divorce
Having been in a bad marriage for more than thirty years, I thought I was the biggest loser on the planet. I was certainly not attractive and was unappealing. I was overweight. I was not good at making money. I wasn’t sexy at all and actually had zero sex appeal. I spent too much money. I was the b-word.
Well, guess what I have learned about myself in the last three years since I left my husband: there’s nothing wrong with me after all! That’s right, there is nothing wrong with me. I have a feeling that if you are reading this article, there is nothing wrong with you either. Amazing, right? It took me a long time to get here, though. After years of being beaten up, figuratively, when I left my husband and moved into a one-room loft, I was what I refer to as a hot mess. I was truly broken, and I thought I was all used up. Like I was unlovable, like I had grown thorns on my body. I had definitely built a wall around me to protect myself from the unhappy life that I lead with my husband. I honestly thought that the real me was gone, buried so deep that I wouldn’t get it back.
It took some time, a lot of time, in fact. And, while I worked to be content on the inside, it didn’t hurt when a man paid attention to me, whether as a date or a new friend. It felt good and made me feel like “I’ve still got it.” That is probably the icing on the “new-old Paula.”
Be OK with Yourself First
So, if you are in the position of having to start over, due to divorce or death, follow these steps and you will get it right. First, you need to be OK with yourself. If your life is in transition, this is the best time to take stock of who you are and who you want to be and figure out what changes, if any, need to be made. For me, I was in a business that I despised, and I needed to get out of that no matter what the consequences. I did and it cost me but I did it, because as long as I was trying to be something I was not my life was never going to improve. Getting out of that business allowed me to spend time thinking about what I wanted my life to look like moving forward. It gave me permission to dream. I was out from under a huge boulder.
I started thinking about what I used to like to do, before I met my husband, before I had children and before I was Mrs. Harer. My husband valued popularity: I know it sounds goofy but it is true. So, to make him like me I valued who I was outside myself. I wasn’t happy. I love being a party girl as much as the next person, but that as a constant was not fulfilling. Now I have a great time when I am with people but it does not define me. I knit, I go to the movies alone and I read. I am happy with myself.
When you can find that girl inside who you were many years ago, I think it makes for a more grounded feeling. I know who I am and I know what I like and what I don’t like and I don’t have to change that. How empowering is that?
Then Add in What You Like to Do
When I was first living alone again I joined everything I could in order to meet new people: neighborhood groups, a single women’s social group ( I think I would be more comfortable calling it a gang), a book club, and a couple other meetups. I needed to feel connected. But, after a while, I began to dread some of the meetings and realized that they just weren’t me. I could get to know more new people but I wasn’t enjoying the activities and the people weren’t necessarily a good fit for me. Lesson learned. However, I love singing in a citywide choir and I love volunteering in that choir at the women’s prison near my home. So, I have found out what I like to do and what I can live without and I am making changes in how I spend my time. I don’t want to do what I don’t want to do anymore.
Take the Risk
Now, the hard part. Dating after sixty is horrible. There’s no other way to put it. HORRIBLE! But if having a man in your life is something that you want, and I do like having a man in my life, then you just have to put yourself out there. Here’s how I look at it: I wasn’t going to meet someone by sitting at home and telling myself how gross online dating sites are. They are, it’s true, but they are what is available, so I just had to buck up and get onboard. The point I am making is that whatever method you use to meet a new partner or friend, you have to be proactive. When I was in my twenties I didn’t have to be proactive. Those days are over. And sitting on your couch complaining about how there are no men doesn’t help either.
I have met many frogs. And it’s not like all of them call me back, so I’m a frog too. But, once in a while, I have met a nice guy: he might be a friend or might be more. There are still a few great guys, but I would not have met them without taking the risk, without putting myself out there. So if you want to meet a partner or a friend, put on your big girl pants and get out there.
Going through all these steps have helped me figure out that I am OK exactly as I am, and if you are in the position of having to start over you may need to find out that you are OK just as you are as well. When you do, you will be able to start living life the way you always intended it to be.
What are you doing to find yourself again? What has worked for you and what has not? Can’t wait to hear!
Read MoreI think it goes without saying that the breakup of a family is always tragic. And the people who are hurt the most, the children, are the hardest hit, no matter their age. If you ask any child of divorced parents how it feels, he or she will most likely have nothing but sadness, even when things have worked out OK, whether that child five years old or fifty. I fail to remember, however, how much they already know, whether instinctively or first hand, about the issues in the marriage and the divorce. What I thought I was protecting my children from, well, I was kidding myself (go figure). It made me yearn for the days when they were young and I told my little Ryan that his guinea pig died of a heart attack (do you think there is such a thing?). While that made him sad, he didn’t have to know that the dog came down the stairs with the dead pet in his mouth! The problems that he has to deal with as the adult child of a broken family are too, too, too painful, even at his age, and I have tried to shelter my children from as much as I can. But I was made aware this weekend of what a poor job of sheltering I have actually been doing. I am telling you this: never underestimate your children. They know who you are.
I was reminded of that fact when in conversation with one of my sons about a difficult topic. I don’t discuss much about my relationship with their father but I needed to let my children know how I was feeling and a very wise friend told me that he thought I should open up the channels of communication, so I did. They were nothing but kind. They were nothing but smart. They were aware of issues that I thought I had kept well hidden, and had not. They were supportive and caring and loving and all of the things that we all want our children to be. I was blown away and I don’t know why: that is how they were raised.
