Style at Any Age
The answer is yes, looks matter, but not in the way you might think. It truly doesn’t matter what you look like, it matters what you think you look like. Those of you who are Starting Over at SIxty Sisters may have heard this story and if so, I apologize.
I went to a wedding one Saturday evening solo. If you have done this you know, it isn’t easy. Honestly, I had poured myself into my outfit and I felt terrible: yanking my blouse down all night and twisting my skirt back where it belonged. I hated myself!
The next morning I put on a new outfit, one that I thought made me look like a million bucks, and I felt like I looked great. I felt confident, I felt professional and I felt like I was on top of my game. So what was the difference? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I looked exactly the same in that 12 hour period but I felt awful in one outfit and great in another. The only difference was the way I felt, not the clothes on my back. It wasn’t about the cost of the clothes or the style or the size or the color. It was about how I felt.
So, you can imagine how I carried myself when I was feeling like dog poop. I sat in my chair longer than I normally would have and I didn’t mingle or put myself out there in any way. Fast forward to the next day, when I thought I was the belle of the ball, talking to people, introducing myself and reaching out to others. The polar opposite of who I had been 12 hours prior. AND NOTHING HAD CHANGED.
Think about this, if I only kept the clothes in my closet that make me feel like a rockstar, what would change? How would my life be different on a daily basis? I can tell you: your mood would be elevated. You would have some pep in your step. You would take more risks because you would have more confidence in your self and the way you look. But remember this: the only change would be in your head. the only person who needs to think you look good is you.
You can decide whether or not to clean out your closet and toss those pieces that don’t make you feel good about yourself. At the very least, pull out your five favorite outfits and wear them this week and see how it changes your attitude. I promise you will feel your mood lift and you will feel better about yourself, because looks do matter but only in your head.
Read MoreI went to a very inspirational meeting last week in New York where I was blown away by the accomplished speakers, all women in my age group. The audience was all women around my age as well. One of the speakers was an ageism expert and her talk was forceful and aggressive and highly motivating. However, quite a bit of her time was spent speaking about why women color their hair and have plastic surgery to look younger: her point was that we were buying into the youth culture ourselves, or at least that’s what I took away from her speech. She had a note of heightened anger in her voice and I thought to myself, “No more shaming! Take a look around the room.”
The sold-out crowd was full of the most beautiful women I had ever seen, and by beautiful, I mean it in the most inclusive sense of the word. They were black and white, tall and short, fat and thin, American and women from other countries. There were women wearing conservative suits and women in Birkenstocks. I saw women with every style and color of hair you can imagine. Every style of glasses, handbag, hat, and scarf was represented. Hair was curly and straight and blonde, black, gray, and red. I loved every minute of my people watching, so much so that I just found a seat and sat down without introducing myself to anyone or joining in any conversations. It was fascinating to me.
And as I thought about whether or not I was buying into the youth culture, as my speaker made me feel a little ashamed, I thought to myself, “Isn’t doing what I want to do, looking the way I want to look, about as independent and mature thinking as it gets? Shouldn’t I be allowed to do whatever I want to do with my body and hair? Is that not the point? I color my hair because I like the color of my hair. I like my boobs closer to my chin than my knees and that’s why I had them lifted, more than once. If that makes me happy and gave me more confidence, then what is the issue? Being able to do exactly what we want with our own bodies is what our freedom is all about, right?
Shaming women who want to color their hair or have plastic surgery is no better than holding negative opinions about women who do not. Ageism isn’t about the color of hair: ageism is about discrimination based on age. What I was seeing in that room was the power and vitality of women over 50. I was “studying” a room full of smart, diverse, intelligent women from all walks of life who are more than their looks, but who have earned the right to look just the way they want. So stop the shaming. Embrace the differences that make us all unique, even if they come in a bottle!
Honestly, in my opinion, it is such a waste of time to talk about a woman’s looks when there is so much more to each and every one of us.
Read MoreThree years ago I ran away from home: I moved out of the home that I shared with my husband before he returned from work at 6 p.m. I moved into a one-room industrial loft, the one in the photo here, that I absolutely loved. The apartment felt small and safe. It was the one little place where I could hide from the world while my marriage was crumbling.
