Self Discovery
Having been in a bad marriage for more than thirty years, I thought I was the biggest loser on the planet. I was certainly not attractive and was unappealing. I was overweight. I was not good at making money. I wasn’t sexy at all and actually had zero sex appeal. I spent too much money. I was the b-word.
Well, guess what I have learned about myself in the last three years since I left my husband: there’s nothing wrong with me after all! That’s right, there is nothing wrong with me. I have a feeling that if you are reading this article, there is nothing wrong with you either. Amazing, right? It took me a long time to get here, though. After years of being beaten up, figuratively, when I left my husband and moved into a one-room loft, I was what I refer to as a hot mess. I was truly broken, and I thought I was all used up. Like I was unlovable, like I had grown thorns on my body. I had definitely built a wall around me to protect myself from the unhappy life that I lead with my husband. I honestly thought that the real me was gone, buried so deep that I wouldn’t get it back.
It took some time, a lot of time, in fact. And, while I worked to be content on the inside, it didn’t hurt when a man paid attention to me, whether as a date or a new friend. It felt good and made me feel like “I’ve still got it.” That is probably the icing on the “new-old Paula.”
Be OK with Yourself First
So, if you are in the position of having to start over, due to divorce or death, follow these steps and you will get it right. First, you need to be OK with yourself. If your life is in transition, this is the best time to take stock of who you are and who you want to be and figure out what changes, if any, need to be made. For me, I was in a business that I despised, and I needed to get out of that no matter what the consequences. I did and it cost me but I did it, because as long as I was trying to be something I was not my life was never going to improve. Getting out of that business allowed me to spend time thinking about what I wanted my life to look like moving forward. It gave me permission to dream. I was out from under a huge boulder.
I started thinking about what I used to like to do, before I met my husband, before I had children and before I was Mrs. Harer. My husband valued popularity: I know it sounds goofy but it is true. So, to make him like me I valued who I was outside myself. I wasn’t happy. I love being a party girl as much as the next person, but that as a constant was not fulfilling. Now I have a great time when I am with people but it does not define me. I knit, I go to the movies alone and I read. I am happy with myself.
When you can find that girl inside who you were many years ago, I think it makes for a more grounded feeling. I know who I am and I know what I like and what I don’t like and I don’t have to change that. How empowering is that?
Then Add in What You Like to Do
When I was first living alone again I joined everything I could in order to meet new people: neighborhood groups, a single women’s social group ( I think I would be more comfortable calling it a gang), a book club, and a couple other meetups. I needed to feel connected. But, after a while, I began to dread some of the meetings and realized that they just weren’t me. I could get to know more new people but I wasn’t enjoying the activities and the people weren’t necessarily a good fit for me. Lesson learned. However, I love singing in a citywide choir and I love volunteering in that choir at the women’s prison near my home. So, I have found out what I like to do and what I can live without and I am making changes in how I spend my time. I don’t want to do what I don’t want to do anymore.
Take the Risk
Now, the hard part. Dating after sixty is horrible. There’s no other way to put it. HORRIBLE! But if having a man in your life is something that you want, and I do like having a man in my life, then you just have to put yourself out there. Here’s how I look at it: I wasn’t going to meet someone by sitting at home and telling myself how gross online dating sites are. They are, it’s true, but they are what is available, so I just had to buck up and get onboard. The point I am making is that whatever method you use to meet a new partner or friend, you have to be proactive. When I was in my twenties I didn’t have to be proactive. Those days are over. And sitting on your couch complaining about how there are no men doesn’t help either.
I have met many frogs. And it’s not like all of them call me back, so I’m a frog too. But, once in a while, I have met a nice guy: he might be a friend or might be more. There are still a few great guys, but I would not have met them without taking the risk, without putting myself out there. So if you want to meet a partner or a friend, put on your big girl pants and get out there.
Going through all these steps have helped me figure out that I am OK exactly as I am, and if you are in the position of having to start over you may need to find out that you are OK just as you are as well. When you do, you will be able to start living life the way you always intended it to be.
What are you doing to find yourself again? What has worked for you and what has not? Can’t wait to hear!
Read MoreI think it goes without saying that the breakup of a family is always tragic. And the people who are hurt the most, the children, are the hardest hit, no matter their age. If you ask any child of divorced parents how it feels, he or she will most likely have nothing but sadness, even when things have worked out OK, whether that child five years old or fifty. I fail to remember, however, how much they already know, whether instinctively or first hand, about the issues in the marriage and the divorce. What I thought I was protecting my children from, well, I was kidding myself (go figure). It made me yearn for the days when they were young and I told my little Ryan that his guinea pig died of a heart attack (do you think there is such a thing?). While that made him sad, he didn’t have to know that the dog came down the stairs with the dead pet in his mouth! The problems that he has to deal with as the adult child of a broken family are too, too, too painful, even at his age, and I have tried to shelter my children from as much as I can. But I was made aware this weekend of what a poor job of sheltering I have actually been doing. I am telling you this: never underestimate your children. They know who you are.
