Self Discovery

I have found that when I look back at my life and my friendships, I have a mixed bag of emotions.  My family was small, and is now even smaller.  We are small but mighty!  So, I have had to look to friends to fill some of those spaces in my heart and in my life that others fill with family.  And over the past couple of years, I have had to look to friends for the support I needed to move forward in my new single world.  I felt so alone when I first moved out on my own I would go to the opening of an envelope if I was invited: I was lonely and afraid and sad.  Luckily, that time has passed.  I have made some new friends in my new life who I know will be friends forever.  And, I have made some acquaintances that will probably remain just that.  All good.

As I think about the important friendships of my life, I look at the ones from childhood first.  My friend from elementary school that remains the longest and strongest could not be more unlike me.  I always say that one day we reached a fork in the road and I went toward the stilettos and she followed the earth shoes path.  We have had times when we didn’t get along and times when we didn’t see eye to eye, but that passed or smoothed over or just drifted off as a memory.  My other close friend from high school and I are the same way.  I remember that we had times when we didn’t speak for months, but I can’t remember why.  Doesn’t matter. When I am feeling like I need a pick-me-up I go visit her and we laugh and I come back better.  Then there is my long time friend who is often my date!  We depend on one another, and we do lots together and it works for us.  We get grouchy with each other once in a while then we get over it.  We see each other ten times in one week and not again for another couple of weeks, and then back, and on it goes.  I would call these people my emergency contacts.  The first responders!

Then there are those people who have held me up for the past few years.  They wrapped their collective arms around me to keep me afloat.  They have their own busy lives and families but often include me and I am flattered when they do.  Really!  I think it is an honor to be one of the people who gets invited to others’ family functions: I feel like they must think of me as someone who will add to the mix rather than detract because I am not a mandatory invitation.  Those are the people who let me be the third, fifth, seventh, ninth wheel.  They helped me move to my new place.  They invite me to watch games or for holidays.  They go to a movie with me when I ask.  They help me feel normal.  They were a big part of my old life and they are a big part of my new life.  And, as our lives change we will continue to be friends.

Who Would You Take to the Trenches?

One of my friends referred to me as a woman who he would take with him to the trenches, along with his wife and mother and sister.  I was, of course, flattered.  But, I think of that phrase a lot.  And I think of who of my friends I would take into the trenches.  I add people to my list and subtract them, too, because I also have to look at the friendships that I have lost or dropped.  Some were my fault and some were not.  I can only know my part in the disintegration of those friendships.  Some of them I am sorry about and some I don’t miss one bit.  I know myself well enough to know that while I am a good friend to others, I have high expectations of those people I called real friends, and if I don’t find that on the other end, I drop out.  If I feel any distrust, I am gone.  It doesn’t mean that they are bad people, just not for me at this time.  I am pretty solid on the trust thing,  and I get anxiety when I am around those people who I can’t trust (enter my soon to be former husband).  When I am around anyone I don’t trust, I am so uncomfortable that I know I have to get out of that situation.  That is true of friendships, my marriage, a professional environment: I get out.

So take a look at those around you.  Do you wish you could make changes, or do you feel secure in your own personal community?  The strength of that group of people can make or break your happiness, but you can always make changes.  It isn’t a static state, but one that evolves.

Starting over doesn’t sound that great, does it.  It implies that you started before, failed and now you have to start over again.  Rats!  But, as a new year begins I feel like I am starting over toward a new, exciting life in 2017.  In the past year, I lived on my own for the first full year since 1984. Wow!  And not every day was a picnic, that’s for sure.  There were a couple of times during the year when I just didn’t think I could do it.  I just couldn’t see a time when I would be happy again and that was ominous.  I had lost my intact family and that was never going to be OK.  Well, guess what, that is not going to be OK.  I am never going to have that and moving forward means having to pack that up in my suitcase and carry it with me for the rest of my life.  Sad but true.