Last Saturday I took a giant step in building a happy life for myself again: I moved again. I now own my own condo (well, of course, the bank owns my condo!). I have lots of space and a wonderful view, two stories and the biggest closet I have ever owned (I will post some pictures when the boxes are unpacked)! And, while it is filled to the brim with boxes right now, it represents a new beginning for me; a new, happy chapter filled with hope and success and family and friends. “All that, just from changing your address,” you might ask. Yes! Yes! Yes! When I moved to my loft, I felt that it was important for it to look like home for my adult children. I wanted them to know that no matter where I lived, it would be their home. It might have been just one room, but it was their home. And that’s what it was, their home.
Now, while this is still their home, it is my home, it is me. My new place is not a miniature replica of my married life: it is a home for a single woman over 60 who has a full, exciting life. It is a place where I can entertain, where my children can sleep in separate rooms when they visit (rather than all in one room) and it is a place where I can really start my life over. There is nothing about it that screams, “I am a sad, sad woman who is having to pick up the pieces of her failed marriage and trudge through life.” Instead, I feel like it says, “Paula has overcome a mountain of obstacles and look at her now!”
Join My New Program!
So, I am launching a test program for Starting Over at Sixty followers designed to build community among women who are 50+ and single and want to live the fullest lives possible. I mention it here because the focus of the group will be how to take steps forward in order to live a life on the outside the way you feel on the inside: vibrant, vital and relevant. I want you to live in alignment! I hope you will join other women who support each other through this chapter of life. Please register here. This test group is 100% free and launches August 1, 2018. I can’t wait to get started!
Read MoreI first saw a bamboo handbag last summer when my daughter-in-law was carrying one. Now, they are everywhere! So I grabbed a black one and I think it looks fun and fresh for this second half of summer. I use little cosmetic bags inside so no one can see exactly what I am carrying (as if they want to see what is in my purse!). And, it doesn’t break the bank.
Read MoreI often read about women deciding to stop coloring their hair and letting it grow out naturally: there are even Facebook pages dedicated to it. They have decided to take the plunge. And, I know so many women who look fantastic in their gray/white hair. They say they feel liberated, that they feel free. Hooray! They are standing up to the evil hair dye companies and I say yippee for them. But, it seems like we applaud the women who go gray as if by doing so they are more authentic, more real, more attuned to their inner self. Well, that is a bunch of hooey! It is hair color for goodness sakes. A murderer could have gray hair. A thief could have gray hair. How does that make them better, and more importantly, how does that make me, a hair color enthusiast, less in touch with myself?
I get that it might be a nice change, not to have to sit in the chair at the salon for an hour waiting to process. Congratulations! And, it might be freeing to feel like everyone now sees you as you were meant to be seen. But come on! Letting your gray shine through doesn’t make you Mother Teresa. It doesn’t mean you are a better woman than the one sitting next to you who is all colored up. Having your gray show doesn’t make you more in touch with your inner self, it doesn’t mean that you are mentally dealing with your age in a positive way better than those of us who color our locks. It means that you just stopped getting your hair dyed. It’s like not getting your nails done. Big deal!
I have been feeling like a little bit of a phony because I bought into all that, “Look at me. I am so secure with myself that I don’t cover my gray hair anymore.” You are not embracing your age any more than I am, with my gray covered. For all I know, the same women who are striking a blow for the women’s movement by going gray may be at the plastic surgeon’s office getting their faces filled to erase the lines.
This is all I am saying: I color my hair and I don’t think that makes me less authentic than the next woman. It doesn’t make me less empowered. It makes me a woman with brown hair. Will I be turned down for the next March on Washington because of my highlights? I hope not. What I want us to all see is that every woman is part of the story. “I take pride in who I am and I color my hair.” There, I said it. It feels good to get that off my chest and out in the open. Now that is freeing.
When I decide to stop coloring my hair, I will. But until that time I don’t want to feel like I am ashamed of my age. I am just meeting it at the shampoo bowl!
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