I was reminded of that fact when in conversation with one of my sons about a difficult topic. I don’t discuss much about my relationship with their father but I needed to let my children know how I was feeling and a very wise friend told me that he thought I should open up the channels of communication, so I did. They were nothing but kind. They were nothing but smart. They were aware of issues that I thought I had kept well hidden, and had not. They were supportive and caring and loving and all of the things that we all want our children to be. I was blown away and I don’t know why: that is how they were raised.
So, if you are starting over, or started over twenty years ago, it doesn’t matter. Do not underestimate your children. They know who you are. As one of my sons said to me once, ” you raised us.” He was right, I did. And, you did. You raised your children to be the fine humans that they are now, so communicate with them. They will help you find the answers you need when you are struggling with something. After all, as I always say, “the nut doesn’t fall far from the tree.” ( I know the word is apple but in my case, nut is a little more accurate.)
Read MoreIf you follow Starting Over at Sixty you know that I talk a lot about travel and the confidence it takes to be able to do it alone. Well, I have been traveling for the better part of six weeks, some alone and some not, and I can tell you one thing’s for sure: there’s no place like home! I thought I would be sad as I got on the plane in San Diego to head home, but I was excited. As much as I loved every minute of my adventure, I was ready to come home. I’m not sure about the take away from that but I have some ideas.
First, as much as I loved not getting up with an alarm clock and not having to dash here and there, the time has come for me to get back into my routine. I need to not read or watch Netflix until 1:30 a.m. and it’s time to get my bottom out of bed before 8:30. That all felt great but a little lazy after a while. It is time to get back to working out more often rather than saying I am going for a run, which is really going for a walk which is honestly me walking somewhere for lunch. Hardly broke a sweat!
It’s also time to STOP EATING AND DRINKING five times a day, seven days a week. It got bad, I’m not going to lie. We started picking up dessert after breakfast every day! Bad, bad, bad.
Also, my readiness to return has to do with my attitude. I used to hate coming home from vacation, what I call re-entry. It made me grouchy and I think that had to do with going back to my anything-but-happy marriage routine: I hated to get back to that normal. Now, I have so much to look forward to and such a warm environment where I live, I think I actually missed my place, all one room of it. It is cozy and happy and safe and not filled with loneliness.
So, I really do mean, there’s no place like home. Now, it’s time to get back to the routine that I love.
Read MoreYou can learn a lot about yourself by being alone. It’s not always a bad thing. I have learned way more about myself when I am on my own than I have when I am in a crowd. That crowd Paula is happy and loud and funny. When I am alone, I’m just Paula. My time alone means time to think, time to process and time to understand what I like and what I don’t like. And, if you are not a person who spends much time alone, you need to start. It can be lifesaving. Without that time, that time to rest your mind and kind of zone out for a while, it is difficult to get centered. It is hard to fuel back up without putting on the brakes every once in a while.
Becoming Comfortable Alone
I have to say, I have always been comfortable alone. The man I was married to for more than thirty years was not. I was an only child so I always had my own room. I could hang out in my room for hours and hours and do nothing. It was my nest. I would do handstands against the door of my closet hour after hour (what would happen if I had to do a handstand now? I can picture my arms just crumbling to rubble and me landing on my head!) I would just hang around in my room and I like to think that the time was spent making me who I am today. That was the time for imagination and dreaming and wondering why some boy didn’t call me, then deciding I didn’t want him to call me anyway, then crying because that boy who I didn’t want to call me anyway, didn’t call me.
For as long as I can remember, I have always been comfortable being alone. I’ve been lucky enough to have lots of friends throughout my life and loved being in big houses full of other kids when I spent the night when I was young, but I got to come home and spend the rest of my time the way I wanted to, without much interruption.
I was also a kid who learned to sew and knit, so as I grew up I usually had some project going, like crocheting blankets for my parents and friends for Christmas. I could sit in front of the TV making something for someone for hours and be content. I was happy.
When Alone Time Can’t Be Found
Then I got married and had kids and worked outside the home on and off and there was not one minute alone! And, just when I thought I was alone, a baby would cry or a husband would moan and I was back at it. It didn’t take long for me to figure out that without alone time, I was a crab! Looking back, I just needed that time to reset and regroup and get back to center before I went out the door the next day. Life seemed to0 never let up until the kids were out of the house. Boy, did I have alone time then!
Alone When it is Not by Choice
The sad part of being alone is when you are and don’t want to be and it is all there is. That is true loneliness and not fun and not happy. When I was first on my own again I had a lot of nights when I was alone and lonely and no amount of knitting could make that better. I could have wrapped the world in wool and would have still been lonely. I know alone and I know lonely and lonely is not a choice. It is having no one and nothing to go to and it is ugly. Even making the choice to be alone can make you lonely for a while. But the two are not interchangeable and I can be lonely in a room full of people and was for most of my marriage.
So, get to know yourself and know whether you need time alone or not. If that is missing in your life you can fix that. Carve it out. Find that time to recharge. I am aware that I have to have that to be happy. For me, it is as important as sleep, that is certain. And, learn to enjoy that alone time. You deserve it.
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