I have found that when I look back at my life and my friendships, I have a mixed bag of emotions. My family was small, and is now even smaller. We are small but mighty! So, I have had to look to friends to fill some of those spaces in my heart and in my life that others fill with family. And over the past couple of years, I have had to look to friends for the support I needed to move forward in my new single world. I felt so alone when I first moved out on my own I would go to the opening of an envelope if I was invited: I was lonely and afraid and sad. Luckily, that time has passed. I have made some new friends in my new life who I know will be friends forever. And, I have made some acquaintances that will probably remain just that. All good.
As I think about the important friendships of my life, I look at the ones from childhood first. My friend from elementary school that remains the longest and strongest could not be more unlike me. I always say that one day we reached a fork in the road and I went toward the stilettos and she followed the earth shoes path. We have had times when we didn’t get along and times when we didn’t see eye to eye, but that passed or smoothed over or just drifted off as a memory. My other close friend from high school and I are the same way. I remember that we had times when we didn’t speak for months, but I can’t remember why. Doesn’t matter. When I am feeling like I need a pick-me-up I go visit her and we laugh and I come back better. Then there is my long time friend who is often my date! We depend on one another, and we do lots together and it works for us. We get grouchy with each other once in a while then we get over it. We see each other ten times in one week and not again for another couple of weeks, and then back, and on it goes. I would call these people my emergency contacts. The first responders!
Then there are those people who have held me up for the past few years. They wrapped their collective arms around me to keep me afloat. They have their own busy lives and families but often include me and I am flattered when they do. Really! I think it is an honor to be one of the people who gets invited to others’ family functions: I feel like they must think of me as someone who will add to the mix rather than detract because I am not a mandatory invitation. Those are the people who let me be the third, fifth, seventh, ninth wheel. They helped me move to my new place. They invite me to watch games or for holidays. They go to a movie with me when I ask. They help me feel normal. They were a big part of my old life and they are a big part of my new life. And, as our lives change we will continue to be friends.
Who Would You Take to the Trenches?
One of my friends referred to me as a woman who he would take with him to the trenches, along with his wife and mother and sister. I was, of course, flattered. But, I think of that phrase a lot. And I think of who of my friends I would take into the trenches. I add people to my list and subtract them, too, because I also have to look at the friendships that I have lost or dropped. Some were my fault and some were not. I can only know my part in the disintegration of those friendships. Some of them I am sorry about and some I don’t miss one bit. I know myself well enough to know that while I am a good friend to others, I have high expectations of those people I called real friends, and if I don’t find that on the other end, I drop out. If I feel any distrust, I am gone. It doesn’t mean that they are bad people, just not for me at this time. I am pretty solid on the trust thing, and I get anxiety when I am around those people who I can’t trust (enter my soon to be former husband). When I am around anyone I don’t trust, I am so uncomfortable that I know I have to get out of that situation. That is true of friendships, my marriage, a professional environment: I get out.
So take a look at those around you. Do you wish you could make changes, or do you feel secure in your own personal community? The strength of that group of people can make or break your happiness, but you can always make changes. It isn’t a static state, but one that evolves.