But, the good news is that starting over means just that: it is time to start over.  I thought I was doing that a year ago at the beginning of a new year, but I had a lot more healing to do.  I remember that a year ago my stomach hurt every day when I woke up.  And, that same pain kept me awake at night.  The same thoughts played over and over in my brain like they were on a reel.  I couldn’t escape my situation and, I still didn’t want it to be true.

One year later, I am still sad that my children don’t have that fairytale family, but I enjoy my time with them so much more.  I get them to myself when we are together.  There is no tension.  I don’t have to keep trying to put lipstick on a pig, and I don’t have to keep trying to like the pig!  And, I don’t have to keep trying to make the pig not look like a pig ( I could go on for days).

So, now, in 2017, I am Starting Over at Sixty (yes, I have a few more days until that 60 turns to 61).  I feel like a million bucks.  I am lightyears ahead of where I was last year at this time, and isn’t that what reflection is all about?  Where was I and where am I today?  I may not be younger or thinner (never giving up on that) or smarter than I was 365 days ago, but I guarantee that I am happier and healthier than I have ever been and I am only getting stronger.

I feel like 2017 will be the year that I hit my stride.  I wish that had happened thirty years ago, but the good news is that I still believe it is out there for me.  And, let me assure you that if I can see a great future anyone can.  You may not be able to see or feel it right now, but keep working to find it.  It is out there.  Now, let’s get going on a great 2017!

I have always felt like having a side job, or a talent that can earn you a little extra income here or there is a great thing.  I have a son who played lacrosse in high school and college and he sometimes coaches.  It’s a few hours on some weekends, he enjoys it and gets a little extra money in his pocket.  And, that extra money, while not a fortune, makes a difference.  It might buy a piece of furniture for his condo at the end of the year or a flight somewhere, but it counts.

My other son has a roommate who has a small Etsy shop and hand-makes collages.  She has a regular job, and this is a little something on the side.   It covers some groceries, movies, etc.  And, she enjoys it: it is her creative outlet.

In my head I visualize my work-life in 3 categories: income, ideas and dreams.

Three Income Categories

The first is income.  Not a lot to say about that.  We all need it and we all work to get it.  Some of us love what we do for a living and some of us  just don’t.  It may be your passion…it may not.  And I include in the income category moms at home and other caregivers.  The jobs they do may not earn actual dollars, but their hard work contributes to the household management, so I count them.

Ideas are the coaching and the collage making activities.  I used to sell antiques with a friend twice a year at a local flea market.  It was fun, we got to work together on the project and we walked away with a little bit of extra money.  It felt like free money, which it was not, but it felt that way.  I loved it.  It was more fun than my regular job: it was harder work but I loved it.

Finally, the dream category.  I shouldn’t really call it a dream.  A dream is something that is 100% in your head.  It has no basis in reality.  But if you are actually working on your dream, however infrequent, it’s more.  I have two items in my life that are dreams, but if either of them were to come true…well, my life would become a dream, that’s for sure.  One is a project that I am working on with my son and daughter.  How great would it be to have that come true and get to work with them sometimes?  The other is with a long distance friend.  We may only get one step ahead by the end of the year, but I am sticking with it.

What the dream project does for me is that it allows me to do just that, dream.  Kind of like buying a lottery ticket.  What if…what if I got to spend more time with my children and help them financially, as well.  Or, what if my friend and I really get this going?  What would life look like then?

It helps me to write it down in a chart:

1.  Income (my “regular” job)
2.  Idea (my one side interest that might get me a little added income)
3.  Dream (the big burrito in the sky, but one that is in the works)

As I get older, the categories have shifted a bit.  The truth is that the dream is taking a much more prominent place in my brain.  Maybe because I just don’t have as many years ahead to make it come true.  Or maybe because it is more exciting and more important to me than it used to be.  And, if I am honest with myself, the idea portion of my life has turned more into hobbies.  It is more important to me now to make time to knit or play the guitar or read than it used to be.

One more thing about the ideas and the dreams…there is no shame in them not coming to fruition.  There is only shame in not having them at all.