Self Discovery
I know I know I know, last week I wrote a post about giving yourself a break and allowing yourself to drop out of a couple of commitments in order to not feel weighed down but what you “should” do. And, I stand by that: it can lighten your mood tremendously. However, what I am talking about today is showing up fully for your life.
I was thinking about a friend of mine this week. She walks into every room like she is making a grand stage entrance. When she hugs you, you know you’ve been hugged. The woman seems to do everything, absolutely everything, at 100%. Whether it is working or playing, she attacks life.
I admire this quality and I want to emulate it for a couple of reasons. First, this woman is a blast to be around and I find myself looking forward to seeing her. I am happy to run into her. And, I want others to feel the same way about me, I want others to look forward to spending time with me. When I was newly single I felt lonely and isolated, then I realized that the only person who could make sure that I wasn’t lonely was me. I want to be a person who others are happy to run into.
But, showing up is more than that. Think about the times when you have had to help “host” even when the event had nothing to do with you. Maybe you were at a shower for a close friend’s daughter and you ended up being the one to entertain Grandma. That is showing up. That is what it means to show up and help ensure that the event is a success. Whether it is dinner or a party or Thanksgiving, I want to be a person who shows up. I want others to know that they can count on me to show up.
So, think about whether you are just walking through life, or are you really showing up for everything you do. If not, it’s time to change. I want you to show up for everything you do to improve your life. You will feel a fullness to your life. And, when your head hits the pillow you will feel like you have squeezed everything you could out of your day.
How do you define showing up for your life?
Read MoreDo you ever feel mad at yourself for committing to something that you just don’t want to do? I know you know what I mean. You just don’t have time and no one will miss you if you aren’t there, but you committed and you aren’t that person who doesn’t follow up on her commitments. Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s OK to change your mind.
Recently I found myself feeling down and I came to a major realization about why. That is a much longer story, but one of the issues I was having was that I had committed to a few things that I just didn’t want to do. Nothing big, but they were preventing me from making plans for times that seemed like they were going to be much more fun. Now, I am the girl who always shows up, even when no one else does. I am dependable. If I say I will be there I will be there. And, I know that’s a good quality.
However, that “I never let anyone down” piece of me had gone way too far. I had become too rigid. I was not enjoying myself as much as I should have been because I was actually being overly responsible (I know that sounds crazy). I was becoming a Debbie Downer within my own mind! It was just silly.
Then, within a matter of minutes, I changed my mind, and it was OK. I changed a couple of plans and I had a great evening with friends I lightened up the reigns on my dating life and found that every date doesn’t have to be over thought. It can just be a date and now I am having lots of fun again. And, I figured out that every decision I make isn’t set in stone. It was just a decision and now I am making another one. All of this has changed my life! Really!
Of course, I am not advocating ditching important commitments and loved family and friends, but I am suggesting that, if you are like me and sometimes too rigid, it might not be a bad thing to throw caution to the wind and change your plans. There is absolutely no reason not to when it comes to your happiness. Sometimes it pays to make a change.
Try it and let me know how it feels. Do you feel a little naughty? Good. Oh, by the way, the photo above is yarn and knitting needles: I canceled going to a knitting group because I didn’t have a project to work on and was feeling guilty. Problem solved!
Read MoreRepost from 1/20/2016
Sometimes you are freed from something that you didn’t know was holding you back. That’s me. And it’s not just the age thing. I’ve never been one to worry about my age that much. My Mother died at 49 (cancer) and my Father died at 55 (stroke). So I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have the opportunity to turn sixty. To be here with my kids at sixty. To get to see them as young adults and beyond. I am a grateful girl at this point. I love sixty!
It is a great time to be unhitching my self from my husband. I had no idea how beat down I had felt for years (not physically, let me make that clear). I was oppressed by the lack of trust in my marriage and that darkened everything in my life. Waiting for him to come home, maybe, and not knowing what that was going to look like was torture. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it always dropped eventually. I built a fortress around myself for protection. I had no idea the enormity of the weight of that fortress and it is gone. Read…my…lips……..gone!
And, while I was living with that, my business was oppressive because I really just didn’t like it and wasn’t good at it. I did it to impress him. It did not. I have been carrying too much weight because there had to be some “place” of happiness and ice cream was that place. I was drinking too much, well, you know why. I was living in a big house on a golf course because I thought that if we moved there maybe my husband would like me better. He just likes golf better now.
I sold the restaurants, I moved to a one room, 1000 sq. foot loft apartment: my husband wanted to keep the house because living on the golf course makes him feel like a big man: you’re welcome. I probably drink less but Have fun more. I am never going to like working out, but I am doing so for way better reasons than to try to make my husband like me again. Funny, I seem to have lost about 195 lbs. (you get my drift I’m sure).
Hooray for me! Happy Birthday!
Read MoreWould you want to spend time with… you? That’s a strange question, isn’t it? But I’m serious. The way you present yourself when you sit down for coffee at the local coffee shop or the way you introduce yourself to a possible love interest; would you look forward to hearing what you had to say? Let’s look at this.
