I can’t count the number of times I have written a post about loneliness. I think it is one of the most important factors in the lives of single women over fifty, and it is the main culprit in diminishing the quality of our lives if we let it. Some loneliness we just have to accept as part of life and growing older, but if you pay attention to the signs of loneliness and what is causing it for you there is a way to manage it.
Webster’s Dictionary defines loneliness as being without company. That’s alone in my book, not loneliness. Or sad from being alone. Nope, that’s not it either. Then it goes on to extend the definition as producing sadness and bleakness. Now that is closer. But I think I have come up with an explanation for my own lonely times that is helping me learn to better cope.
You need to know this, I love being alone. I always have. It might stem from my being an only child, a child who probably had more privacy than my friends who had three or four or five children in the family. As soon as I graduated from college, I got my own apartment. This doesn’t mean that I don’t like people, I do. As a matter of fact, I am super social. I love to be around lots of people. At the same time, I love reading and knitting and watching television alone. I can entertain myself for hours and days and weeks. Having time alone is awesome.
I am happy to be alone until it hits me that my children and friends are having fun without me! I am talking about holidays or long weekends traveling: when I think everyone is out having fun and I am not I get lonely. I feel left out and I feel sad. So I believe loneliness is not just being alone, it is being alone and missing something. Missing out. Missing something that you used to have or do. I was talking with a woman yesterday who told me that since her partner died she is so lonely. I get that: she had one life that she enjoyed and now that is gone and she misses it. Loneliness is in the missing.
One of the loneliest feelings for me is when my adult children are with their dad, now that I am divorced. It is not that I think they are having more fun with him than they are with me (don’t worry, they are not). It is the feeling that my time with them is cut in half, that I don’t get the whole holiday or visit. Just my part of it. Hate it hate it hate it and that is probably the loneliest feeling in the world.
So what can I do to combat the lonely times in my life? What can you do? First, plan ahead. Thanksgiving comes around every year and this year will be no exception. Get ready for it. I have been planning my holiday, well probably since last year. You don’t have to go that far, but make sure you have a plan in place, whether that is a movie or a Turkey Trot or dinner with friends. Never ever think that you can just ride it out with a good book and a bottle (did I say bottle? I meant glass) of something. You will end up more depressed and feel more alone than you did before. I have three holiday weekends that make me come unglued: Martin Luther King Day, President’s Day and Labor Day. Two are freezing and dark and one signals the end of summer. I know myself and I know I need to plan for those. If I don’t I will be miserable. It doesn’t have to be fancy, just something that keeps me occupied and happy and busy.
So prepare yourself. Don’t let that monster eat you, you eat that loneliness monster!
