I like to try new things. I always have. Especially if it is something that I am not good at. I was afraid of motorcycles so I took the classes. Why they passed me I will never know. When I went to buy a motorcycle I knew there was no way that I could drive it home. I had to have it delivered. They told me I was not the first person to do that, thank heavens. I bought all the motorcycle clothes and my fancy helmet and drove it maybe 20 miles over 2 years and donated it to Goodwill. I was still scared of it. I guess I thought my husband would get interested in it and join me. I saw us on long drives in the Hocking Hills on a beautiful Sunday. He saw me doing that while he did anything else. Lesson learned.
I had never had one accounting class and I felt that I was lacking because of it. I took accounting, online. About chapter 3 I figured out why I hadn’t studied accounting. I hated it. When I looked at the pages in the book my eyes crossed. I kept trying to get interested and I just couldn’t do it. I am all about girls in math and science, but sadly, no matter how cool I think it is, I am not one of them. Lesson learned.
So when it became clear that my husband found women who were nothing like me more attractive, I decided to be someone else. I decided that I could own restaurants. Well, I could, that was true, but I hated every day of it and I was terrible at it. In my mind I saw it going so differently and I thought it might bring us closer together. I thought he might become more interested in me. I thought we might be able to solve problems together, go over ideas together. You know, like a real husband and wife. I could not have been more wrong. Lesson learned.
I can name a hundred other times when I wanted to be good at something and was sure that I could do it, only to find that I couldn’t make myself good at it. I could not force myself to learn it or practice it or use it. I don’t think that I am not smart enough, or coordinated enough or that I don’t have a strong skill set. I am just better at some things than I am at others, and as I start my life over, I don’t think I have to change that. When I was married I was trying to be everything that I wasn’t, because clearly, I wasn’t enough. So I tried to be everything and was so miserable.
Now, I know my lane. That doesn’t mean I always have to stay in my lane, but I am becoming crystal clear on what I am good at, what I am interested in and what I like to spend my time doing. I used to say yes to everything. I was on committees that I dreaded. I was in organizations that were not of any interest, just to be in them. I did things socially that I really didn’t enjoy. Now I am done with all of that. Done done done. No more. Every day isn’t a picnic, but I know my lane. I know who I am. And, lots of things that I like to do are nerdy, but that’s me.
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