Self Discovery
I thought that when I hit my sixties my life would be smooth sailing: kids launched and happy, husband in his most lucrative years in his career before winding down and me continuing to support them all in my older, white-haired way. Holy cow doesn’t that sound peachy? Hah! At sixty-two my children are indeed launched and happy, but that’s where the similarities to my naive vision end. I moved out of my marital home just before I turned sixty and was divorced at sixty-one. My hair is brown (you heard me, brown!) and while I do offer my children all the support I can, that rosy picture of what the last third of my life was going to look like is up in smoke.
My Life Looked Rosy
Since the time that I left home, I have met and talked with so many women, single and married, 50+, and if there is a common thread it is this: no one, not one of us, isn’t going through something. And, I’m not talking about a hangnail: I am talking about really difficult issues, whether with the children, health and the health of loved ones, marital status, or a combination of these, every single woman is carrying something heavy. I know that my daughter would like to forget the number of times that she’s heard me say,” No one goes unscathed.” It seems like I say it more and more frequently than I ever would have imagined. I used to believe that there were people who honestly did have it all, who got it right, who were lucky in life. And, while that may be true sometimes, from my vantage point, it doesn’t happen often.
So, think of all the women you come into contact with every day, every week, every month. There are a lot, I’m sure. Now, think about the fact that maybe half of them are really struggling with something personal and intense. The lady next to you in yoga isn’t being very friendly. The woman ahead of you in the grocery store line didn’t look up and notice that you only had a couple of items and could have easily let you ahead of her. Your friend hasn’t returned your call in a week. You always meet your sister for lunch on the last Friday of the month to catch up and she canceled last minute. Rats! Those all make you grouchy, right?
Put On Your “You’re having a rough day, aren’t you” Glasses
Now, put on your “you are having a rough day, aren’t you” glasses and see how you feel about those little annoyances. Not that big a deal are they? It’s amazing how your attitude toward someone can change when you take your own feelings out of the equation and give the other person a break. Cut them a little slack, just to be nice. Changing my attitude about the day ahead and the people around me has made me softer, and happier, as well. I feel more compassionate, without really having anything to be compassionate about. Just trying to give the people I come into contact with a pass when they aren’t at their best, creates a “reflection” of compassion back toward me. Others are treating me with more compassion. They are kinder to me when I am kinder to them. That golden rule thing really works!
So, my message to you is this: every woman with whom you come into contact is dealing with something. If you treat her with that in the back of your mind, you will feel good about yourself while you empathize with her. You don’t have to know everything going on in someone’s head to know that you can help make her day a little bit better.
Has there been a time when someone made your day without knowing it? Were you struggling with something internally? I love reading happy stories!
Read MoreThe holidays are in our rearview mirrors: decorations are down and all the trash has been picked up. Kids are all back into their routines where ever they may be and this was the first weekend of the new year. I was looking so forward to having the weekend all to myself and getting my place back into working order, and I did. That’s done! While I needed the break and the time and the order to my life, tonight I am keenly aware that it is time to get back to my social self or I will easily slip into way too many binge-watching nights and iced cappuccinos and isolation. I want you to make sure to stay social in the winter.
I know, I know, I know that it’s really hard to push through during the cold and the dark of winter and the allure of hot chocolate on the warm, cozy couch with a blanket is so inviting. But it can be dangerous for us single women. Loneliness, isolation and depression can creep into the room and sit down right next to you without you even noticing. And, that is a hard place to crawl out of if you get in too deep.
So, get to work! This week if you don’t have plans, make them. If you do have plans, good for you. Want to see a movie? Go. Even if you go alone you will be around other people rather than entering into a discussion about the Golden Globes at home with your cat. Go anywhere you can to be among the living.
Let me tell you about a change that I am making to improve my life and you may recognize yourself in how I was feeling. If so, I hope this will give you a seed of an idea. I have many, many interests: I write, read, knit, workout, cycle. I work outside the home. I am taking piano lessons. I take Spanish. I love to try and learn new things. But, the truth is that everything I do, I do alone. I am in sales (you’re on your own in sales!). I read alone, knit alone, I write alone, piano and guitar are one-woman sports. I work out alone and cycle alone. Get the picture?
What I see in myself is a very busy woman who does so much on her own. So, to add more people to my life I am taking up Pickleball. Surely I can do that, right? My plan is to enjoy a new sport and experience camaraderie as well. I’ll keep you posted.
The moral of this story is this: it’s up to you to make the winter better. Don’t let yourself go down the rabbit hole of hibernation because as a single woman you can become lonely very quickly and that is not a good place to be.
Ladies, kick-off the new year strong!
Read MoreRepost from 1/4/2016
Even though we all make resolutions for the new year ahead, I have always felt that the new year starts the first Monday after the holidays. It’s when all kids are back in school, and everyone gets back to the routine of work and daily life. So, on the Sunday before the Monday I was busy making lists, doing laundry, cleaning out the refrigerator and getting ready for all the good things that are coming my way in 2016. Then, I overslept this morning by two hours. Not 15 minutes but two hours! Is that an omen for the upcoming year that I am so sure is going to be spectacular? Am I going to sleep through this year and be making the same resolutions next year? No! No! No! It is all happening this year. Why? Because 2016 is the year of Paula, that’s why.
I have decided that rather than look at all the changes I want to make right now, I am going to look at what my life will look like on December 31, 2016. Her we go.
I will be thin, needless to say. Oprah and I will be thin as thin can be by the end of next year. While, I have not signed up for her Weight Watchers, I am very inspired by her commercials on TV and I know that’s all it will take to get me on the right path. So far today I am on a strict diet of frozen grapes and Genoa Salami. Baby steps. As I lose weight, the evidence of all the hard work I have put in at the gym will become evident. I will be stunning and an inspiration as well, no other way to put it.
