Self Discovery Archives · Page 14 of 22

Lift Your Mood by De-Cluttering

July 22, 2018

One of the best ways to lift your mood is by de-cluttering. It’s true. Here is my tale over the last few weeks: I lived in a one-room loft. When I left my house and husband three years ago my goal was to create a place for my adult children to visit that looked like home to them. And, I probably wanted it to look like home for me as well. My tiny place was filled with all the trinkets of the past, those things that meant so much. And, I was glad they were around for me to look at while I sat there in my place stunned at what had just happened to my life. There was comfort in things. Although my place was small, it was filled with memories. When each of my children came to visit, I told them that I hoped that it looked like home to them. It did. Mission accomplished.

Fast forward three years and I moved into a condo that is nearly three times the size of that little apartment. It has floor to ceiling windows with a loft living space and it is light and airy. So as I was unpacking box after box (don’t ask me how I had all this stuff in a one-room loft) and putting everything away I realized that I didn’t need to make this place look like a replica of my children’s home. I have done that. I eased them into the world where their parents lived in two different places. I did my job. I don’t have to fill this place with family memories. And, I think I don’t need to surround myself with clay projects that the kids made 20 years ago. Love them, but don’t have to see them every day.

With that in mind, I am feeling lighter, physically lighter. I don’t have to throw everything away, but, clearing it out and putting it away makes me feel better. I am not weighed down by the memories that were facing me daily when I awakened. I can wake up with a clean slate and move forward rather than letting objects keep me in the past.

Here is Your Challenge

You can do the same. If you are single you, of course, love your children and are probably surrounded by them through stuff. You don’t have to say goodbye to the stuff, just put it away. I am keeping the stuff, just not dusting the stuff every week. Take this challenge: clear off your refrigerator or a countertop or vanity this week and see how it makes you feel. Do you feel lighter? Physically lighter? That action alone can lift your mood and lighten your heart, even if it is temporary. And if tomorrow you put up a new refrigerator magnet, no worries, today your mood will be light and airy because you don’t have to manage and look at the stuff today.

I hope you will try this and let me know how de-cluttering even just a small portion of your life makes you feel. Let’s face it, there aren’t a lot of things you can do for free that can have such a positive effect on your mood and attitude. So, go crazy and clean off your kitchen counter!

Starting Over at Sixty Sisters

July 15, 2018

I always look at which posts are more popular on Starting Over at Sixty than others so I can learn more about my readers and their interests. One topic that repeatedly gets the most hits is loneliness. Loneliness is at the top of the heap consistently. Even if I reprint a post about loneliness it is again, very popular. That tells me that many single women over 50, 60 and 70 deal with loneliness. It is so sad because we still have 30-50% of our lives left to live with passion while in the grips of loneliness. Well, guess what, we are not a subculture: we are not an “also-ran.” Americans live more than 60% of there lives single. But, I am often heartbroken by the loneliness that single women feel.

So, that’s what I have been focusing on: a program that helps single women live lives that are as full and meaningful as they can possibly be. We need to live with the same strength and drive to have a happy life as we did when we were younger, no matter what our end game is. I am offering a free 8-week program that I am calling Starting Over at Sixty Sisters. It will include interactive webinars, actionable items to tackle and support and pep-talks along the way. Will it be inspirational? Yes. Will you be part of the conversation? Yes. And, will you feel like you are part of a powerful, vibrant community? Oh yes, you will!

I can’t wait to get started: just go to this link to sign up for the free 8-week course. You will hear more about it in the weeks to come. You have nothing to lose by joining and I know you are going to love the ride. These are the phrases that are rolling in my head every minute:

Never give up, never give in and go get ’em!

Are You Living in Alignment?

July 8, 2018

Three years ago I ran away from home: I moved out of the home that I shared with my husband before he returned from work at 6 p.m. I moved into a one-room industrial loft, the one in the photo here, that I absolutely loved. The apartment felt small and safe. It was the one little place where I could hide from the world while my marriage was crumbling.

Last Saturday I took a giant step in building a happy life for myself again: I moved again. I now own my own condo (well, of course, the bank owns my condo!). I have lots of space and a wonderful view, two stories and the biggest closet I have ever owned (I will post some pictures when the boxes are unpacked)! And, while it is filled to the brim with boxes right now, it represents a new beginning for me; a new, happy chapter filled with hope and success and family and friends. “All that, just from changing your address,” you might ask. Yes! Yes! Yes! When I moved to my loft, I felt that it was important for it to look like home for my adult children. I wanted them to know that no matter where I lived, it would be their home. It might have been just one room, but it was their home. And that’s what it was, their home.

Now, while this is still their home, it is my home, it is me. My new place is not a miniature replica of my married life: it is a home for a single woman over 60 who has a full, exciting life. It is a place where I can entertain, where my children can sleep in separate rooms when they visit (rather than all in one room) and it is a place where I can really start my life over. There is nothing about it that screams, “I am a sad, sad woman who is having to pick up the pieces of her failed marriage and trudge through life.” Instead, I feel like it says, “Paula has overcome a mountain of obstacles and look at her now!”

Join My New Program!

