I was with a newish friend last week for dinner and we were just chatting and he said to me, “And?” I didn’t know what he meant. I wish I could remember what our exact conversation was, but I can’t. I looked at him and he said it again, “And?” It was all about how I needed to lose the frame of my story.
He said, “I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I keep hearing about how you got to this point (meaning the end of my marriage, how I got my footing back, etc.), but then what? I don’t want to hear you start with that anymore. I’ve heard it.”
That was it. He didn’t hurt my feelings at all. I just didn’t realize that I always lead with my divorce. I don’t know if it’s because I write about it so much or if it’s because it kind of frames where I am and why I’m here, but I do tell my story an awful lot. Am I telling that story over and over again to pat myself on the back? To say, “Look what I did, I left a man with big money and a big house and big fancy cars and I am so brave and noble.” Maybe. Maybe I think I had status then and now I do not. Maybe.
And, that is my own soul searching moment right there. I didn’t even know I felt that way. Do I think I am better than the life I am leading now? I hope not, but I might and that is a hard pill to swallow. It is eye opening for me. I may still have a hangup about being divorced. Maybe I am marginalizing myself and if that’s the case, I can’t move forward.
Let me say that my friend had no idea what a firestorm he was igniting in my brain when he said that but I have thought of nothing else since. I have framed this chapter of my life with who I was, and that makes me mad at myself. I don’t want to give any power to that bad marriage and bad man, and by basing my current and future existence on it, I have done just that.
That stops now! Really, that stops now. It has actually taken an enormous burden off my shoulders. I no longer have to carry that big fat “boohoo for me” weight around my neck. Done. From now on my story starts after my marriage.
I know I’m not the only one who frames her life now with her previous life. Check yourself. Are you guilty of this as well? If so, only you can make that change. Only you can re-write your story. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it.
So right with what I am experiencing. I appreciate you. You are so much better at expressing yourself than me. But I know I can start with a blank slate… add those parts of my
Life that are good (children, successes) and define who I want to bring to the table, subtract the parts that I need to let go of ( the divorce and some unhealthy beliefs attached) and begin to write a true, story positive story. Then I can be so much less “about me” and more “others focused”. Challenging, but necessary. Thanks for encouraging me.
Hi – Here’s my own story https://middleagedfreeandsingle.com/
He left me, and it only happened 4 months ago, not 4 years ago – but apart from that the similarities are many. It’s not what defines us! We might not yet know what DOES define us, but we at least know what doesn’t.
What a nice site! Thank you for your comment and best of luck.
I have just read your blog for the first time and this entry matches what I have been doing for the past 6 years. After a 32 year marriage he left with someone much younger. I was devastated. My whole world was turned upside down and I had to move and figure out how to live as a divorced woman. I appreciate your positivity and really don’t know how to get there, and have had a 6 year pity party(this sounds terrible and I hate to admit it). I am impressed that you are already dating! This is a big obstacle to me; I am lonely, and tired of going out alone or staying at home like a hermit, but I am terrified of putting myself out there again and being hurt. My children do not live nearby, but we do visit every month or so. Oh, and I am sixty years old. Need some strong advice on how to start living again.
Karen, I would love to help you through this. I offer personal consulting for women who need help finding a path to happiness. I know I can help you.
How do I begin?
Karen, I think you just begin where you want to make the most change, the most headway. If you need further help from me, schedule a call and we can take it from there. Good Luck!