someone for hours and be content. I was happy.
When Alone Time Can’t Be Found
Then I got married and had kids and worked outside the home on and off and there was not one minute alone! And, just when I thought I was alone, a baby would cry or a husband would moan and I was back at it. It didn’t take long for me to figure out that without alone time, I was a crab! Looking back, I just needed that time to reset and regroup and get back to center before I went out the door the next day. Life seemed to0 never let up until the kids were out of the house. Boy, did I have alone time then!
Alone When it is Not by Choice
The sad part of being alone is when you are and don’t want to be and it is all there is. That is true loneliness and not fun and not happy. When I was first on my own again I had a lot of nights when I was alone and lonely and no amount of knitting could make that better. I could have wrapped the world in wool and would have still been lonely. I know alone and I know lonely and lonely is not a choice. It is having no one and nothing to go to and it is ugly. Even making the choice to be alone can make you lonely for a while. But the two are not interchangeable and I can be lonely in a room full of people and was for most of my marriage.
So, get to know yourself and know whether you need time alone or not. If that is missing in your life you can fix that. Carve it out. Find that time to recharge. I am aware that I have to have that to be happy. For me, it is as important as sleep, that is certain. And, learn to enjoy that alone time. You deserve it.
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February can be a rough month for women who are sixty and single. I have never cared much for Valentine’s Day, whether I was in a relationship or not. It always seemed forced and competitive and just too much. When the kids were little I remember it being a huge celebration that was only rivaled, in the elementary school, by Halloween. It felt like a popularity contest among the children and among the mothers.
So, during the years that I knew my marriage would be ending it was torture. I thought I wouldn’t miss Valentine’s Day one bit when I became single, but I was wrong. I didn’t love it before, I hated it now that I was sitting in my tiny apartment with my dog, Red, having a pity party. Now, it wasn’t an option so it became important to me. Go figure.
February is Rough
Immediately following Valentine’s Day is President’s Day Weekend and that first year on my own seemed like every single human I knew went away for that long weekend. The weather was below zero and the word long to describe that three day weekend could not have been more accurate. It was bad, I was miserable and I now knew what was like to be alone during the Valentine’s Day week. I told my self that I would never again experience that kind of loneliness over a stupid holiday and a stupid long weekend in February.
Since that bad February a couple of years ago I have made it a point to travel during the middle of the month of February in order to avoid a meltdown. It doesn’t have to be a big trip, just one that keeps me busy doing something I love. I might go to my hometown and visit friends, or take a knitting class or visit one of my children. Anything that will keep my brain engaged is perfect for the middle of February.
Now, if you don’t have someone to love on Valentine’s Day, find something you love to do and enjoy. That’s more fun than exchanging a card anyway, right? Treat yourself, get through the rough days and remember Spring is right around the corner.
Read MoreDon’t confuse loneliness with sadness: that’s a tall order, right? But, I have realized lately that there are times when I am doing just that, confusing loneliness with sadness. For me, the lines are blurred, but trying to figure out which one I am feeling helps me come up with the right distraction to get through it.
Was I Feeling Loneliness or Sadness?
I realized that what I was feeling was sadness rather than loneliness over the holidays. I was a little blue the closer I got to the actual festivities. The kids were coming in and I had so much to look forward to but there was an underlying feeling that I couldn’t pinpoint. I was busy, busy, busy and almost never alone, but felt lonely.
It wasn’t loneliness at all. It was sadness. Sadness for what the holidays look like versus what I wish they were: happy, whole family celebrations. Decorating, cooking, wrapping for everyone under one roof with parties and church and a big bow to wrap it all up. I miss it, mess and all: laundry everywhere, waking up when everyone comes in late, hearing about the night before. Now, the reality is the back and forth that comes with a split family. I always feel like I am missing something. I am not present when my children are having part of their Christmas. Hate it. Hate, hate, hate it. And, that is not loneliness at all. It is pure sadness.
Three Things to Try
So how can one help herself through a little sadness? These are on my checklist now for when I am feeling sadness and one or all of them may work for you:
- Know what you are feeling. If I know what I am sad about, I can work on how to “treat” it. For me, it means asking myself what I haven’t had time for in teh past, like maybe watching a moving and knitting, or reading. When I was married and had an intact family, that was often not on the agenda Not the same but I have to spin it for myself sometimes.
- I give myself a gift. I know that sounds crazy, but when one lives alone, there are, most likely, fewer gifts at birthdays, Valentine’s Day and Christmas. So this year I gave myself a bottle of perfume that I love. Not a big deal, I know, but it is not something I can pick up at Costco so it feels like a treat.
- Finally, I have a conversation with myself. I know, I know, that sounds so lame, but I do it. It sounds like this, “OK Girlie, this is how it is going to be for the rest of your life. How can you handle it from here on out?” Otherwise, I risk being the “have to make her happy” parent rather than the “ can’t wait to see her” parent with my children and their families.