My employment will be super lucrative, and I will be in demand. Maybe it will be my very popular blog that read by hundreds of thousands of women and is under consideration for an on demand sitcom. While I am busy with the blog, I will also be working with a partner on our social media company. And, my idea for another business services organization will take off and have me traveling quite a bit, to cities I have never visited. My life will be super glam.
I will have invested a small amount of money in women-owned businesses. I will have donated my time and money to a few local causes that I support. For me, that is the best feeling in the world.
Love…I will be in it. I might be in love with one person or with several, and they will be in love with me, too. It goes without saying that many men will be in love with me. After all, I am hot and thin and making big bucks, and I look like what 60 should be. ..awesome.
Since I will qualify as a senior citizen, I will be taking free classes offered by local universities to improve myself. By next year, I will be well schooled in new interests to expand my mind and make me just that much more attractive.
And, I will be cooking more. And I will have knitted several sweaters. And I will be sewing. And I will be riding a motor scooter. I will have long hair, and it will look great.
That is where I will be when the New Year 2017 comes around. Can’t wait!
Paula
Read MoreRepost from 11/29/2016
A few years ago around this time of year I made a New Year’s Resolution, one that I would actually keep: I would do one kind thing per day for the next year. It could not be anything that I do normally, like hold the door open for the next person behind me. It had to be above that. So on January first I started my year of one-a-day kindness acts.
Often, the way I started my day was to put an extra tip in the Starbucks tip jar. It had to be over and above the normal amount. Some days I put in an extra $5 if I was feeling flush. I told my Barista about my resolution and let her know that if I put extra money in the tip jar so early in the morning, I could go back to being my regular nasty self for the rest of the day! She later told me how much mileage she got out of that story. So an extra tip in the morning allowed me to check off kindness on my list for the day.
Honestly, I can’t remember what many of the other acts of kindness were. They were small, like putting a couple of coins into an expired parking meter, or digging through my purse to put any extra change in the Ronald McDonald House receptacle at McDonald’s. I am not talking about a lot of money, I am talking about pennies here. Pennies that were not hard to let go, but added up by the end of the year. I think what I liked about these tiny donations was that they were anonymous, no one knew about them. No tax receipts. No thank yous.
I knit, so I knitted hats for babies. I knitted a hat for my son, who is not a baby. I signed up for extra volunteer shifts. I let people go ahead of me in line almost every day. And, while I would normally help anyone struggling with packages to the car, I did so more readily. I was aggressive with my helping hands. I was on the front line of helping hands! I may have frightened one or two people.
Who Benefits?
And who benefitted most from the deeds…I did. As soon as I made it happen I felt great! It was a purposeful act daily and it improved my attitude. No matter who you are, when you do something for others you feel great. It’s that simple. So in 2017, I am going to have a Resolution Re-Do and do it again. Not for anyone else, just for me. To make me feel good. To put a spring in my step. It is a selfish act on my part because I remember how good it made me feel. Let’s face it, this year has been rough and so divisive that we could all use a little attitude adjustment.
Feel free to join me in adding one extra kindness each day and see how it changes your attitude. You will be amazed at how making niceness a priority changes your outlook on life!
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The holidays are here: yippee! But, holidays can present tough times for single women. We are surrounded by images of family and joy and the wonder of the season. Visions of people opening gifts, sharing meals and hugging loved ones are all over the tube. Many of us, as single women over fifty, may be feeling left out. I sometimes feel like my chair at the table is an addition: it used to be my table. Well, all of those feelings are valid and all may be true. But, if you let yourself crumble under the weight of those negative feelings, if you let them take over, you’re sunk.
Let’s not let that happen. Right here we are going to kick loneliness and sadness during the holidays to the curb. Let’s get started.
- Plan, plan, plan: Planning is everything when you are trying to eliminate loneliness any time, but especially during the holidays. Take a look ahead and pinpoint those times that are going to be dicey. That might be New Year’s Eve, Christmas morning, Christmas Eve: a time when you will be alone and missing loved ones or those who have passed or those who are far away. For me, that is always the time when my adult children are with their father, family time that no longer includes me. I hate it and I make sure to have plans for that time so I am not sitting at home being a sadsack. I go to a movie, get together with friends or get busy cooking for my family time.
- Volunteer: So many people receive volunteer services all year long and those volunteers need a break during the holidays. You can fill in. Nothing uplifts your spirits more than helping others. Nothing makes you feel better about yourself than helping others. Nothing fills your heart with joy more than helping others. There are endless opportunities for volunteerism year-round and, of course, during the holidays.
- Invite friends to your place: I have no doubt that you have friends who have “gaps” in their holiday celebrations. Invite them to your home for a cocktail or coffee and dessert. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, but there are others who would love an invite and that can come from you. You will feel great getting to share your home with others and they will greatly appreciate it. They are part of your extended “family.”
- Say yes to invitations: We often say no to invitations because we are too tired or overloaded during the holidays. Stop that! You can rest in January. Take advantage of every opportunity to be with others over these next few weeks. This is the time to be social and connected in order to stave off loneliness.
- Invite yourself: That sounds crazy, right? Far from it! Don’t feel sorry for yourself, don’t be too proud, be proactive. You will find that others are happy for you to join them.
Now, I don’t know anyone who likes New Year’s Eve. Not one person. For me, it always feels melancholy. And it may be. But, whatever you do, spend it doing something you love, whether you are alone or with friends or family. Be in a place, mindfully, of peace, whatever that looks like for you, as you welcome the new year with anticipation.
Happy Holidays!
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