Self Discovery
I am an only child, so I have always been used to being alone. And, I love being alone. In my single years, I rented apartments that I could afford on my own, I didn’t have roommates. I was super social and always out so when I came home it was all mine. I was never lonely. I loved reading and watching TV and knitting and was totally happy alone in my apartment. Then I got married.
It took a while for me to get used to living with another person, although he was my husband. And, he was a mess. I am not a neat freak but this was a whole new level. But, when we bought our first house our new normal set in and I got used to living with another person. We had enough room to get away from each other when we needed to and life settled in. Then came baby number one, and baby number two and baby number three. I didn’t have time to be alone or lonely. I just kept moving forward.
However, as the kids starting to grow and go to school and participate in after-school activities I noticed that I didn’t just have time alone, which I loved, I was lonely. I had plenty to do and I worked outside the home off and on during that time but I was so lonely. I tried to explain it to my husband but failed to make a connection there. He really didn’t care how I was feeling as long as it didn’t interfere with his life and livelihood. Over the next couple of decades, I felt lonely most of the time in my marriage. I loved the kids and our family and friends, but I was lonely. My husband knew it.
The Kids Grew Up
When the kids went off to college, I filled my days and evenings and weekends with lots of activities and work, but I was still lonely, and it wasn’t my imagination and it wasn’t the blues or hormonal changes, it was real loneliness. The writing was on the wall but I ignored it in order to keep the family together for as long a possible. I was the only one in the marriage.
I moved out and was living alone again for the first time in 30 years. I vacillated between the highest highs and the lowest lows on a daily basis. Now I wasn’t just lonely, I was alone, too. And there were plenty of nights when I thought being in a bad marriage was better than being in no marriage at all. I was wrong. It took me a year to get to this point, but I am no longer lonely, I’m just alone and I love it.
I am back to reading and knitting and watching TV when I am not out with friends, and I am out with friends a lot. I have to work at it. I am often the one making plans and inviting friends to join me and sometimes they can. If not, I go alone. I’m a big girl, I can do that.
Time Alone
There are still times when I am feeling lonely, mostly when I have a weekend with nothing to do. I feel like everyone goes home to their loved ones and I just go home. And, I know that I haven’t seen the last of the loneliness monster. But, I find that I enjoy my time alone again. I feel a little bit like I used to when I was young: my place is my own little sanctuary.
Here is what I know…
- I know the difference between loneliness and being alone. They are very different and they feel very different. One brings sadness and the other feels more like contentment.
- Being alone is a temporary condition of geography: I’m just somewhere where there aren’t any other people at the moment. Being lonely is internal and isn’t a function of locale.
- Both are beneficial. I know I’m not happy when I am lonely and I have to find a way to change my circumstances. When I am alone, I have time to reflect, time to plan and time to grow. It is when I dream, make lists and plan travel. I am happy when I’m alone.
- If it is painful, it’s loneliness…if it’s just quiet, it’s alone time.
- I can go to the movie when I am alone and eat as much popcorn and M&Ms as I want and laugh as loud as I want. If I am lonely…well…who am I kidding, popcorn and M&Ms make that better, too.
I have done everything I can to embrace this new life of mine, starting over at sixty. I try to be in forward motion as much as I can. Husband won’t leave the house…move. Don’t have a lot of single friends…make some new friends. Nothing to do this weekend…go visit a friend. That’s just how I have propelled myself forward, trying to will myself into happiness and hoping for no setbacks, no bumps in the road.
But, no matter how much I try to move forward with blinders on, not letting anything deter me from being happy again, those demons can still creep up and bring me to my knees.
That happened a couple of weeks ago. I just hit the wall. I couldn’t pretend my life is great one more minute. I felt like everyone around me was living life and having a blast, but me. I wanted my family back, I wanted my house back, I wanted my life back. I wanted to be thinking about a great trip for us all to take for the holidays: not to think about whether or not I would be traveling alone. Or think about how the kids would be joining me later after they see their father. I didn’t want to be thinking about how we’ll all be split up over Thanksgiving. Hate it hate it hate it. And, with fall around the corner, the dread just came over me.
And then…it passed. I cried for about two days, and then it passed. It didn’t resolve itself, it just passed through me. I started to feel like maybe the worst is over. It doesn’t get better and it doesn’t go away. It just passes through me and washes over me then drifts out the window. And when it comes back, it isn’t as bad anymore, isn’t as intense. I can handle it. Progress has been made. Not forever, but for now and for today.
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Since I am starting over at sixty, I get a do-over…a second chance, late in the game, at life. I don’t take that for granted. It wasn’t the way I thought my life would go, but here I am. So, I am taking control of what I want my life to look like, how I want my days and weeks and months to look for the next 30 years (or more), I hope.
Where to Start: Know Your Step One
In planning what my life will look like I am picking a starting point and working out from there. For me, the starting point is my kids. Not one of them lives in our hometown any longer. Maybe one day, but for now, they are spread out across the country. So, it is critical that I be able to travel to visit them or travel with them often. That is a must, that is my tent pole. So, whatever I am doing, I want to be able to pick up and go. I want to be mobile. A couple of things might make it a little tough, like this guy, my dog Red, but he is my bestie so we are in it together
Be Patient and Work Your Plan
I am not complaining about my age…I love where I am and who I am. But, I do know that time isn’t infinite (something that wasn’t on my radar when I was young). In the past, I have had a tendency to jump in head first. Now, I don’t want to waste any time, so I am more pensive about where I am going and what I am doing.
My children aren’t all settled yet. So I am using this time to get ready for the next phase of life. I am not sure what it is, but I feel a real peace knowing that it will present itself to me at the right time. It sounds kind of out-there, I know, but I really do feel it. I am moving in the right direction.
Visualize What Success Will Look Like
When I use the word success, I don’t mean it in monetary terms. It doesn’t have to be a big house or a lot of money. I mean, what will a day in my life look like if I get what I want? When I got married, I had a vision of what life would look like. When I had children I had an idea of what my life would look like. This is no different. What will success be if I get what I want? As a mom. As a grandma (someday). As a partner (maybe). As a volunteer in the community. As a friend.
I get a smile on my face when I think about it, so I must be on the right path.
Take Action
Now, work your way there. If you want to learn something new, learn it. If you want to look different, work on it. If you want more money, work toward it.
Honestly, I don’t know if any of my plans will unfold, but it’s in the process that I find happiness.
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