None of this is perfect, I know. But we all have to work with the hand that we are dealt. The more I take charge of managing my feelings the more likely I am to win with that hand.
How do you deal with sadness? How do you deal with loneliness? I hope you will share your ideas.
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I am an only child, so I have always been used to being alone. And, I love being alone. In my single years, I rented apartments that I could afford on my own, I didn’t have roommates. I was super social and always out so when I came home it was all mine. I was never lonely. I loved reading and watching TV and knitting and was totally happy alone in my apartment. Then I got married.
It took a while for me to get used to living with another person, although he was my husband. And, he was a mess. I am not a neat freak but this was a whole new level. But, when we bought our first house our new normal set in and I got used to living with another person. We had enough room to get away from each other when we needed to and life settled in. Then came baby number one, and baby number two and baby number three. I didn’t have time to be alone or lonely. I just kept moving forward.
However, as the kids starting to grow and go to school and participate in after-school activities I noticed that I didn’t just have time alone, which I loved, I was lonely. I had plenty to do and I worked outside the home off and on during that time but I was so lonely. I tried to explain it to my husband but failed to make a connection there. He really didn’t care how I was feeling as long as it didn’t interfere with his life and livelihood. Over the next couple of decades, I felt lonely most of the time in my marriage. I loved the kids and our family and friends, but I was lonely. My husband knew it.
The Kids Grew Up
When the kids went off to college, I filled my days and evenings and weekends with lots of activities and work, but I was still lonely, and it wasn’t my imagination and it wasn’t the blues or hormonal changes, it was real loneliness. The writing was on the wall but I ignored it in order to keep the family together for as long a possible. I was the only one in the marriage.
I moved out and was living alone again for the first time in 30 years. I vacillated between the highest highs and the lowest lows on a daily basis. Now I wasn’t just lonely, I was alone, too. And there were plenty of nights when I thought being in a bad marriage was better than being in no marriage at all. I was wrong. It took me a year to get to this point, but I am no longer lonely, I’m just alone and I love it.
I am back to reading and knitting and watching TV when I am not out with friends, and I am out with friends a lot. I have to work at it. I am often the one making plans and inviting friends to join me and sometimes they can. If not, I go alone. I’m a big girl, I can do that.
Time Alone
There are still times when I am feeling lonely, mostly when I have a weekend with nothing to do. I feel like everyone goes home to their loved ones and I just go home. And, I know that I haven’t seen the last of the loneliness monster. But, I find that I enjoy my time alone again. I feel a little bit like I used to when I was young: my place is my own little sanctuary.
Here is what I know…
- I know the difference between loneliness and being alone. They are very different and they feel very different. One brings sadness and the other feels more like contentment.
- Being alone is a temporary condition of geography: I’m just somewhere where there aren’t any other people at the moment. Being lonely is internal and isn’t a function of locale.
- Both are beneficial. I know I’m not happy when I am lonely and I have to find a way to change my circumstances. When I am alone, I have time to reflect, time to plan and time to grow. It is when I dream, make lists and plan travel. I am happy when I’m alone.
- If it is painful, it’s loneliness…if it’s just quiet, it’s alone time.
- I can go to the movie when I am alone and eat as much popcorn and M&Ms as I want and laugh as loud as I want. If I am lonely…well…who am I kidding, popcorn and M&Ms make that better, too.
I have done everything I can to embrace this new life of mine, starting over at sixty. I try to be in forward motion as much as I can. Husband won’t leave the house…move. Don’t have a lot of single friends…make some new friends. Nothing to do this weekend…go visit a friend. That’s just how I have propelled myself forward, trying to will myself into happiness and hoping for no setbacks, no bumps in the road.
But, no matter how much I try to move forward with blinders on, not letting anything deter me from being happy again, those demons can still creep up and bring me to my knees.
That happened a couple of weeks ago. I just hit the wall. I couldn’t pretend my life is great one more minute. I felt like everyone around me was living life and having a blast, but me. I wanted my family back, I wanted my house back, I wanted my life back. I wanted to be thinking about a great trip for us all to take for the holidays: not to think about whether or not I would be traveling alone. Or think about how the kids would be joining me later after they see their father. I didn’t want to be thinking about how we’ll all be split up over Thanksgiving. Hate it hate it hate it. And, with fall around the corner, the dread just came over me.
And then…it passed. I cried for about two days, and then it passed. It didn’t resolve itself, it just passed through me. I started to feel like maybe the worst is over. It doesn’t get better and it doesn’t go away. It just passes through me and washes over me then drifts out the window. And when it comes back, it isn’t as bad anymore, isn’t as intense. I can handle it. Progress has been made. Not forever, but for now and for today.
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