So, I am launching a test program for Starting Over at Sixty followers designed to build community among women who are 50+ and single and want to live the fullest lives possible. I mention it here because the focus of the group will be how to take steps forward in order to live a life on the outside the way you feel on the inside: vibrant, vital and relevant. I want you to live in alignment! I hope you will join other women who support each other through this chapter of life. Please register here. This test group is 100% free and launches August 1, 2018. I can’t wait to get started!

Jaime’s Life Changes Course

July 1, 2018

That arrest may have been the best thing that could have happened to Jaime. First, it got her out of an abusive, captive relationship, where she was already in a prison of sorts. Then, it lead her to Tapestry, a recovery program within the Ohio Reformatory for Women: it was a critical pivot point in her life. Jaime learned self-validation, rather than seeking validation from others. She learned that she had so much anger internally, anger aimed at herself, that had not been addressed over the years. The dissociative disorder that had been diagnosed when she was a young child was brought to the forefront. She was taught how to recognize the signs of those internal demons and how to stop the behavior before it takes over.

While in prison she also joined a program focused on human trafficking victims, where she learned how to trust someone prior to intimacy, a concept that would have been lost on the old Jaime. She took classes focused on domestic violence while there as well.

Jaime spent 3.5 years in prison before going to a halfway house. She then traveled to Columbus, Ohio to join the Harmony Project, and David Brown, the director. “I knew he wouldn’t let me down,” Jaime told me. “I knew I’d be OK with David Brown,” she said, and we both knew what she meant. The Harmony Project group took Jaime under their “wings.”

“Now, I work at The Old Spaghetti Warehouse full-time, and I go to Columbus State Community College full-time,” she told me with great pride. And she should be proud. Her youngest son is living with her, too. “It breaks my heart that I wasn’t there for them when they needed me,” she said of her relationship with her children. While her youngest lives with her, her daughter is more in and out of her life and her other son is in constant communication. And, that man who cared for Jaime’s son back when she was using and was not able to be the parent that she wished she could have been. “I have a lot of shame about that. I don’t talk about it a lot because I have to admit to myself the mess I made.” Well, she has spoken with him. He was someone who was so kind to her when she wasn’t being kind to herself.

“What do you want to do next,” I asked her. If she could do anything, and I believe she can after all of this, it would be to put in place a program in which a judge, or children’s services, could give a female offender one more chance, one more opportunity for change before she loses everything. “Prison ended up being my chance,” she said. But she went on to say that she feels that there could be a program that could be used at a judge’s discretion for a woman to have one more opportunity before losing her children and serving jail time. “It (prison) definitely worked for me. I just wish I had had the resources, the knowledge, sooner.”

Jaime has been back to the prison where she spent years of her life, talking to women about her story. Her mantra, “Just start.” She said she writes it on her hand sometimes when she gets nervous. “I tell them to take chances, be willing to learn and just start. Take the necessary steps and be willing to be reachable. Don’t let the fear take over, just start.”

Jaime was featured in a brief documentary about human trafficking here.

To learn more about Dissociative Identity Disorder click here.

Get Inspired by Jaime’s Story

June 24, 2018

I met Jaime in the Harmony Project, a citywide choir for which I volunteer. But, prior to that, I had met her at the women’s prison in my state. She was in a recovery program called Tapestry and through Harmony Project, I visit there, singing with the women in that program. Now, Jaime is on the outside and came to Columbus because she knew she had a support system through the Harmony Project. She sings in the choir. I didn’t really know her story but I knew that she always has a smile on her face and is outgoing and making good use of this second chance. I didn’t know her background but knowing she had been in a recovery program in prison let me know, at the very least, her life had been somehow shaped by substance abuse. When she sat down and started talking to me my jaw dropped to the ground.

Jaime began by telling me that at an early age, and by early I mean within months after her birth, her life became a series of sexual assaults by nearly every man with whom she came in contact. She developed Dissociative Identity Disorder, DID, to protect herself from the pain, both physical and emotional. “Dissociative Identity Disorder made everything bad that was happening to me feel like a dream. I had to escape that horrible reality to survive,” Jaime told me. She soon was placed in the foster care system, where she found more of the same abuse. She thought her luck had turned but her adoptive mother was extremely mean. Something was still missing in Jaime’s heart.

She married after leaving her adoptive home and had two children. She was afraid to touch her first child because she was terrified that she would abuse him: it was all she knew. What was still missing in Jaime’s life was a relationship with her biological family. She left her husband with her two children and returned to the family that she craved and the love of her biological mother. But, she had unrealistic expectations of that family. She said, “I was looking for Little House on the Prairie. I was always running from something and running toward something at the same time.”

For an extended period of time, Jaime was in a healthy relationship. She had had another child, a son, who was living with her. She told me that the man in her life said he could tell when she was “zoning out.” “He said he could look into my eyes and I was gone,” she told me. She began to use methamphetamine, which to her felt like reality, something so strange to think about now. The man in her life took care of her son as she was unable to do it herself. She was an addict. She became promiscuous and became involved with a bad guy.

Now she was being trafficked, she was an addict and was being held captive by her “boyfriend,” Then her life changed. She was arrested for drug trafficking. As the arrest was happening she said that she felt relief, the relief of finally getting away from that relationship.

To Be Continued…

Jaime’s story was featured in a short documentary you can view here.

For more information on DID, click here.

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