Repost from 3/8/2016

It has been clear to me for a long time that I am not the same girl I used to be.  I changed along the way, and I didn’t know if I was coming back.

I always felt that I was kind of fun to be around.  And, I certainly thought my husband would agree. But, from the start of our marriage, I was, apparently, mistaken.  I felt like “the old ball and chain,” and I knew that wasn’t me. But I must have been…right?  Why else would he treat me that way?

So I would try harder and harder and harder.  And, by the time I realized that I had built a fortress around myself to protect me from the heartache, the old Paula was long gone.  I knew what would fix it, but I couldn’t do it.

I used to have a saying, “for a better marriage, just lower your expectations.” It worked for me but is so sad.

Today that Paula is getting farther and farther in my rearview mirror: I can feel myself coming back to who I am, opening up from the inside out.  I can stand back and see how ridiculous it all was.

I can say without hesitation, I was enough.  Our family was enough. Our family should have been the focus, not a distraction.

I can breathe now.  While I am so sad that my marriage didn’t make it, it makes me happy to know that my children will get to know the real Mom all over again.  I think they will be surprised at the me that they didn’t know existed.  The happy, light-hearted, fun person who had been buried under the weight of an unhappy marriage and all the sadness that came along with that.  They will get to know Paula, not just Mom.  Can’t wait for that to happen.