I spend time with lots of single women over sixty and one thing I can tell you about us women, single or married, is that as we age, we get a little grouchy (the same goes for men but I don’t care about them right now). Let tell you the things we gripe about immediately when we sit down to a table of, well, anyone who will listen: the weather, the heat, the sore ankle (knee, hip, elbow, foot, shoulder, wrist, neck), what’s on the menu that causes gas, bloating, heartburn, acid reflux, diarrhea, constipation, irritable bowel syndrome, inflammation of anything, swelling of anything, insomnia, and general pain. And, we can’t stay too late because we have to get home before dark because we can’t see to drive in the dark. The humidity makes my hair frizzy. The humidity makes my hair flat. The humidity makes my feel swell. I can’t sit here at this high top because it hearts my knees. The air conditioning is blowing on my neck. It’s too cold. It’s too hot in here.
This is all before the first glass of water has been served! You think I’m kidding: I am not. I have heard every one of these complaints when women have just arrived at the table to sit down. Who wouldn’t to spend time with that? I wouldn’t. I don’t. I don’t want to spend time with that woman and I don’t want to invite her to another opportunity to waste my time with her moaning! I just don’t.
Here’s the thing, most women who hit the ground running with this dialogue don’t even know they are doing it. They just moan on and on and wonder why their phones aren’t ringing off the hook (that’s an old fashioned expression, isn’t it?) with invitations to more get togethers. Well, wonder no more, it’s because that’s not fun to be around. That isn’t happy one bit. And, why would I want to be around that again?
Guess what, everything we just said as we strolled up to the table is true. Everything does hurt and it is hot outside and our hair is a collective mess, but, no one wants to hear that. No one cares, at least no one cares right off the bat.
I don’t want to talk to that woman and neither do you and neither do any men who she is considering for a relationship. And, I am not saying we have to be fake. That’s not the message either. Here is the message: if you want to continue to be social and active, if you want people to invite you to join them for various outings, if you want to be asked on a date, you need to present yourself in a way that makes them want you around.
I am working in my Sisters Program on this very topic and I am working with a couple of clients in the WingWoman program on the same. I think it is making a difference in how these woman are being perceived and will continue to make a difference as they work on creating m ore and more relationships.
In order to remain socially active, we must each put our best foot forward. We must be women who others enjoy spending time with and with whom others want to engage.
So, for the rest of the month and into September I am going to be focusing on how we want to present ourselves to others and what we can do, how we can reframe our conversation, to make others want to spend more and more time with us. So, I go back to my original question: would you want to spend time with…you?
Read MoreI had a conversation last week with one of my closest friends about our work life, home life and what they look like moving forward. She is married, I am not. After we parted I realized something that had escaped me to this point: we honestly have many of the same issues in our 60+ lives. I truly thought that my issues were particular to single women about 60-70, and some may be, but we have many of the same thoughts rolling around in our heads.
My friend said to me, “This is a hard time of life. Everybody I know is grappling with whether or not they should make a career change or ride it out or retire or get a new job all together. She’s right. This is a complicated time in our lives and it is unexpected for me.
When I was first divorced, I guess I thought I would ride my life out as planned, creating content for single women over fifty and working with women to help them make their lives look like their visions. I love doing this and I hope I get to do it forever. But, I pay my own health insurance and maybe I should be thinking of adding another “gig” to my schedule in order to have that covered. And, I’m not sure that I wouldn’t enjoy more interaction with live human beings, since much of my “socializing” is actually online through social media.
My friend was communicating that she might like a job that was a little more fulfilling for her. Or would she? She carries the health insurance for her whole family, and wondered if that is worth sticking it out for a while. Add to that the fact that she isn’t ready to hang up her working shoes when she turns 65. How did things get this complicated.
When I was married, I was always worried about retirement for my husband. He wasn’t someone who I thought would ever retire: his only hobby was golf. The thought of him not leaving the house in the morning had me sweating bullets! And, we had nothing in common, so I can’t imagine what that would have even looked like. I always saw myself working at something forever and I always saw him working forever. I just did. That didn’t necessarily mean employment, but I don’t think I am an at-home kind of girl anymore.
But, when I became single, my outlook changed forever. Continuing to work might be a necessity rather than an option. I guess it didn’t hit me that my married friends were in the same boat. Or, might choose to be in that same boat because they aren’t ready to throw in the towel either. Some don’t feel like they have as much money as they thought they would and want to add to their nest egg. Some want to do something different. Some want to be more fulfilled for the next ten years. Whatever it is, we are all finding ourselves a little off balance and not knowing which direction to face.
So, it’s not just me who feels the pinch of being in my sixties and not knowing what should come next. And it’s not just single women over 50 who are looking forward with big question marks in their eyes. All of us girls are looking for clarity as we gaze into the future. We all wish we had a crystal ball. I Sure do!
Maybe, there will just never be a time when any of us feel settled with our plans for the future, single or not. Is that OK? Let me know what you think.
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