So, if you are starting over, or started over twenty years ago, it doesn’t matter. Do not underestimate your children. They know who you are. As one of my sons said to me once, ” you raised us.” He was right, I did. And, you did. You raised your children to be the fine humans that they are now, so communicate with them. They will help you find the answers you need when you are struggling with something. After all, as I always say, “the nut doesn’t fall far from the tree.” ( I know the word is apple but in my case, nut is a little more accurate.)
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My husband pulled his car out of the driveway and took off for work, and I picked up a truck, loaded it and was moved out before he got home that same day. By about 8 p.m. I was living in a one-room loft with my dog and was no longer living under the same roof with the man I had married nearly 30 years prior. My stomach was in knots. A few friends and my children knew that I was leaving that day and some came down to help me get things set up a little. I was scared to death, but I knew it was the only thing left to do in a bad marriage that I had lived with for three decades. Now, it is two years later.
Other than my children, I could think of nothing good about that marriage. Sad but true. And now my hair had fallen out, I was a wreck and I looked like I was 100 years old because the only way I could sleep was to have too many cocktails. My life was a nightmare in 2015. I lived in hell and it was time: I was starting over.
I love my life now, but that didn’t happen overnight and being single after sixty is no day at the beach. Every day I cried for about a year and a half, not because I missed my husband, but because I missed a marriage that never was: a happy, healthy partnership. My fierce dedication to keeping my children’s family in one piece was, at best, misguided: the family was in one piece but was nothing like what a well-functioning family should be. I liken it to a piece of paper that has been torn up and taped back together. It is not exactly whole.
Do not think for a minute that I am saying that this hasn’t been the hardest thing I have ever done. It has. My friends are married couples mostly and they have been so good to me and have kept me busy, but that is not the same as going home with your partner and having someone to talk with at the end of the day. Much of my weekend I spend alone. It’s OK, but I have weekends when I have no plans until Monday. When I was married I called that the best weekend ever, now it can be a little isolating.
Life is Different Two Years Later
My adult children had one family before, now they have two and one of them does not include me. My husband would not move from our marital home so I had to move to a small apartment. It crushed me to think of leaving my home in order to leave my husband, but it has been the best thing that has ever happened to me, so thank you, husband. I could have been sitting in a big old house on a big old country club golf course (not a golfer) watching big old men playing golf, and maintaining my big new pool (OK, the pool is the one thing I miss at that house). We had people who maintained the yard, the trees, the snow removal, the pool, the irrigation system, the plumbing, the fireplaces. You get the picture. And that would have been on me. Now, my idea of home maintenance is running the dishwasher!
Moving Forward
Fast forward to 2017 and what my life looks like today. I am at ease and confident and happy. I smile all the time. Personally, I know that I look better than I have for at least 15 years. I have a little more hair now and I am not shaking all the time, so that’s a plus. I had added the weight of the marriage to my body: I ate my way through my married life. Guess I need to work on that now that all else has fallen into place. Everything I own is in one room. I had to leave a lot behind: lots of family photos and furniture and lots of memories. So now I just have to make new memories. Happy memories. Memories that don’t include my husband. New memories for me and my children.
So, Cheers to Me! I am so excited to see what the future holds for me.
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Since I am starting over at sixty, I get a do-over…a second chance, late in the game, at life. I don’t take that for granted. It wasn’t the way I thought my life would go, but here I am. So, I am taking control of what I want my life to look like, how I want my days and weeks and months to look for the next 30 years (or more), I hope.
Where to Start: Know Your Step One
In planning what my life will look like I am picking a starting point and working out from there. For me, the starting point is my kids. Not one of them lives in our hometown any longer. Maybe one day, but for now, they are spread out across the country. So, it is critical that I be able to travel to visit them or travel with them often. That is a must, that is my tent pole. So, whatever I am doing, I want to be able to pick up and go. I want to be mobile. A couple of things might make it a little tough, like this guy, my dog Red, but he is my bestie so we are in it together
Be Patient and Work Your Plan
I am not complaining about my age…I love where I am and who I am. But, I do know that time isn’t infinite (something that wasn’t on my radar when I was young). In the past, I have had a tendency to jump in head first. Now, I don’t want to waste any time, so I am more pensive about where I am going and what I am doing.
My children aren’t all settled yet. So I am using this time to get ready for the next phase of life. I am not sure what it is, but I feel a real peace knowing that it will present itself to me at the right time. It sounds kind of out-there, I know, but I really do feel it. I am moving in the right direction.
Visualize What Success Will Look Like
When I use the word success, I don’t mean it in monetary terms. It doesn’t have to be a big house or a lot of money. I mean, what will a day in my life look like if I get what I want? When I got married, I had a vision of what life would look like. When I had children I had an idea of what my life would look like. This is no different. What will success be if I get what I want? As a mom. As a grandma (someday). As a partner (maybe). As a volunteer in the community. As a friend.
I get a smile on my face when I think about it, so I must be on the right path.
Take Action
Now, work your way there. If you want to learn something new, learn it. If you want to look different, work on it. If you want more money, work toward it.
Honestly, I don’t know if any of my plans will unfold, but it’s in the process that I find happiness.
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