Self Discovery
It’s easy: it’s cold outside and going home and watching TV every night sounds like the best option for you. The weekend comes and you’re looking forward to binge-watching Netflix and reading a book. That sounds heavenly, doesn’t it? Well, maybe.
It’s OK to do once in a while, but if you let yourself think that the luxury of alone time is better than being out in the world with friends or seeing a movie or working out, you are creating a slippery slope. Becoming isolated is an issue for many single women and can spiral into depression easily.
So if you have to force yourself to stay active outside your own home, then do it. Make yourself go to a movie. Meet a friend for dinner. Go to a meetup in your town. Workout. Do anything you can do to stay active and to spend time off your couch. It will help you in so many ways.
The loneliness that can set in for single women over fifty is no joke. No kids at home, no love interest, maybe less money than you used to have. It can bring you to your knees. And, becoming isolated just allows you to wallow in that pool of loneliness and can only make it worse.
Make plans! Make plans for the week, right now, whether they are by yourself or with friends. You will help yourself fight off increased loneliness and depression. You will spend less time alone. You will feel like part of the outside world. You may make some new friends. And, you will definitely feel less like an observer and more like a participant in your own life.
Read MoreAround this time of year I starting to get a little blue: the days are still long and there are more clouds in the sky than sunshine. It’s freezing. It’s windy. It’s slushy. I can easily climb into bed when I get home, or eat until it’s time to go to bed. A bad weekend weather report can send me into a planning frenzy, listing all the binge watching I want to do, what snacks I will need and what sweats I will wear for the duration. I get mad because I have to go outside to walk my dog and I put it off until he is crossing his legs.
If I let it, winter can claim me as a casualty. So I have to fight back. I have to fight the urge to “hunker down.” Here are some of the tricks I play on myself. Maybe they will help you get through the season better.
- Dress warmly. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it helps. When I’m cold, all I want to do is go home and get under three blankets. And, if I am not wearing clothes that keep me comfortable throughout the day, I am miserable. However, when I dress warmly, maybe even to the point of being too warm at some points during the day, I am not likely to want to race home for warmth. I don’t need to be stationary in front of the fireplace. This sounds like the silliest thing you have ever heard, but I swear, it works. I am much more mobile and “life-like” when I am plenty warm. Try it. It makes a difference.
- Exercise: Whether it’s indoors or outdoors, it warms you up. You feel good about yourself. It elevates your mood (at least that’s what they say). Nothing more to say about that.
- Make plans for a few evenings each week. The earlier I head home each day, the more likely I am to become a couch potato at night. And, there is no way that once I am home in the winter I am heading back out. Even if I am at home most of the day in the winter, I find that if I make plans a few evenings a week my cabin fever is much less severe than those times when I just come home and lock the door behind me.
- Go Outside. What? Go outside? I know it sounds insane, but I learned this from walking the dog. I live in an urban area so just letting the dog out isn’t an option. I have to take him for a walk. But, if I really bundle up and hit the sidewalk, I find that the temperature isn’t nearly as bad as it seems in my head. Of course, there are those days when I ask him to just hold it until tomorrow (that works so well). But, the staying in gives the conditions power. Sounds crazy but it’s true. No dog? Take a walk around the block. The fresh air kind of perks you up, or maybe it is just making you run home! Either way it gets you moving. Try it.
- Have a dinner party. You don’t even have to go outside! Cook a hearty meal and invite friends. You’ll laugh. You’ll socialize. You’ll have fun, and fun beats the winter blahs.
So fight the winter doldrums any way you can, and let me know what works for you, other than pie!
Read MoreIf you have ever attended a business conference or taken a business class you’ve most likely heard about an elevator pitch. The elevator pitch is a discription of what you do or what your business is in a short amount of time (in case an important influencer in your life gets on an elevator with you and asks you what you do). Not only is it important in a business setting, but to me, it is an important tool to have in your arsenal when people ask you about yourself. I bring this to your attention because I have found that I don’t have an elevator pitch about myself and it is an uncomfortable spot to be in. I want to change it.
For more than 30 years if someone asked me what I did, I would say that I am the married mother of three children, two boys and one girl. I would tell them where we lived and what my children were into. I would tell them about my husband’s occupation. I am not apologizing for it: that was who I was. Then, I went into the restaurant business, but if you asked me who I was, I would rattle off the family stuff first then the business side of me (now I see how telling that was as to my commitment to the restaurant world). I still saw myself in the wife and mother role first.
But when I left my marriage, that all changed. My answer to, “Who are you and what do you do,” became garbled. I didn’t know what to say. I still think of myself as a wife and mother. That is who I am to my core. But, I have been fired from the wife role. And, to say that I am a mother is hardly who I am to the world any longer. So, who am I?
So now what? Well, it is time to come up with a new elevator pitch and it might be time for you to do the same. Because, no matter what your marital status or age, you are something and I want you to know who you are as well. If you can define it for yourself, then maybe you can define it for others. And, that one statement about who you are is very powerful. It not only lets others know about you, but it can give you a sense of confidence to be able to rattle off a strong statement about who you are.
I found myself stumbling through an introduction last week that got me started on this bandwagon: I was on a plane with a friend and the young man next to me asked me what I do. My friend replied, “she’s an author.” I immediately said, “No I am not an author.” I told the young man that I write a blog, which I felt was much more realistic. I was embarrassed but guess what, shame on me for not having an answer ready in my head.
Add to our changing lives, our age. I am 63. Some of my friends are retired. Some are not. I have friends who have worked inside the home all their lives and their roles are now changing as well.
