Do you lack confidence? I came across an article in the Wall Street Journal this week about women in the workplace lacking confidence: young women were the focus, so I didn’t give it much thought since I am not one of those. Then I was meeting with my coach, Robin McAllister-Zaas, and we started talking about the fact that I lack confidence because of my body, a body that is what I like to call ample. I told her that I don’t like to post photos of myself because I don’t like my body (maybe I need counseling rather than a coach!). As we talked I realized that much of my lack of confidence can be traced right back to my unhappy marriage and that I need to take a good hard look at how that has changed my self-perception. That lack of confidence among women appears to be universal, whether you are young or old, single or married, a professional or not, a mom or not.
I was first made aware of how severe my lack of confidence was when I started dating again. I thought I was the most hideous troll on the planet, and so old that no one would ever look at me again. I had barnacles. Wonder where that came from? I thought I would live out my life knitting blankets with cat hair I collected, which would mean I would have to get a cat. Then, in what can only be considered a miracle, I went on a few dates and guess what, I wasn’t so gross after all. Men who were actually alive and breathing wanted to go out with me. Quelle shock! Not only go out, but they were interested in what I had to say. They thought I was pretty and nice and fun and smart, all the things that I thought had vanished. I knew I was those things 30 years ago but thought that I had lost my groove. Then, Paula got her groove back!
When I look back at my marriage, I know that I began to feel less confident as soon as I became an at-home mom. I know I was not alone. I truly believe that my husband lost interest in me at that time and I bought into his ridiculous thinking. I bought it! I let that make me feel small and unimportant. I can’t believe I let that happen. I am honestly a pretty tough cookie so if that happened to me I can’t imagine what it can do to a woman who lacks confidence from the start. Back to the Wall Street Journal article, I don’t think the lack of confidence that I experienced is much different from the lack of confidence that young women, or any women for that matter, face in the workplace. Those women feel like they don’t deserve a seat at the table just as I thought I didn’t deserve, well, anything.
Whatever the reason, men exude much more confidence, even when they are not. Remember that, even when they are not. And we buy it. But, as women, we have to do a better job. If I could talk to the at-home mom Paula now, I would say, “you are the same confident woman you were the day you got married. You had a career, you were smart, you were attractive, and you were confident. On the last day of the job, you were confident and the next day should have been no different.”
I learned a valuable lesson from my divorce attorney that did improve my confidence when I had to face contentious meetings with my husband in the room. Those meeting made me a basket case for days prior. My attorney had me rehearse over and over and over. That is something that I would have never thought of on my own. I worked on every scenario out loud, and when I got to the meeting, I was confident. I could not be rattled. I could not be minimized or made to feel stupid. So here is the key to confidence: know your stuff. Know how to prepare yourself for the next day, whatever is happening, so that people think you are the confident one in the room. Because you are!
I am attaching the link for the WSJ article in case you have interest in reading more.
