Don’t confuse loneliness with sadness: that’s a tall order, right? But, I have realized lately that there are times when I am doing just that, confusing loneliness with sadness. For me, the lines are blurred, but trying to figure out which one I am feeling helps me come up with the right distraction to get through it.
Was I Feeling Loneliness or Sadness?
I realized that what I was feeling was sadness rather than loneliness over the holidays. I was a little blue the closer I got to the actual festivities. The kids were coming in and I had so much to look forward to but there was an underlying feeling that I couldn’t pinpoint. I was busy, busy, busy and almost never alone, but felt lonely.
It wasn’t loneliness at all. It was sadness. Sadness for what the holidays look like versus what I wish they were: happy, whole family celebrations. Decorating, cooking, wrapping for everyone under one roof with parties and church and a big bow to wrap it all up. I miss it, mess and all: laundry everywhere, waking up when everyone comes in late, hearing about the night before. Now, the reality is the back and forth that comes with a split family. I always feel like I am missing something. I am not present when my children are having part of their Christmas. Hate it. Hate, hate, hate it. And, that is not loneliness at all. It is pure sadness.
Three Things to Try
So how can one help herself through a little sadness? These are on my checklist now for when I am feeling sadness and one or all of them may work for you:
- Know what you are feeling. If I know what I am sad about, I can work on how to “treat” it. For me, it means asking myself what I haven’t had time for in teh past, like maybe watching a moving and knitting, or reading. When I was married and had an intact family, that was often not on the agenda Not the same but I have to spin it for myself sometimes.
- I give myself a gift. I know that sounds crazy, but when one lives alone, there are, most likely, fewer gifts at birthdays, Valentine’s Day and Christmas. So this year I gave myself a bottle of perfume that I love. Not a big deal, I know, but it is not something I can pick up at Costco so it feels like a treat.
- Finally, I have a conversation with myself. I know, I know, that sounds so lame, but I do it. It sounds like this, “OK Girlie, this is how it is going to be for the rest of your life. How can you handle it from here on out?” Otherwise, I risk being the “have to make her happy” parent rather than the “ can’t wait to see her” parent with my children and their families.
None of this is perfect, I know. But we all have to work with the hand that we are dealt. The more I take charge of managing my feelings the more likely I am to win with that hand.
How do you deal with sadness? How do you deal with loneliness? I hope you will share your ideas.
This is my first time reading your blog and I really enjoy it!
We all know at our age that life has it’s ups and downs but I
believe that my attitude is 95% responsible for my Happiness
and Inner Peace. Thank you for reaffirming that belief!
I really like your prayer structure and will give it a try but would
like to add that I always end my prayers with asking for help to
accept God’s will no matter if I like it or not! Thanks for your Honesty
Susan, I appreciate your wise words.
I so felt where you were. Nice to know I’m not alone. My husband who I was with for 42 years left me foe ex best friend. Special occasions are so different. When my kids and grandkids are over There it hurts but like you said you have to deal with the hand your dealt. Enjoy the time you do have with them and try to keep busy other times.
I must say though I am lonely as well as sad. Too much time alone even though I’ve tried to join different things etc. My health doesn’t allow me to do many things.
Anger is difficult emotion to get rid of. It only hurts me. I’ve tried meditation and hypnosis and councelling. One day this will pass. Every day you can put two feet on the floor is a good day
I am so sorry for your pain Deborah.
Oh Paula,
I am sorry that you so much hate not being able to be part of your family for the whole of Christmas.
I’m not sure what age your children are or whether they have families of their own but it’s a fact – we aren’t part of all that they do once they’re grown up.
Occasionally my three children have all got together with their father and I feel ….what do I feel? ? I think that it’s just that I feel left out. It’s fine when just one of them is with him, and I certainly don’t want to be with him but it’s when they’re being a family and I’m not part of. Complex, confused – I feel both these things. I guess he may feel the same when they are all with me and my husband.
Enjoy them when you have them. XXX
Thank you for the insight Eloise.
Really enjoyed reading your blog. Thanks for being here for me and others
Thank you for taking time to read and stay in touch.
I have been thinking about similar issues lately. My ex left me for one of my best friends while we were going to counseling and trying to work things out! Unfortunately, he died after 5 years of her cooking (!) and working long hours 7 days a week. Now, many times when we get together with my 2 sons and their families, she and I are both included. It can be awkward… especially when she tries to pull me aside to tell me an intimate story about her and my ex! SO, that said… I’ve noticed that when I am the most unhappy –be it this or something else– it is because the reality of what IS happening does not match what I WISH was happening. It means that I have not fully reached a level of acceptance of “what is” and need to work a bit more on that. It also means I have choices re what to say or do. I’m assertive enough to not let her get to me anymore, but diplomatic enough to not force my kids to take sides. Unfortunately, even though I was married to my ex for over 25 years, she got the 2.2 million he was worth when he passed away! Know what, though? I’m doing OK! Onwards and upwards!
I have to say that trying to work on the marriage through counseling and finding out that your husband is somewhere “outside” the marriage would be a hard pill to swallow. You are spot on when talking about what you thought your life would look like and what the reality is. I hope moving forward you keep your positive outlook. Stay in touch.
I, too, miss the way holidays used to be. I am still married, so I have not experienced the pain of my spouse hurting me so cruelly as some posters have. My holidays are lonely though. I have one child on the opposite coast from us who we see very little. One child is gay and is in a committed relationship. We have no grandchildren and will not have any. Our children have been pretty adamant about that. I have very little family left and what I do have have significant health problems. The holidays remind me of how alone I am.
I really enjoy the topics in this web site. They seem to pertain more to my life than other sites. Thank you.
No matter what your circumstances, I think that as we age, our holidays become more about sharing our families than they were when we were young. And, sometimes that isn’t fun and can feel lonely. It sounds like you feel that loneliness even when not sharing your children with inlaws and I am so sorry for your pain. Christmas is the one day of the year that can really bring us up on a high, or send us to our lowest point. Hope you next one is a happy time.