Women 50+, whether single or married, are all at a real crossroads in their lives. I know I am. And, it is as important for you to know your elevator pitch about yourself as it is for others to hear it. Here’s what I want you to do: create your own elevator speech. Start writing down words that you think fit who you are right now, not who you used to be. If that’s hard for you, don’t give up. Keep trying to come up with words or phrases that describe who you are. Don’t worry, it will come to you, maybe not right away, but you will figure it out. Just jot them down for as long as it takes you: a day, a week or a month. Remember, your elevator pitch can be a living description of you: it doesn’t have to stay as is.
I would show you mine if I had one but I don’t, so I am doing the exercise along with you and will publish it when I feel like I have a description of myself and what I do and who I am.
I promise you, when you have your own personal elevator pitch you will be able to, not only tell others who you are, you will better know who you are as well. It sounds like I am joking, I know, but knowing who you are is important. If you love it and love who you are, great. If you aren’t happy with what your description says about you, guess what, you can change it! But, you can’t know what kinds of changes you want to make until you know what it is about your life that makes you unhappy.
So, please please please tell me your elevator pitch about who and what you are. You will be taking a giant step toward being the woman you want to be.
If you are a regular at Starting Over at Sixty, you know that I selected a word for myself for 2018. It was forward, and I really took it to heart. I believe that I got the idea from the book, Design Your Day by Claire Díaz-Ortiz (love that book). I was finally divorced at the beginning of the year so I traveled for several weeks to wash the stink off from all of that, then came home, bought a condo, moved in, spent several months living out of boxes and finally got possession of it (from the painters, plumbers, floor installers, etc.) in November. In the meantime, I have been working with consultants and tech types to figure out what direction the website should lean. More about that later. I had a little minor surgery to repair an old mistake, and here I am. I moved forward!
So, I was trying to think of what word would fit best for me for 2019. What would be a word that would motivate me to keep moving forward, and not actually be the word forward again? Nothing was coming to mind.
Then it happened. I was cleaning up in the kitchen while the kids were home for the holidays and I decided to put on some music. My Spotify was playing something from an evangelist who, I believe, was Eddie James. I couldn’t figure out why this was coming up, but when I looked at the screen the word “Breakthrough” was showing: I guess that’s what Mr. James’ topic was all about. It stopped me in my tracks (not that hard when I am cleaning!). That was the perfect word for 2019, Breakthrough, and here is why.
I’ve been feeling like I’m underwater lately, just trying to crash through the surface on nearly every front. Every project that I am super excited about in my life has been delayed a number of times. I am treading water at every turn and it has been wearing me down. So, while I have made a lot of
Well, not since I found Breakthrough, Sister! 2019 is the year of the breakthrough for me. It is the year to break through the barriers that have been holding me back for months or even years. For example, I have been hovering around a certain weight: I lose some then gain it back, or I go up then lose that. No way that is going to continue. It just isn’t. It is time to break through that certain number permanently. That’s it.
And, you may know that I have been working on two new programs for Starting Over at Sixty and they have been delayed and delayed and delayed. The website has been on hold for an eternity, it seems, and I was seriously considering dropping it altogether. I couldn’t break through and the delays were winning. Not any more! I am moving full speed ahead and in March you will be able to participate in the Sisters and WingWoman programs fully. I am so excited about it and you will hear more about it in the coming weeks.
So, just deciding what the word of the year will be has changed my outlook from dreary to excited again. And you can do the very same thing yourself. Think about how you would like to move through 2019. Do you want to take charge of your life this year? Or, have you been on a tread mill for months and just want to slow down? It’s your life and it can look like what you want, but I promise you that if you select a word to guide you through the year, you will stay focused on that word.
We all need little tricks to keep us on the path that we want to follow. Try a word for the year and see if it helps you. Let me know what you select in the comments. Happy January!
Read MoreAging isn’t for wimps, is it? And, there are times when it seems that as a single woman I am falling apart without a support system. It’s easy to have a pity party, isn’t it? But, if you need a pick-me-up just look around you to feel pride. Look at the people who you have helped, the people you have raised, the people you have lifted up in your world and I don’t care who you are, you will swell up and send that pity party packing.
I was at an event this week to honor my uncle. When we were assembled to take a family photo, I thought, “Who would have ever imagined the paths that our lives would take and the families that we built around us? Who would have thought all of this would be possible nearly forty years ago when our lives looked pretty bleak?”
My uncle and I both lost our parents in our twenties (my mother was his sister). He lost his wife to cancer in his early forties, just one month after cancer took my mother. I can remember being at my aunt’s funeral and feeling like the sky was falling. We were a couple of sad sacks, and we were the last ones standing in our little family. Mark was left with a six-year-old daughter to raise. We had both had a lot to deal with in each of our short lives.
My uncle remarried and has lived happily ever after. And, while my marriage wasn’t a happily ever after situation, I have three wonderful adult children who are proof that I did something good.
Now, here we were at a photo-op, my uncle and his wife, his daughter, their grandchildren, and me with one of my sons. This was our family that he and I could never have imagined all those years ago. This is the family that we both wish our mothers could have known. For me, it was a moment. I felt so much pride, even though nothing was about me that day. I just kept thinking about where we came from and where we are now.
So, again, I say that aging isn’t for wimps, and sometimes it feels like the Titanic. But once in a while, you get a glimpse of what your life has been all about and I can’t imagine even one of you not being able to look back at your lives and think about what you have accomplished and the people you have helped or nurtured along the way. And, again I say, just look around you to feel pride.
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