I like to try new things. I always have. Especially if it is something that I am not good at. I was afraid of motorcycles so I took the classes. Why they passed me I will never know. When I went to buy a motorcycle I knew there was no way that I could drive it home. I had to have it delivered. They told me I was not the first person to do that, thank heavens. I bought all the motorcycle clothes and my fancy helmet and drove it maybe 20 miles over 2 years and donated it to Goodwill. I was still scared of it. I guess I thought my husband would get interested in it and join me. I saw us on long drives in the Hocking Hills on a beautiful Sunday. He saw me doing that while he did anything else. Lesson learned.
I had never had one accounting class and I felt that I was lacking because of it. I took accounting, online. About chapter 3 I figured out why I hadn’t studied accounting. I hated it. When I looked at the pages in the book my eyes crossed. I kept trying to get interested and I just couldn’t do it. I am all about girls in math and science, but sadly, no matter how cool I think it is, I am not one of them. Lesson learned.
So when it became clear that my husband found women who were nothing like me more attractive, I decided to be someone else. I decided that I could own restaurants. Well, I could, that was true, but I hated every day of it and I was terrible at it. In my mind I saw it going so differently and I thought it might bring us closer together. I thought he might become more interested in me. I thought we might be able to solve problems together, go over ideas together. You know, like a real husband and wife. I could not have been more wrong. Lesson learned.
I can name a hundred other times when I wanted to be good at something and was sure that I could do it, only to find that I couldn’t make myself good at it. I could not force myself to learn it or practice it or use it. I don’t think that I am not smart enough, or coordinated enough or that I don’t have a strong skill set. I am just better at some things than I am at others, and as I start my life over, I don’t think I have to change that. When I was married I was trying to be everything that I wasn’t, because clearly, I wasn’t enough. So I tried to be everything and was so miserable.
Now, I know my lane. That doesn’t mean I always have to stay in my lane, but I am becoming crystal clear on what I am good at, what I am interested in and what I like to spend my time doing. I used to say yes to everything. I was on committees that I dreaded. I was in organizations that were not of any interest, just to be in them. I did things socially that I really didn’t enjoy. Now I am done with all of that. Done done done. No more. Every day isn’t a picnic, but I know my lane. I know who I am. And, lots of things that I like to do are nerdy, but that’s me.
Oh Paula, so true. I have just moved to a new city, bought a house on my own and had such big ideas about how it all would go. So far, I have been so scared so much of the time. Scared of what? I am not sure but I think it is just being wrong. Again…….
My marriage was very similar to what you describe and it about broke me. Before this move I had become quite comfortable in my relatively uneventful life. I only had a couple of friends and we only occasionally got together. They are married and I am not with anyone. SInce the move, I am questioning every decision I make. What have I done?
I really had (I thought) thought it through. Maybe I am just being impatient as it has only been a month. I am quite active in the local ecovillage and doing as much as I can related to these kind of issues.
I am writing a book about sustainable choices everyone can make. I have two dogs that are sensing my strain and reacting to it which just makes my anxiety worse.
What can I do to regain my confidence?
Beth, first, thank you for reading and thank you for your comment. It sounds like you have been extremely active and you have taken charge of your life by making some big changes. Maybe now is the time to tweak those changes. I have seen your Facebook page and clearly, you are passionate and well versed on the topic of plastic and our environment. Could you find some speaking engagements at your local library or non-profit groups to spread the word? That might be a good way to expand your circle of friends more quickly and would introduce you to some like minded people. No matter what, give it time. I know you are having some miserable days and nights, but wouldn’t you think that you should give it a least six months, or better yet, a year before you make another drastic change? Talk with a professional who can give you some ideas on how to tweak your new life to move you forward. It takes a lot of guts to do what you have done and I commend you for taking a big first step. Now, take a beat and breathe before you make any other big change and I think you will find that even if this isn’t the right place for you, you can say to yourself that you gave it every chance to be a fit and it just wasn’t. Keep in touch.